Posts Tagged ayn rand

Danzig Escapes From The Atlanta Zoo

Never Gets Old

This Never Gets Old

If you are anywhere near a television, a radio, the internet, your phone, your Blackberry, or a noisy colleague who spent most of the night in a cough medicine induced stupor watching news broadcasts on one of 68,032 news channels, you have probably heard about Danzig’s harrowing escape last night from the Atlanta Zoo.  Here’s a quick timeline of how the events transpired…

5:10 PM-Radio station 640 WGST reported that Danzig gnawed through the bars of his cage and ran through a crowd of terrified onlookers on his way to the Dippin’ Dots stand.   He knocked the stand over and began to howl in a bluesy voice about how ice cream used to mean something.

5:20 PM-CBS News reported Danzig was surrounded by police. Desperate and frightened, Danzig took a three-foot marmoset hostage at gunpoint.

5:47 PM-ABC News reported that Danzig threw the marmoset at police officers.  The marmoset exploded into  giant ball of light temporarily blinding the officers and allowing Danzig to escape the park. 

6:08 PM-Several witnesses claimed Danzig ripped his shirt off and stole a broken down 1995 charcoal grey Ford Focus with a “Who Is John Galt?” sticker on the bumper.

6:09 PM-CNN reported that the Ford broke down and Danzig was left to escape on foot.

6:16 PM-Witnesses spotted Danzig in a BP station stealing boxes of beef jerky while bellowing the lyrics to “Sistinas”.

6:25 PM-Danzig stated unequivocally that there will be no Misfits reunion.

7:26 PM-Fox News reported that MARTA cameras identified a well-built, naked man fitting Danzig’s description running through the Vine City station.  Fox anchor Brit Hume went on to conclude from the footage that it is clear that Danzig is a Muslim terrorist.

7:34 PM-Fox retracted the earlier MARTA story and confirmed that the naked man was former Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue.  However, they continued to claim Danzig is affiliated with Al Queda.

7:46 PM-CNN reported a SWAT team has surrounded a Waffle House in Downtown Decatur and that Danzig was eating a plate of hash browns and talking to the waiter about the occult roots of Nazism. 

7:58 PM-A SWAT team stormed the Waffle House and arrested the suspect.

8:09 PM-CNN reported that the man in police custody is actually Arnold Horseschaker, a Danzig impersonator who had, hours earlier, played a 5-year-old’s birthday party in Alpharetta. 

10:38 PM-AP reported that Danzig was spotted on a Vincent Blackshadow motorcycle riding up I-85 at speeds of up to 120 miles per hour, his hair gently cascading in the wind. 

10:43 PM- According to AP, Danzig’s flaming motorcycle leapt over 25 police cars while flipping multiple times through the air.  He escaped again, unharmed.

10:56 PM-AP changed its earlier story and claimed only that Danzig was photographed on a motorcycle in 1985.

11:07 PM-Danzig’s apartment on Stewart Avenue in Hapeville was raided.  Several highlighted copies of Catcher in The Rye were found along with 45 fishnet shirts.

11:13 PM-According to Fox News, a man fitting Danzig’s description was arrested in Osaka, Japan.  The man was carrying a copy of the Koran, 5,000 pounds of plastic explosives and Bill Ayers autobiography.  Fox announced it is a “100 percent certainty” that the man arrested is Danzig.

11:17 PM-Fox News announced the capture of Danzig in a bar in Tupelo, Mississippi.  He was carrying a small nuclear bomb in a suitcase, reading out loud from a copy of Das Kapital and wearing an Obama for President tee shirt.

11:19 PM-The Drudge Report announced that Danzig is actually a Kenyan national named Hussein Abdul-Jihad.

11:38 PM-Various media outlets reported that Danzig and an unnamed accomplice, Glenn Doe Number Two as he’s referred to, were seen breaking into an exotic pet store in Marietta in order to liberate all the pythons, ferrets and tropical fish.  The two quickly left the store with several animals and were chased by police.

11:54 PM-WSB-TV in Atlanta reported that police have shot a suspect fitting Danzig’s description only feet away from the Chattahoochee River.  The man, who authorities are referring to as “the guy who probably isn’t Danzig but looks slightly like him”, was attempting to throw a bag of tropical fish into the water.

12:01 AM-CNN reports the man shot by the Chattahoochee River was actually Ron Ziegler, former Press Secretary to President Richard Nixon. 

12:05-4:30 AM-Most media outlets, realizing the audience was quickly losing focus, began to speculate on the nuclear capabilities of North Korea and the possibility of the Ebola virus being spread through Wendy’s hamburgers.

4:33AM-CNN reported Danzig was captured only feet away from his cage at the Atlanta Zoo.  He had been hiding behind a tree.

 

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Theme From An Imaginary Grindcore Album: The Birth of UnMusic

Today is a landmark day in the history of music.  On Saturday February 5th at 10:37 AM a new genre of music has been born.  Welcome to the world of UnMusic.  Many times I have read the song titles on albums and thought to myself “This album has great song titles, it’s too bad the songs are horrendous.”

If you have had that thought from time to time, then UnMusic is for you.  UnMusic removes the irritating and grating music that is on albums and merely gives you song titles. I give you the song title, what your imagination does with them is up to you. Think of the possibilities?  Music without the limitations of actually having a song! I’m not even going to give the album a cover with artwork.  I feel like that would be selling out.  You, the listener, have complete artistic freedom to imagine what we would have sounded like had we actually recorded the songs.

For the purposes of marketability, the music will (not) be recorded by my band E.T.A.F. (Eats Things that Aren’t Food), who are known for their top 40 single “Jodie Meeks”.  This genre is deeply influenced by grindcore (particularly by the band A.C.). Grindcore is a style of metal that often features hysterical song titles and horrifically unlistenable songs.  Why bother with the songs?!?!?!

I was thinking about grindcore when these songs were (not) written, and actually believe this album better fits into a subgenre known as UnCore. That being said, I don’t want to limit your imagination, so if the songs sound in your mind like Michael Bolton or Earth Wind and Fire when you think of them, go with it.

Band:  E.T.A.F.

Album Name:  Unfriended By Life

Songs:

1.  Obligatory 2 Minute Acoustic Guitar Instrumental Intro

2.  Tipper Gore Told You To Throw Out All of Your Judas Priest Albums…But You Didn’t Listen

3.  I Got Scolded Because I Made Fun of the Drummer From Winger

4.  You Hung Out With The Band Skindred in A Parking Lot

5.  If Lincoln Were Alive Today, He’d Be Angry They Buried Him

6.  Stop Staring At Me…I’m Not Going to Talk to You

7.  You Have Children

8.  Mubarak Has the Best Interests of His People In Mind

9.  “So…Wait….Now You Are Saying That You Are Not A Doctor?!?!”

10.  I Follow People Around Malls

11.  You Like Tomatoes, But You Don’t Like Ketchup

12.  You Met Your Wife At A Viking Metal Concert

14.  Ketchup Is A Vegetable

15.  You Lost Your Children’s College Fund Because Jerome Bettis Fumbled

16.   You Missed a Meeting With Your Parole Officer To Go To An ICP Concert

17.  You Sent Your Son To School With Head Lice

18.  Choose Life…The Lesser of Two Evils

19.  You Learned to Speak Latin In Order To Sound Arrogant

19. You Gave Blood

19.  There Are 3 Track 19s on This Album

20.  You Were Unfriended By Soccer

21.  You Voted In Florida And It Didn’t Count

22.  Two Tens For a Five (A Tribute To Goldman Sachs)

23.  You Have Restless Leg Syndrome

24.  No One Follows You On Twitter

25.  You Are Allergic To Dog Dander and Milk

26.  You Live In Buffalo

27.  You Were Unfriended By Bacon

28.  My 98 Year Old Grandmother Just Compared Municipal Waste to D.R.I.

29.  You Live In Buffalo

30.  “No Officer, A Sound Did Not Come From My Trunk”

31.  You Gave Your Son Cortisone Shot So He Could Play In A Little League Game

32.  You Have A Bank Account

33.  People Don’t Take You Seriously Because You Have A Mustache

34.  You Pay Taxes Because You Think Its Patriotic

35.  If It Wasn’t For All The Crime, Miserable People and Decaying Buildings, Gary, Indiana Would Be a Great City

36.  Sucks to Be You…You Play Soccer

37.  Soccer is The World’s Most Popular Sport

38.  You Own A Copy of The Movie “Space Jam” and You Don’t Have Any Kids

38.  HA!  HA!  HA!!!  You Voted For Obama…and He Lost!!!

39.  You Went On Strike Until Your Company Agreed To Show Jerry Springer In The Break Room

40.  You Live In Buffalo

41.  You Are An Organ Donor

42.  You Know How To Properly Use A Semi-Colon

43.  You Quote Ayn Rand

44.  You Hope That Iron Maiden Plays All The Songs From The X Factor At Their Next Concert

45.  Your Kids Don’t Talk To You Because You Have A Mohawk

46.  You Think That People Are Smiling In Commercials Because They Are Happy

47.  Nobody Goes To Your MySpace Page Because Your Band Does Lionel Richie Covers

48.  Spellcheck is Wrong…Grindcore is One Word

49.  No One Knows What Barney Greenway is Talking About

50.  I Listened To The First Carcass Album and Became a Vegetarian

51.  You Are So Metal That You Were Into Ozzy Before He Joined Black Sabbath

52.  Raggacore Is The Next Big Thing

Hidden Tracks:

52.  You Think It’s Ironic To Have Song Titles Without Actual Songs

53.  It’s Funny Until You Start Talking

54.  Some Random Cover of A Band I’ve Never Heard Of Like Budgie

55.  A.C. Can’t Sue Me For Stealing Their Idea Because They Can’t Afford A Lawyer

56.  Even Spammers Ignore You

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