Posts Tagged Kroger

Nickelback Call Press Conference To Denounce Metal Archives Website For “Sophomoric Prank”

Nickelback

April Fools’ Day hasn’t been all that amusing for platinum selling recording artist Nickelback.  Singer Chad Kroeger woke up to over 23,000 emails written by fans who were confused by the Metal Archives.com April Fools’ Day prank that claimed, among other things, that Kroeger “waxes his chest and shoulders” and that he was “extremely touched” by Metallica’s recent album “Lulu”.  Kroeger and the rest of the band called a press conference at Alberta’s Hilton Hotel ballroom today to set the record straight.

“Okay….first of all, I have never waxed my shoulders.  I waxed my chest once when I pledged Lambda Chi in college.  But, that was it.  The story that has been circulating about me having eyebrow implants is also one hundred percent false,” exclaimed a visibly shaken Kroeger.

“And another thing, the whole story about us playing some NHL concert replacing Bathory.  Bathory for godsakes!  How many records have they sold?  Maybe if you are some lunatic who drinks his mother’s blood and crucifies cats in your basement you might own a Bathory record or two, but most of the people I know don’t really listen to them.  The idea that we would ‘replace’ them, like we are some sort of fill in for a second rate Slayer cover band, is completely absurd,” shouted Kroeger at a room full of shocked reporters.

“And the story about,” Kroeger paused to collect himself as a tear began to stream down his face, “the story about…..the person dying and the crowd saying something like ‘it doesn’t matter, just another dead Nickelback fan’……we love our fans.  Nobody….NOBODY loves the fans more than we do!   A Nickelback concert is like a family.  To imply that our fans, the very blood in our veins…..OUR FANS don’t care about each other.  Disgraceful!”

“I’ve worked my whole life….MY WHOLE LIFE!   To create music….for the people.  To have our record of excellence insulted by a….metal website.  A sophomoric prank that some jobless metalhead vagrant thought was funny.  Well…HAHAHA!  Hysterical.”

“You know….we’ve been through a lot.  When they wouldn’t let us play at the Super Bowl because they said we were nothing more than ‘an amped up boy band’, we were like ‘whatever’.  When haters say hateful things about us being ‘the audio equivalent of experiencing complete spiritual death’ and ‘the worst thing to come into the world since the Bubonic Plague’, we’re like ‘whatever’.  When our parents, OUR OWN PARENTS started telling people their sons worked as morticians rather than admit that were responsible for the song ‘Someday’, we were like ‘cool, whatever’.  But this metal website joke, this is the final straw!”

“So, until Metal Archives prints a full retraction and apologizes to us in person, we are through.  No more catchy lovelorn ballads!  No more rockin’ tracks to get your lady out on the dance floor!  Nothing!  We are through.  You don’t have Nickelback to kick around anymore!”

At that point, Kroeger slammed his microphone onto the table and stormed out of the hotel ballroom with his band in tow.  According to James Franklin, noted Nickelback expert and author of ‘How You Remind Me:  A Fans Guide To The Greatest Canadian Rock Band Since Triumph’ this threat might just be serious.  “You can only push a band so far,” said Franklin after the raucous press conference, “these boys have been unfairly targeted by a smear campaign so awful it would have made Gandhi look like an axe murderer.  How much more do these fellas have to take?”

Editors Note:  As of 9:30 tonight, the Nickelback April Fools’ Day page at Metal Archives has been taken down.  We are, at this moment, unsure of the reason the site has removed the offending material.  So far, we have been unable to reach anyone there for an explanation or comment.

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Desperately Seeking Stupid

“Beware of the hobby that eats.”  -Benjamin Franklin

The modern world can easily be a paradise for the highly committed and deeply disturbed among us.  A person can amuse themselves endlessly with useless acts of rebellion meant to add luster to the dreary, humdrum, day-to-day flatness of life.  Abbie Hoffman once figured out how to obtain a free buffalo from the Department of Interior.  He was a bit more creative than I am.  Having become sick of ending up with piles and piles of junk mail I set my sights on turning this annoyance into an affirmation of the uniquely twisted nature of today’s world.

It all started at Kroger on a rainy Friday afternoon many Octobers ago.  Kroger is a supermarket chain that exists down here in Atlanta, Georgia so that people have a place to go if Publix is too crowded or closed.

I had recently been forcibly removed from the place for getting into a shouting match with three employees over my belief that they were intentionally overcharging me for the 35 boxes of store brand pudding I was trying to purchase.  I was in the mood for mischief, but not the type that would again lead me to being tossed onto the ground and called a “pudding hoarder” by an overzealous store security guard.

At Kroger, you can get a card that, in exchange for surrendering loads of personal information, can help the cagier shoppers among us to save lots of money through special discounts.  Of course, once your information is in their hands who knows where it ends up.  They can sell it to anyone they want.  They can give it to the KGB for all you know.

For fun, I decided that if they were going to get someone’s name, it ought to be The Boston Strangler’s.  So, now when I look in my mailbox and some company is trying to send me coupons for, say, diapers, those coupons are addressed to Mr. Albert DeSalvo.  Kroger and the other litany of corporate octopi that spend thousands of dollars to figure out whether I might buy more or less than 100 dollars worth of Kleenex per year are actually trying to appeal to a maniac who terrified the people of Boston for months on end.  Cracks me up every time.

My fake criminal spree continued at CVS the next day where I signed up for their consumer rewards program as Dr. Jack Kevorkian.  The following is a re-creation of an actual conversation that took place.

CVS Customer Service Agent:  Do you have a CVS card?

Me:  Sure.  Here it is.

Agent:  (swiping card) You saved $3.52 on those cans of formaldehyde Dr. Kevorkian.

Me:  Thanks!

Agent:  Hey.  You are not the famous Dr. Jack Kevorkian are you?

Me:  No.  That’s my brother.

Agent:  Your parents named you both Jack. 

Me:  Yes.  And we are both doctors. 

Agent:   Oh.

If you were to ravage my mailbox, you’d see a regular who’s who list of famed murderers.  Target knows me as Ted Bundy, Hobby Lobby calls me Ed Gein, Iams Dog Food thinks I’m David Berkowitz and The Omaha Steak Company sends their annual Steak of the Month mailing to a connoisseur named Jeff Dahmer.  It’s really rather a strange feeling to see pictures of smiling, deeply contented people in a Macy’s catalogue that has just been sent to Richard “The Night Stalker” Ramirez.

Why does this make me laugh?  I’m not sure. It’s childish, insensitive and really asinine.  Murder is certainly not funny, particularly the sheer perversity of the acts committed by my alter-mail-egos (except, of course, Kevorkian, who really doesn’t belong in this group of sickos).   Maybe it’s a way of trying to make sense of the perpetual flow of slickly produced come-ons that follow me around where ever I look.  Maybe it’s an indicator of my inability to understand the nature of evil.  Maybe I just need another hobby.  It’s hard to say.

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