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Donald Trump Revealed To Be First Cro-Mags Singer

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Presidential candidate and real estate mogul Donald Trump recently demonstrated that his New York roots run deeper than anyone would have guessed. In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Trump remained characteristically unpredictable by revealing that he was the original singer of New York hardcore legends, the Cro-Mags.

While the identity of the notorious band’s “real” first singer remains a long-running point of contention, Trump may have finally put the argument to rest, saying, “Some people believe John Joseph was the ‘Mags original singer, while others insist the band was originally fronted by guy named Eric Casanova, but I’m here to tell you it was me all along.”

When asked why this information was not already common knowledge, the Republican nominee explained, “Back then I went by ‘DTs’ to not give myself away. I never actually recorded with the band, but I do take some credit for helping shape their sound and approach.”

Unbeknownst to the mavens of the New York scene, Trump had been attending punk and hardcore shows in Manhattan as early as 1978.

“Oh my God, I saw so many amazing gigs at places like CBGBs and Max’s Kansas City,” he enthused, “The Misfits! The Ramones! Hell, even a couple of early Blondie gigs. It was amazing, the bands were just tremendous. By ’81, I knew I had to get a band of my own going, even if it was just a weekend thing.”

And so he did. As a capable organizer, Trump pulled together a rag-tag team of youngsters to help realize his passion for the bare-knuckled music from the mean streets of the Lower East Side.

“I was 36 when things first fell into place,” he continued, “I took Harley Flanagan of The Stimulators, who were a great band, by the way, under my wing, and then found a couple of other kids who were hungry and motivated. My goal was to come up with some of the toughest tunes the Bowery had ever heard.”

In the meantime, Trump’s forays as a developer were already paying big dividends. It became increasingly difficult for him to remain incognito in the underground music community.

“Some people knew who I was, but they kept quiet about it. I wouldn’t throw my weight around, I was just part of the scene. I even got a black eye when Roger Miret [vocalist of Agnostic Front] elbowed me in the face at a show at City Gardens. I took my lumps with the best of them!”

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Trump At An Agnostic Front Show In 1983

Once he hit the stage with the newly-minted Cro-Mags, it became clear that the multi-millionare was not destined to make his imprint on hardcore history.

“I played several gigs with the band, and while the music was reaching people, a lot of them turned on me. I had put up Trump Tower by then, and I’d hear a lot of shouts from the audience, like ‘rich kid!’, or ‘go build another skyscraper, faggot!’. It really hurt. I was dead serious about what I was doing there, but I couldn’t convince them. Finally, I decided to step down. I let the band keep my lyrics to songs like ‘Street Justice’, and ‘Malfunction’, which is really the best thing I ever did. It’s an outstanding number, I have to say.”

No video footage or photographs exist of Trump’s live performances, but upon closer examination, he can indeed be spotted in photographs from many a classic NYHC show. Trump took things a step further by removing his blazer and shirt to show off his array of tattoos, at this point almost a body suit.

“I never stopped getting tats, actually. They mean a lot to me, and they tell my story of my time in that scene, and the double life I had to lead to do it. I’ll always be proud of that, and for my involvement with the Cro-Mags. My holdings, my properties, my candidacy, it all feels so unimportant compared to those shows and that music. I will always keep it close to my heart.”

At press time, Mr. Trump had just completed an election rally appearance in Charlotte, North Carolina, where he recited the lyrics to “World Peace” in their entirety.

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Putin to Obama – ‘Swedish Metal Is Superior’

 

13262186_1077783205596130_217993753_oRussian President Vladimir Putin responded to Barack Obama’s public comments about Finnish Metal bands last Friday, calling the outgoing President “a wimp” and “a poser”.

“Please don’t misunderstand me,” said Putin at the end of last week’s EU Summit, “Finnish metal is truly great, particularly its amazing death metal scene, but for Obama to bring it up like that in front of the President of Finland is so lame. He knows, dude! He’s from there!”

When asked to clarify his remarks, the President snorted and said, “Like he’s ever heard Privilege of Evil. And it’s so clear he was just trying to look cool because he didn’t say anything about Swedish Metal when he was addressing [Swedish Prime Minister] Stefan Lofven! How could he not bring that up?”

Putin went on to characterize Obama as “a tryhard, one who would get a denim vest and then buy all the patches for it at the same time on eBay”.

The Russian head of state also continued to blast Obama’s ignorance to the importance of Swedish Metal. “Left Hand Path – Scandinavia might not even have a underground scene without that album. It’s so crucial, and that little wannabe blew his chance to tell the world about it! He doesn’t know. He wasn’t there. What, did he hear one of his kids play a Finntroll album and decided he knew something?”

After an additional ten minutes of listing Swedish Metal gems that “America’s Poser President” has certainly never heard of, including Dark Recollections and Under the Sign of the Black Mark, Putin paused and added, “But you know what? It’s better that he doesn’t know. I’d hate for him to find his way to the good stuff and then act like he invented it or something. Oh God, can you imagine if he started turning out to all the shows? That would drive me nuts.”

At this point Putin excused himself, inserting a cassette labeled “TREBLINKA” into his Sony Walkman as he headed towards the reception hall.

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Phil Anselmo Apologizes For Remarks In Full Klan Outfit

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With his voice slightly muffled by his white linen mask, former Pantera singer Phil Anselmo apologized for his offensive remarks while wearing a Ku Klux Klan robe and peaked hood.

“I don’t hate anyone more than I hate anyone else,” said the embattled racist as he pulled aside the mask, “I think people are equally worthless, especially the non-white ones.”

Anselmo then winced and started pounding on his own head with his fist while angrily muttering, “No, goddammit! Stupid, stupid stupid!”

After composing himself, the famously intolerant singer continued, “what I said about white power on stage last weekend was a joke and nothing more, just like the idea of racial equality.”

At this point, the icon for everything wrong in heavy metal began to bite down on his bottom lip, eliciting a trickle of blood which ran down his chin. Sweat began to form across his forehead as he stuttered, “I am not a man of hate. Hate has nothing to do with who I am. Just heritage. Yes. Heritage. That’s what matters to me.”

After taking a few deep breaths, the man who once ranted about white pride for ten minutes in the middle of a Pantera concert looked squarely at the camera, shrugged and said, “And that’s all I got to say on the matter. Sieg… uh… sieg ya later.”

Anselmo then somberly turned to the large wooden cross erected behind him and set it ablaze.

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Mike Browning Rejoins Morbid Angel, Announces Split With Band

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Former Morbid Angel drummer and vocalist Mike Browning has rejoined and since left Morbid Angel, according to a press release earlier today. Browning’s lasting contribution to the death metal group was his appearance on the band’s shelved first album, Abominations of Desolation, which was subsequently released after Altars of Madness.

“It was really great to be back in the fold for 10 hours,” stated the drummer, “but it was clear that financial and creative differences were untenable, and I cannot participate in Morbid Angel any longer.”

In a dispatch from the Morbid Angel camp, Trey Azagthoth said, “We really appreciate Mike’s efforts in the band, and we hope that he finds success in his future endeavors.”

At press time, former drummer Wayne Hartsell was spotted heading into Morbid Angel’s studio for an audition.

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Trey Azagthoth Parts Ways With Morbid Angel

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Founding guitarist Trey Azagthoth announced today that he is parting ways with death metal titans Morbid Angel. The news follows in the wake of the dissolution of the current lineup, with bassist/vocalist David Vincent, drummer Tim Yeung, and guitarist Destructhor all dismissed by Azagthoth. Now the only continuous member in Morbid Angel’s nearly 30-year run plans to depart as well.

“The situation in the band has become untenable, with musical and financial considerations remaining unresolved. I can no longer commit to participating and performing in this fashion,” stated Trey, “I wish [returning bassist/vocalist] Steve Tucker the best with Morbid Angel, and I am looking forward to new endeavors of my own.”

At press time, sole remaining member Steve Tucker is sitting in front of his computer with a stunned expression and his mouth hanging open.

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David Vincent to Front Counter at McDonald’s

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Following the controversy in the ousting of Morbid Angel mainstay David Vincent, the bassist/vocalist has announced that he will immediately begin working on a new endeavor, which is fronting a counter at a local McDonald’s.

“McDonald’s is my kind of place,” said Vincent in a press release, “and I know I can really make an impact there. What that restaurant needs is star power and charisma, which is exactly what I bring to the table.”

Vincent went on to discuss how he plans to put patrons in awe with his commanding presence, whether it’s asking if they’d like to supersize their meal, or if they want any extra ketchup packets.

“Morbid Angel had a great run, but I really need to spread my wings and make something I can call my own,” said the former frontman, “I think this is my answer. I hear there’s a lot of room for advancement, and I plan to dominate this place in a few short months.”

At press time, there is no report as to whether or not Mr. Vincent is aware that living hardcore and radikult is strictly prohibited by McDonald’s corporate policy.

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Metal Scientists Successfully Create Rainbow in Dark

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On the fifth anniversary of singer Ronnie James Dio’s passing, metalhead scientists at MIT have announced they have successfully created a rainbow in the dark.

“What was once just a cryptic metaphor is now a scientific reality,” said Chief Physicist Dr. Jim Durkin in a prepared statement, “Until now, rainbows were only possible with the presence of ultraviolet light. In this setting, we have been able to generate a rainbow in a completely dark room with its refraction as the sole source of illumination. This could pave the way to other discoveries like cold fusion.”

As of now, the potential of this new technology remain to be seen. Some researchers have suggested it could prevent people from being brought down by lightning or being left on their own, but most experts agree that its proper applications remain elusive.

“What we’re looking at here is an image caught in time,” said Dr. Wolf Hoffmann, MIT Laser Sciences Director, “when I consider the possibilities of this incredible find, it leaves me virtually speechless, like words without a rhyme.”

A symposium on the significance and meaning of a rainbow in the dark will be held this fall at the National Science Foundation in Washington, DC. Prominent physicists and engineers from all over the globe have already announced plans to attend.

At press time, a team of nautical engineers at Stanford University have announced their intention to design and build a Holy Diver, as soon as they figure out what the hell that is.

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