Posts Tagged Orange Julius
Last week, while I was at the Hot Topic in the North Dekalb Mall buying my four year old son a “Blessthefall” hoodie, the most improbable thing took place. I started talking about heavy metal music with the guy in front of me and he mentioned that he was Dave Mustaine from the band Megadeth. I was blown away! I’ve been a huge fan of them for years. I couldn’t let an opportunity of a lifetime go away, so I asked Mr. Mustaine if he was willing to do an interview with me. In exchange for a large Orange Julius, he agreed to sit down with me in the Food Court and answer some questions.
Tyranny: Mr. Mustaine, it’s an honor to meet you. Thanks so much for your time.
Mustaine: (slurping at his drink) It’s your dime, pal.
Tyranny: Well, first let’s get through the tough stuff. You were kicked out of Metallica a long time ago. Do you still have any anger towards them?
Mustaine: Don’t try to trip me up, buddy. I am in the band Megadeth. M-E-G-A-D-E-A-T-H! The Julius is going fast. Hurry up.
Tyranny: Okay, uhmm, well you have talked about aliens a lot in your music. Do you really believe the government is hiding their existence from us?
Mustaine: Look bro (looking around suspiciously and lowering his voice). I can tell you for sure they are real. And not just in that Hangar 13 in Arkansas. I see a guy in here all the time. He always pretends he’s going to buy a Build-A-Bear. Everyday he’s in here. You know why, man? He’s studying us. Sizing us up. Looking to make his move. One day, he’s gonna bug out and start eating mall goths and babies and stuff.
Know what? I’m not afraid of him. Know why? I drink half a bottle of hand sanitizer everyday. Stings a bit going down but he can’t see my heat trails because of that. So, when things get crazy, Old Dave will be just fine. Don’t worry about me, bro.
Tyranny: Sounds like you know too much….
Tyranny: So, you’re Christian?
Mustaine: No dude, I told you. I’m Dave. What is this….a test?
Tyranny: Have you recovered fully from your injury yet?
Mustaine: Oh, you mean that thing that happened during the war. Yeah, I’m mostly better. The spine eating lizards put a device in my head that causes me to feel burning sensations whenever someone turns on a microwave, but beyond that, I’m totally cool.
Tyranny: What is the thing that you have written that you are most proud of?
Mustaine: About 30 years ago, when I was Jane Austen, I wrote a book called Persuasion. It’s your basic story of love lost and love found. In many ways, it’s a metaphor for the sadness at the root of the human condition. There is a passage in the book where Captain Wentworth takes a hammer and beats a squirrel to death. When I wrote that, I understood truly what it means to be a woman.
Tyranny: Uhm, okay….
Mustaine: SHHHHHHHH!!!! You see that.
Mustaine: Shhhhh…shut up! Pretend we are not talking. You don’t know me and my name is Marvin.
(A horrifically awkward silence of about two minutes)
Mustaine: Okay…it’s cool.
Tyranny: What just happened?
Mustaine: Did you ever see that movie “They Live”?
(Mustaine stares at me nodding with a knowing smile)
Tyranny: Where do you see your music progressing over the last 10 years?
Mustaine: You know how bands always say their music is either going to get heavier or that they are going to begin to hold strangers down and pour mouthwash in their eyes until the demons in their soul are vanquished to the Land of The Mog or that they are sorry that they randomly kicked and beat that vagrant on the side of the road in Phoenix all those years ago or that time I started cutting pictures of men with mustaches out of fashion magazines and pasting them up on the front door of local daycare centers or that they should know better and that they should beg forgiveness from a gila monster that won’t get off my front porch…..
Tyranny: (waiting for the thought to be completed) Uhmmmmm…….uh-huh.
Mustaine: (snapping back from a brief moment of staring staring blankly into space) Did I turn my iron off at home? It’s important. I don’t want there to be a fire.
Tyranny: I’m not really sure what….
Mustaine: (suddenly filled with rage) Look, I need to let you know that the world is going to end on February 29th, 2017. I need you to understand that. Because we are all fragile beings. Because we are delicate people. Dreamers. Dreaming. Alone. Bewildered. Facing demons of our own creation and of the creation of so many others. Facing eternalness. Everywhere we look. Besieged by creatures that call our names but disappear when we turn around.
Tyranny: But…2017 isn’t a leap year?!?!
Mustaine: Exactly! See what I’m saying. You see!!!
Mustaine: Nah! That’s it. I’m on to you, Gropius. I see you in there! You can’t fool me. My Julius is finished! You’ve nibbled at the toes of eternal truth long enough. Peace!
And with a flash of light, he was gone…..
contra dance, dave mustaine, DaveMustaine, hand sanitizer, interviews, Jane Austen, megadeth, Metal, metal interviews, Mustaine, Orange Julius, the numbing and terrible onset of dementia, toxic megacolon
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