Posts Tagged Comandante 666
(This letter arrived earlier this morning at The Tyranny of Tradition Offices in Atlanta, Georgia by carrier pigeon)
Dear Army of False Metal,
I write to you today from an undisclosed location in the mountains of Cleveland, Ohio. Using intelligence supplied by the CIA, Manowar’s drone strikes have continued in Afghanistan tens of thousands of miles away from our hideout. Our War Against Heavy Metal continues! We will fight in the air! We will fight in the sea! We will never surrender!
Today, I come to you with a political message. While the American democracy has pretty much become the laughingstock of nearly anyone who doesn’t drool while they speak, we still believe the process can help us attain our ends….The Full Scale Destruction of Heavy Metal. This is why I, as a registered voter in the State of Georgia, have decided to support Senatorial Candidate Paul Broun in his quest for victory.
Why support a man who should probably be institutionalized for comments like “evolution is a lie from the pit of hell”? After all, Broun is so far to the right he makes Ronald Reagan look like Abbie Hoffman.
No political labels apply in The Freak Future. It doesn’t matter if you are a conservative or a liberal. We are only concerned with whether you have what it takes to help us remove heavy metal from the earth once and for all. Paul Broun is that type of man.
While I’ve never actually heard Broun comment on heavy metal, his four-pronged decision making process is possibly the most decisive and simplified method of determining policy since Robespierre started using the guillotine. It is so simple a three-year-old child could grasp it. Broun asks four questions. If the answer is yes for all four, he votes for it. If the answer is no to even one, he votes against it.
The questions are:
- Is it Right/Moral? (in the Christian sense, of course)
- Is it Constitutional?
- Is it Necessary?
- Is it Affordable?
Putting aside the fact that many highly intelligent people disagree on whether certain things are moral, constitutional, necessary or affordable and only a mentally defective farm animal would not know that, it is clear that this system can be of great benefit to the Anti-Metal Revolution.
If you run heavy metal through Broun’s Guillotine, it is clear that he is our ally:
- Metal is clearly immoral. Anyone who has looked at the cover of a Cannibal Corpse album or waited patiently for the new Rotting Christ to come out has to, on some level, recognize that metal is the music of Satan. Now, I don’t actually care about this and rather enjoy its demonic nature, but if we want to bring back The Tipper Gore Show Trials, this is a wonderful tool to get us there.
- Metal is clearly unconstitutional. When God wrote the Constitution, I am sure He didn’t mean for the whole free speech thing to protect longhaired heathens. The first Ten Commandments to The Constitution surely do not protect the enemies of freedom and liberty.
- Metal is not necessary. You can’t eat heavy metal to provide the body sustenance, you cannot breathe heavy metal in order to not suffocate, and you cannot drink heavy metal to quench your body’s natural thirst. Unless it is necessary to keep human beings making over 100,000 dollars a year alive, it is not necessary in Broun’s world.
- Metal is not affordable. Anyone who has paid 80 bucks to see Iron Maiden play “Lord of The Flies” and a bunch of other songs that everyone hates or has picked up a second mortgage on their home to buy the 9 disc Immolation box set because of the rare, unreleased Molly Hatchet cover on it knows exactly what I’m talking about.
Bingo…4 for 4! Truthfully, none of these points actually matter, it’s just a gimmick to spare voters from actually pondering the meaning of the critical issues that affect their lives. The truth is, Broun’s Guillotine is nothing more than a Trojan horse to smuggle in almost any agenda that he and his campaign donors want. And one of those things could be the annihilation of heavy metal! Maybe even a few metalheads in the process!
The Revolution Will Be Lobotomized! We Are The Freak Future!
The War on Anti-Metal has begun. The opening salvo of a campaign to capture and kill members of PMRC (The People’s Metal Revolutionary Committee) started early this morning when Manowar launched drone fighters to bombard the anti-metal stronghold in the mountains of Afghanistan.
The PMRC, a nonviolent movement of insurgents known for scathing anti-metal satire and their bizarre manifesto “Heavy Metal Must Be Destroyed”, have taken to the hills to “eradicate the tired, stale traditions that have rotted away a once great form of music and rebellion.”
Several members of the PMRC sleeper were arrested last month by the FBI in connection with an attempt to pass out One Direction shirts to fans attending a Slayer concert. A similar arrest was made after two PMRC members took over the airwaves of WRAT, a metal radio station in Toledo, Ohio, and played Mariah Carey’s song “Hero” continuously for three straight hours.
The strikes, known as “Operation Black Wind, Fire and Steel”, are an attempt to root out the Enemies of True Metal. In a speech earlier today, Five Star Metal General Joey DeMaio stated that the strikes are meant, “to destroy The Axis of Posers”.
The laser guided precision bombs, similar to those used by the US military, were dropped on the caves of Tora Bora. 4 out of 30 hit their targets, breaking the record of 3 out of 30 set by the military back in 2003. Two of the bombs that went slightly off course did significant damage. One hit a village outside of Bangalore, India while the other destroyed a hot dog stand in Sacramento, California.
Metal Emperor Eric W. Adams announced the attacks on television last night in front of the Congress of Metal Gods. “The evil ones have roused a mighty nation of metal warriors. However long it takes, I am determined that we will prevail. And prevail we must, because we fight for one thing, and that is heavy metal, and the freedom of metal heads everywhere.”
In a rousing conclusion to his speech, Adams brought the crowd to its feet for a 10 minute standing ovation. “Ours is the cause of metal. We’ve defeated metal’s enemies before, and we will defeat them again. We cannot know every turn this battle will take, yet we know our cause is just and our ultimate victory is assured. We will no doubt face new challenges, but we have our marching orders. My fellow metalheads, let’s roll.”
Comandante 666 (a shadowy, demented propagandist named Keith Spillett) is the leader of the PMRC. Manowar has offered their entire discography on vinyl along with an autographed Karl Logan guitar as a bounty on Spillett. If his head is brought to Manowar in a burlap sack, they will also provide the assassin with a pair of drumsticks used by Rhino during the Triumph of Steel studio sessions. However, most of the merch, which the band paid the Halliburton Corporation over 10 million dollars to produce, will be awarded for Spillett “dead or alive”.
Spillett and the PMRC released a videotape to the major cable news networks from an unknown cave in the mountains of Tora Bora, located somewhere between Pakistan and Cleveland. In the tape, he announced a “Holy War against Manowar.”
The ten minute recording was highlighted by Spillett’s pronouncement that “metal has become cliché ridden nonsense. Corpse paint, Vikings, Lord of The Rings references, random band names taken out of medical textbooks, mosh pits, recycled trends and arguments about ‘who is more pure’ are pretty much all that is left.”
“Metal should be about rebellion from cliché and breaking away from the ridiculous standards placed upon us by a culture gone mad. Instead, it’s about elder worship, paying 80 bucks to hear some album live that you’ve heard eight thousand times and writing RIP next to the names of a bunch of ‘fallen heroes’ in order to show allegiance to ‘the cause’. Destruction is the only form of creation left to us. I love heavy metal with all my heart, that is why I believe it must be destroyed!”
“The idols of metal must be smashed! Its clichés must be annihilated! In its destruction, we shall create a new metal! A freak future! A new art completely outside of the traditions and rituals of our post-modern nightmare of a world. We shall capture and live in the moment we broke away from the conformity of society and discovered ourselves as metalheads. And we shall construct a new reality!”
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