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Donald Trump Revealed To Be First Cro-Mags Singer
Posted in General Weirdness on August 30, 2016
Presidential candidate and real estate mogul Donald Trump recently demonstrated that his New York roots run deeper than anyone would have guessed. In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Trump remained characteristically unpredictable by revealing that he was the original singer of New York hardcore legends, the Cro-Mags.
While the identity of the notorious band’s “real” first singer remains a long-running point of contention, Trump may have finally put the argument to rest, saying, “Some people believe John Joseph was the ‘Mags original singer, while others insist the band was originally fronted by guy named Eric Casanova, but I’m here to tell you it was me all along.”
When asked why this information was not already common knowledge, the Republican nominee explained, “Back then I went by ‘DTs’ to not give myself away. I never actually recorded with the band, but I do take some credit for helping shape their sound and approach.”
Unbeknownst to the mavens of the New York scene, Trump had been attending punk and hardcore shows in Manhattan as early as 1978.
“Oh my God, I saw so many amazing gigs at places like CBGBs and Max’s Kansas City,” he enthused, “The Misfits! The Ramones! Hell, even a couple of early Blondie gigs. It was amazing, the bands were just tremendous. By ’81, I knew I had to get a band of my own going, even if it was just a weekend thing.”
And so he did. As a capable organizer, Trump pulled together a rag-tag team of youngsters to help realize his passion for the bare-knuckled music from the mean streets of the Lower East Side.
“I was 36 when things first fell into place,” he continued, “I took Harley Flanagan of The Stimulators, who were a great band, by the way, under my wing, and then found a couple of other kids who were hungry and motivated. My goal was to come up with some of the toughest tunes the Bowery had ever heard.”
In the meantime, Trump’s forays as a developer were already paying big dividends. It became increasingly difficult for him to remain incognito in the underground music community.
“Some people knew who I was, but they kept quiet about it. I wouldn’t throw my weight around, I was just part of the scene. I even got a black eye when Roger Miret [vocalist of Agnostic Front] elbowed me in the face at a show at City Gardens. I took my lumps with the best of them!”
Trump At An Agnostic Front Show In 1983
Once he hit the stage with the newly-minted Cro-Mags, it became clear that the multi-millionare was not destined to make his imprint on hardcore history.
“I played several gigs with the band, and while the music was reaching people, a lot of them turned on me. I had put up Trump Tower by then, and I’d hear a lot of shouts from the audience, like ‘rich kid!’, or ‘go build another skyscraper, faggot!’. It really hurt. I was dead serious about what I was doing there, but I couldn’t convince them. Finally, I decided to step down. I let the band keep my lyrics to songs like ‘Street Justice’, and ‘Malfunction’, which is really the best thing I ever did. It’s an outstanding number, I have to say.”
No video footage or photographs exist of Trump’s live performances, but upon closer examination, he can indeed be spotted in photographs from many a classic NYHC show. Trump took things a step further by removing his blazer and shirt to show off his array of tattoos, at this point almost a body suit.
“I never stopped getting tats, actually. They mean a lot to me, and they tell my story of my time in that scene, and the double life I had to lead to do it. I’ll always be proud of that, and for my involvement with the Cro-Mags. My holdings, my properties, my candidacy, it all feels so unimportant compared to those shows and that music. I will always keep it close to my heart.”
At press time, Mr. Trump had just completed an election rally appearance in Charlotte, North Carolina, where he recited the lyrics to “World Peace” in their entirety.
Putin to Obama – ‘Swedish Metal Is Superior’
Posted in General Weirdness, Uncategorized on May 17, 2016
Russian President Vladimir Putin responded to Barack Obama’s public comments about Finnish Metal bands last Friday, calling the outgoing President “a wimp” and “a poser”.
“Please don’t misunderstand me,” said Putin at the end of last week’s EU Summit, “Finnish metal is truly great, particularly its amazing death metal scene, but for Obama to bring it up like that in front of the President of Finland is so lame. He knows, dude! He’s from there!”
When asked to clarify his remarks, the President snorted and said, “Like he’s ever heard Privilege of Evil. And it’s so clear he was just trying to look cool because he didn’t say anything about Swedish Metal when he was addressing [Swedish Prime Minister] Stefan Lofven! How could he not bring that up?”
Putin went on to characterize Obama as “a tryhard, one who would get a denim vest and then buy all the patches for it at the same time on eBay”.
The Russian head of state also continued to blast Obama’s ignorance to the importance of Swedish Metal. “Left Hand Path – Scandinavia might not even have a underground scene without that album. It’s so crucial, and that little wannabe blew his chance to tell the world about it! He doesn’t know. He wasn’t there. What, did he hear one of his kids play a Finntroll album and decided he knew something?”
After an additional ten minutes of listing Swedish Metal gems that “America’s Poser President” has certainly never heard of, including Dark Recollections and Under the Sign of the Black Mark, Putin paused and added, “But you know what? It’s better that he doesn’t know. I’d hate for him to find his way to the good stuff and then act like he invented it or something. Oh God, can you imagine if he started turning out to all the shows? That would drive me nuts.”
At this point Putin excused himself, inserting a cassette labeled “TREBLINKA” into his Sony Walkman as he headed towards the reception hall.
Phil Anselmo Apologizes For Remarks In Full Klan Outfit
Posted in Really Brilliant Things You Should Read But Probably Won't Because You Are A Pantera Fan on January 29, 2016
With his voice slightly muffled by his white linen mask, former Pantera singer Phil Anselmo apologized for his offensive remarks while wearing a Ku Klux Klan robe and peaked hood.
“I don’t hate anyone more than I hate anyone else,” said the embattled racist as he pulled aside the mask, “I think people are equally worthless, especially the non-white ones.”
Anselmo then winced and started pounding on his own head with his fist while angrily muttering, “No, goddammit! Stupid, stupid stupid!”
After composing himself, the famously intolerant singer continued, “what I said about white power on stage last weekend was a joke and nothing more, just like the idea of racial equality.”
At this point, the icon for everything wrong in heavy metal began to bite down on his bottom lip, eliciting a trickle of blood which ran down his chin. Sweat began to form across his forehead as he stuttered, “I am not a man of hate. Hate has nothing to do with who I am. Just heritage. Yes. Heritage. That’s what matters to me.”
After taking a few deep breaths, the man who once ranted about white pride for ten minutes in the middle of a Pantera concert looked squarely at the camera, shrugged and said, “And that’s all I got to say on the matter. Sieg… uh… sieg ya later.”
Anselmo then somberly turned to the large wooden cross erected behind him and set it ablaze.
Mike Browning Rejoins Morbid Angel, Announces Split With Band
Posted in General Weirdness on June 22, 2015
Former Morbid Angel drummer and vocalist Mike Browning has rejoined and since left Morbid Angel, according to a press release earlier today. Browning’s lasting contribution to the death metal group was his appearance on the band’s shelved first album, Abominations of Desolation, which was subsequently released after Altars of Madness.
“It was really great to be back in the fold for 10 hours,” stated the drummer, “but it was clear that financial and creative differences were untenable, and I cannot participate in Morbid Angel any longer.”
In a dispatch from the Morbid Angel camp, Trey Azagthoth said, “We really appreciate Mike’s efforts in the band, and we hope that he finds success in his future endeavors.”
At press time, former drummer Wayne Hartsell was spotted heading into Morbid Angel’s studio for an audition.
Trey Azagthoth Parts Ways With Morbid Angel
Posted in General Weirdness on June 19, 2015
Founding guitarist Trey Azagthoth announced today that he is parting ways with death metal titans Morbid Angel. The news follows in the wake of the dissolution of the current lineup, with bassist/vocalist David Vincent, drummer Tim Yeung, and guitarist Destructhor all dismissed by Azagthoth. Now the only continuous member in Morbid Angel’s nearly 30-year run plans to depart as well.
“The situation in the band has become untenable, with musical and financial considerations remaining unresolved. I can no longer commit to participating and performing in this fashion,” stated Trey, “I wish [returning bassist/vocalist] Steve Tucker the best with Morbid Angel, and I am looking forward to new endeavors of my own.”
At press time, sole remaining member Steve Tucker is sitting in front of his computer with a stunned expression and his mouth hanging open.
David Vincent to Front Counter at McDonald’s
Posted in General Weirdness on June 16, 2015
Following the controversy in the ousting of Morbid Angel mainstay David Vincent, the bassist/vocalist has announced that he will immediately begin working on a new endeavor, which is fronting a counter at a local McDonald’s.
“McDonald’s is my kind of place,” said Vincent in a press release, “and I know I can really make an impact there. What that restaurant needs is star power and charisma, which is exactly what I bring to the table.”
Vincent went on to discuss how he plans to put patrons in awe with his commanding presence, whether it’s asking if they’d like to supersize their meal, or if they want any extra ketchup packets.
“Morbid Angel had a great run, but I really need to spread my wings and make something I can call my own,” said the former frontman, “I think this is my answer. I hear there’s a lot of room for advancement, and I plan to dominate this place in a few short months.”
At press time, there is no report as to whether or not Mr. Vincent is aware that living hardcore and radikult is strictly prohibited by McDonald’s corporate policy.
Metal Scientists Successfully Create Rainbow in Dark
Posted in Uncategorized on May 17, 2015
On the fifth anniversary of singer Ronnie James Dio’s passing, metalhead scientists at MIT have announced they have successfully created a rainbow in the dark.
“What was once just a cryptic metaphor is now a scientific reality,” said Chief Physicist Dr. Jim Durkin in a prepared statement, “Until now, rainbows were only possible with the presence of ultraviolet light. In this setting, we have been able to generate a rainbow in a completely dark room with its refraction as the sole source of illumination. This could pave the way to other discoveries like cold fusion.”
As of now, the potential of this new technology remain to be seen. Some researchers have suggested it could prevent people from being brought down by lightning or being left on their own, but most experts agree that its proper applications remain elusive.
“What we’re looking at here is an image caught in time,” said Dr. Wolf Hoffmann, MIT Laser Sciences Director, “when I consider the possibilities of this incredible find, it leaves me virtually speechless, like words without a rhyme.”
A symposium on the significance and meaning of a rainbow in the dark will be held this fall at the National Science Foundation in Washington, DC. Prominent physicists and engineers from all over the globe have already announced plans to attend.
At press time, a team of nautical engineers at Stanford University have announced their intention to design and build a Holy Diver, as soon as they figure out what the hell that is.
Neill Jameson of Krieg Reconciles With Estranged Porn Star Sister
Posted in General Weirdness on November 17, 2014
Neill Jameson, better known as Imperial of the black metal band Krieg, has been routinely making the metal headlines over the last year. Between his collaboration with Thurston Moore on the latest Twilight album, and his statements regarding the fallout from Blake Judd, Jameson has been the focus of both accolades and controversy. However, a new development in his personal life will likely trump any of the gossip surrounding his musical output. After years of complete estrangement, the notorious frontman has finally acknowledged and reunited with his equally notorious sister, Jenna Jameson.
“For years, I didn’t want think of Jenna as family,” said the vocalist in a recent Noisey.com interview. “She left home early and never got along with my mom, so I didn’t really have any good memories of her past about the age of 8. But she and I have both been through a lot, and I’ve grown quite a bit as a person, so I think we have more common ground than we did back then.”
For her part, Ms. Jameson, who is by all accounts the most successful pornographic actress in the history of the industry, was also enthusiastic to get re-acquainted with her younger brother.
“When Neill emailed me out of the blue last month, I was so surprised and moved. I even cried a little, because it brought back so many memories. He was always a sweetheart, even when I teased him by doing stuff like rubbing my boobs in his face. I’m really proud of what he’s done with his music and how he has taken it all over the world. It just goes to show the talent that runs through this family.”
Neill admits he denied his relation to Jenna for years, particularly after she had gained celebrity status. “People would always joke about her being my sister, and I’d just laugh it off and say, ‘I wish’, but it was actually painful to think I had less of a chance of reaching out to her once she became famous.”
And the awkwardness didn’t stop there. “Just about every one of my friends was into Jenna and had her videos. I couldn’t even be in the room when they’d put them on, though I finally got some of her movies out of morbid curiosity, and even successfully utilized them after a fashion. It was clear that the person on the screen was very different than the one I grew up with, so it was easy to pretend it was someone else.”
At this point, the Jamesons are very aware of one another, and happily so. They plan to collaborate on future endeavors, with Jenna offering to model Krieg merchandise and appear on the cover of the band’s upcoming album, “A Stranger on the Screen”, which is apparently inspired by the siblings’ reconciliation. Jenna may also have work for her kid brother in upcoming films she will direct for Vivid Video.
“It would be so much fun to have Neill on the set of a movie,” stated the eight time AVN award-winning actress, “he could play a pizza delivery guy or a plumber or something like that. If he shows some aptitude for the work like I did, we might have a new adult film star on our hands!”
Biohazard Forced To Write About Only Specific Parts of Brooklyn
Posted in General Weirdness on October 2, 2014
Biohazard assembles at the most dangerous corner in Brooklyn, circa 1989
In the face of ongoing gentrification, Brooklyn-based act Biohazard is now forced to qualify ongoing lyrical references to their formerly notorious hometown.
“There was a time when you could just say ‘Brooklyn!’ to invoke being a hard-ass that won’t take crap from anybody,” sighed guitarist Billy Graziadei, “but now we gotta be extra clear on which parts we’re talking about, or we’ll look like a bunch of jackasses.”
Indeed, many districts in Brooklyn have become renowned for housing some of the largest enclaves of hipsters and upwardly mobile urban youth in all of North America. The band’s depictions of blight and violence have been replaced by a proliferation of coffee bars and Urban Outfitters storefronts in areas that were previously fertile ground for Biohazard’s videos, album covers, and lyrics.
“We have a new song called ‘Back on the Streets (not Williamsburg)’, that talks about life in Brooklyn, specifically the eastern side heading towards Ozone Park,” said Graziadei, shaking his head. “It’s still pretty brutal over there, though nobody knows it because they’re shopping at their stupid thrift stores in Brooklyn Heights. We also have a scary one called ‘A Day in Bushwick’, because you know that area is still pretty hairy. Then again, I hear they recently got an American Apparel outlet. Oh my God, we’re so screwed!”
Indeed, the once-fearsome foursome from the wrong side of the tracks now finds their lyrics completely hampered with overly-specific descriptions and disclaimers of their previously forsaken borough.
I’m on the run/and I need a new gun
Talkin’ about Brooklyn – no, the other one
When you’re s— outta luck/and you don’t give a f—
And that don’t include the parts that got a Starbucks
With all the upswing of commerce and rising property values, it seems that Biohazard are among the few Brooknites who are suffering. Whenever the band plays classics like “Urban Discipline” or “Tales from the Hardside”, their harrowing portrayals of Brooklyn is often met with incredulous laughter from those who were too young to remember when the entire area was an urban death maze.
Graziadei continued, “We get people coming up to us going, ‘Are the hipsters really that dangerous?’ or ‘I guess you guys have seen some serious s— go down in those fair-trade coffee shops’. Jesus Christ.”
Ultimately, it may be the end of the line for bands that trade off the bad reputation of their hometowns. Crime rates have lowered across the nation, and city centers are being reclaimed by upwardly mobile young people and large developers.
“The entire north side is undergoing a tree-planting project,” exclaimed the increasingly agitated guitarist. “Trees! In Brooklyn? Used the be the only planting we did was putting bodies in the ground, you know what I’m saying? I can’t write about urban renewal!”
At press time, the band has announced plans to relocate to the Bronx.
Dave Mustaine Indicted For Crimes Against Metal
Posted in General Weirdness on January 27, 2014
The Hague Tribunal announced today that it has arrested and indicted Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine for crimes against metal. The famous international court, headquartered in the Nethelands, oversees the prosecution of war criminals and political leaders who violate human rights and the Geneva Convention. This event marks the first time a musician has ever been put on trial.
“I admit it’s a little unorthodox,” said Chief Prosecutor Hans Blix, “but Mr. Mustaine’s acts of selfish hypocrisy against the metal community can no long be ignored. Remember that time he got Dissection kicked off that festival in Israel? That was my only chance to see them. It’s unconscionable.”
The charges against Mustaine are numerous, including multiple allegations of ousting bands from tours and festivals due to their Satanic content, evidence of condemning substance abuse while abusing substances, ten counts of releasing awful albums, becoming a born-again Christian, and an additional charge of willfully refusing to spell his band name correctly.
Perhaps the most grievous accusation leveled against the guitarist is his inability to move past his dismissal from Metallica, an event that occurred over 30 years ago.
“This man has tormented the world with his unceasing umbrage towards the members of Metallica,” continued Blix, “and we’ve endured his horrible attitude and frustration-driven songs for an entire generation. Once I saw how pathetic he really was in [2004 documentary] ‘Some Kind of Monster’, I knew he had to be stopped.”
The Tribunal also released an official statement, which reads in part, “Dave Mustaine is a greater enemy to heavy metal than the PMRC, the Westboro Baptist Church, and dubstep combined, irrespective of such arguable ‘classics’ Peace Sells or Rust in Peace, which only had a couple of good songs each when you really examine them. He is a liability to the genre, and a majority of his albums undeniably suck.”
Currently, Mr. Mustaine’s legal team is working to have him temporarily released so that he may continue touring in support of his latest atrocity, Super Collider. The trial will commence in May, and Lars Ulrich is expected to be the prosecution’s star witness.
The Tyranny of Tradition 