A Criminological Review of Lion Splicer’s “Holiday in Dystopia”

I’m sitting on the side of the road on a stormy October morning.  The clock reads 3:52.  My car is bathed in a flood of ominous blue police lights from the car behind me.  My speakers are pinned on 50 blaring “Holiday in Dystopia”, the new record from Lion Splicer.  Suddenly, a loud knock on the window….

Officer:  License and registration.

Me:  I was listen to the new Lion Splicer record, Officer.  It’s quite good.  They shown some genuine progress from their earlier stuff and I already thought that was pretty excellent.  They’re really thrashy with a punk rock edge.  They remind me a lot of the stuff that used to be on K Records years back like Karp and Fitz of Depression…..

Officer:  License….and registration.

Me:  I don’t know what you think of the whole crossover scene, but I really dig it.  Lion Splicer has moments where they remind me of D.R.I. or, if you are a bit younger, Municipal Waste.  It’s never been my favorite scene, but when it’s done well, it’s a lot of fun to listen to.  Great party music.  The song they have on this record called “The Whip” really gets into the spirit of….

Officer:  Listen Son.   I just need your license and registration.

Me:  I understand that.  One of the things that really grabs me about “Holiday in Dystopia” is the band’s willingness to mix in genres you wouldn’t expect.  I know a lot of bands today do that, but they really have a knack for how to make it work.  The solo on the first song “Jezebel” sounds like something off of a Dick Dale and The Deltones record.  Pure surf.  I was blown away when I…..

Officer:  Okay Son, I’ve had about enough of this talk about this Lion Slicer band….

Me:  Lion Splicer.  I’ve been assured by the band that they mean no harm towards animals.  Particularly lions.  They love lions and mean to use their music to….

Officer:  Whatever.  Listen, I’m not interested in whatever this is you are trying to talk to me about.  You were doing 79 in a 35.  That’s the issue, Son.

Me:  No, no, I understand.  I just think that if you went to the bands Bandcamp site and check them out, you wouldn’t be so concerned about minor details.

Officer:  Minor det….Son, you were going 43 miles over the speed limit…

Me:  44 actually….

Officer:  YES!  EXACTLY.  So let’s stop with all the talk about this Tiger Beat band….

Me:  Lion Splicer.

Officer:  Stop interrupting me!

Me:  Sorry, I just think that the bands ability to blend bizarre, dissonant noise with catchy rhythms is unique and borders on sheer brilliance.  If that’s a crime, ARREST ME!  Put the cuffs on me and take me away!

Officer:  Gladly.

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  1. #1 by Universe Number Five on October 4, 2012 - 4:14 PM

    Nicely done. On my way up to bail you out as we speak. Hang tight, man.

  2. #3 by John Erickson on October 5, 2012 - 7:42 PM

    Jeez, you give an officer all that crap, and you just get ARRESTED? I simply fumbled my wallet one time, revealing my Illinois Firearms Owner ID card,, and the cop shoved his Beretta so far into my left ear, I could read the serial number from the BACK of my eyeballs! (True story, actually. 😀 )

    • #4 by Keith Spillett on October 6, 2012 - 11:40 AM

      Jesus, ya’ll know how to party up there!

      • #5 by John Erickson on October 6, 2012 - 9:16 PM

        And that wasn’t even the day I spent in the back seat of a squad car, getting driven around to get cash so I could make bail, ’cause the lockup in the police station was being rehabbed and wasn’t usable!

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