Posts Tagged Eric Adams

Manowar Uses Drone Strikes To Assassinate Anti-Metal Revolutionaries In Mountains Of Afghanistan

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The War on Anti-Metal has begun. The opening salvo of a campaign to capture and kill members of PMRC (The People’s Metal Revolutionary Committee) started early this morning when Manowar launched drone fighters to bombard the anti-metal stronghold in the mountains of Afghanistan.

The PMRC, a nonviolent movement of insurgents known for scathing anti-metal satire and their bizarre manifesto “Heavy Metal Must Be Destroyed”, have taken to the hills to “eradicate the tired, stale traditions that have rotted away a once great form of music and rebellion.”

Several members of the PMRC sleeper were arrested last month by the FBI in connection with an attempt to pass out One Direction shirts to fans attending a Slayer concert. A similar arrest was made after two PMRC members took over the airwaves of WRAT, a metal radio station in Toledo, Ohio, and played Mariah Carey’s song “Hero” continuously for three straight hours.

The strikes, known as “Operation Black Wind, Fire and Steel”, are an attempt to root out the Enemies of True Metal. In a speech earlier today, Five Star Metal General Joey DeMaio stated that the strikes are meant, “to destroy The Axis of Posers”.

The laser guided precision bombs, similar to those used by the US military, were dropped on the caves of Tora Bora. 4 out of 30 hit their targets, breaking the record of 3 out of 30 set by the military back in 2003. Two of the bombs that went slightly off course did significant damage.  One hit a village outside of Bangalore, India while the other destroyed a hot dog stand in Sacramento, California.

Metal Emperor Eric W. Adams announced the attacks on television last night in front of the Congress of Metal Gods. “The evil ones have roused a mighty nation of metal warriors. However long it takes, I am determined that we will prevail. And prevail we must, because we fight for one thing, and that is heavy metal, and the freedom of metal heads everywhere.”

In a rousing conclusion to his speech, Adams brought the crowd to its feet for a 10 minute standing ovation. “Ours is the cause of metal. We’ve defeated metal’s enemies before, and we will defeat them again. We cannot know every turn this battle will take, yet we know our cause is just and our ultimate victory is assured. We will no doubt face new challenges, but we have our marching orders. My fellow metalheads, let’s roll.”

Comandate 666 (Keith Spillett) During His Videotaped Message

Comandate 666 (Keith Spillett) During His Videotaped Message

Comandante 666 (a shadowy, demented propagandist named Keith Spillett) is the leader of the PMRC. Manowar has offered their entire discography on vinyl along with an autographed Karl Logan guitar as a bounty on Spillett. If his head is brought to Manowar in a burlap sack, they will also provide the assassin with a pair of drumsticks used by Rhino during the Triumph of Steel studio sessions. However, most of the merch, which the band paid the Halliburton Corporation over 10 million dollars to produce, will be awarded for Spillett “dead or alive”.

Spillett and the PMRC released a videotape to the major cable news networks from an unknown cave in the mountains of Tora Bora, located somewhere between Pakistan and Cleveland. In the tape, he announced a “Holy War against Manowar.”

The ten minute recording was highlighted by Spillett’s pronouncement that “metal has become cliché ridden nonsense. Corpse paint, Vikings, Lord of The Rings references, random band names taken out of medical textbooks, mosh pits, recycled trends and arguments about ‘who is more pure’ are pretty much all that is left.”

“Metal should be about rebellion from cliché and breaking away from the ridiculous standards placed upon us by a culture gone mad. Instead, it’s about elder worship, paying 80 bucks to hear some album live that you’ve heard eight thousand times and writing RIP next to the names of a bunch of ‘fallen heroes’ in order to show allegiance to ‘the cause’. Destruction is the only form of creation left to us. I love heavy metal with all my heart, that is why I believe it must be destroyed!”

“The idols of metal must be smashed! Its clichés must be annihilated! In its destruction, we shall create a new metal! A freak future! A new art completely outside of the traditions and rituals of our post-modern nightmare of a world. We shall capture and live in the moment we broke away from the conformity of society and discovered ourselves as metalheads. And we shall construct a new reality!”

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Manowar Secedes From United States Over Obama’s “False Metal Agenda”

Into Guam Ride

In a stunning, utterly asinine move, legendary metal band Manowar, frustrated with the false metal policies of the Obama administration, seceded from the United States this morning. President Obama has recently made several decisions that have angered the Anti-False Metal Community including vetoing a bill that would have mandated life prison sentences for anyone caught with a Staind or Nickleback album and brought back the guillotine for anyone convicted of knowing the name of more than one Stryper song.

Obama, who had promised a poser free America by 2020, also recently scrapped plans to create a Department of True Metal.  According to Manowar frontman Eric Adams, “This False Metal President came to Washington promising change.  If your idea of change is watching the Olsen Twins running around in Master of Puppets shirts or hearing that stupid Pumped Up Kicks song on the radio 42 times a day, then you are not my friend.”

Adams and the current lineup of the band have claimed the island of Guam “in the name of real, serious, true, genuine, honest, authentic, unquestionable, forthright, unfeigned, irrefutable, unambiguous, steadfast, bona fide, resolute, unaffected, substantive, uncontrived, headbanging metal”.  Guam will be a refuge for frustrated metalheads, tired of living in a world where even a new Morbid Angel album can bring shame and despair.

Residents of Guam, mostly unaware of the change in leadership, had mixed reaction to the news.  Some Guamites saw the news as a hopeful sign.  “Hopefully Manowar can rid us of our recent infestation of Coconut Rhinoceros Beetles.  If they can do that, I’m all for this” said Arturo Gratame, a farmer in the city of Yona.   Others, like resturaunt owner Moru Calvo were deeply upset by the change.  “They’ve written about one good song since Triumph of Steel.  Now we are going to trust our lives and property to them.  I don’t think so!”

Most Congressmen either didn’t know who Manowar was or were annoyed to be asked ridiculous questions while busy not passing any piece of important legislation to alleviate suffering caused by the stagnant American economy. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid seemed particularly hostile to the secession of Manowar.  “Like I don’t have enough to deal with already.  What the hell are they talking about?  Manowar isn’t a country.  They are a band.  They can’t secede from the United States.  And they certainly can’t have Guam.  We have military bases there.   They can’t just take it over cause they are pissed off that Metallica did that stupid record with Lou Reed or because there are too many mallgoths.  It’s unacceptable.”

Adams, who arrived in Guam this morning on a flying golden chariot, dismissed Senator Reid’s comments as “the typical posturing of someone who secretly listens to Maroon 5 albums in his basement while reading Cosmopolitan Magazine and wearing a pink taffeta gown.  Reid wouldn’t make it through one song at a Manowar concert before his entrails would be consumed by The Army of Immortals.”

Republican Presidential candidate Rick Perry, who once also threatened to have Texas secede from the Union, compared Manowar’s plight to the South during The Civil War.  “I can understand the frustration those boys feel.  They are sick and tired of being pushed around by federal government, just like the South felt when they rose up and rebelled against President John F. Kennedy and the North in the Civil War.  I hope they are successful.  After all, Guam is currently being run by socialists.”

The band is currently meeting on a mountaintop overlooking the village of Santa Rita awaiting instructions from Odin on how to proceed.  Joey DeMaio, the band’s bassist and spiritual leader, believes they will successfully conquer Guam in a few days in spite of the fact that they will probably have to subdue the mighty U.S. Navy in order to do it.  “I will crack the whip with a bold, mighty hail,” pronounced DeMaio as bolts of lightning shot from his sword.  “The earth will probably drink much blood today, but it shall not be ours.  We shall ride into glory….because…..WE………..ARE THE METAL KINGS!!!!!!!”

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