Posts Tagged toxic megacolon
Last week, while I was at the Hot Topic in the North Dekalb Mall buying my four year old son a “Blessthefall” hoodie, the most improbable thing took place. I started talking about heavy metal music with the guy in front of me and he mentioned that he was Dave Mustaine from the band Megadeth. I was blown away! I’ve been a huge fan of them for years. I couldn’t let an opportunity of a lifetime go away, so I asked Mr. Mustaine if he was willing to do an interview with me. In exchange for a large Orange Julius, he agreed to sit down with me in the Food Court and answer some questions.
Tyranny: Mr. Mustaine, it’s an honor to meet you. Thanks so much for your time.
Mustaine: (slurping at his drink) It’s your dime, pal.
Tyranny: Well, first let’s get through the tough stuff. You were kicked out of Metallica a long time ago. Do you still have any anger towards them?
Mustaine: Don’t try to trip me up, buddy. I am in the band Megadeth. M-E-G-A-D-E-A-T-H! The Julius is going fast. Hurry up.
Tyranny: Okay, uhmm, well you have talked about aliens a lot in your music. Do you really believe the government is hiding their existence from us?
Mustaine: Look bro (looking around suspiciously and lowering his voice). I can tell you for sure they are real. And not just in that Hangar 13 in Arkansas. I see a guy in here all the time. He always pretends he’s going to buy a Build-A-Bear. Everyday he’s in here. You know why, man? He’s studying us. Sizing us up. Looking to make his move. One day, he’s gonna bug out and start eating mall goths and babies and stuff.
Know what? I’m not afraid of him. Know why? I drink half a bottle of hand sanitizer everyday. Stings a bit going down but he can’t see my heat trails because of that. So, when things get crazy, Old Dave will be just fine. Don’t worry about me, bro.
Tyranny: Sounds like you know too much….
Tyranny: So, you’re Christian?
Mustaine: No dude, I told you. I’m Dave. What is this….a test?
Tyranny: Have you recovered fully from your injury yet?
Mustaine: Oh, you mean that thing that happened during the war. Yeah, I’m mostly better. The spine eating lizards put a device in my head that causes me to feel burning sensations whenever someone turns on a microwave, but beyond that, I’m totally cool.
Tyranny: What is the thing that you have written that you are most proud of?
Mustaine: About 30 years ago, when I was Jane Austen, I wrote a book called Persuasion. It’s your basic story of love lost and love found. In many ways, it’s a metaphor for the sadness at the root of the human condition. There is a passage in the book where Captain Wentworth takes a hammer and beats a squirrel to death. When I wrote that, I understood truly what it means to be a woman.
Tyranny: Uhm, okay….
Mustaine: SHHHHHHHH!!!! You see that.
Mustaine: Shhhhh…shut up! Pretend we are not talking. You don’t know me and my name is Marvin.
(A horrifically awkward silence of about two minutes)
Mustaine: Okay…it’s cool.
Tyranny: What just happened?
Mustaine: Did you ever see that movie “They Live”?
(Mustaine stares at me nodding with a knowing smile)
Tyranny: Where do you see your music progressing over the last 10 years?
Mustaine: You know how bands always say their music is either going to get heavier or that they are going to begin to hold strangers down and pour mouthwash in their eyes until the demons in their soul are vanquished to the Land of The Mog or that they are sorry that they randomly kicked and beat that vagrant on the side of the road in Phoenix all those years ago or that time I started cutting pictures of men with mustaches out of fashion magazines and pasting them up on the front door of local daycare centers or that they should know better and that they should beg forgiveness from a gila monster that won’t get off my front porch…..
Tyranny: (waiting for the thought to be completed) Uhmmmmm…….uh-huh.
Mustaine: (snapping back from a brief moment of staring staring blankly into space) Did I turn my iron off at home? It’s important. I don’t want there to be a fire.
Tyranny: I’m not really sure what….
Mustaine: (suddenly filled with rage) Look, I need to let you know that the world is going to end on February 29th, 2017. I need you to understand that. Because we are all fragile beings. Because we are delicate people. Dreamers. Dreaming. Alone. Bewildered. Facing demons of our own creation and of the creation of so many others. Facing eternalness. Everywhere we look. Besieged by creatures that call our names but disappear when we turn around.
Tyranny: But…2017 isn’t a leap year?!?!
Mustaine: Exactly! See what I’m saying. You see!!!
Mustaine: Nah! That’s it. I’m on to you, Gropius. I see you in there! You can’t fool me. My Julius is finished! You’ve nibbled at the toes of eternal truth long enough. Peace!
And with a flash of light, he was gone…..
contra dance, dave mustaine, DaveMustaine, hand sanitizer, interviews, Jane Austen, megadeth, Metal, metal interviews, Mustaine, Orange Julius, the numbing and terrible onset of dementia, toxic megacolon
In a stunning, utterly asinine move, legendary metal band Manowar, frustrated with the false metal policies of the Obama administration, seceded from the United States this morning. President Obama has recently made several decisions that have angered the Anti-False Metal Community including vetoing a bill that would have mandated life prison sentences for anyone caught with a Staind or Nickleback album and brought back the guillotine for anyone convicted of knowing the name of more than one Stryper song.
Obama, who had promised a poser free America by 2020, also recently scrapped plans to create a Department of True Metal. According to Manowar frontman Eric Adams, “This False Metal President came to Washington promising change. If your idea of change is watching the Olsen Twins running around in Master of Puppets shirts or hearing that stupid Pumped Up Kicks song on the radio 42 times a day, then you are not my friend.”
Adams and the current lineup of the band have claimed the island of Guam “in the name of real, serious, true, genuine, honest, authentic, unquestionable, forthright, unfeigned, irrefutable, unambiguous, steadfast, bona fide, resolute, unaffected, substantive, uncontrived, headbanging metal”. Guam will be a refuge for frustrated metalheads, tired of living in a world where even a new Morbid Angel album can bring shame and despair.
Residents of Guam, mostly unaware of the change in leadership, had mixed reaction to the news. Some Guamites saw the news as a hopeful sign. “Hopefully Manowar can rid us of our recent infestation of Coconut Rhinoceros Beetles. If they can do that, I’m all for this” said Arturo Gratame, a farmer in the city of Yona. Others, like resturaunt owner Moru Calvo were deeply upset by the change. “They’ve written about one good song since Triumph of Steel. Now we are going to trust our lives and property to them. I don’t think so!”
Most Congressmen either didn’t know who Manowar was or were annoyed to be asked ridiculous questions while busy not passing any piece of important legislation to alleviate suffering caused by the stagnant American economy. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid seemed particularly hostile to the secession of Manowar. “Like I don’t have enough to deal with already. What the hell are they talking about? Manowar isn’t a country. They are a band. They can’t secede from the United States. And they certainly can’t have Guam. We have military bases there. They can’t just take it over cause they are pissed off that Metallica did that stupid record with Lou Reed or because there are too many mallgoths. It’s unacceptable.”
Adams, who arrived in Guam this morning on a flying golden chariot, dismissed Senator Reid’s comments as “the typical posturing of someone who secretly listens to Maroon 5 albums in his basement while reading Cosmopolitan Magazine and wearing a pink taffeta gown. Reid wouldn’t make it through one song at a Manowar concert before his entrails would be consumed by The Army of Immortals.”
Republican Presidential candidate Rick Perry, who once also threatened to have Texas secede from the Union, compared Manowar’s plight to the South during The Civil War. “I can understand the frustration those boys feel. They are sick and tired of being pushed around by federal government, just like the South felt when they rose up and rebelled against President John F. Kennedy and the North in the Civil War. I hope they are successful. After all, Guam is currently being run by socialists.”
The band is currently meeting on a mountaintop overlooking the village of Santa Rita awaiting instructions from Odin on how to proceed. Joey DeMaio, the band’s bassist and spiritual leader, believes they will successfully conquer Guam in a few days in spite of the fact that they will probably have to subdue the mighty U.S. Navy in order to do it. “I will crack the whip with a bold, mighty hail,” pronounced DeMaio as bolts of lightning shot from his sword. “The earth will probably drink much blood today, but it shall not be ours. We shall ride into glory….because…..WE………..ARE THE METAL KINGS!!!!!!!”
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