Posts Tagged Mayhem

Kanye West Interrupts Grammys; Announces Behemoth’s “The Satanist” Should Have Been Album of Year

beck-kanye-west Kanye West’s unending stretch of boorish behavior at award shows continued on Sunday night when he rushed the stage during the presentation of the Grammy for “Aging Hipster of The Year” to Beck. After knocking Beck’s 113-pound body to the floor and kicking the trophy out of his hand, Kanye announced, “I don’t know why you are giving an award to this scrawny, barista looking guy, but I do know this, Behemoth’s ‘The Satanist’ should have been album of the year!”

Kanye is no stranger to controversy. He has gained a reputation for interrupting televised events in order to yammer on about something or other. Back in 2003, he interrupted the National Anthem during Game 5 of the World Series, grabbing the microphone from Celine Dion and announcing that “if you are a real American, you need to stop listening to this tone-deaf grandpa grabber and pick up 10 copies of USA for MOD.”

In order to keep Americans abreast of every passing thought that drifts through his celebrity mind, Kanye has disturbed everything from an episode of “The American Bible Challenge” to a community access hunting show in Helena, Montana. PBS cooking show host Martin Yan memorably stabbed Kanye in his surgically reconstructed jaw for interrupting his “Yan Can Cook” show when he ran on the set and began loudly insisting that Yan had secretly used monosodium glutamate in many of his recipes.

Kanye’s most famous outburst came during The 2005 Concert To Alleviate The Guilt of CNN Viewers. His performance helped to generate money for hurricane survivors, but many critics were critical of his “metalicization” of a somber and important event. After his performance he was asked about the cancelation of a Mayhem concert in New Orleans days after Hurricane Katrina, Kanye famously quipped “George W. Bush doesn’t care about black metal.”

I'm Not Saying He's A Golddigger, But They Don't Remind Me Much of Heidegger

I’m Not Saying They Are Golddiggers, But They Don’t Remind Me Much of Heidegger

At a press conference after the event, Kanye heaped further praise on the Polish death metal juggernaut Behemoth. “Honestly, except for the whole idea of putting screen doors on submarines, I never really thought of the Polish as very innovative. Then, I heard ‘The Satanist’ and was like ‘Whoa!”

“They are like the Beatles of Death Metal. The death metal Andy Warhols. The number one most impactful death metal artists of their time. They liberate minds from the lyrical Apartheid of minimalist bloodlust. They are the atom to Robert Oppenheimer’s atomic. They are like a cross between Egyptian pharaoh Akhenaten, Paul Newman and Martin Heidegger.”

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Varg Vikernes Arrested In France On Suspicion Of Flushing Oranges Down Toilet

varg_vikernes-sol_austan_mani_vestan

In the early hours of the morning on Saturday, black metal legend and media icon Varg Vikernes was arrested by French police on suspicion of being the mastermind of a devious plot to cause mayhem in France.  Vikernes, who was staying at  L’Hotel Aisselle in Paris, purchased a bag of oranges and flushed one down the hotel’s toilet “in the name of Odin”.  The event, which led to Vikernes’ arrest and incarceration, caused him to be immediately suspended as host of the top rated Norwegian children’s television show “This Little Quisling”.

By flushing the oranges, Varg hoped to destroy the hotel’s plumbing causing untold confusion and panic in the city, eventually leading to the collapse of the French government.  In the ensuing chaos, the government would be replaced by a proto-fascist black metal dictatorship.  After the first orange was flushed, Vikernes was captured by an alert member of the hotel’s maintenance staff and detained until French police arrived.  During a 47-hour interrogation, Vikernes revealed he was planning an orange flushing spree throughout the city of Paris that would “rival the German invasion of France in the 1950’s”.

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Vikernes is no stranger to controversy.  Back in 1992, he was arrested in Trondheim for feeding seagulls Alka-Seltzer in an attempt to cause them to explode.  During a 1993 sleepover, Varg was accused of putting warm water in Mayhem vocalist Attila Csihar’s hand in an attempt to cause him to wet his bed.  Charges in both cases were dropped for lack of evidence, but in 1994, Varg was given six months in prison for putting a whoopee cushion on the chair of Trondheim mayor Marvin Wiseth’s chair during a press conference moments before he sat down.

While in prison, Vikernes dreamed up the musical project he’d be best known for, Burzum.  Using a diabolical mixture of raw black metal and elevator music, Vikernes’ has inspired a generation of talented, potentially employable young people to pursue careers in creating poorly produced, inaudible music for almost no one.  His music, which is both deeply personal and horribly unlistenable (much like the poetry of an alienated, disaffected 6th grader), pays homage to Varg’s two greatest influences, Adolf Hitler and Andrew Lloyd Webber.

The threat of oranges being flushed down the toilet is not only considered a major concern in France.  In an effort to protect Americans from dangerous orange flushing related activities, the US government today banned all oranges from domestic and international flights, wiretapped the phones of twelve Carmelite nuns in Arizona suspected of “orange-growing activities” and used drones to attack a village in Pakistan.

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