Posts Tagged annihilator

Pope Francis Introduced As New Singer Of Metal Band Ghost B.C.

heavy-metal-pope

In an attempt to show the modern, more tolerant face of the Catholic Church, the Vatican today announced that Pope Francis would be the new vocalist for the death metal band Ghost B.C. Pope Francis, whose only previous credit on an album come from singing backup vocals on the Annihilator song “Kraf Dinner”, has publically spoken about the “healing and transformative powers of heavy metal music”, but few expected him to actually appear on a metal album.

Ghost B.C. had initially planned to replace current vocalist Papa Emeritus II with a shadowy figure known only as Papa Emeritus III, but when the Vatican reached out and appealed to band to bring the Pope on board in order to bring harmony between “Catholics and hellbound non-believing scum”, the band immediately jumped at the opportunity. Pope Francis will be introduced as the singer during Sweden’s Hellfest in June.

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Pope Francis has distinguished himself in the past by making statements that reflect tolerance towards other faiths and acceptance of people who disagree with the Catholic lifestyle. While beliefs of this sort were thought of as the gateway to eternal damnation by his predecessors, they have helped improve the image of The Church among non-Catholics who are blissfully unaware of what The Church actually thinks about them.

In a recent ABC News/Hormel Meat Corporation Poll, 63 percent of respondents said they believed they would “be very surprised” if the church began torturing and murdering non-believers as it has done throughout much of its past.

This Pope, whose trademark catch phrase “What the Hell do I know, I’m just the Pope?” has become a rallying cry for Catholics around the world who long to become tolerant of the people that they feel an instinctive hatred towards, seems to be doing everything within his power to remind people that The Church is much more than the largest Ponzi scam in human history. He has reached out to Muslims, Jews, sexual deviants and those being punished by God with a life of poverty.

Still, the past two singers of Ghost B.C. have been described as a “Satanic anti-Popes”. What could a Pope, who represents an organization that stands firmly against satanic rituals like birth control, abortion and homosexuality, possibly have in common with the band’s previous singers?

“Well, they all wear funny hats,” quipped Vatican spokesman Tom Torquemada.

The new Ghost B.C. album “Turning The Cross Upside Down” is due out in August.

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Environmentalists Fear New Nuclear Assault Will Lead To Radioactive Tuna; Death of All Living Things

nuclear assault

The tuna industry is reeling from several published reports that a new Nuclear Assault album may be released as early as 2015.  Radioactive tuna from the 2005 Nuclear Assault album “Third World Genocide” has been linked to scores of horrific public health issues around the world.  Environmentalists are calling the latest Nuclear Assault release “the worst potential attack on Mother Nature since DRI released a video for ‘Acid Rain’.”

In California, over two million children have been born with multiple heads since the 2005 Nuclear Assault record hit stores.  These children, known as “Connelly’s Kids”, are prone to violence, have the ability to make objects burst into flame by thinking about them and breathe through gills strategically located on their foreheads.  Gangs of “Connelly’s Kids” recently rampaged through the streets of Sacramento and Bakersfield, eating hundreds of kittens and stealing the toes of elderly citizens in order to make so-called “death necklaces”.

California is not the only place that Nuclear Assault ridden tuna has caused problems.  This winter, Atlanta, Georgia has been slammed by two massive ice storms shut the city down for nearly 10 days and caused a traffic nightmare due in large part to infected tuna.  In 1989, after the release of Nuclear Assault’s magnum opus “Handle With Care”, Guatemala was attacked by hundreds of moth-like creatures capable of turning human beings into bloodthirsty zombies by stinging them.  When “Something Wicked” was released in 1993, a horde of 30,000 flying pigs with bat wings killed everyone in the country of Canada except for members of the band Annihilator and noted director David Cronenberg.

Tuna

Tuna fish are often the size of Volkswagens.  They are a tasty, delicious treat consumed by obnoxious sushi eating 30 somethings who have nothing better to talk about than their previous evening’s meal. A canned form of the wonder fish is often consumed by impoverished Americans who would easily achieve the American Dream if they stopped wasting their time eating and sleeping and spent more time working to improve their lot in life.  Many doctors believe tuna not affected by heavy metals can help people achieve eternal life if eaten on a regular basis.

Scientists fear the new Nuclear Assault could cause a death toll in the millions as well as the destruction of most major cities.  According to Dr. Glenn Evans, a noted expert on the effects of radiation sickness, citizens around the world need to become aware of the calamity that might take place and get together to make a difference.  According to Evans, “Critical mass will be achieved or else we will destroy ourselves.  If we don’t stop this catastrophe from happening, it’s Game Over.”

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