When 5-year-old Decrepitude Knudsen showed up at school with the word “Burzum” tattooed on his forehead his fellow kindergarteners thought it was cool. But administrators at the Lieutenant William J. Calley elementary school in Xenia, Ohio deemed the edgy tattoo “completely terrifying “ and “way too Thulean” and ordered him to have it removed before returning to school.
His mom, Quorthena Knudsen, said that school officials suspended her child on Tuesday because the principal and his teachers were a part of the International Zionist Conspiracy. She also claimed there were several kids walking around the school with Ludacris, Matisyahu and Lil B tattoos on their foreheads who haven’t been punished. The school, which considers itself a “wellspring of tolerance” and has taken a “zero tolerance towards individual expression” policy, vehemently denies her claims.
“They all seen his tat and was like ‘you must be into that Germanic neopaganism’” she told WINO-TV in Toledo. “All the kids was comin’ up to him and askin’ if he was a proto-Odinist skinhead.”
Superintendent Peter von Hagenbach says that’s why they had to send little Decrepitude home.
“Our dress and grooming policies were designed to ensure that neo-volkish black metal forehead tattoos do not cause a distraction in class,” von Hagenbach said in a statement.
The school’s handbook clearly states that “No black metal tattoos will be allowed above the shoulders” and specifies that “children should look as if they are carbon copies of one another unless afflicted by some physical condition that causes them to be not as God intended.”
“We can’t possibly expect our school to function unless every single person strives for complete conformity,” von Hagenbach confirmed to WINO, “While we respect his interest in identifying with a movement that, at its core, prizes mind-numbingly stupid adherence to order and authority over everything else, we need him to follow the appropriate social norms. There is no “I” in team, you know?”
While a suspension in kindergarten will only moderately hurt his chances at getting into a good college, many are concerned that his dismissal from the school’s R.O.T.C. program will put him on a path towards lawlessness and poor personal hygiene. “How is he expected to learn important life skills like how to stifle his creativity and how to be indistinguishable from the mob of mindless drones around him if he doesn’t get this sort of training at a young age?” said his grandmother Necromantia Rotmensen.
In 2009, a volunteer football coach at the school wore a full SS uniform to school in an attempt to motivate his team and received no reprimand. When asked about this obvious discrepancy in treatment, Superintendent von Hagenbach commented, “It was obvious that Coach Leucotomy didn’t mean to actually imply support of the Nazis. Rather, he meant to motivate the players to a higher standard of efficiency so that they could be the best they could be. Most importantly, the SS uniform did not disrupt the school day. Some teachers have actually claimed that the students did better on the standardized tests they took in 2009 because of Coach L’s brave stand for the virtues of cleanliness, respect and discipline.”
#1 by mirkinfirkin on April 10, 2013 - 12:36 PM
Pity about the tat, but at least the school principal is sticking by the principle that work shall free you, motivating his students to march lock step into A Greater Future.
#2 by Keith Spillett on April 11, 2013 - 3:58 AM
Arbeit Macht Dull should be the mantra.
#3 by mirkinfirkin on April 11, 2013 - 12:30 PM
Ein Scheiße für Gehirne!
#4 by Josh Blade on April 10, 2013 - 1:18 PM
I wonder how many people got the Vietnam reference. Great commentary!
#5 by Keith Spillett on April 10, 2013 - 3:09 PM
Thanks man! The references are starting to get too weird. There are a few in here that are just over-the-top bizarre. Sometimes I forget I’m writing an article about metal and start thinking I’m writing Finnegan’s Wake 2.
#6 by Mrs. Pibb on April 10, 2013 - 1:43 PM
I watch WINO-TV! Love it!
#7 by Keith Spillett on April 10, 2013 - 10:05 PM
Beyond the slurred speech of most of the anchors, I think they have the best local news show in the greater Toledo area.
#8 by victoriagrimalkin on April 10, 2013 - 4:28 PM
Uniformity is a quality often ignored and repudiated in today’s culture. Bring on the Thule tutus (black and red only) for every student and make Hanzel und Gretyl mandatory listening for all the kinder.
#9 by Dave on April 10, 2013 - 5:09 PM
Hanzel und Gretyl, huh? And today I was listening to Pro-Pain. All I need is for someone to mention Big Hair and I’ll have an early ’90s Energy Records triple play.
#10 by Keith Spillett on April 10, 2013 - 5:10 PM
Big Hair is in the Big Time!
#11 by Keith Spillett on April 10, 2013 - 10:04 PM
Geesh….I don’t know if I could take that either. If given a choice between Thulean excess and morbid conformity, I think I’ll take coma.
#12 by Keith Spillett on April 11, 2013 - 3:57 AM
#13 by Robert on April 11, 2013 - 3:40 AM
The corrosion of all that is being said is understandable and yet sad. We all have opinions and beliefs yet I am not sure that any one is clear that a child is involved here. I would gladly alow my child to wear any concert shirt believed to be a distraction especially since I am of that erra. Whether it is a Canable Corps shirt or god forbid Justin Bieber, Leave it to clothing not fake or real tatoos
#14 by Universe Number Five on April 11, 2013 - 5:25 AM
It takes a village… no man is an island… screw the clichés… it’s early in the morning… I’m ready for some Dunkelheit Donuts!
#15 by Keith Spillett on April 11, 2013 - 5:36 AM
I thought no man was a village. Or, no man was trapped in the village. Or, I am not a number, I am a free man. Or something.
#16 by Maz on April 30, 2013 - 11:49 AM
Weird. My mom’s name is Quorthena too.
#17 by Keith Spillett on April 30, 2013 - 12:35 PM
Coincidentally, my uncle had that name as well. We just called him “Q”.
#18 by Auston on March 12, 2016 - 1:43 PM
That school sounds like a religion-ran piece of shit. No child should have to think that they can’t express themselves and not have their own identity. This isn’t the 1800’s anymore. I truly do feel for that kid.