Posts Tagged darkthrone

True Norwegian Black Friday: The Story Behind Extreme Nordic Capitalism

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“All hail the instigators of northern consumerism, Thanksgiving ist krieg!” says the grandmother of three who wears corpse paint as they walk by a newlywed couple expecting their first child at a store in Hopkins, Minnesota. The jovial scene and festivities inspire the lovers so much, they decide to name their firstborn Borknagar.

True Norwegian Black Friday has come a long way since 1950’s America, when it was first introduced to the country by the Minnesota Vikings. They brought the tradition from Scandinavia after their 1951 tour with Danzig in hopes of recreating the low prices and tales of Satanic elves they found in Helvete, a store in Norway.

The Tyranny of Tradition editorial staff spared no expense to search the truth behind the late November sales and traveled to Oslo, where Mortiis (born Mortimer Håvard Ellefsen), former Emperor bass player, manages the local chain of stores Varg-Mart, infamous for their slogan: Vi dolke høye priser i hodet! (We stab high prices in the head!). Their headquarter is conveniently located in what used to be Helvete, where Euronymous, Norwegian Black Metal pioneer, and Edmond Adolphe de Rothschild, Jewish banker, formed the alliance to sell extreme records at low prices.

“The Scandinavian tradition started when Allfather Odin was on a budget after wedding Frigga, known as Rene Russo in times before the light, and he needed to covet weapons for Ragnarok to fight the frost giant fanatics of the Sarpsborg band. While in the gardening department of a Nordstrom store, Odin fought a local hippie named Olaff over the last Gungnir in existence (a naturist brand of spearlike sticks used for planting seeds) and lost an eye in the altercation. The Ruler of Asgard sued the company and won a fortune. The court also sentenced the retailer to close all of its gardening departments to avoid further confrontations and eye loss.”

“Odin used his money to start the furniture company Ikea and take a vacation in Amsterdam, where he started a bromance with his fellow beard enthusiast Santa Claus, A.K.A. Sinterklaas, a sailor with an extensive record of breaking and entering into private property. They plotted together a pyramid scheme that consisted in giving children gifts and sticking their parents with the bill in the name of their other bearded acquaintance, Jesus, who they didn’t really like.”

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After we learned the history of Black Friday, Mortiis was kind enough to hook us up with an exclusive interview with Burzum International CEO, Lord of the Rings cosplayer, and advocate of all True Scandinavian traditions Varg Vikernes, who currently resides in France.*

“I’m not a Nazi. All of my banking friends are Jewish, and this is not a Swastika I’m wearing, it’s Fylfot, Thor’s ninja throwing star.” Stated the musician before we asked anything.

“Even though the holiday started in another country before any of us were born, it was people like Fenriz and myself who gave it its true identity. Me and a bunch of easily-impressionable kids came up with burning down churches as a publicity stunt that would bring business to both Christian contractors and Black Metal artists. It’s all about keeping the capital flowing. Look at what happened with the hostile takeover of Helvete. Euronymous wasn’t making any profit out of our church-burning meshuggah just because of his absurd hippie ideologies. Things needed to change rapidly, because we knew True Norwegian Black Metal is about making a buck.”

“Darkthrone records their music with an answering machine, uses Xerox copies for their cover art and there you go, you have a LP with a retail price that costs as much as a Behemoth album but didn’t waste money in production value. Hell, I’ve done it over and over again. I recorded a couple of albums from prison** with the cheapest synthesizer money can buy, wrote a bunch of repetitive Summoning rip-offs in a couple of hours and BOOM, I’m monetising my incarceration.”

“I’m very happy to see True Norwegian Black Friday has made it’s way to the American November, with the bargains and people wearing construction nails in hopes of poking someone’s eye out as they fight for a cheap X-Box One, re-enacting the greatest battle of Allfather Odin.”

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Burzum’s latest album titled Det Som En Gangvar Style was released on November 1st. It’s a new all-synth ambient CD that mixes long folk passages with hardcore elevator music recorded with the raw Necrojungle signature beats Vikernes has made popular. The ten minute jingles of the album are being played in malls and department stores all throughout America, and it makes a swell present for all the family!

Image*Vikernes exiled himself from Norway after a tape of himself and Sonja, Queen of Norway, in compromising positions was leaked and available on Netflix Scandinavia.

**The artist formerly known as Accountant Grishnackh was prosecuted for insurance fraud and larceny in 1994. He pulled the scam by getting a life insurance for bandmate Euronymous, hiding him in a trunk for 19 years, claiming the insurance money, and taking over his business.

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2014 In Review: Year of The Metal Subgenre

69_photoA near tsunami of new metal bands came to the forefront of the American music scene in 2014.  After Obama signed the controversial law in 2013 that outlawed country music, boy bands and songs by coke addicted former Mouseketeers, metal began to take off as the most popular form of musical expression in the land.

A wave of new bands brought in a flood of popular subgenres.  After all, how can you possibly catch the attention of an audience numbed into a near coma by a never-ending stream of cute kitten pictures on their computer without some sort of hook?

Years back, a number of metal bands figured out that by coming up with new subgenres you can effectively con the audience into the belief that they are experiencing something totally state-of-the-art.  This was a brilliant assessment, because truthfully, there are only so many ways you can cook an egg.  If you take the story out of metal, it’s mostly just a bunch of sweaty, badly dressed people making loud noises for a bunch of sweaty, badly dressed people who are apoplectically staring into The Nothing.

Honestly, how different is one three and a half minute thrash song from another?  Is technical death metal really all that unique in comparison to, say, regular old garden-variety death metal?  Thus, God created the subgenre and gave us a way to turn tiny, obscure distinctions into whole schools of thought and belief.  One man’s doom is another man’s sludge, as the old saying goes.  Or something.

When the next civilization digs through the rubble a thousand years from now and finds all the 2014 issues of Metal Maniacs it will be clear, this was The Year of The Metal Subgenre.  So, it is with great pleasure that I present to you the best new subgenres created in 2014 along with the band that best represents that style.

New Wave of Soviet Socialist Metal (NWOSSM or NWOCCCP)

When I think about 1980’s power metal, my mind often drifts to the Soviets.  Many people would argue that very little great creativity came out of Russia and its satellite states in the 80’s.  Clearly those people haven’t heard some of the early albums by Lenin’s Tomb or Khrushchev’s Shoe.  As young Russians look back on the glorious days of bureaucratic inefficiency that marked the end of the Soviet Empire, many of them have started playing the music that dominated that era.

Best Band:  Iron Curtain

Unblackened Yachtcore

This quirky fusion between the raw, earthy tones of Christian black metal and 1970 and 80’s soft rock caught fire in 2014.  Many music aficionados were looking for a way to reconcile their passion for the music of Michael McDonald and the songs of Darkthrone.  This cutting edge subgenre gave them the perfect combination.  Lyrically, it blends elegant prose from the New Testament with poignant stories about the dreams and inner longings of Yuppies.

Best Band:  Captain Trips and Tenille

Proto Originalist Doom

Who would have believed that doom metal could possibly be blended with the text of Supreme Court decisions written by Antonin Scalia in order to create a new style of music?  Dark, heavy, Sabbath inspired guitar riffs are used here to celebrate the spirit of unbridled judicial restraint and the idea that just about every thought that was formulated after 1787 is entirely worthless.

Best Band:  Woe vs. Wade

Post-Marxist Extremely Technical Progressive Rawlsian Eco Thrash (PMETPRET)

More of a social movement than a style of music, PMETPRET bands have attempted to use technical death metal as a tool of creating social justice and encouraging recycling.

Best Band: Fates Warming

Anatomical Glam Grindslam

Grindcore was a dying subgenre until it caught an infusion of hair metal earlier this year.  Something about the idea of putting together the catchy, party rock stylings of bands like Poison and Cinderella with the fierce brutality of early Carcass and The County Medical Examiners struck a chord with the American public.

Best Band:  Twisted Blister  

New York City Viking Hardcore (NYHVC)As most Americans know, a Viking gang crime wave hit New York City in early 2014.  Alienated young teens joined Viking gangs in droves and pillaged many of the stores and homes that were not guarded by people with assault rifles and high capacity magazines.  NYHVC has become a way of expressing their rage at our dysfunctional social order.

Best Band:  Freyahazard

Heideggerian Ontological Powerviolence (HOP) 

If you are like most Americans, you feel deeply offended that you grew up in a culture that has been thoroughly shaped by Cartesian Dualism.   You also probably wonder how you can best disclose being-in-the-world as a whole.  And you probably own at least the first four Spazz albums (the ones they did before they sold out).  It is not a coincidence that HOP music caught on overnight and became the top selling subgenre in metal in 2014.

Best Band:  Being-Toward-Death-Angel

Old School Hebraic Nu-Metal

The most surprising comeback in 2014 was the resurgence of Nu-Metal, only this time instead of “borrowing” style and imagery associated with African American culture these musicians began stealing traditional Jewish themes.

Best Band:  Limp Brizkit

Symphonic Free Market Hayekia’N’Roll

In an attempt to connect with younger, hipper Americans, The Heritage Foundation, in conjunction with the Koch Brothers, have spent over 30 billion dollars creating melodic death metal records in order to spread the message of free market intellectual titans like Milton Friedman and the guy who invented the chicken sandwich.

Best Band:  Children of Serfdom

 

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Darkthrone’s Fenriz Arrested For Carrying Concealed Copy of Spice Girls’ “Spiceworld” Album

At 9:32 last night, the creative force behind black metal legends Darkthrone, was arrested at Toronto’s Pearson International Airport with a copy of the 1997 album “Spiceworld”.  Apparently, Fenriz was on his way through security attempting to catch a flight to Trondheim when an astute security guard noticed the album in his bag.  The album, rapped in coffee beans in an attempt to throw off Spice Girl album sniffing dogs, was confiscated and Fenriz was escorted off to jail.  He currently sits in Mimico Correctional Centre awaiting his release on 300,000-dollar bail.

Fenriz, for his part, initially claimed the album was not his, but that he was actually carrying it for an unnamed friend.  However, after intense questioning a tired and bewildered Fenriz broke down and admitted that he had purchased the album because he “couldn’t get that ‘Spice Up Your Life’ song out of his head” no matter how hard he tried.

Not only could Fenriz be facing three to five years hard labor for his possession of the album, there is a good possibility that he will be an outcast from the black metal world.  The National Association of Black Metal Bands, a 100,000-member organization committed to keeping black metal pure, has already considered banning him from taking part in church burnings for the next five years.  They have also considered taking the unheard of step of indefinitely suspending him from throwing parts of animal carcasses into the crowd during concerts.

The only such probation in the past took place in 2003 when Dani Filth was prohibited from using the word “Satan” for one year for what was referred to as “crimes against black metal”.   In Filth’s case, the so-called “death penalty” was considered, a sanction that would have been forced to record an entire album of Air Supply covers.

Many metal artists have already come to Fenriz defense.  According to Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine listening to the Spice Girls is not healthy but “at least he wasn’t trying to marry another man or receive free health care like most people in Canada do.”  Immortal frontman Abbath also indicated that he’d support Fenriz if he joined a twelve-step Spice Girl rehabilitation program.  “Free Fenriz” tee shirts have already been popping up around Norway and Cleveland, Ohio.  It’s entirely possible that with a good attorney and the power of prayer, he will overcome this terrible transgression and become an upstanding citizen once again.

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