Posts Tagged Department of Homeland Security
Heavy metal rocker Ozzy Osbourne reportedly checked into The Barbara Ford Center For Confectionary Addiction on Sunday morning after a weeklong Marzipan bender that nearly cost him his teeth and pancreas. He was found face-down in a bowl of lobster bisque at a diner in Manassas, Virginia late Saturday night. Doctors tested his Blood Glucose Level and found it to be 4 million milligrams per deciliter (over 3.9 million milligrams higher than it should have been), a clear sign of a Marzipan overdose.
Osbourne, who has recently cancelled a Black Sabbath show due to what some are calling a “Marzipan Hangover”, has struggled with addiction throughout a good portion of his career. Recently however, Ozzy has become incoherent when speaking, has fallen off the stage during concerts and burned 1/3 of Arizona to the ground while making a grilled cheese sandwich.
Addiction to Marzipan (or Marzy, as it is often called on the streets) is a particularly difficult habit to quit. People often begin eating the sticky, sweet substance at parties. Quickly, they will move onto smoking or snorting Marzipan to get a quicker, stronger high. From there, many addicts will boil the substance into a paste and inject it directly into their bloodstream.
At the height of Jimmy “Bloodwrench” Martin’s Marzipan addiction, he was shooting the substance directly into his eyeballs eight or nine times a day. Martin, the bass player for math rock legends Morbid Angle, was hooked on “Marzy” for 3 years before he realized he needed help.
“My teeth had begun to rot, I had sores all over my body, I developed Type 1 through 16 Diabetes…just to get that rush. I’d wake up at 3 AM in a cold sweat trying to get my Marzipan dealer on the phone. I sold my toaster, my television, even my bass at one point. I was desperate. Anything to get that fix.”
Martin has finally gotten clean. Today, he works at The Hershey Center in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania helping rehabilitate other Marzipan addicts.
“Things are rougher out there then they were when I was using. It’s not just Marzipan anymore. We’ve had 13-year-old kids come into the center after getting caught freebasing nougat. The Court sent one guy here because he tried to shoot an entire flan into his arm. It’s a crisis out there and nobody seems to be paying attention.”
While Ozzy is the first high profile, celebrity, heavy metal rock and roll rocker to seek help for his addiction other heavy metallers have run into problems with Marzipan. Irish authorities detained Testament singer Chuck Billy last year when he attempted to smuggle an entire Battenberg Cake (a dessert that uses so-called “Marzipan Frosting”) out of the country in his suitcase. Marzipan is not technically illegal in Ireland, so Billy was released, but he was placed on a Department of Homeland Security Watchlist due to the incident.
Hipsters. Let’s face it. They are everywhere. They bring us our mail. They fix our cars. They babysit our kids. They diagnose our viruses. They run some of our Fortune 500 companies. Some have even labeled Barack Obama “The First Hipster President” (or “Hipster-In-Chief).
These latte chugging, MacBook owning quislings have infiltrated the cracks of modern American life and, like Canadians, are often able to hide in plain sight, undetected by those who wish to keep us safe. In spite of the fact that The Department of Homeland Security has invested over 100 billion dollars in advanced hipster detection systems, to date, not one actual hipster has been detained or even tortured.
The problem of hipster detection is a tricky one. Much of our society has taken on the trappings of hipster culture, so it is now nearly impossible to locate a hipster in a place where they should obviously stand out, like a Travis Tritt concert or a meeting of your local NRA chapter.
The really difficult part is that hipster culture is based on a bizarre phenomenon known as “hipster denial”. A critical component of being a hipster is pretending to be unaware that you are a hipster. In some cases, hipsters can be contaminated with the hipster virus and not even know they are transmitting their hipsterness to those around them. The minute a hipster admits to their hipsterness, the hipster spell is broken and the beast becomes human again. But….how do you fight an enemy that is invisible even to himself???
Luckily, researchers at The Tyranny of Tradition Institute in Zalaegerszeg, Hungary have spent years perfecting a formula that can, once and for all, identify the difference between a hipster and a good American. By simply completing this standard interest inventory, in five minutes you can know if YOU are a hipster. The rules are simple. Add up the point values of each of the following things that apply to you. If your score is over 100, turn yourself in for processing immediately…you are a hipster. If you score below 100, it is safe to continue engaging in normal human practices like the consumption of food or the procreation of the species.
Own a pair of “Buddy Holly” glasses? 30 points
Own a pair of skinny jeans? 30 points
Wear a Hawaiian shirt more than once a month? 40 points
Wear headbands when you are not playing basketball or running? 40 points
Have an Instagram account? 20 points
Have a tumblr? 20 points
Use Spotify? 5 points
Wear tee shirts of products you do not use (i.e. Spam)? 20 points
Spend more than 20 dollars on a haircut in an attempt to make your haircut look like it cost less than 20 dollars? 30 points
Wonder if certain things are “hipster or not hipster”? 20 points
Wear tee shirts featuring long lost forgotten cultural icons (i.e. The Smurfs, The Fonz, Balki from Perfect Strangers)? 50 points
Own at least one album by Band of Horses, TV on The Radio or My Morning Jacket? 30 points
Try to figure out what dubstep versions of 80’s TV theme songs would sound like? 35 points
Have a favorite superhero? 20 points
Talk about dinosaurs ironically? 20 points
Hate Hipsters? 100 points (all true hipsters hate hipsters, it’s the only surefire proof of hipsterism)
Wear suspenders with a tee shirt? 20 points
Compare people to Banksy or Chuch Palahniuk? 15 points
Spend more than 15 minutes a day discussing hipsters? 20 points
Spend time making up mathematical formulas about hipsters? 20 points
Have conversations about what it would be like if one cultural icon lived in the environment of another (i.e. “Wouldn’t it be weird if the Transformers were in Citizen Kane”?) 10 points
Refer to your band as being “post-“? 15 points
Think about naming one of your children after a Moby song? 10 points
Secretly admire Bono? 20 points
Catch yourself thinking “I wish I worked in a bike shop”? 10 points
Wear one of those stupid hipster hats? 20 points
What if you suspect someone is a hipster and can’t get them to fill out the survey?
Unfortunately, due to some questionable misinterpretations of the Constitution, you cannot legally hold someone in your basement, tie them up and force him or her to answer questions because you believe they are a hipster. You might have to determine their hipsterness in a span of seconds (this is often referred to by law enforcement officers as a “Hipster Terry Stop”). If you are only given a short window of time to identify one, you can use this simple joke in order to catch them. If they laugh, they are guilty of being a hipster. If they do not, you are safe and can take your hands off of the accused hipster’s throat.
You: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Potential Hipster: I dunno
This method is only about 89 percent effective, but if you are in a pinch and lives are on the line, it might just be the difference between your whole neighborhood starting to look like a Hello Kitty Store and you being able to incapacitate the hipster, shove him or her in the trunk of your car and dump them in a nearby lake. These are the times that try men’s souls. I know you will choose wisely.