Posts Tagged Harry Reid

Extremely Literal Terrorist Group Kidnaps and Attempts To Mail Anthrax

A national tragedy was avoided earlier today when the FBI arrested members of People For Truth And Freedom Against Tyranny and The Lack of Freedom With Liberty and Justice for All Who Believe In Freedom and the American Way of Life (PTFATLFLJABFAWL) a terrorist group from Islip, Long Island who kidnapped the members of the heavy metal band Anthrax.  Members of the terrorist group were captured at the local Islip post office trying to fit five enormous human-sized  envelopes into a tiny mail slot.

Earlier that day, PTFATLFLJABFAWL had captured members of the group at various locations around New York, drugged them, brought them back to an apartment and attempted to wrap them in bubble tape so they would be uninjured on their journey through the mail.  Guitarist Scott Ian briefly became conscious during the seven-hour ordeal and remembers feeling like he was in some bizarre episode of the TV show Batman.  “They had five of us tied up and were weighing us to see what the postage would be.  They were wearing Slipknot looking masks so I couldn’t recognize them.  Next thing I know they were trying to stuff me in a giant envelope that was addressed to Tom Brokaw at NBC News.  When I tried to tell them he was retired, one of them hit me and I blacked out.”

One of the neighbors of the terrorist group initially tipped off the FBI when they heard high, falsetto screaming coming from the envelope of Joey Belladonna.  “When I noticed humans in envelopes being carried down the hallway, I was a bit suspicious. I was about to go back to watching The Price is Right when I heard that melodic screeching from one of the envelopes. I could tell by the high pitched, more 80’s era sound that it couldn’t have been John Bush.  It was either Neil Turbin or Joey Belladonna in that envelope.  I called the FBI right away.”

Jonathan Winthrop, the group’s leader and a former writer for Tyranny of Tradition, believed his arrest was another example of the liberties of Americans being taken away by the repressive Federal Government.  “Where does it say in the Constitution that mailing members of a thrash band in protest is a crime?  I ask you….where?  I say to you, mailing Frank Bello in the defense of liberty is no vice!!!!”

Beyond the Ian letter to Brokaw, the other letters were meant to go to President Obama, George Clooney, Rush Limbaugh and Tim Tebow.  While the Brokaw letter was just about publicity, the other four were meant to be sent to the leadership of both American political parties in order to alert them that the current status quo would not be tolerated.

All the letters contained notes with similar words:

C11H17N2O2SN A

Who Is Caught In A Mosh Now

We Are The Law

Tnemnrevognikaerfecin

The last part of the note had agents stumped.  After being analyzed by over 300 of the top code breakers in the government for ten hours it was revealed that it was actually “Nice Freakin’ Government” spelled backwards.

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Manowar Secedes From United States Over Obama’s “False Metal Agenda”

Into Guam Ride

In a stunning, utterly asinine move, legendary metal band Manowar, frustrated with the false metal policies of the Obama administration, seceded from the United States this morning. President Obama has recently made several decisions that have angered the Anti-False Metal Community including vetoing a bill that would have mandated life prison sentences for anyone caught with a Staind or Nickleback album and brought back the guillotine for anyone convicted of knowing the name of more than one Stryper song.

Obama, who had promised a poser free America by 2020, also recently scrapped plans to create a Department of True Metal.  According to Manowar frontman Eric Adams, “This False Metal President came to Washington promising change.  If your idea of change is watching the Olsen Twins running around in Master of Puppets shirts or hearing that stupid Pumped Up Kicks song on the radio 42 times a day, then you are not my friend.”

Adams and the current lineup of the band have claimed the island of Guam “in the name of real, serious, true, genuine, honest, authentic, unquestionable, forthright, unfeigned, irrefutable, unambiguous, steadfast, bona fide, resolute, unaffected, substantive, uncontrived, headbanging metal”.  Guam will be a refuge for frustrated metalheads, tired of living in a world where even a new Morbid Angel album can bring shame and despair.

Residents of Guam, mostly unaware of the change in leadership, had mixed reaction to the news.  Some Guamites saw the news as a hopeful sign.  “Hopefully Manowar can rid us of our recent infestation of Coconut Rhinoceros Beetles.  If they can do that, I’m all for this” said Arturo Gratame, a farmer in the city of Yona.   Others, like resturaunt owner Moru Calvo were deeply upset by the change.  “They’ve written about one good song since Triumph of Steel.  Now we are going to trust our lives and property to them.  I don’t think so!”

Most Congressmen either didn’t know who Manowar was or were annoyed to be asked ridiculous questions while busy not passing any piece of important legislation to alleviate suffering caused by the stagnant American economy. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid seemed particularly hostile to the secession of Manowar.  “Like I don’t have enough to deal with already.  What the hell are they talking about?  Manowar isn’t a country.  They are a band.  They can’t secede from the United States.  And they certainly can’t have Guam.  We have military bases there.   They can’t just take it over cause they are pissed off that Metallica did that stupid record with Lou Reed or because there are too many mallgoths.  It’s unacceptable.”

Adams, who arrived in Guam this morning on a flying golden chariot, dismissed Senator Reid’s comments as “the typical posturing of someone who secretly listens to Maroon 5 albums in his basement while reading Cosmopolitan Magazine and wearing a pink taffeta gown.  Reid wouldn’t make it through one song at a Manowar concert before his entrails would be consumed by The Army of Immortals.”

Republican Presidential candidate Rick Perry, who once also threatened to have Texas secede from the Union, compared Manowar’s plight to the South during The Civil War.  “I can understand the frustration those boys feel.  They are sick and tired of being pushed around by federal government, just like the South felt when they rose up and rebelled against President John F. Kennedy and the North in the Civil War.  I hope they are successful.  After all, Guam is currently being run by socialists.”

The band is currently meeting on a mountaintop overlooking the village of Santa Rita awaiting instructions from Odin on how to proceed.  Joey DeMaio, the band’s bassist and spiritual leader, believes they will successfully conquer Guam in a few days in spite of the fact that they will probably have to subdue the mighty U.S. Navy in order to do it.  “I will crack the whip with a bold, mighty hail,” pronounced DeMaio as bolts of lightning shot from his sword.  “The earth will probably drink much blood today, but it shall not be ours.  We shall ride into glory….because…..WE………..ARE THE METAL KINGS!!!!!!!”

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King Diamond Solves Debt Crisis, Considers Presidential Run

The King Speaking To Reporters After Yesterday’s Debt Agreement

As the President signed the agreement ending the American debt ceiling crisis into law it became clear that there is a new hero in Washington D.C. and his name is King Diamond.  The King, using his incredible powers of persuasion and high-pitched falsetto voice, forced the Democrats and Republicans into negotiating an end to a battle that might well have crippled the American economy for years to come.

He became involved on Friday July 22nd when President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner broke off discussions.  “If it weren’t for King Diamond, we probably would have gone into the worst economic crisis in our history,” said Senate Majority leader Harry Reid in an interview with CNN’s John King yesterday evening.

The King crafted an agreement that was amenable to both sides.  Instead of raising taxes on the wealthy or cutting Medicare, King Diamond offered a 3 percent tax increase on all heavy metal albums bought in the United States.  As most readers know, heavy metal album sales account for nearly 12 percent of Gross Domestic Product and record labels that sell heavy metal albums are the second largest employer in America today.

The King’s plan also calls for a 20 percent tax on all Exodus albums that don’t feature Steve Souza as vocalist.  “That Rob Dukes fellow is extremely talented, but does anyone really believe Exodus is better without Souza.  I say, tax them until they bring him back,” stated the King in a press release.

These two revenue streams should account for nearly four trillion dollars in new money coming in over the next ten years.  In the President’s Address announcing the agreement, Obama made a point to single out King Diamond for his important contribution.  “King Diamond’s willingness to be both firm and flexible was the key to the deal,” said Obama, “he’s a great vocalist and a warm and wonderful man.”

All this recent publicity has led some to wonder whether King Diamond might consider a bid for the Presidency in 2012.  Diamond has refused to answer most questions about his willingness to run, but yesterday he told a reporter from the New York Times that he was seriously considering it.  Webpages have sprouted up all over the Internet trying to convince the King to step in and save America from chaos and despair. The King has told his followers that he plans to make a formal announcement of his plans next week at the Million Metalhead March in Washington D.C.

Political commentators have mixed feelings about what the King’s candidacy could do to a race.  While his appeal with the American public is undeniable, few people really know much about him besides the fact that he is an amazing singer and can command the forces of evil at a moment’s notice.  Nobody even knows what political party he’s in (although he recently attended a thousand dollar a plate fundraiser for The Sugar-Coated Satan Sandwich Party).

Many pundits have pointed out that songs like “Night of The Unborn”, a song about zombie fetuses that attack a Planned Parenthood center, prove that he is Pro-Life and, therefore, would probably run as a Republican.  A recent CNN/Gallup Poll claimed that if the King ran as a Republican he would defeat President Obama 46 to 43 percent.  He polled particularly strongly in crucial battleground states like Ohio and Florida.

According to political columnist and talk radio host Jonathan Winthrop, “King Diamond’s entry into the 2012 Presidential race would change the whole thing.  He could unite a coalition of crazed metalheads and, using the power of metal and his connection with the Prince of Darkness, I believe he could defeat Obama easily.”

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