Posts Tagged Arch Enemy
Swedish Government Bans Windmilling
Posted by zenaphobe67 in General Weirdness on May 19, 2014
King Carl Gustaf XVI has become the next in a long list of world leaders to throw his weight behind the war to end all wars, The War On Metal. Using a medical controversy to justify his actions, King Gustaf has issued an edict that bans windmilling in public and private places until further notice. The ban effects all of Sweden, and states that anyone found windmilling will be fined 10,000 krona and will be exiled to picking up litter around the fjords wearing a rotary sensitive shock collar.
Sweden, which many may know, is famous for its Swedish fish candies and it’s ratio of 87 Viking metal bands to one synthpop band, is the windmilling capital of the world and this ban is seen as a royal overreach aimed at subduing the metal subculture into irrelevance. Many Swedes feel that this move was inspired by the recent outbreak of fighting in the hills of Afghanistan, where drone attacks are indiscriminately targeting mosh pits and corpse paint store fronts. The metal community in Sweden has been reeling from several previous attempts to link them to harmful behaviors, the last being a fabricated whistle blower hit piece in which many bands were accused of testing music on lab animals.
Several news agencies received anonymous VHS tapes with footage that can only be described as criminal and twisted, that shows scenes from inside an alleged “Sound Chamber of Satan” where hundreds of Eurasian Pygmy Shrews are strapped into very small cots and subjected to hours of death metal at a time. At one point in the video, the shrews have been moved into what looks like a coliseum and are hacking away at each other with swords and axes. Later shown to be a fraud , the tapes irreparably damaged the reputation of metal in Sweden and began to move public attitudes in a negative direction.
Capitalizing on this momentum, the Ministry of Health investigated a study done by Arch Enemy titled, “Windmill Your Way To A Healthy Thyroid” and alleged that the positive results could not be duplicated during double blind testing and they then turned their attention to similar reports released by the bands Dismember, Bloodbath, and At The Gates. The health benefits of windmilling hearken back to the early Vikings, and it is used in many holositc metal health treatments. Windmilling is said to cure seasonal allergies, planters warts, and even hypothyroidism, but is dismissed as pseudo science by the medical community.
In a full on media blitz, the Ministry of Health released a document dump of 2200 “studies” which linked windmilling to ailments ranging from male pattern baldness to spinal kyphosis. Public service messages were aired featuring so called “Ex-millers” giving their testimonies of how windmilling had destroyed their health and MP3 collections.
Arch Enemy vocalist, Alisa White-Gluz, says she is saddened by the political weaponizing of the innocuous tradition of windmilling and has begun to form a coalition of the milling to resist further stigmatization of the windmilling community. In the wake of the prohibition, small, secret cells of windmillers are springing up to provide practitioners of this gentle art an outlet to let their hair down and avoid the prying eyes of the law. Lobbying efforts to overturn the ban have begun by the powerful and influential cervical collar industry, as the criminalization of windmilling has brought cervical collar sales to levels not seen since the Swedish disco craze of the 1990’s.
Arch Enemy Endorses Silkpro
Posted by Happy Metal Guy in General Weirdness on March 29, 2014
(Photo By Matthew Germain)
In a move that estranged longtime American sponsor Head & Shoulders, Swedish melo-hair metal titan Arch Enemy announced Tuesday that they have endorsed Singaporean shampoo company Silkpro.
The news, which came a day after blue-haired Alissa White-Gluz (ex-The Agonist) was announced as gold-haired Angela Gossow’s replacement, took everyone but Devin Townsend, Kerry King and the rest of their ilk by surprise.
“From the moment Alissa’s blue hair interlocked with my red hair, a purple spark ignited between us and I knew that we have something special going on,” said red-haired lead windmiller Michael Amott, flipping his fabulous mane over his right shoulder under the sunlight.
“And because Head & Shoulders strips away color too quickly, we decided to switch to another brand with a reputation for preserving dyed-hair color. So after thinking long and hard, we decided to jump ship to Silkpro,” Amott continued, swishing his fabulous locks over his left shoulder this time.
Head & Shoulders, known for its dandruff-eliminating ability, is popular amongst long-haired metalheads with oily scalps. When contacted, company spokesman Dan D. Ruff expressed disappointment at Amott’s decision.
“You can’t have both anti-dandruff and color preserve in one shampoo, so we don’t blame Michael for going over to the colored side,” said Ruff. “But he of all people should know that the unhealthy metal lifestyle produces greasy scalps, and greasy scalps produce dandruff. And in no time at all, Arch Enemy’s on-stage headbanging will be raining white flakes down on its audience.”
“In all honesty, colored hair with white specks in it looks worse than spotless black hair,” Ruff continued.
However, Silkpro spokesman Richard Tan disagrees. He claimed that a new shampoo with 66.6% of anti-dandruff chemical content is in the works. Code-named “Hair Eternal,” it will bestow Arch Enemy members with spotless colored hair, and hit Walmart shelves on June 10.
Although frizzled and ridden with split-ends, White-Gluz’s rad blue hair is in good company. The 28-year-old’s hair hangs about five inches past her shoulders, continuing the band’s tradition of accepting only long-long-haired windmillers as members.
“Most people think Christopher Amott left Arch Enemy to pursue a career in Ikea, but that is not the case at all,” said dirty blonde and ex-vocalist Johan Liiva. “The truth is that Michael actually kicked him out for cutting his fuckin’ hair. Same thing happened with me when I got that Ozzy haircut.”
Indeed, follicles of the same length lock together. Arch Enemy’s latest promotional photo clearly depicts a group of five long-haired individuals, with black-haired bassist Sharlee D’Angelo’s and brown-haired guitarist Nick Cordle’s guitar necks bent towards the luscious locks in utter awe.
According to black-haired drummer Daniel Erlandsson, his instrument is not as enamored with his hair as D’Angelo’s and Cordle’s own. But he speculated that maybe it is because his hair is neither as wavy as D’Angelo’s hair nor brown as Cordle’s hair.
Undoubtedly excited about her new modeling role, White-Gluz has taken it upon herself to add more color to her life.
“Don’t believe McFly, you can definitely have more than five colors in your hair,” said the bluehead as she sat in a salon chair, destroying her hair further by getting white, pink, red, green, yellow and brown highlights.
“There is no such thing as having too many colors in your hair. Colored hair is forever, colored hair is limitless and this is only the beginning!”
Arch Enemy will tour hair salons throughout Asia this July, and will only sign empty Silkpro shampoo containers. Specific dates will be announced soon.
The Tyranny of Tradition 
