Posts Tagged Anthrax

Texas Representative Louie Gohmert Claims Moshing Violates God’s Law

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Louie Gohmert has taken on a lot of brutal adversaries in his time on Capitol Hill.  His bravery in the face of so-called “terror babies” and “radical Islamists who are trained to act Hispanic” have made him a pillar of the American Right.  Now, he’s turning his energies to fight against a problem that he believes is “the greatest threat to the health and safety of America’s youth”.   That problem, according to Gohmert, is the mosh pit.

In a press conference on Monday, Gohmert spoke in depth about “the recent phenomena referred to as ‘pitting’ by young people”.  Gohmert claimed that thousands of young people are injured or killed everyday in this “circle of ungodliness”.

He went on to discuss stories he had heard of mosh pits breaking out not just at heavy metal concerts, but also in daycare centers and hospital emergency rooms. He told the story of an unnamed 87-year-old woman who was crushed to death when a mosh pit broke at a Perkins restaurant on Seniors Pay What They Weigh Night last month in White Bear Lake, Minnesota.  “What happens to the innocent when they are caught in a mosh?  Who speaks for them!”  Gohmert thundered to reporters.

caught in a mosh

In a Fox News interview yesterday, Gohmert took his anti-moshing rhetoric a step further.  “If you know your Bible, you would know that the Book of Numbers 16:30 clearly states ‘they that go down quickly into the pit; shall understand that they have provoked the Lord.’  Men and women who enter mosh pits are sinful and are, in fact, provoking God’s wrath.  Pitting violates God’s law.”

Gohmert concluded the interview by claiming that, while most people think that heavy metal fans created the mosh pit, it is actually based on Sufi dervish dancing.  “People may not realize this, but wild, dangerous Sufi dancing is part of the Muslim tradition.  The same tradition that has declared war on the West and its Christian values.  While metal fans think they are simply pitting to noisy, violent music, they are, in fact, praising a God worshipped by people who want to destroy us.”

While Gohmert believes that passing anti-pit laws is not the solution to this national crisis, he does see a viable alternative.  “If you want to stop pits from breaking out, the quickest, most effective solution is the widespread distribution of M4 assault rifles to all red-blooded, patriotic Americans.  If every good, God-loving man, woman and child carried one at all times, we would be safe from these heavy metal hooligans.”

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Gorguts to Guest Star On Thursday Night’s Episode of The Honeymooners

They are Canada’s favorite technical death metal band and now they are set to appear on CBS’ hit television show The Honeymooners.  Gorguts, those wild and crazy Quebecean death metallers who burst on the scene in 1993 with their Top 40 hit “Orphans of Sickness”, will become the first band ever to appear on the show.  Honeymooners star Jackie Gleason is a huge fan of the band who claims to have listened to the album Obscura over 400 times in a row when it was released.  Gleason, who became a fan when Considered Dead was released in 1991, said in a recent interview that no band he knows of “has been able to link the primal, bestial rage in the human soul with such profound, technical craftsmanship.”

The episode titled “Hey, Hey Luc Lemay, How Many Kids Did You Kill Today?” was filmed on Monday afternoon in front of a live studio audience.  The story is thought to be one of the more experimental Honeymooners episodes, although by no means as surreal as the episode where Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton are trapped in the stomach of a moose.

It begins with a knock on the door from a shady, elderly man played by Sir John Gielgud, the elderly British actor known for his stirring performance as the butler in the movie Arthur. Gielgud introduces himself as “Luther” and hands Alice Kramden a box.  He tells her she has three wishes once she opens the box, but should be careful what she wishes for.

After the man leaves, Alice and Ralph tear the box open only to find the paw of a monkey with a bow around it.  Ralph holds up the paw and wishes for enough money to never have to work again.  Suddenly, a box appears on their coffee table.  Ralph opens it and is stunned by piles of hundred dollar bills.  However, he is appalled to realize that in the box is also the severed head of his neighbor Ed Norton (played by the loveable Art Carney).

In spite of the beheading of Ed, they decide they are glad to have gotten the money and decide to make another wish.  This time Alice holds the paw up and wishes that she could get the chance to see Gorguts live for the first time.  Immediately, there is a knock on the door and the band appears.  They run around the house smashing the furniture and throwing food at each other.  Singer Luc Lemay knocks Ralph to the ground and tries to force him to swallow mustard until he chokes.  Meanwhile, guitarist Kevin Hufnagel destroys Ralph’s favorite bowling trophy by attempting to play a solo from “Rottenatomy” using the trophy as a guitar pick.  Finally, Alice has had enough.  She holds up the paw and screams, “I wish Gorguts would go away!!!!!”

With that, the band disappears and the archangel Gabriel appears on top of the dining room table blowing his horn.  Ralph, covered in mustard, launches into a recital of a Willie Loman monologue from Arthur Miller’s “Death of a Salesman” while Alice begins to grow a teeth out of the side of her face.  The episode ends with Ed’s head rolling onto the floor and the entire cast, including the head, launching into an impromptu version of the song “Officer Krupke” from the musical West Side Story.

Gorguts appearance on The Honeymooners is not the first appearance of a metal band on a major television show.  Who could forget the time Anthrax rocked out on Married With Children?  Or the time Immolation played “Into Everlasting Fire” with Ricky Ricardo’s band on I Love Lucy?  Gorguts’ appearance on The Honeymooners is certain to rank as one of the most entertaining and important moments in television history.

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Extremely Literal Terrorist Group Kidnaps and Attempts To Mail Anthrax

A national tragedy was avoided earlier today when the FBI arrested members of People For Truth And Freedom Against Tyranny and The Lack of Freedom With Liberty and Justice for All Who Believe In Freedom and the American Way of Life (PTFATLFLJABFAWL) a terrorist group from Islip, Long Island who kidnapped the members of the heavy metal band Anthrax.  Members of the terrorist group were captured at the local Islip post office trying to fit five enormous human-sized  envelopes into a tiny mail slot.

Earlier that day, PTFATLFLJABFAWL had captured members of the group at various locations around New York, drugged them, brought them back to an apartment and attempted to wrap them in bubble tape so they would be uninjured on their journey through the mail.  Guitarist Scott Ian briefly became conscious during the seven-hour ordeal and remembers feeling like he was in some bizarre episode of the TV show Batman.  “They had five of us tied up and were weighing us to see what the postage would be.  They were wearing Slipknot looking masks so I couldn’t recognize them.  Next thing I know they were trying to stuff me in a giant envelope that was addressed to Tom Brokaw at NBC News.  When I tried to tell them he was retired, one of them hit me and I blacked out.”

One of the neighbors of the terrorist group initially tipped off the FBI when they heard high, falsetto screaming coming from the envelope of Joey Belladonna.  “When I noticed humans in envelopes being carried down the hallway, I was a bit suspicious. I was about to go back to watching The Price is Right when I heard that melodic screeching from one of the envelopes. I could tell by the high pitched, more 80’s era sound that it couldn’t have been John Bush.  It was either Neil Turbin or Joey Belladonna in that envelope.  I called the FBI right away.”

Jonathan Winthrop, the group’s leader and a former writer for Tyranny of Tradition, believed his arrest was another example of the liberties of Americans being taken away by the repressive Federal Government.  “Where does it say in the Constitution that mailing members of a thrash band in protest is a crime?  I ask you….where?  I say to you, mailing Frank Bello in the defense of liberty is no vice!!!!”

Beyond the Ian letter to Brokaw, the other letters were meant to go to President Obama, George Clooney, Rush Limbaugh and Tim Tebow.  While the Brokaw letter was just about publicity, the other four were meant to be sent to the leadership of both American political parties in order to alert them that the current status quo would not be tolerated.

All the letters contained notes with similar words:

C11H17N2O2SN A

Who Is Caught In A Mosh Now

We Are The Law

Tnemnrevognikaerfecin

The last part of the note had agents stumped.  After being analyzed by over 300 of the top code breakers in the government for ten hours it was revealed that it was actually “Nice Freakin’ Government” spelled backwards.

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