Metallica Names 2,000 Pound Walrus as New Bass Player

Ending weeks of speculation, Metallica has chosen Nessie, a 2,000 pound performing walrus, to be their new bass player.  The search began back in 2011 when bassist extraordinaire Robert Trujillo was eaten by a pack of feral orangutans at the Jones Beach Toll Plaza in Long Island, New York.  The band had auditioned over 62,023,017 potential bass players before finally settling yesterday on Nessie.  Before being selected by Metallica, Nessie has had a storied career that included a stint as halfback for the New York Jets and three years as a backup singer for the Isley Brothers.

Nessie is relatively new to the metal scene, but has already made a big impression.   During a freezing cold outdoor concert in Oslo, Norway, Nessie laid on top of Megadeth singer Dave Mustaine for the entire song Tornado of Souls in order to save him from frostbite.  However, not all of Nessie’s experiences with the metal scene have been positive.  Controversy followed Nessie after he knocked Kerry King unconscious after a Slayer show in March.  King had apparently tried to eat one of Nessie’s fins, driving him into a wild, murderous rage.

Nessie will begin his tenure in Metallica next month when the band gets to work on recording its next album, the nautically themed “A Porpoise Driven Life”.  The new record will feature several exciting new tracks including “Of Wolf and Manatee”, “Trapped Under Ice Fishermen”, “The Cod That Failed”, and “Saint Angler”.  They are also planning another in the long series of Unforgiven songs, this one called “The Unforgiven Mambo Number 5”.

Industry experts expect the album to come out sometime in late 2015 in order to coincide with Red Lobster’s yearly Endless Crab Legs promotion.  Red Lobster became the official sponsor of Metallica earlier this month.

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  1. #1 by Universe Number Five on October 3, 2012 - 7:45 AM

    So Robert Trujillo was eaten by Madball? I’m not surprised completely, those dudes are hardcore. But, you’re never gonna survive unless you are a little crazy.

    “Kelping Death” and “Mullet Militia” are going to be exciting tunes.

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on October 6, 2012 - 11:43 AM

      I like that you worked a Seal quote into an article about walruses!

      • #3 by Universe Number Five on October 6, 2012 - 12:05 PM

        ’twas too easy!

  2. #4 by Dave on October 3, 2012 - 8:28 AM

    Damn, what happened to the Ethiopian guy?

    “Enter Sandflea”
    “Fade to Blackfish”
    “The Four Seahorsemen”

  3. #6 by John Erickson on October 3, 2012 - 9:47 AM

    Wow – a bassist that is a ton of fun, and brings his own picks with him. (Hey, a tusk makes a MEAN pick.)
    But, really, wouldn’t a walrus be happier playing with Phish? 😉

  4. #8 by valleyofsteel on October 4, 2012 - 4:48 AM

    As brief as this article is (relatively speaking), it’s incredible how many times I found myself laughing out loud, throughout the whole thing.

    I really hope we finally get a studio recording of the perennial fan favorite “Don’t Tread Water on Me”

  5. #10 by Justin Shelton on October 4, 2012 - 4:26 PM

    How do you come up with this stuff? lol Justin

    • #11 by Keith Spillett on October 6, 2012 - 11:41 AM

      I ingest a good amount of helium first thing every morning. It helps.

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