Posts Tagged Bathory

Nickelback Call Press Conference To Denounce Metal Archives Website For “Sophomoric Prank”

Nickelback

April Fools’ Day hasn’t been all that amusing for platinum selling recording artist Nickelback.  Singer Chad Kroeger woke up to over 23,000 emails written by fans who were confused by the Metal Archives.com April Fools’ Day prank that claimed, among other things, that Kroeger “waxes his chest and shoulders” and that he was “extremely touched” by Metallica’s recent album “Lulu”.  Kroeger and the rest of the band called a press conference at Alberta’s Hilton Hotel ballroom today to set the record straight.

“Okay….first of all, I have never waxed my shoulders.  I waxed my chest once when I pledged Lambda Chi in college.  But, that was it.  The story that has been circulating about me having eyebrow implants is also one hundred percent false,” exclaimed a visibly shaken Kroeger.

“And another thing, the whole story about us playing some NHL concert replacing Bathory.  Bathory for godsakes!  How many records have they sold?  Maybe if you are some lunatic who drinks his mother’s blood and crucifies cats in your basement you might own a Bathory record or two, but most of the people I know don’t really listen to them.  The idea that we would ‘replace’ them, like we are some sort of fill in for a second rate Slayer cover band, is completely absurd,” shouted Kroeger at a room full of shocked reporters.

“And the story about,” Kroeger paused to collect himself as a tear began to stream down his face, “the story about…..the person dying and the crowd saying something like ‘it doesn’t matter, just another dead Nickelback fan’……we love our fans.  Nobody….NOBODY loves the fans more than we do!   A Nickelback concert is like a family.  To imply that our fans, the very blood in our veins…..OUR FANS don’t care about each other.  Disgraceful!”

“I’ve worked my whole life….MY WHOLE LIFE!   To create music….for the people.  To have our record of excellence insulted by a….metal website.  A sophomoric prank that some jobless metalhead vagrant thought was funny.  Well…HAHAHA!  Hysterical.”

“You know….we’ve been through a lot.  When they wouldn’t let us play at the Super Bowl because they said we were nothing more than ‘an amped up boy band’, we were like ‘whatever’.  When haters say hateful things about us being ‘the audio equivalent of experiencing complete spiritual death’ and ‘the worst thing to come into the world since the Bubonic Plague’, we’re like ‘whatever’.  When our parents, OUR OWN PARENTS started telling people their sons worked as morticians rather than admit that were responsible for the song ‘Someday’, we were like ‘cool, whatever’.  But this metal website joke, this is the final straw!”

“So, until Metal Archives prints a full retraction and apologizes to us in person, we are through.  No more catchy lovelorn ballads!  No more rockin’ tracks to get your lady out on the dance floor!  Nothing!  We are through.  You don’t have Nickelback to kick around anymore!”

At that point, Kroeger slammed his microphone onto the table and stormed out of the hotel ballroom with his band in tow.  According to James Franklin, noted Nickelback expert and author of ‘How You Remind Me:  A Fans Guide To The Greatest Canadian Rock Band Since Triumph’ this threat might just be serious.  “You can only push a band so far,” said Franklin after the raucous press conference, “these boys have been unfairly targeted by a smear campaign so awful it would have made Gandhi look like an axe murderer.  How much more do these fellas have to take?”

Editors Note:  As of 9:30 tonight, the Nickelback April Fools’ Day page at Metal Archives has been taken down.  We are, at this moment, unsure of the reason the site has removed the offending material.  So far, we have been unable to reach anyone there for an explanation or comment.

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

88 Comments

Chicago Teachers Strike After Venom Is Banned From Classrooms

Chicago’s pro-Venom teacher strike has entered its second week with little hope of a quick resolution.  The strike, started by teachers in response to Mayor Rahm Emmanuel’s order to shelve the controversial “Cronos In The Classroom” program, has left parents struggling to find childcare and students ecstatic over not having to be crammed into overcrowded classrooms while being pushed from standardized test to standardized test like a mindless herd of cattle.

Chicago teachers began using Venom songs to help students improve in reading and mathematics.  One unit of the program, “Algebra with Abaddon” teaches 8th graders by using problems like this:  Chuck has 25 human heads collected for the Dark Lord Satan in his basement while Li has only collected 12.  If Li collects 5 heads a month and Chuck only collects 3, when will Li have more heads than Chuck and get to wear the Mark of the Beast?

The program, started by former Flesh Eating Head Wound bassist and 9th grade Chicago public school English teacher Matt Strobe in 2006, was meant to teach basic skills in a way that is fun and engaging.  “Much of what students see in the classroom feels disconnected and alien.  Many of our students are heavily involved in Satan worship and animal sacrifice.  The program was meant to speak to them in a language they understand and can relate to,” declared Strobe during a recent interview with the Chicago Sun Times.

The program was being used in fifteen schools when Emmanuel pulled the plug on it.   In spite of being wildly popular with the students and being cited as a major reason that attendance has dramatically improved, Emmanuel felt the program had to go. “Obviously, there were issues over the content of the Venom songs being used.  Satanic murder rampages are not something a school should endorse.  Still, that wasn’t the main issue.  We stopped the program because test scores in math and reading had declined,” said Emmanuel in a press conference last Monday.

The program has been replaced with one called “Consumer Magic”, a series of units meant to teach test taking skills and breed mindless obedience to authority figures and corporations.  “Consumer Magic” has been tested in several cities and has led to higher test scores and a stronger willingness by students to engage in positive social activities like shopping and repeating what well-educated adults have already said.

For teachers, the end of a program like “Cronos in the Classroom” was enough to send them to the picket line.  One possible compromise is the introduction of a program called “From Bathory to The Boardroom”, a mix of satanic, death-affirming values, corporate ideology and time tested learning strategies.  The program is being considered by both the teachers union and the city and might offer a way out of the current impasse.

, , , , , , , , , ,

3 Comments

Satan To Metal Bands: “Stop Writing Songs About Me Already!”

Satan During Last Friday's Exclusive Tyranny of Tradition Interview

Last Friday, we got a chance to catch up with Satan over at the Starbucks in Alpharetta, Georgia.  The Dark Prince and I sat down over Frappuccinos and discussed his life and career.  He was remarkably candid with me about the challenges that he has faced as the most powerful force of evil in the known universe.  We also discussed the current state of heavy metal.  Here are some highlights from our interview….

Tyranny:  So, Satan, what are some of your proudest achievements?

Satan:  Well, I’m particularly proud of greed.  Watching people gets so worked up over the stories they tell themselves about lifeless material is really a joy to watch.  I’m also very partial to vanity.  It’s the best gateway drug ever invented.  If you can get people to believe that there is something remarkable about themselves that they have and others don’t you can get them to do just about anything to protect it.  Who needs to fill a church with demons and ghouls when you can simply fill one of the ministers with an over abundance of self-interest?  You give me twenty seconds and a mirror and I can do pure magic.

Tyranny:  As the devil, you face many challenges.  Tell me about a few of them.

Satan:  Well, human beings have a remarkable capacity for love.  They are often willing to give of themselves when they are clear they will get nothing in return.  You see it all the time if you know what you are looking for.  You have no idea how frustrating this is for me.  Sure, I’ve managed to convince some people that all acts are essentially selfish.  I’ve planted the idea of human nature in people so they think they can never be any better than those who came before them.  But, some people simply choose to ignore this and try to turn the world into a place of empathy and compassion.  Those people make my job a nightmare.

Tyranny:  What do you think about the current state of heavy metal?

Satan:  Honestly, I’m just tired of people writing songs about me.  Stop it already!  Please!  I mean, when Venom or Bathory were doing it, it was kinda cool.  I was flattered.  After 30 years and literally thousands of songs about my powers, I’m just tired of it.  Slayer fans are the worst.  I can’t even go to their concerts anymore because people just scream my name the whole time.  You try enjoying the drum solo in Angel of Death with a bunch of bearded lunatics screaming your name over and over.  It’s annoying.

Tyranny:  Do you think this stems from a general lack of creativity in metal?

Satan:  There is plenty of creativity in metal; it’s just that the audience often prefers the comfort of what they already know.  Some of the best experiments out there fall on deaf ears.  I try to discourage creativity because it can lead to joy and freedom in the minds of humans. It’s one of the things I’ve never been able to beat out of people.  To fight it, I have had to come up with some very unique solutions.  Case in point, every once in a while I plant a bad creative idea in order to discourage bands from thinking outside of the box.  To show them that their ideas could lead them to being humiliated.  Then, I encourage legions of angry and sad people to savage them on message boards in order to drive the point home.

Tyranny:  Can you give me an example?

Satan:  Sure.  The Metallica/Lou Reed thing was my idea.  That should set creativity further back then The McCarthy Hearings.

Tyranny:  If you could leave the reader with one quick idea, what would it be?

Satan:  Vote Gingrich!!!!!

Tyranny:  Thanks for your time.  By the way, thanks for your help promoting the Santorum article!

Satan:  No problem!  And thank you for your soul.

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

12 Comments

BlaK Dan Reviews Metallica’s “Ride The Lightning”

A few weeks back, we did an interview with the 2011 Purest Man In Metal Award winner BlaK Dan Krutzmeyer (or xxxxZyr as his friends call him).  What I did not reveal in the initial article was that BlaK Dan is actually my brother-in-law.  About 5 years ago, BlaK Dan received a settlement from Costco after slipping on a wet spot in the cat food aisle and rupturing his spleen.  Instead of spending that money wisely on food and shelter, BlaK Dan invested heavily in Amway products which he has been unable to sell even at steeply discounted prices.

In order to recoup his investment, BlaK Dan has been showing up at our front door at the crack of dawn trying to get me to buy cases of Nutralite Vitamins and 100 count boxes of hand sanitizer.  At first, my wife and I tried to help him or, at least, keep to the terms of the restraining order we have against him.  But BlaK Dan is persistent and we are running out options that don’t involve having some guy named Yuri The Blade drop him into the Atlantic Ocean. I have no use for Amway Products and I am tired of having to deal with the guy, so I told him that I’d pay him if he stays away from our home and writes me a metal album review from time to time.  Maybe the reviews will keep him busy and stop him calling us at 2 AM in a drunken haze to cry about the lack of woodwinds on the recent Burzum album.

Anyway, here’s the first (and hopefully last) in a series of articles called “BlaK Dan Reviews Albums He Hates”…..

Alright, so first of all, I need to tell you that this album sucks.  It’s so obvious that it sucks, I don’t even need to listen to it.  I could feel the suckiness through the latex gloves I used to handle it.  Out of a scale of 1 to 10, it gets a negative 12 billion.  It is meant to sap the spirit of those who fight the battle to remain unscarred by the joy and happiness that goes on around them.  It is a Trojan Bull sent into BlaK Dan’s City of Darkness to try to destroy the China Shop that is his purity.  BlaK Dan will not be fooled!

People like to argue that Metallica sold out when they recorded …And Justice For All or The Black Album or when they did a video for “One”.  This is not true.  Metallica sold out well before the time of their birth.  While James Hetfield’s mother was pregnant with him, she listened to a good amount of Elvis Presley.  Recent research conducted by researchers has conclusively shown that fetuses exposed to Elvis music will become humans who write sucky, sell-out music 98 percent of the time.  James was born to suck.

That drummer who looks like a Muppet is no good either.  What’s his deal?!?!  He strikes me as the type of guy who’s in it to meet women or make money or to be famous or something.  He’s probably got a room in his house filled with nothing but KC and The Sunshine band pictures.  Why does he need all those drums?  He doesn’t even use most of them.  I’ve seen pictures of him smiling, too. If I knew for sure I could keep my Bathory vinyls in prison, I would crush his head with a boulder whilst reading from the Necronomicon.

Like I say, I’d never listen to a Metallica album, but if I did, I bet they have choruses on them.  And melodies.  And harmonies.  And lyrics about feelings.  And songs about how much they cried when their dog ran away when they were eight.  And stuff about how when they were kids people laughed and wouldn’t invite them to birthday parties because they had stupid Gobots instead of Transformers like all the cool kids.  And songs about how personal hygiene is important.  Dumb sucky stuff for losers who buy furniture and go to shopping malls.

I have so far burnt over 300 copies of this album in an attempt to unfoul the universe of smut.  I plan on keeping myself and my pet ferret Varg warm in our cave all winter by the light of this epically sucky piece of suckdom.   A suck free cave with blazing Metallica albums and all the berries and squirrel we can eat.  The way Odin would have wanted it.

, , , , , , , , , , ,

8 Comments

George Clooney Agrees to Buy Bones of Bathory’s Quorthon For 1.6 Million Dollars

george-clooney

In a highly awaited auction, film star George Clooney outbid several other interested collectors for the rights to purchase the bones of former Bathory frontman Quorthon at Southeby’s in London on Friday.  Clooney paid a record 1.6 million dollars for the skeleton, the most ever paid for the remains of a metal artist.

Clooney, a lifelong Bathory fan, felt this was the best way to pay his respects to the band that got him into metal.  “I’ll never forget the day I bought Under The Sign of the Black Mark,” said Clooney with a nostalgic, distant look in his eye, “it was the first time I ever fell in love.”

The purchase of the organs and bones of dead metal artists has become a hobby among Hollywood celebrities of late.  Julia Roberts started the trend last year when she purchased the spinal column and jawbone of Ronnie James Dio for five hundred thousand dollars.  Roberts has already offered two million for the corpse of former Iron Maiden singer Paul Di’Anno, who has not yet died.  Roberts plans to consume the corpse in a stew with several other diehard Maiden fans while listening to the album Killers at her palatial home in Malibu, California.

The bidding war over the corpse of Mayhem and Burzum’s Varg Vikernes reportedly may run over 10 million dollars.  The country of Albania has already expressed interest in buying his lungs and placing them in the town square in the city of Tirana as a potential way to ward off the evil spirits that have plagued that European nation for the past century.

bathory-220861

The recent surge of interest in the band Bathory contributed to the high cost of Quorthon’s bones, which six months ago could have been purchased on Ebay for only four thousand dollars.  However, since last month’s release of the Bathory celebrity tribute album, “It’s Never a Fine Day to Die”, the band has become a household name.  The first single of off the album, a duet version of Necromansy performed by Elton John and Ke$ha, climbed to number 7 on the Billboard chart this week.  Other major Bathory tributes are popping up all across the United States.

Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour proposed a bill to recognize February 17th as Quorthon day in the state “for his contributions to the black metal movement” and Dairy Queen has offered to give anyone free French fries if they bring a copy of “Blood Fire Death” into any of their nearly nine thousand nationwide stores for the next month.

Quorthon’s estate upped the bidding by promising to give a full ten percent of the purchase price to The Salvation Army.  Clooney was thrilled not only to be able to finally caress the femur bone of his favorite vocalist;  he was also happy to be able to help out a good cause in the process.  Salvation Army spokesman Marshall Whitcomb praised the donation and remarked “I haven’t heard much of this Bathory, but my daughter assures me they are great.  We look forward to building churches and community centers around America in Quorthon’s name.”

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

49 Comments

%d bloggers like this: