Posts Tagged Van Halen

Did Van Halen Cause Ebola? One Parent Thinks So

Eddie Van Halen, David Lee Roth, What's-His-Name and The Other Guy

David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen Along With Two Other Guys

As Americans come to terms with their current bout with media induced Ebola Fever, one parent is taking a stand against what she believes to be the culprit in the spread of this dreaded disease…the heavy metal band Van Halen. Eleanor Iselin, a concerned mother of two from Nacogdoches, Texas, has taken to the Internet and started a campaign to ban Van Halen’s music from radio stations in order to “save the lives of millions people who have been born and are not born or will never be born.”

Last week, Iselin was sitting in her living room listening to a news update when word of the virus hitting the United States came across the airwaves. Moments later, the very same station played “Drop Dead Legs” by Van Halen. The connection was obvious. God had spoken to her and her mission was clear.

According to Iselin, a three-pack-a-day cigarette smoker who was recently diagnosed with emphysema, the connection between Van Halen and Ebola should be clear “even to the sheeple dumb enough to vaccinate their children for mumps”.

After minutes of research, Iselin was able to determine that the first known outbreak of Ebola took place not in Africa, as many people have claimed, but in Panama in the year 1984. She went on to speculate that the album has been extremely popular in places where the virus has hit the hardest.

“What do Texas, Sarah Leon and Libraria have in common? They have thousands of Van Halen fans! Duh!”

summer_2

A well-placed source in the Van Halen camp confirmed to her that David Lee Roth left the band when he discovered that Ebolized copies of the early Van Halen albums were being distributed. Sammy Hagar, who several websites have speculated created botulism in 1973, was brought in to replace Roth in the hopes of causing agony and suffering for millions of Van Halen fans.

During the years Sammy Hagar was in the band, the virus spread to thousands of new victims, further corroborating Iselin’s argument. Roth was forced to return to the band, in spite of his moral objections, when he lost millions of dollars investing in risky business ventures like the Beefsteak Charlie restaurant chain and The Zubaz Pants Corporation.

Iselin is no stranger to health concerns. Her malnourished children have both recently developed goiters due to iodine deficiencies and rickets from a lack of Vitamin D while her husband Dan was recently was hospitalized after overdosing on hydrocodone prescribed to him in order to deal with the pain associated with his eleventh quadruple bypass surgery.

Yet in spite of the terrible maladies she and her family have suffered through, Eleanor Iselin has soldiered on in her crusade to eradicate what she believes to be the biggest public health threat to Americans today.

One day in the not-so-distant future, with the help of brave people like her, Van Halen Ebola may be a thing of the past.

, , , , , , , ,

25 Comments

Study Finds Listening To Djent Is Potentially Life-Threatening

Max Martin, Djent Sufferer, After Listening To The New Periphery EP

The New England Journal of Otolaryngology, the foremost magazine on ear related issues, released a study on Friday claiming that djent music can lead to several health issues including dizziness, vomiting and the odd compulsion to have more than 20 strings on a guitar.  The study was commissioned last year after 52 people were hospitalized after collapsing at a Meshuggah concert in Silver Springs, Maryland.  Several of the injured were also diagnosed with logherria, a condition marked by incoherent babbling, as well as Fripp’s Disorder, a rare disease that renders people unable to enjoy music unless it is in rare, obscure time signatures.  The journal went on to call djent “the greatest threat to the health of the human ear drum” and went as far as to call for the arrest and caning of Meshuggah frontman Fredrik Thordendal.

While this is the first major study on the physiological effects of djent, several metalhead scientists have been talking about its dangerous effects as far back as 2002.  Survivors of Djent (SOD), a group started for people suffering from djent related symptoms, started as a support group back in 2005.  It currently has over 30,000 members and offers help to people on 12 continents.

The horror stories that each member has are truly sobering.  Bob, a djent survivor from Manhasset, Long Island, remembers the terror that he felt when he found himself at the local music store trying to buy a 78 string bass.  “I barely knew how to play bass but I kept adding strings.  It’s as if I thought that people would see all those strings and think ‘Hey Bob’s a really talented musician’ or ‘Hey Bob has all those strings, it doesn’t really matter that he has leprosy and horrible breath, let’s be his friend’”

Other victims have stories about strange symptoms caused by exposure to djent.  “For some strange reason, I became obsessed with onomatopoeia,” said James, a djent survivor from Des Moines, Iowa, “I stopped using real words and started calling everything by the sound it made.  A gun became ‘click click boom’, my washing machine became ‘junga junga junga’, my car was ‘vrooooooooom screech’ and my daughter was ‘thump thump thump’.  I lost my job, my wife left me and I got kicked out of the Van Halen cover band my friends had formed.  Djent ruined my life.”

Djent Victim Attempts To Play A 238 String Guitar

Djent Victim Attempts To Play A 238 String Guitar

Another common trait among victims is the inability to stop using technical music terms around people who have no idea what they are talking about.  They often struggle to fit this type of talk into their everyday lives with terrible results.  “I told the kids ‘You sound like a damned palm-muted two-octave power chord for Godsakes!’  They all just looked at me like my voice was modulating at 1.6 kilohertz or something,” pronounced Melinda, a frustrated kindergarten teacher from Duluth, Minnesota.

Many doctors believe the recent flood of anti-djent information will help bring America closer to a djent-free future.  Arizona is already discussing a bill to not allow djent to be played in public on Sundays.  In Alabama, where marriage among djent listeners has already been outlawed, a bill is being considered banning the children of djent fans from joining civic organizations like the Boy Scouts.  Several Texas congressmen have even proposed the death penalty for any musician who creates a song that uses the time signature 15/4 or 9/8.   If this study finds a wider audience, it may lead to the end of djent as we know it.

, , , , , , , , ,

38 Comments

%d bloggers like this: