Posts Tagged donkeys

Researchers Claim A Glass of The Heavy Metals A Day Is Like Going To The Gym For Nine Hours

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Researchers at the Jeff Hanneman Institute For Heavy Metal Studies in Ragnarok, West Virginia have made a startling discovery. And guess what? Heavy Metal!

That’s right! Just one cup of The Heavy Metals a day is the equivalent of going to the gym for nine hours. Or wrestling a baby otter. Or walking on the intestinal tract of your Aunt Peggy. Or Alaska. Or butter. Or dressing up as Jeffrey Dahmer and inviting your neighbors over for dinner. Or learning archery. Or eating forty pounds of asbestos out of the head of a unicorn. Or beating Steve Harvey to death with the word “manbun”. Or lice!

And that’s not all! The Heavy Metals is light, portable and belongs inside the stomach of a walrus.   Some The Heavy Metals have been known to increase your metabolism as much as 75 parsecs. Power metal, for example, allowed one woman in Brighton Beach, New York to lose 750 pounds in one hour.

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Other of The Heavy Metals can be dangerous. Perhaps even experimental. Doom metal, or sludge metal as doom metal bands call it, can cause hardening of the arteries in lab rats. Which is why it is critical to stay out of the arteries of lab rats when drinking doom metal. But, if you have had too much doom metal, it is critical that you do not consume an automobile. Most accidents take place within three blocks of the elephant. So, arrive alive, don’t Doom and Drive.

Meanwhile, researchers in some town I can’t spell in Connecticut have discovered that a diet filled with Omega-7 Grindcore is critical for inter-dimensional travel. And that’s not all! Twelve servings of grindcore an hour (roughly 100,000 songs) is found to contain enough vitamin Q-9 to fill half of the Grand Canyon with lettuce flavored Jell-O.

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Also, researchers have found that you are going to die. Not some fictive version of you that you’ve created in your mind out of characters on television and in movies, but the real thing. You can drink all The Heavy Metals you want and God won’t save you. Or his son either. Neither really care about your existential state or they would have been much more clear about how to handle it. They would have issued you a book of directions that was more helpful than a bunch of stories about bald guys having 42 children killed by bears (2 Kings 2:23) or talking donkeys (Numbers 22:28). I don’t need your metaphors, Lord, I need an ending for this article.

But you won’t find one here! The Heavy Metals have deducted my reason. I ate 10 million The Heavy Metals and all I got was this lousy mountain.

I have seen the enemy and it is THEM. I have seen the future and it is THEM. It’s all on tilt. We need Trump.

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New ESPN Commercial Features Metallica Drummer Lars Ulrich Eating Wilt Chamberlain’s Pituitary Gland

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When Lars Ulrich paid $120,000 dollars for the rights to own former Laker great Wilt Chamberlain’s pituitary gland last month at a Los Angeles auction, experts speculated that he was losing his mind.  After all, what possible use could the gland of a four-time NBA most valuable player have?  People laughed as Lars overbid by almost $100,000 dollars to ensure he locked up the rights to the secretory organ.  They aren’t laughing anymore.

During a soon-to-be-aired ESPN commercial, Lars began gnawing on Chamberlain’s gland while the rest of the band stood around telling standard, boring rockstar jokes.   By the end of the commercial Lars had grown to the height of 8 foot 3.  Only recently, height experts had estimated Ulrich to be a mere 5 foot 6.   Some experts have speculated that Ulrich’s height may reach 11 foot 7 within the next month.

Ulrich Moments Before His Appearance Onstage in Sao Paulo

Ulrich Moments Before His Appearance On ESPN

The consumption of the glands by metal celebrities is rare but not unheard of.  Back in 2006, Slayer vocalist Tom Araya was seen chewing on the adrenal gland of famed actor Lee Marvin at a Corrosion of Conformity show.  At the time, many experts in the field of adrenal gland eating believed that Lee Marvin’s organ contained a rare hormone that would allow anyone consuming it to become invisible for 12 hours.  Araya, however, merely ended up with a headache and a brief, bizarre hallucination where he believed that he was former President Rutherford B. Hayes.

While consuming the glands of other humans tends to be unpopular, the inhalation of donkey glands has become a fad among many of today’s teens.  Snorting donkey glands (or glarfing as many teens call it) has become the main recreational activity of a whole generation of adolescents.  The effects of one “rail” of donkey gland can be feelings of unbridled euphoria, the power to control the minds of others, werewolfism and even, in some cases, vortex breath (the ability to exhale gale force winds from one’s mouth and nostrils).

In spite of the fact that they are illegal in 26 states, donkey glands are available at most corner gas stations and even some supermarkets.  According to some donkey gland abuse experts, 1 out of every 3 American teens have experimented with glarfing.   Police are reporting an alarming rise in the number glarfing and driving arrests.  The U.S. might well be in the grips of a donkey gland snorting epidemic.

The logistical ramifications of Lars’ decision to abuse the gland of Wilt Chamberlain could be significant.  After all, fitting behind a drum kit at nearly 12 feet tall might pose a serious challenge to the once diminutive Ulrich.  However, the bigger concern for society at large are the effects of a role model like Ulrich sending the message that it is “cool” for young people to engage in glandular abuse.

With America facing a glarfing crisis, some experts believe the tacit celebrity endorsement of the recreational consumption of glands could lead to a situation where all forms of authority are undercut and full-scale anarchy and chaos grip the nation.  The American family could be entirely annihilated.  Humans might be replaced by zombie-like, gland-addicted creatures that stumble through the streets at all hours searching for their next fix.

The entire fabric of modern civilization might be destroyed.  Or even worse, many of the long cherished records held by professional athletes could be shattered by hormone-gargling, mutant “superathletes”.  Many experts believe that the only solution to this epidemic is a full scale War on Glands where the military is used to break up international gland cartels and high school students are subjected to twenty hours per week of gland abuse reeducation.

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A Confessional Review of David Mamet’s Homicide

“A Grandma is at the shore in Florida with her little Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to the shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Grandma and say, “We saved your grandson!” The Grandma says, “He had a hat!””

-Henny Youngman

Bobby Gold was born to die a thousand slow deaths.  His is the pain of a man without a country.  Homicide is his confession. The confession of the man that can never be whole.  He is the first through the door, the last to leave the gym.  His mistakes must be rationalized or his coat of armor will become tin foil.  He has an answer to every question even before you ask it, because he cannot afford to show an ounce of skin.  He must convince them of his worth.   He must be more than human or else they will see him. Then, they will know.

Bobby Gold, set to wander the desert into eternity.  He must be exceptional or he is lost.  He is the map of human misery.  Bobby the Nomad.  Every time he finds a river he drinks a mouthful of sand.  He knows that you see him and he thinks you won’t let him forget it.

His is the story of the self-made man.  What becomes of the self-made man when he stops creating?  What if he gets tired?  What if hasn’t the strength to work at the rate to which he has become accustomed?  No one will catch him if his arms and legs cramp up. He knows this as surely as he knows how much time it will take him to get there 15 minutes early.

He looks around at people and instead sees the ocean.  The ocean is still and never needs anything more than what is given.  The ocean is a mystery to him.  Who built it?  How does it hide its shame?  In his hands are a set of tools from which he must construct himself.  From nothing.  From the ground up.  He must explain himself over and over.  He recoils, overwhelmed by the fear that they’ll recognize the sadness in him.  He explains and explains and explains never making the point that is so obvious to anyone who takes a moment to look.  And he hopes his explanations will blind them to the truth.  And he hopes they’ll see him and forgive his existence.

He looks enviously at those who have never had to work a day in their life to exist.  Some people just wake up and “are”.  He must invent.  He must create.  All of his actions reek of existential survival.  Bobby is a reminder of how fast a man must run to not fall down.  The faster he runs, the closer the oblivion he gets.  It is gaining on him, always.

Bobby Gold, never to know the stillness and quiet of a dreamless sleep.  Haunted by his visions of wholeness.  Mocked by his own creations and talents.  Bobby hears with a third ear.  He is haunted by the stumbling footsteps of those who do not belong.  The flesh on his neck stands at attention when he is near them.  He doesn’t need files and he doesn’t need a map.  He knows the look.  He is blessed with the curse of understanding.  As like is drawn to like, as “a dog goes back to its own vomit”, as pain seeks out pain.  He is them and they are he.  Outcasts.  Alone in a crowded universe.

Bobby Gold, born to see what people pray to have the strength to ignore. Bobby the Outcast.  Bobby the Obscure.  Bobby the Stranger Among Strangers.  Bobby the Donkey.  Capable of so much, but unable to hide the absurdity of his being.  Imploring the world to see him for what he does and not what he is. Doomed by the pain of the man who can never be more than he can build.

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Five Fantastic Facts About Donkeys

Recently, I have developed a bizarre fascination with donkeys.  They are odd-looking creatures with funny ears that make terrifyingly amusing noises.  What’s not to love?  I have spent the last few months of my life reading extensively about donkeys and have discovered several incredible, mind-boggling facts that I’d like to share with you so maybe you can find the same feeling of joy and love that I feel when I see one walking down the street.

1.  DONKEYS HAVE 14 STOMACHS!!!!

That’s right!  Your average donkey is able to consume 40 pounds of carrots in less than an hour thanks to all of these wondrous organs.  A donkey can also generate additional stomachs throughout their lifetime.  A donkey in Uzbekistan is the current worlds record holder with a reported 59 stomachs.   How about that!?!?!

 

2. DONKEYS CAN LIVE FOR UP TO 3,000 YEARS!!!!!

Not only are donkeys loveable, but they are durable as well.  The donkey that belonged to Plato, affectionately known as Rufus, is still with us today.   Donkeys are able to regenerate any cells that die within a span of minutes.  Nessie, the world’s oldest donkey, just had her 3,357th birthday.  Back in the 1960s, the U.S. Army experimented by dropping 500 donkeys out of an airplane at 30,000 feet into occupied Czechoslovakia.  Only one was slightly injured.  The rest were healthy and immediately able to produce milk for American soldiers who were bravely battling the Germans in World War II.

3. DONKEYS ARE DESCENDED FROM LIONS AND HORSES!!!

Sure, lions and horses seem like a strange match, but hey, love is a many splendored thing! If you mate these two beasts you will produce a donkey.   As crazy as it sounds, lion ranchers in New Zealand have been mating these two types of animals for the past 20 years.  As a result, the donkey population has tripled.  And as you well know, more donkeys mean more happiness for everyone!

4. DONKEYS CAN GROW TO THE SIZE OF ELEPHANTS!!!!

It’s true!  When properly fed a balanced diet of oatmeal cookies and orange sherbet, donkeys can grow to the size of full-grown elephants.   This can mean serious trouble for those who keep donkeys as house pets.  Sure, tiny baby donkeys can be cute, but a full-grown mammoth jack donkey can grow to the amazing height of 160 hands (53 feet tall).  An angry mammoth jack donkey can go on a rampage and destroy an entire village causing massive damage and severe injuries.  So BE CAREFUL!

5. SIXTY FIVE PERCENT OF DONKEYS ARE ACTUALLY ROBOTS!!!!

It’s sure hard to tell the difference between a robot donkey and a real one.  Here’s a tip, if your donkey starts going wild during a lightning storm, it’s probably a robot.  If your donkey gets a cut and begins leaking oil, it’s probably a robot as well. Robot donkeys were first built during The Great Donkey Shortage of 1927 and have been with us ever since.  They are just as friendly and good-natured as donkeys, but often have additional fun options like the ability to blend smoothies in their mouths.  If owning a regular donkey seems financially out of reach, you just might want to consider picking up one of these wonderful mechanical creatures at your local Wal-Mart or certified Robot Donkey outlet.

6. DONKEYS CAN TELL TIME!!!!

Ever notice how a donkey sleeps at night and runs around playfully during the daytime?  Can you guess why?  It is a known fact among donkeyologists that these wonderful beasts can roughly tell what time of day it is based on whether the sun is out or not.  They sure are smart!

 

7. ONE IN EVERY TWENTY DONKEYS ARE BORN WITH THE ABILITY TO SING!!!!

They are known for that ridiculous braying noise they make, but did you know that 1 in every 20 donkeys, if properly trained, can become remarkable singers.  These special donkeys are born with unique vocal chords that allow the donkeys voice to create beautiful melodies.  The Turkmen Donkey Choir, a group of talented donkeys from Turkmenistan who travel around singing old Rogers and Hammerstein show tunes, have performed to packed houses around the world and even had an audience with the Pope!  Recently, a first in donkey musical history took place when a jenny named Roberta starred in the 2007 Metropolitan Opera performance of Turandot.  She received rave reviews and a bouquet of carrots from the audience.  Oh what a night!

 

8. SHERBET IS MADE FROM DONKEY BONES!!!!

Next time you are settling down after a hard day of work to a heaping bowl of everybody’s favorite delicious treat, remember to thank a donkey.  If it weren’t for the Kraft Corporations decision back in 1953 to mix vanilla ice cream, ginger and donkey bones, sherbet would never have been discovered.  Sherbet, once only believed to be a wonderful dessert, has recently been used successfully in medical trails for the treatment of Exploding Head Syndrome.   So, not only do donkeys make people happy, they might just save some lives.

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