(This letter arrived earlier this morning at The Tyranny of Tradition Offices in Atlanta, Georgia by carrier pigeon)
Dear Army of False Metal,
I write to you today from an undisclosed location in the mountains of Cleveland, Ohio. Using intelligence supplied by the CIA, Manowar’s drone strikes have continued in Afghanistan tens of thousands of miles away from our hideout. Our War Against Heavy Metal continues! We will fight in the air! We will fight in the sea! We will never surrender!
Today, I come to you with a political message. While the American democracy has pretty much become the laughingstock of nearly anyone who doesn’t drool while they speak, we still believe the process can help us attain our ends….The Full Scale Destruction of Heavy Metal. This is why I, as a registered voter in the State of Georgia, have decided to support Senatorial Candidate Paul Broun in his quest for victory.
Why support a man who should probably be institutionalized for comments like “evolution is a lie from the pit of hell”? After all, Broun is so far to the right he makes Ronald Reagan look like Abbie Hoffman.
No political labels apply in The Freak Future. It doesn’t matter if you are a conservative or a liberal. We are only concerned with whether you have what it takes to help us remove heavy metal from the earth once and for all. Paul Broun is that type of man.
While I’ve never actually heard Broun comment on heavy metal, his four-pronged decision making process is possibly the most decisive and simplified method of determining policy since Robespierre started using the guillotine. It is so simple a three-year-old child could grasp it. Broun asks four questions. If the answer is yes for all four, he votes for it. If the answer is no to even one, he votes against it.
The questions are:
- Is it Right/Moral? (in the Christian sense, of course)
- Is it Constitutional?
- Is it Necessary?
- Is it Affordable?
Putting aside the fact that many highly intelligent people disagree on whether certain things are moral, constitutional, necessary or affordable and only a mentally defective farm animal would not know that, it is clear that this system can be of great benefit to the Anti-Metal Revolution.
If you run heavy metal through Broun’s Guillotine, it is clear that he is our ally:
- Metal is clearly immoral. Anyone who has looked at the cover of a Cannibal Corpse album or waited patiently for the new Rotting Christ to come out has to, on some level, recognize that metal is the music of Satan. Now, I don’t actually care about this and rather enjoy its demonic nature, but if we want to bring back The Tipper Gore Show Trials, this is a wonderful tool to get us there.
- Metal is clearly unconstitutional. When God wrote the Constitution, I am sure He didn’t mean for the whole free speech thing to protect longhaired heathens. The first Ten Commandments to The Constitution surely do not protect the enemies of freedom and liberty.
- Metal is not necessary. You can’t eat heavy metal to provide the body sustenance, you cannot breathe heavy metal in order to not suffocate, and you cannot drink heavy metal to quench your body’s natural thirst. Unless it is necessary to keep human beings making over 100,000 dollars a year alive, it is not necessary in Broun’s world.
- Metal is not affordable. Anyone who has paid 80 bucks to see Iron Maiden play “Lord of The Flies” and a bunch of other songs that everyone hates or has picked up a second mortgage on their home to buy the 9 disc Immolation box set because of the rare, unreleased Molly Hatchet cover on it knows exactly what I’m talking about.
Bingo…4 for 4! Truthfully, none of these points actually matter, it’s just a gimmick to spare voters from actually pondering the meaning of the critical issues that affect their lives. The truth is, Broun’s Guillotine is nothing more than a Trojan horse to smuggle in almost any agenda that he and his campaign donors want. And one of those things could be the annihilation of heavy metal! Maybe even a few metalheads in the process!
The Revolution Will Be Lobotomized! We Are The Freak Future!