A few weeks back, we did an interview with the 2011 Purest Man In Metal Award winner BlaK Dan Krutzmeyer (or xxxxZyr as his friends call him).  What I did not reveal in the initial article was that BlaK Dan is actually my brother-in-law.  About 5 years ago, BlaK Dan received a settlement from Costco after slipping on a wet spot in the cat food aisle and rupturing his spleen.  Instead of spending that money wisely on food and shelter, BlaK Dan invested heavily in Amway products which he has been unable to sell even at steeply discounted prices.

In order to recoup his investment, BlaK Dan has been showing up at our front door at the crack of dawn trying to get me to buy cases of Nutralite Vitamins and 100 count boxes of hand sanitizer.  At first, my wife and I tried to help him or, at least, keep to the terms of the restraining order we have against him.  But BlaK Dan is persistent and we are running out options that don’t involve having some guy named Yuri The Blade drop him into the Atlantic Ocean. I have no use for Amway Products and I am tired of having to deal with the guy, so I told him that I’d pay him if he stays away from our home and writes me a metal album review from time to time.  Maybe the reviews will keep him busy and stop him calling us at 2 AM in a drunken haze to cry about the lack of woodwinds on the recent Burzum album.

Anyway, here’s the first (and hopefully last) in a series of articles called “BlaK Dan Reviews Albums He Hates”…..

Alright, so first of all, I need to tell you that this album sucks.  It’s so obvious that it sucks, I don’t even need to listen to it.  I could feel the suckiness through the latex gloves I used to handle it.  Out of a scale of 1 to 10, it gets a negative 12 billion.  It is meant to sap the spirit of those who fight the battle to remain unscarred by the joy and happiness that goes on around them.  It is a Trojan Bull sent into BlaK Dan’s City of Darkness to try to destroy the China Shop that is his purity.  BlaK Dan will not be fooled!

People like to argue that Metallica sold out when they recorded …And Justice For All or The Black Album or when they did a video for “One”.  This is not true.  Metallica sold out well before the time of their birth.  While James Hetfield’s mother was pregnant with him, she listened to a good amount of Elvis Presley.  Recent research conducted by researchers has conclusively shown that fetuses exposed to Elvis music will become humans who write sucky, sell-out music 98 percent of the time.  James was born to suck.

That drummer who looks like a Muppet is no good either.  What’s his deal?!?!  He strikes me as the type of guy who’s in it to meet women or make money or to be famous or something.  He’s probably got a room in his house filled with nothing but KC and The Sunshine band pictures.  Why does he need all those drums?  He doesn’t even use most of them.  I’ve seen pictures of him smiling, too. If I knew for sure I could keep my Bathory vinyls in prison, I would crush his head with a boulder whilst reading from the Necronomicon.

Like I say, I’d never listen to a Metallica album, but if I did, I bet they have choruses on them.  And melodies.  And harmonies.  And lyrics about feelings.  And songs about how much they cried when their dog ran away when they were eight.  And stuff about how when they were kids people laughed and wouldn’t invite them to birthday parties because they had stupid Gobots instead of Transformers like all the cool kids.  And songs about how personal hygiene is important.  Dumb sucky stuff for losers who buy furniture and go to shopping malls.

I have so far burnt over 300 copies of this album in an attempt to unfoul the universe of smut.  I plan on keeping myself and my pet ferret Varg warm in our cave all winter by the light of this epically sucky piece of suckdom.   A suck free cave with blazing Metallica albums and all the berries and squirrel we can eat.  The way Odin would have wanted it.