Posts Tagged Education

Chicago Teachers Strike After Venom Is Banned From Classrooms

Chicago’s pro-Venom teacher strike has entered its second week with little hope of a quick resolution.  The strike, started by teachers in response to Mayor Rahm Emmanuel’s order to shelve the controversial “Cronos In The Classroom” program, has left parents struggling to find childcare and students ecstatic over not having to be crammed into overcrowded classrooms while being pushed from standardized test to standardized test like a mindless herd of cattle.

Chicago teachers began using Venom songs to help students improve in reading and mathematics.  One unit of the program, “Algebra with Abaddon” teaches 8th graders by using problems like this:  Chuck has 25 human heads collected for the Dark Lord Satan in his basement while Li has only collected 12.  If Li collects 5 heads a month and Chuck only collects 3, when will Li have more heads than Chuck and get to wear the Mark of the Beast?

The program, started by former Flesh Eating Head Wound bassist and 9th grade Chicago public school English teacher Matt Strobe in 2006, was meant to teach basic skills in a way that is fun and engaging.  “Much of what students see in the classroom feels disconnected and alien.  Many of our students are heavily involved in Satan worship and animal sacrifice.  The program was meant to speak to them in a language they understand and can relate to,” declared Strobe during a recent interview with the Chicago Sun Times.

The program was being used in fifteen schools when Emmanuel pulled the plug on it.   In spite of being wildly popular with the students and being cited as a major reason that attendance has dramatically improved, Emmanuel felt the program had to go. “Obviously, there were issues over the content of the Venom songs being used.  Satanic murder rampages are not something a school should endorse.  Still, that wasn’t the main issue.  We stopped the program because test scores in math and reading had declined,” said Emmanuel in a press conference last Monday.

The program has been replaced with one called “Consumer Magic”, a series of units meant to teach test taking skills and breed mindless obedience to authority figures and corporations.  “Consumer Magic” has been tested in several cities and has led to higher test scores and a stronger willingness by students to engage in positive social activities like shopping and repeating what well-educated adults have already said.

For teachers, the end of a program like “Cronos in the Classroom” was enough to send them to the picket line.  One possible compromise is the introduction of a program called “From Bathory to The Boardroom”, a mix of satanic, death-affirming values, corporate ideology and time tested learning strategies.  The program is being considered by both the teachers union and the city and might offer a way out of the current impasse.

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Parenting Stories For Other Parents Who Are Parenting

A Recent Picture of Me Along With My Wife And Two Children

Being a parent of young children can be a frightening experience.  You love them with all of your heart, but you eventually have to send them out into a challenging, scary world in which you are not always around.  As a service to my readers, I’ve been collecting stories mailed in by parents who have had to deal with difficult parenting situations as their children first start school.  Here are some powerful tales of parents who have looked difficult situations in the eye and said “Go away, Difficult Situation.  I don’t like you. You are a jerk.  I hate you, Difficult Situation, and I hope a plague descends on you and your family.”  Hope these stories touch you as deeply as they have me….

My son’s first run in with a bully

 The other day Bernie came home with a sad, scared look on his face.  When I asked him why, he told me that another boy at the school named Jimmy was making fun of him.  I felt so angry at Jimmy!  How dare he do that to my boy!  However, I am a parent now and sometimes it is important to be a rational adult.  After all, I am a role model to Bernie and I want him to understand that simply responding emotionally to every challenge isn’t the right approach.

The next day as I was dropping him off, I had Bernie point the bully out to me.  I made a note of what he looked like then drove home quickly.  I got dressed up in a vampire costume that I had picked up at the local thrift store.  Very frightening outfit!  I covered my face in white paint and smeared fake blood on to my  fake fangs.  Then, I went to the school and hid behind a tree.  When the Pre-K class came out for recess I leaped out from behind the tree and started running right after Jimmy.  He began running away with tears streaming down his face.  I chased him around for a while until I finally cornered him.  As I looked into his terrified face, I said “Nobody messes with Bernie!  No one!!!!”  I think he got the message.  My son has had several kids give him their cookies during snack time and has gotten to get on the swings first everyday since.

-Anna in Cell Block A 

My daughter came home from school wanting a bizarre tattoo

Sure, young children pick up a lot of strange ideas from their friends.  Peer pressure is a major issue that affects all kids, even the youngest among them.  That being said, I was stunned when our 5 year-old daughter Bunny came home last Friday begging to get an inverted cross tattooed into her forehead.  Personally, I’m very open-minded, but this simply was too much for me to handle.  I immediately regretted letting my wife talk me into letting her join the afterschool satanic cult that was being offered at the school from 3 to 4 on Wednesdays.  Clearly, young children should not be exposed to this sort of thing, whether it be at school or in some bizarre 16th Century French dungeon. 

I knew that this was a trouble sign and I responded immediately.  I went up stairs to her room and cast her copy of The Necronomicon into the fire.  I took all of her Anton Lavey posters off the wall and made her put the heads back on her dolls.  Then, I told her she was going to have to listen to records forwards from now on.  Sometimes, being a good parent means having to put your foot down.

-Not Satanic in New Hampshire 

Living With Flippers One Day at a Time

At age 2, my son Barbara began to grow flippers in place of his hands.  Flipperitis is a rare but common disease among young children who have eaten large amounts of tin foil from an early age.  When Barbara was ready to start school, we were concerned the other students would make fun of him.  In order to make sure that he was not teased, we spent several thousands of dollars to train him in several of the martial arts and get him certified in the use of firearms and small explosives.  These weren’t easily skills to learn for a young man with flippers, but through dedication and the use of massive amounts of body altering steroids, Barbara became a threat to the lives of nearly anyone who came within 100 feet of him. 

From Day One, Barbara was the most popular boy in his class.  He is currently captain of the high school swim team and he is only six years old.  Even when he sprouted horns over the Christmas break this year, we barely broke a sweat.  Kids would have to be crazy to mess with him.

-Won’t Be Messed With In Winnepeg

  

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