Posts Tagged Quorthon
Kindergarten Boy Suspended For His Distracting “Burzum” Forehead Tattoo
Posted by Keith Spillett in Pointyheaded Highbrow Stuff on April 10, 2013
When 5-year-old Decrepitude Knudsen showed up at school with the word “Burzum” tattooed on his forehead his fellow kindergarteners thought it was cool. But administrators at the Lieutenant William J. Calley elementary school in Xenia, Ohio deemed the edgy tattoo “completely terrifying “ and “way too Thulean” and ordered him to have it removed before returning to school.
His mom, Quorthena Knudsen, said that school officials suspended her child on Tuesday because the principal and his teachers were a part of the International Zionist Conspiracy. She also claimed there were several kids walking around the school with Ludacris, Matisyahu and Lil B tattoos on their foreheads who haven’t been punished. The school, which considers itself a “wellspring of tolerance” and has taken a “zero tolerance towards individual expression” policy, vehemently denies her claims.
“They all seen his tat and was like ‘you must be into that Germanic neopaganism’” she told WINO-TV in Toledo. “All the kids was comin’ up to him and askin’ if he was a proto-Odinist skinhead.”
Superintendent Peter von Hagenbach says that’s why they had to send little Decrepitude home.
“Our dress and grooming policies were designed to ensure that neo-volkish black metal forehead tattoos do not cause a distraction in class,” von Hagenbach said in a statement.
The school’s handbook clearly states that “No black metal tattoos will be allowed above the shoulders” and specifies that “children should look as if they are carbon copies of one another unless afflicted by some physical condition that causes them to be not as God intended.”
“We can’t possibly expect our school to function unless every single person strives for complete conformity,” von Hagenbach confirmed to WINO, “While we respect his interest in identifying with a movement that, at its core, prizes mind-numbingly stupid adherence to order and authority over everything else, we need him to follow the appropriate social norms. There is no “I” in team, you know?”
While a suspension in kindergarten will only moderately hurt his chances at getting into a good college, many are concerned that his dismissal from the school’s R.O.T.C. program will put him on a path towards lawlessness and poor personal hygiene. “How is he expected to learn important life skills like how to stifle his creativity and how to be indistinguishable from the mob of mindless drones around him if he doesn’t get this sort of training at a young age?” said his grandmother Necromantia Rotmensen.
In 2009, a volunteer football coach at the school wore a full SS uniform to school in an attempt to motivate his team and received no reprimand. When asked about this obvious discrepancy in treatment, Superintendent von Hagenbach commented, “It was obvious that Coach Leucotomy didn’t mean to actually imply support of the Nazis. Rather, he meant to motivate the players to a higher standard of efficiency so that they could be the best they could be. Most importantly, the SS uniform did not disrupt the school day. Some teachers have actually claimed that the students did better on the standardized tests they took in 2009 because of Coach L’s brave stand for the virtues of cleanliness, respect and discipline.”
George Clooney Agrees to Buy Bones of Bathory’s Quorthon For 1.6 Million Dollars
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on July 11, 2011
In a highly awaited auction, film star George Clooney outbid several other interested collectors for the rights to purchase the bones of former Bathory frontman Quorthon at Southeby’s in London on Friday. Clooney paid a record 1.6 million dollars for the skeleton, the most ever paid for the remains of a metal artist.
Clooney, a lifelong Bathory fan, felt this was the best way to pay his respects to the band that got him into metal. “I’ll never forget the day I bought Under The Sign of the Black Mark,” said Clooney with a nostalgic, distant look in his eye, “it was the first time I ever fell in love.”
The purchase of the organs and bones of dead metal artists has become a hobby among Hollywood celebrities of late. Julia Roberts started the trend last year when she purchased the spinal column and jawbone of Ronnie James Dio for five hundred thousand dollars. Roberts has already offered two million for the corpse of former Iron Maiden singer Paul Di’Anno, who has not yet died. Roberts plans to consume the corpse in a stew with several other diehard Maiden fans while listening to the album Killers at her palatial home in Malibu, California.
The bidding war over the corpse of Mayhem and Burzum’s Varg Vikernes reportedly may run over 10 million dollars. The country of Albania has already expressed interest in buying his lungs and placing them in the town square in the city of Tirana as a potential way to ward off the evil spirits that have plagued that European nation for the past century.
The recent surge of interest in the band Bathory contributed to the high cost of Quorthon’s bones, which six months ago could have been purchased on Ebay for only four thousand dollars. However, since last month’s release of the Bathory celebrity tribute album, “It’s Never a Fine Day to Die”, the band has become a household name. The first single of off the album, a duet version of Necromansy performed by Elton John and Ke$ha, climbed to number 7 on the Billboard chart this week. Other major Bathory tributes are popping up all across the United States.
Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour proposed a bill to recognize February 17th as Quorthon day in the state “for his contributions to the black metal movement” and Dairy Queen has offered to give anyone free French fries if they bring a copy of “Blood Fire Death” into any of their nearly nine thousand nationwide stores for the next month.
Quorthon’s estate upped the bidding by promising to give a full ten percent of the purchase price to The Salvation Army. Clooney was thrilled not only to be able to finally caress the femur bone of his favorite vocalist; he was also happy to be able to help out a good cause in the process. Salvation Army spokesman Marshall Whitcomb praised the donation and remarked “I haven’t heard much of this Bathory, but my daughter assures me they are great. We look forward to building churches and community centers around America in Quorthon’s name.”
The Tyranny of Tradition 