Posts Tagged Metal Message Boards

Satan To Metal Bands: “Stop Writing Songs About Me Already!”

Satan During Last Friday's Exclusive Tyranny of Tradition Interview

Last Friday, we got a chance to catch up with Satan over at the Starbucks in Alpharetta, Georgia.  The Dark Prince and I sat down over Frappuccinos and discussed his life and career.  He was remarkably candid with me about the challenges that he has faced as the most powerful force of evil in the known universe.  We also discussed the current state of heavy metal.  Here are some highlights from our interview….

Tyranny:  So, Satan, what are some of your proudest achievements?

Satan:  Well, I’m particularly proud of greed.  Watching people gets so worked up over the stories they tell themselves about lifeless material is really a joy to watch.  I’m also very partial to vanity.  It’s the best gateway drug ever invented.  If you can get people to believe that there is something remarkable about themselves that they have and others don’t you can get them to do just about anything to protect it.  Who needs to fill a church with demons and ghouls when you can simply fill one of the ministers with an over abundance of self-interest?  You give me twenty seconds and a mirror and I can do pure magic.

Tyranny:  As the devil, you face many challenges.  Tell me about a few of them.

Satan:  Well, human beings have a remarkable capacity for love.  They are often willing to give of themselves when they are clear they will get nothing in return.  You see it all the time if you know what you are looking for.  You have no idea how frustrating this is for me.  Sure, I’ve managed to convince some people that all acts are essentially selfish.  I’ve planted the idea of human nature in people so they think they can never be any better than those who came before them.  But, some people simply choose to ignore this and try to turn the world into a place of empathy and compassion.  Those people make my job a nightmare.

Tyranny:  What do you think about the current state of heavy metal?

Satan:  Honestly, I’m just tired of people writing songs about me.  Stop it already!  Please!  I mean, when Venom or Bathory were doing it, it was kinda cool.  I was flattered.  After 30 years and literally thousands of songs about my powers, I’m just tired of it.  Slayer fans are the worst.  I can’t even go to their concerts anymore because people just scream my name the whole time.  You try enjoying the drum solo in Angel of Death with a bunch of bearded lunatics screaming your name over and over.  It’s annoying.

Tyranny:  Do you think this stems from a general lack of creativity in metal?

Satan:  There is plenty of creativity in metal; it’s just that the audience often prefers the comfort of what they already know.  Some of the best experiments out there fall on deaf ears.  I try to discourage creativity because it can lead to joy and freedom in the minds of humans. It’s one of the things I’ve never been able to beat out of people.  To fight it, I have had to come up with some very unique solutions.  Case in point, every once in a while I plant a bad creative idea in order to discourage bands from thinking outside of the box.  To show them that their ideas could lead them to being humiliated.  Then, I encourage legions of angry and sad people to savage them on message boards in order to drive the point home.

Tyranny:  Can you give me an example?

Satan:  Sure.  The Metallica/Lou Reed thing was my idea.  That should set creativity further back then The McCarthy Hearings.

Tyranny:  If you could leave the reader with one quick idea, what would it be?

Satan:  Vote Gingrich!!!!!

Tyranny:  Thanks for your time.  By the way, thanks for your help promoting the Santorum article!

Satan:  No problem!  And thank you for your soul.

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The Purest Man In All Of Heavy Metal

Blak Dan after winning his award. He refused to show his face to the camera out of the fear of losing some of his purity.

The Tyranny of Tradition is proud to announce that this year’s prestigious award for The Purest Man in All of Metal was presented this morning to BlaK Dan Krutzmeyer of Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania.  BlaK Dan won the award in 2010-11 for his undying commitment to the cause of real, black, pure, true heavy metal.  We had a chance to catch up with him after this morning’s ceremony at The Radisson Hotel in Kenosha, Wisconsin.

Tyranny:  BlaK Dan, we are really excited to catch up with you on such an important day.  How are you feeling?

BlaK Dan:  Bleak, man.  Bleak.  Before we go any further, I need to straighten something out with you.  My name is no longer BlaK Dan.  Two months ago I had it legally changed to XxxxZyr.  XxxxZyr was Odin’s nephew’s horse.  The original name of the horse had some vowels in it, but I removed them because vowels are feminine and, thus, impure.

Tyranny:  Vowels are feminine and impure?

XxxxZyr:  Yes, vowels imply weakness and girlishness.  Allowing any form of femininity to enter into my soul would make me less pure.  I refuse to use vowels.  It takes away from my inner purity.

Tyranny:  So, do you have a girlfriend?

XxxxZyr:  No, I refuse to weaken myself by communicating in any way with women.  I rarely will talk to men either.  When I do, I try to communicate in a long dead language like Aramaic.  That way, our conversation will be more pure.  I have agreed to use an impure language like English for this interview as part of the terms of receiving my award, but I plan on never using this contaminated language again.

Tyranny:  Okay, moving right along.  XxxxZyr, I’ve heard you are in a metal band.  What sort of music do you play?

XxxxZyr:  My band is a one-man project.  We are called grrrvkw, in honor of the sound humans make when yawning, one of the few truly pure things a person can do. To play my music, I go out into the deepest part of the forest with my guitar.  I find a cool, quiet spot as far from civilization as possible, where I can capture my inner essence and then I roll around in leaves for an hour.  When I emerge from the leaves, I play one dark note and hold it for three hours.  I do this four times a day.  I will not defile my music by playing it in front of an audience or recording it.  I’ve got to keep it pure, man.

Tyranny:  What sort of music do you enjoy listening to?

XxxxZyr:  Okay, first of all, I do not enjoy anything.  Enjoyment is a weakened state.  It allows one to become out of touch with their inner-purity.  I enjoy nothing.

Second of all, I will only listen to the purest forms of metal.  Nothing impure will enter my ears.  I used to listen to bands like Iron Maiden, but I realized that by recording their music, they sold out.  The only pure thing they did was a recording Steve Harris’ mother accidently made of him crying when he was two days old.  I own a copy of it on vinyl and listen to it from time to time.  That was before they started selling out and playing music for “people”.  Everyone who has ever recorded anything or played anything in front of other humans or even thought for one second about the effects of their music on others is a sell-out and I have no time for them.

Tyranny:  What are your goals and plans now that you have been declared the most pure man in all of metal?

XxxxZyr:  Well, first of all, I want to make it clear that this award doesn’t matter to me.  I don’t need to be told I’m pure by anyone else. You are speaking to a man who spent a lifetime looking into the darkest and purest of internal voids.  I need nothing from you.  As a matter of fact, your very presence diminishes me.

In terms of goals, I am looking for a job where my understanding of purity will be an asset.  I long to one day become a metal message board administrator.  I could spend the next 60 years of my life making sure that threads are not polluted by comments that go off of the exact theme that the person who began the thread meant.  All sarcasm, humor and other weakening agents will be eliminated under my reign.  This sort of defilement of message boards should be punishable by death.

Tyranny:  Congrats on the award, XxxxZyr, and good luck.

XxxxZyr:  Okay, again, you are missing the point.  I feel nothing but hatred in its purest form in this moment.  As the gods intended it.  I do not accept your praise, because by doing so I am lessening myself.  I plan on tossing this award into a blazing fire when I return to my cave.  I have polluted myself by being near others.  This ritual is shameful and I hope to never experience anything like it again.

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