Posts Tagged Weird Metal Stuff

I Am A King Diamond’s Disease Survivor

A Picture of Me Getting Ready To Go To My Daughter's Piano Recital

Have you ever found yourself singing the chorus from a King Diamond song at an inappropriate time like in church or at a funeral?  Do you ever wake up with your face covered with strange painted designs without knowing how they got there?  Do you ever find yourself having bizarre urges, like making furniture out of the leg bone of your neighbor?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be one of the nearly 2 million Americans who suffer from King Diamond’s disease.  You are not alone.

King Diamond’s Disease, known to doctors as Bendixitis, claims nearly a thousand new victims a week.  You may see many of these poor souls on the streets, covered in backwards crosses, wandering aimlessly while singing the falsetto chorus to Abigail.  They often struggle to maintain normal lives.  They are your doctors, your teachers, your lawyers and your children’s crossing guards.  I know their pain, because, you see, I am one of them.

My story isn’t different from most KDD survivors.  It started innocently enough.  I’d be in the car on my way to pick up the children from their Tae-Bo class and catch myself howling “Sleeeeeeeplesssss Niiiiiiiightssss” for no reason in particular.  I’d find myself thinking about the King more and more each day.  When I was eating dinner, I wondered what The King might be eating.  When picking out clothing at a shopping mall, my mind would drift to what The King might think about the sweater I was trying on.

Then, one day, I woke up for a critical job interview for the position of Chief Tagalog Translator at The United Nations.  As I was putting the finishing touches on my outfit, I looked in the mirror and staring back at me was a 6 foot 2 stranger in a suit and tie with his face painted just like King Diamond on the Conspiracy album.  I know that I hadn’t painted it myself!  The paint would not wash off no matter what I tried.  Imagine my pain and sadness, sitting in the most important job interview in my entire life, knowing that no employer in their right mind would hire a guy who showed up for a job interview dressed like a demented ghoul.  They laughed at me.  “Don’t call us, we’ll call you,” they sneered.  They simply didn’t understand.

The face paint has never come off.   It’s been three years now.  I’m still unemployed, although I had a brief part time job as a greeter at Wal-Mart until I was fired for supposedly causing the store to be attacked by evil spirits.  My children try their best to understand, but when the other kids make fun of them because their daddy is dressed up for Halloween everyday it hurts their feelings.  The community has shunned me.  I stopped going to church because they kept dousing me with holy water.  Everywhere I go I am an outcast.

There is no known cure for King Diamond’s Disease.  A diet low in orange sherbet can lessen many of the symptoms, but Bendixitis is a lifetime ailment that will never leave you once you have it.  I have found strength in my support group Survivors of An Unmercyful Fate.  We meet once a week and discuss how to live life one day at a time.  I have met a lot of great people in the Atlanta area who suffer like me including my sponsor Joann, a kindergarten teacher who has lived with King Diamond’s disease since she saw the King on The Spider’s Lullabye Tour back in 1995.  Her strength in going through her day trying to teach the alphabet to screaming, crying, terrified children is an inspiration to us all.

With research and time, a cure might be found.  Until that day comes, I will wear my face paint proudly knowing that my “disorder” allows me to have something in common with the greatest vocalist ever to walk the earth.  But still, I long for a day when I can walk down the street without old women cringing and middle aged men asking me to sing them a song about my grandmother.

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George Clooney Agrees to Buy Bones of Bathory’s Quorthon For 1.6 Million Dollars

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In a highly awaited auction, film star George Clooney outbid several other interested collectors for the rights to purchase the bones of former Bathory frontman Quorthon at Southeby’s in London on Friday.  Clooney paid a record 1.6 million dollars for the skeleton, the most ever paid for the remains of a metal artist.

Clooney, a lifelong Bathory fan, felt this was the best way to pay his respects to the band that got him into metal.  “I’ll never forget the day I bought Under The Sign of the Black Mark,” said Clooney with a nostalgic, distant look in his eye, “it was the first time I ever fell in love.”

The purchase of the organs and bones of dead metal artists has become a hobby among Hollywood celebrities of late.  Julia Roberts started the trend last year when she purchased the spinal column and jawbone of Ronnie James Dio for five hundred thousand dollars.  Roberts has already offered two million for the corpse of former Iron Maiden singer Paul Di’Anno, who has not yet died.  Roberts plans to consume the corpse in a stew with several other diehard Maiden fans while listening to the album Killers at her palatial home in Malibu, California.

The bidding war over the corpse of Mayhem and Burzum’s Varg Vikernes reportedly may run over 10 million dollars.  The country of Albania has already expressed interest in buying his lungs and placing them in the town square in the city of Tirana as a potential way to ward off the evil spirits that have plagued that European nation for the past century.

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The recent surge of interest in the band Bathory contributed to the high cost of Quorthon’s bones, which six months ago could have been purchased on Ebay for only four thousand dollars.  However, since last month’s release of the Bathory celebrity tribute album, “It’s Never a Fine Day to Die”, the band has become a household name.  The first single of off the album, a duet version of Necromansy performed by Elton John and Ke$ha, climbed to number 7 on the Billboard chart this week.  Other major Bathory tributes are popping up all across the United States.

Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour proposed a bill to recognize February 17th as Quorthon day in the state “for his contributions to the black metal movement” and Dairy Queen has offered to give anyone free French fries if they bring a copy of “Blood Fire Death” into any of their nearly nine thousand nationwide stores for the next month.

Quorthon’s estate upped the bidding by promising to give a full ten percent of the purchase price to The Salvation Army.  Clooney was thrilled not only to be able to finally caress the femur bone of his favorite vocalist;  he was also happy to be able to help out a good cause in the process.  Salvation Army spokesman Marshall Whitcomb praised the donation and remarked “I haven’t heard much of this Bathory, but my daughter assures me they are great.  We look forward to building churches and community centers around America in Quorthon’s name.”

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