Posts Tagged Donkey
Half donkey, half zebra, half Danzig and all parts fuzzy and adorable. Lucifuge Anzalone, the foal of a male zebra, a female donkey and metal vocalist Glenn Danzig, was reported to be in good health after, just a few days after being born on an island in the South Pacific. The new species, referred to as a Danzonkey, is not only cute and cuddly, but has a rich, soulful voice reminiscent of Roy Orbison.
The story of Lucifuge’s birth reads like something out of a gothic horror novel. About nine months ago, Danzig was on a cruise of Southeast Asia when his boat capsized killing all 308 passengers. Danzig was feared dead, but managed to hold his breath underwater for 6 days while freeing himself from the hull of the boat. He then swam 300 miles to a remote island near Borneo.
There he encountered Dr. Josef Moreau, a 108-year-old once renowned German scientist who had worked on The Manhattan Project and had been responsible for the creation of DDT. Moreau had been banished to the island back in 1999 after his controversial creation, a 700,000 pound hybrid of a tuna, a Chihuahua and comedian Jerry Lewis, attacked the city of Tokyo.
At first, Danzig and Moreau struck up a friendship, bonding over their interest in the occult roots of Nazism and one of the lost books of the Bible where Jesus makes clay statues come to life and attack the city of Nazareth. However, Danzig realized that there was a problem one morning when he found himself drugged, strapped to an operating table and robbed of his male essence.
Later in the evening, he was able to break free of his cage, get his hands on a ham radio and call in a drone air strike that killed Moreau and most of the other beasts that inhabited the island. However, one of Moreau’s henchmen, a half-human, half-goat named Cupcake, took the female donkey that had been made pregnant with Danzig and a zebra and hid in a cave for months.
Cupcake called the US Department of Defense early on Tuesday in order to sell the recently born Danzonkey, which is reported to have telepathic powers the military hopes to weaponize, for 120 million dollars. Lucifuge is currently staying in at a secret CIA base in Poland along with a team of scientists and shape shifting telekinetics. Meanwhile, according to top government officials, Danzig will not be able to gain custody of the Danzonkey, but will retain the right to visit him on weekends and take him to an occasional ballgame or the zoo.
Recently, I have developed a bizarre fascination with donkeys. They are odd-looking creatures with funny ears that make terrifyingly amusing noises. What’s not to love? I have spent the last few months of my life reading extensively about donkeys and have discovered several incredible, mind-boggling facts that I’d like to share with you so maybe you can find the same feeling of joy and love that I feel when I see one walking down the street.
1. DONKEYS HAVE 14 STOMACHS!!!!
That’s right! Your average donkey is able to consume 40 pounds of carrots in less than an hour thanks to all of these wondrous organs. A donkey can also generate additional stomachs throughout their lifetime. A donkey in Uzbekistan is the current worlds record holder with a reported 59 stomachs. How about that!?!?!
2. DONKEYS CAN LIVE FOR UP TO 3,000 YEARS!!!!!
Not only are donkeys loveable, but they are durable as well. The donkey that belonged to Plato, affectionately known as Rufus, is still with us today. Donkeys are able to regenerate any cells that die within a span of minutes. Nessie, the world’s oldest donkey, just had her 3,357th birthday. Back in the 1960s, the U.S. Army experimented by dropping 500 donkeys out of an airplane at 30,000 feet into occupied Czechoslovakia. Only one was slightly injured. The rest were healthy and immediately able to produce milk for American soldiers who were bravely battling the Germans in World War II.
3. DONKEYS ARE DESCENDED FROM LIONS AND HORSES!!!
Sure, lions and horses seem like a strange match, but hey, love is a many splendored thing! If you mate these two beasts you will produce a donkey. As crazy as it sounds, lion ranchers in New Zealand have been mating these two types of animals for the past 20 years. As a result, the donkey population has tripled. And as you well know, more donkeys mean more happiness for everyone!
4. DONKEYS CAN GROW TO THE SIZE OF ELEPHANTS!!!!
It’s true! When properly fed a balanced diet of oatmeal cookies and orange sherbet, donkeys can grow to the size of full-grown elephants. This can mean serious trouble for those who keep donkeys as house pets. Sure, tiny baby donkeys can be cute, but a full-grown mammoth jack donkey can grow to the amazing height of 160 hands (53 feet tall). An angry mammoth jack donkey can go on a rampage and destroy an entire village causing massive damage and severe injuries. So BE CAREFUL!
5. SIXTY FIVE PERCENT OF DONKEYS ARE ACTUALLY ROBOTS!!!!
It’s sure hard to tell the difference between a robot donkey and a real one. Here’s a tip, if your donkey starts going wild during a lightning storm, it’s probably a robot. If your donkey gets a cut and begins leaking oil, it’s probably a robot as well. Robot donkeys were first built during The Great Donkey Shortage of 1927 and have been with us ever since. They are just as friendly and good-natured as donkeys, but often have additional fun options like the ability to blend smoothies in their mouths. If owning a regular donkey seems financially out of reach, you just might want to consider picking up one of these wonderful mechanical creatures at your local Wal-Mart or certified Robot Donkey outlet.
6. DONKEYS CAN TELL TIME!!!!
Ever notice how a donkey sleeps at night and runs around playfully during the daytime? Can you guess why? It is a known fact among donkeyologists that these wonderful beasts can roughly tell what time of day it is based on whether the sun is out or not. They sure are smart!
7. ONE IN EVERY TWENTY DONKEYS ARE BORN WITH THE ABILITY TO SING!!!!
They are known for that ridiculous braying noise they make, but did you know that 1 in every 20 donkeys, if properly trained, can become remarkable singers. These special donkeys are born with unique vocal chords that allow the donkeys voice to create beautiful melodies. The Turkmen Donkey Choir, a group of talented donkeys from Turkmenistan who travel around singing old Rogers and Hammerstein show tunes, have performed to packed houses around the world and even had an audience with the Pope! Recently, a first in donkey musical history took place when a jenny named Roberta starred in the 2007 Metropolitan Opera performance of Turandot. She received rave reviews and a bouquet of carrots from the audience. Oh what a night!
8. SHERBET IS MADE FROM DONKEY BONES!!!!
Next time you are settling down after a hard day of work to a heaping bowl of everybody’s favorite delicious treat, remember to thank a donkey. If it weren’t for the Kraft Corporations decision back in 1953 to mix vanilla ice cream, ginger and donkey bones, sherbet would never have been discovered. Sherbet, once only believed to be a wonderful dessert, has recently been used successfully in medical trails for the treatment of Exploding Head Syndrome. So, not only do donkeys make people happy, they might just save some lives.