Posts Tagged Heidegger

Kanye West Interrupts Grammys; Announces Behemoth’s “The Satanist” Should Have Been Album of Year

beck-kanye-west Kanye West’s unending stretch of boorish behavior at award shows continued on Sunday night when he rushed the stage during the presentation of the Grammy for “Aging Hipster of The Year” to Beck. After knocking Beck’s 113-pound body to the floor and kicking the trophy out of his hand, Kanye announced, “I don’t know why you are giving an award to this scrawny, barista looking guy, but I do know this, Behemoth’s ‘The Satanist’ should have been album of the year!”

Kanye is no stranger to controversy. He has gained a reputation for interrupting televised events in order to yammer on about something or other. Back in 2003, he interrupted the National Anthem during Game 5 of the World Series, grabbing the microphone from Celine Dion and announcing that “if you are a real American, you need to stop listening to this tone-deaf grandpa grabber and pick up 10 copies of USA for MOD.”

In order to keep Americans abreast of every passing thought that drifts through his celebrity mind, Kanye has disturbed everything from an episode of “The American Bible Challenge” to a community access hunting show in Helena, Montana. PBS cooking show host Martin Yan memorably stabbed Kanye in his surgically reconstructed jaw for interrupting his “Yan Can Cook” show when he ran on the set and began loudly insisting that Yan had secretly used monosodium glutamate in many of his recipes.

Kanye’s most famous outburst came during The 2005 Concert To Alleviate The Guilt of CNN Viewers. His performance helped to generate money for hurricane survivors, but many critics were critical of his “metalicization” of a somber and important event. After his performance he was asked about the cancelation of a Mayhem concert in New Orleans days after Hurricane Katrina, Kanye famously quipped “George W. Bush doesn’t care about black metal.”

I'm Not Saying He's A Golddigger, But They Don't Remind Me Much of Heidegger

I’m Not Saying They Are Golddiggers, But They Don’t Remind Me Much of Heidegger

At a press conference after the event, Kanye heaped further praise on the Polish death metal juggernaut Behemoth. “Honestly, except for the whole idea of putting screen doors on submarines, I never really thought of the Polish as very innovative. Then, I heard ‘The Satanist’ and was like ‘Whoa!”

“They are like the Beatles of Death Metal. The death metal Andy Warhols. The number one most impactful death metal artists of their time. They liberate minds from the lyrical Apartheid of minimalist bloodlust. They are the atom to Robert Oppenheimer’s atomic. They are like a cross between Egyptian pharaoh Akhenaten, Paul Newman and Martin Heidegger.”

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

12 Comments

2014 In Review: Year of The Metal Subgenre

69_photoA near tsunami of new metal bands came to the forefront of the American music scene in 2014.  After Obama signed the controversial law in 2013 that outlawed country music, boy bands and songs by coke addicted former Mouseketeers, metal began to take off as the most popular form of musical expression in the land.

A wave of new bands brought in a flood of popular subgenres.  After all, how can you possibly catch the attention of an audience numbed into a near coma by a never-ending stream of cute kitten pictures on their computer without some sort of hook?

Years back, a number of metal bands figured out that by coming up with new subgenres you can effectively con the audience into the belief that they are experiencing something totally state-of-the-art.  This was a brilliant assessment, because truthfully, there are only so many ways you can cook an egg.  If you take the story out of metal, it’s mostly just a bunch of sweaty, badly dressed people making loud noises for a bunch of sweaty, badly dressed people who are apoplectically staring into The Nothing.

Honestly, how different is one three and a half minute thrash song from another?  Is technical death metal really all that unique in comparison to, say, regular old garden-variety death metal?  Thus, God created the subgenre and gave us a way to turn tiny, obscure distinctions into whole schools of thought and belief.  One man’s doom is another man’s sludge, as the old saying goes.  Or something.

When the next civilization digs through the rubble a thousand years from now and finds all the 2014 issues of Metal Maniacs it will be clear, this was The Year of The Metal Subgenre.  So, it is with great pleasure that I present to you the best new subgenres created in 2014 along with the band that best represents that style.

New Wave of Soviet Socialist Metal (NWOSSM or NWOCCCP)

When I think about 1980’s power metal, my mind often drifts to the Soviets.  Many people would argue that very little great creativity came out of Russia and its satellite states in the 80’s.  Clearly those people haven’t heard some of the early albums by Lenin’s Tomb or Khrushchev’s Shoe.  As young Russians look back on the glorious days of bureaucratic inefficiency that marked the end of the Soviet Empire, many of them have started playing the music that dominated that era.

Best Band:  Iron Curtain

Unblackened Yachtcore

This quirky fusion between the raw, earthy tones of Christian black metal and 1970 and 80’s soft rock caught fire in 2014.  Many music aficionados were looking for a way to reconcile their passion for the music of Michael McDonald and the songs of Darkthrone.  This cutting edge subgenre gave them the perfect combination.  Lyrically, it blends elegant prose from the New Testament with poignant stories about the dreams and inner longings of Yuppies.

Best Band:  Captain Trips and Tenille

Proto Originalist Doom

Who would have believed that doom metal could possibly be blended with the text of Supreme Court decisions written by Antonin Scalia in order to create a new style of music?  Dark, heavy, Sabbath inspired guitar riffs are used here to celebrate the spirit of unbridled judicial restraint and the idea that just about every thought that was formulated after 1787 is entirely worthless.

Best Band:  Woe vs. Wade

Post-Marxist Extremely Technical Progressive Rawlsian Eco Thrash (PMETPRET)

More of a social movement than a style of music, PMETPRET bands have attempted to use technical death metal as a tool of creating social justice and encouraging recycling.

Best Band: Fates Warming

Anatomical Glam Grindslam

Grindcore was a dying subgenre until it caught an infusion of hair metal earlier this year.  Something about the idea of putting together the catchy, party rock stylings of bands like Poison and Cinderella with the fierce brutality of early Carcass and The County Medical Examiners struck a chord with the American public.

Best Band:  Twisted Blister  

New York City Viking Hardcore (NYHVC)As most Americans know, a Viking gang crime wave hit New York City in early 2014.  Alienated young teens joined Viking gangs in droves and pillaged many of the stores and homes that were not guarded by people with assault rifles and high capacity magazines.  NYHVC has become a way of expressing their rage at our dysfunctional social order.

Best Band:  Freyahazard

Heideggerian Ontological Powerviolence (HOP) 

If you are like most Americans, you feel deeply offended that you grew up in a culture that has been thoroughly shaped by Cartesian Dualism.   You also probably wonder how you can best disclose being-in-the-world as a whole.  And you probably own at least the first four Spazz albums (the ones they did before they sold out).  It is not a coincidence that HOP music caught on overnight and became the top selling subgenre in metal in 2014.

Best Band:  Being-Toward-Death-Angel

Old School Hebraic Nu-Metal

The most surprising comeback in 2014 was the resurgence of Nu-Metal, only this time instead of “borrowing” style and imagery associated with African American culture these musicians began stealing traditional Jewish themes.

Best Band:  Limp Brizkit

Symphonic Free Market Hayekia’N’Roll

In an attempt to connect with younger, hipper Americans, The Heritage Foundation, in conjunction with the Koch Brothers, have spent over 30 billion dollars creating melodic death metal records in order to spread the message of free market intellectual titans like Milton Friedman and the guy who invented the chicken sandwich.

Best Band:  Children of Serfdom

 

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

20 Comments

%d bloggers like this: