Posts Tagged Arts and Entertainment

Metal Band Name Reserve To Be Completely Depleted By 2016 Says Department of Interior

metal band names

The US Department of the Interior released a statement today, stating that the metal band name reserve is now almost completely depleted.  America is quickly running out of metal band names and expects to be totally tapped out by the end of 2016.

“There has been a sharp proliferation of new metal bands in the last five years,” says Department of the Interior Spokesman Peter Hobbs, “and the result is that all the viable names have been expended, far ahead of our original projections.”

Hobbs says the first warning signs came in the form of name recycling and overuse. “We’ve seen cases of reused names despite being already claimed by established bands, along with purposely misspelled variations of names like ‘Nocturnel’, ‘Nockturnal’, or worse. It’s really proving to be a desperate situation.  There are 28 bands worldwide named Mortuary, 7 within the United States alone.  The time has come to ask how many Disgorges this nation, or this planet for that matter, can support.”

Adding to the crisis is the complete depletion of modifiers “Blood”, “Dark”, and “Black”. Additional alarm spread through the metal community earlier this month as it was discovered that “Grave” and “Funeral” had also been stretched beyond usability.

“At this point, we’ve got to get creative with our resources if we want to have any future metal bands,” asserts Hobbs, “and we need everyone’s cooperation. People must stop naming their bands ‘Goat-anything’ until further notice.”

As an additional precaution, the Department is also declaring an indefinite moratorium on anyone going by the nickname of “Metal Mike”.

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TWERK DAT GHANDI

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Announcer:  (A generic Midwestern radio voice straddles the line between sounding hip and offending sponsors by sounding too “edgy”)  We are back live on All The Hits Hot 107 The Flash.  Right now, we got that new song from rapper Lil Abner.  As you know, Lil Abner just broke up with his homies Yung Elderlyz and Kurt da Kiropractor from the multi-platnum selling hip hop group Dat Marketin’ Skeme.  And now, playaz and playettez, it’s time to TWERK DAT GHANDI……

(Standard hip hop beat plays behind an endless sample loop of Toni Basil’s “Mickey”)

WUT!!!!

WUT!!!!

WUT!!!!

WUT!!!!

TWERK DAT GHANDI!!!!!

TWERK DAT GHANDI!!!!!

TWERK DAT!!!!

TWERK DAT!!!!!

TWERK DAT GHANDI!!!!

Bald headed holy man

Ain’t got no Pakistan

Spizzard on a gin-sam

Wearin’ dem Pampers

Diana Moon Glampers

Got dirty clothes

Ghandi bring dem hampers

Ghandi like WUT

Tojo like WUT

WUT!!!!!!!

WUT!!!!!!

WUT!!!!

WUT!!!!

TWERK DAT GHANDI!!!!

TWERK DAT GHANDI!!!!

TWERK DAT!!!

TWERK DAT!!!

TWERK DAT GHANDI!!!!

G-G-G-ghandi in dat basement

Mixin’ up dat pavement

Thinkin’ ‘bout savement

Got a love fade back

Wearin’ dat snapback

Spleen like a relax

Drink some honey beeswax

Climin’ dem sleezstacks

Nero got no kneecaps

Ghandi like WUT

Broz Tito like WUT

WUT!!!!

WUT!!!!

WUT!!!!

WUT!!!!

TWERK DAT GHANDI!!!

TWERK DAT GHANDI!!!

TWERK DAT!!!

TWERK DAT!!!

TWERK DAT GHANDI!!!!!

Pound a ground licorice

Larva got dat chrysalis

Sippin’ on dat Sisyphus

Gold blackberry

Amoebic dysentery

Droppin’ dem bombs like

Matthew C. Perry

Obamacare survivor

Got dem Holy Diver

Runnin’ dat show like you

Sargent Shriver

Broken scapula

Count Dracula

Donatin’ dem kidneys

Jomo Kenyata

Mr. Roboto

Ghandi like WUT

Mussolini like WUT

WUT!!!!

WUT!!!!

WUT!!!!

WUT!!!!

TWERK DAT GHANDI!!!!

TWERK DAT GHANDI!!!!!

TWERK DAT!!!!

TWERK DAT!!!!

TWERK DAT GHANDI!!!!!

WUT!

TWERK DAT GHANDI

WUT!

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The Purest Man In All Of Heavy Metal

Blak Dan after winning his award. He refused to show his face to the camera out of the fear of losing some of his purity.

The Tyranny of Tradition is proud to announce that this year’s prestigious award for The Purest Man in All of Metal was presented this morning to BlaK Dan Krutzmeyer of Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania.  BlaK Dan won the award in 2010-11 for his undying commitment to the cause of real, black, pure, true heavy metal.  We had a chance to catch up with him after this morning’s ceremony at The Radisson Hotel in Kenosha, Wisconsin.

Tyranny:  BlaK Dan, we are really excited to catch up with you on such an important day.  How are you feeling?

BlaK Dan:  Bleak, man.  Bleak.  Before we go any further, I need to straighten something out with you.  My name is no longer BlaK Dan.  Two months ago I had it legally changed to XxxxZyr.  XxxxZyr was Odin’s nephew’s horse.  The original name of the horse had some vowels in it, but I removed them because vowels are feminine and, thus, impure.

Tyranny:  Vowels are feminine and impure?

XxxxZyr:  Yes, vowels imply weakness and girlishness.  Allowing any form of femininity to enter into my soul would make me less pure.  I refuse to use vowels.  It takes away from my inner purity.

Tyranny:  So, do you have a girlfriend?

XxxxZyr:  No, I refuse to weaken myself by communicating in any way with women.  I rarely will talk to men either.  When I do, I try to communicate in a long dead language like Aramaic.  That way, our conversation will be more pure.  I have agreed to use an impure language like English for this interview as part of the terms of receiving my award, but I plan on never using this contaminated language again.

Tyranny:  Okay, moving right along.  XxxxZyr, I’ve heard you are in a metal band.  What sort of music do you play?

XxxxZyr:  My band is a one-man project.  We are called grrrvkw, in honor of the sound humans make when yawning, one of the few truly pure things a person can do. To play my music, I go out into the deepest part of the forest with my guitar.  I find a cool, quiet spot as far from civilization as possible, where I can capture my inner essence and then I roll around in leaves for an hour.  When I emerge from the leaves, I play one dark note and hold it for three hours.  I do this four times a day.  I will not defile my music by playing it in front of an audience or recording it.  I’ve got to keep it pure, man.

Tyranny:  What sort of music do you enjoy listening to?

XxxxZyr:  Okay, first of all, I do not enjoy anything.  Enjoyment is a weakened state.  It allows one to become out of touch with their inner-purity.  I enjoy nothing.

Second of all, I will only listen to the purest forms of metal.  Nothing impure will enter my ears.  I used to listen to bands like Iron Maiden, but I realized that by recording their music, they sold out.  The only pure thing they did was a recording Steve Harris’ mother accidently made of him crying when he was two days old.  I own a copy of it on vinyl and listen to it from time to time.  That was before they started selling out and playing music for “people”.  Everyone who has ever recorded anything or played anything in front of other humans or even thought for one second about the effects of their music on others is a sell-out and I have no time for them.

Tyranny:  What are your goals and plans now that you have been declared the most pure man in all of metal?

XxxxZyr:  Well, first of all, I want to make it clear that this award doesn’t matter to me.  I don’t need to be told I’m pure by anyone else. You are speaking to a man who spent a lifetime looking into the darkest and purest of internal voids.  I need nothing from you.  As a matter of fact, your very presence diminishes me.

In terms of goals, I am looking for a job where my understanding of purity will be an asset.  I long to one day become a metal message board administrator.  I could spend the next 60 years of my life making sure that threads are not polluted by comments that go off of the exact theme that the person who began the thread meant.  All sarcasm, humor and other weakening agents will be eliminated under my reign.  This sort of defilement of message boards should be punishable by death.

Tyranny:  Congrats on the award, XxxxZyr, and good luck.

XxxxZyr:  Okay, again, you are missing the point.  I feel nothing but hatred in its purest form in this moment.  As the gods intended it.  I do not accept your praise, because by doing so I am lessening myself.  I plan on tossing this award into a blazing fire when I return to my cave.  I have polluted myself by being near others.  This ritual is shameful and I hope to never experience anything like it again.

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