Posts Tagged Salvador Allende

Exclusive: The Secret CIA Plot To Break Up Slayer


The note under my door said “Meet at 3 AM in the parking garage behind the Waffle House.”  I’d received notes like this before and, usually, they either led to great information or some guy in nothing but a trenchcoat asking me if I wanted to hold hands and whisper Carpenters lyrics into each other’s ears.  Typically, these messages came from my high level contact in the CIA, a man who will only let me refer to him in public as Deep Thrombosis.  He’s worked in The Company for many years and has put me onto some of the bigger stories Tyranny of Tradition has broken.  He was the guy who tipped me off to Obama’s drumming on the first Overkill album and Nixon’s plot to assassinate the members of Black Sabbath.

I knew that a night meeting with Deep Thrombosis could be the thing that gets me that Pulitzer Prize I’ve been coveting all these years or even a date with The Great Kat.  However, I was not prepared for the monumental significance of what he was about to tell me.

“Tonight, we are going to pull back the curtain,” whispered Deep Thrombosis while his shifty, beady eyes darted from side to side.  “The information I’m about to give you could bring down the whole circus.  If you print it, be warned, there is a good chance you will end up having a ‘boating accident’ or accidently hanging yourself while trying to install a garage door opener.  And for godsakes, if you print this, you need to promise not to mention you got it from a source in the CIA!  They’ll be able to track it back to me.”

“I will absolutely not mention how I got this information,” I told my CIA source.  “I swear it!”

He proceeded to tell me the most outlandish story I had ever heard.  A story of violence, intrigue and a CIA so out of control that it would go so far as to break up one of the great thrash metal groups of our time.


“The Company had heard some rumors that the next Slayer album was going to be all about drone strikes on Al-Queda bases.  The thing was going to be called “South of Reason”.  Typical longhaired hippie liberal propaganda.  We’d have let Limbaugh handle them except they were going to reveal potential bombing coordinates, out some of our higher level agents, and really turn the metalhead public against the whole ‘secret murder of civilians who have had no trial’ thing.  We couldn’t let it happen.  So we took action.”

“The first part of the plan was to kidnap Kerry King and replace him with an actor who resembled Kerry King.  We have a guy who has done some jobs with us in the past who was a dead ringer for King, a sort of grubby, misshapen fellow who slightly resembled a poorly shaven yeti.  We scooped up the real Kerry and threw him into Guantanamo and told the guards he was actually Osama Bin Laden’s masseuse and to ‘not torture him’ until he gave us any information on the whereabouts of the secret terrorist training camps in Iceland.”

“The guy we are using as Kerry almost gave the thing away during the first show.  He played three or four really great solos, which confused the audience.  Luckily, one of our agents got ahold of him and told him to haphazardly move his whammy bar around really fast when it was his turn to solo and no one would know the difference.  Things went fine after that.”

“We slipped a mind-altering substance into one of Araya’s drinks and, through the power of suggestion, convinced him to start listening to Asking Alexandria.  We figured this would jam up any creativity that was flowing through his head.  Then, we gave a copy of the band’s financial information to Lombardo.  The rest is history.”

“It was our best work since we got rid of Mossedegh in Iran in ’53.  Or Arbenz in Guatemala in ’54.  Or Allende in Chile in ’73.  Or….well, you get the point.”


“The thing is, I’ve begun to realize that this sort of thing is dangerous.  After all, if the CIA can destroy Slayer or overthrow the government of a foreign country or randomly kill civilians who happened to be in the same vicinity as people we believe to be terrorists without the consent of the American people, then what is the point of even calling our country a democracy.”

“I started thinking of what a soulless, unaccountable beast like the CIA could do if it really put its mind to it.  Forcing Exodus to do a ska album?    Getting Testament to hire Michael Bolton as their lead singer?  Letting Janick Gers write all the songs on the next Maiden record?  The possibilities were too horrible to consider.”

“So, I have chosen you to help put a stop to this.  Publish this article tomorrow and remind America that in a democracy, the government needs to be accountable to the people or else they have ceased being a democracy.   That transparency is the only thing that can keep us from becoming a nation capable of any atrocity in the name of opening new markets and exploiting new sources of human capital.  That America should stand for something greater than the principal of bending other, weaker nations to our will.  And that Slayer should start writing stuff that sounds more like it did before Divine Intervention, because honestly, the new stuff hasn’t been all that impressive.  Except for God Hates Us All.  That was pretty cool.”

I heard the sound of a car door slam in the corner of the garage and turned to look at it.  When I looked back, Deep Thrombosis was gone.

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New Book Claims Nixon Considered Assassinating Black Sabbath Members

For years one of the great mysteries in American political history was what President Nixon said in the missing 18-½ minutes of tape that was “accidentally” erased before it was given to investigators.  A new book may just answer that question.

According to Nixon’s story, his personal secretary Rosemary Woods erased the missing section of tape when she was trying to transcribe the details of the conversation for the Watergate Hearings.  In a new book, “Knowing Dick:  My Mother’s Time Under President Nixon”, Petey Woods, Rosemary’s eldest son, claims that she revealed to him that Nixon had detailed discussions about assassinating members of the metal band Black Sabbath on the deleted section of the tape.  He also claimed that his mother was asked by the President to destroy the section because he worried about “a wave of heavy metal coming over to the U.S. from England and spreading lawless, godless communism.”

The book claims, Nixon, who has also been rumored to have encouraged the assassination and overthrow of Salvador Allende in Chile, wanted to see a similar fate for Bill Ward, Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler.  Nixon was much less concerned about Ozzy, who he felt was a drag on the talents of the rest of the band.  However, Nixon was concerned that “Sabbath might go ahead and get someone like that fellow Dio from the band Elf.  Then, they’d all have to go or they’d be unstoppable.”

Nixon believed the CIA could be enlisted in plans to get rid of Sabbath.  “After all, we used them to overthrow Mossadegh in Iran and Arbenz in Guatemala.  They helped get rid of Trujillo in the Dominican Republic, Diem in Vietnam and Patrice Lumumba in the Congo.  They even tried to kill Castro 8 times for god sakes.  Getting rid of a bunch of angry, power-chord obsessed Brits should be no trouble whatsoever for the boys over at Langley.”

“The President was deeply concerned about the potential dangers of a style of music that loud and that intense,” says Woods in his book.  Apparently, most of the 18-½ minutes is an anti-metal rant that featured the President raving about the future of metal.  “Eventually they’ll be bands that play a style called speed or thrash metal.  They’ll have names like Slayer and Demolition Hammer and they will corrupt the young.  I can envision a world where kids run into each other in a dance they like to call “moshing”.  They’ll be encouraged to kick their friend in the head and have a ball.  Is this the type of America you want, Haldeman?”

One of the most shocking revelations about the tapes is Nixon’s Nostradamus-like ability to accurately predict the path of heavy metal.  At one point, he allegedly referred to a style of metal from Scandinavia that he believed would be called “bleak metal” and would feature band members wearing corpse paint and playing fast, angry metal filled with high pitched screams. He then allegedly went into graphic detail about his concern that there might be a so-called “death metal” scene in Florida in the early 1990s where bands like Death and Morbid Angel “could completely warp the minds of an entire generation with satanic imagery and blast-beat drumming.”

Nixon even went as far as saying that if Black Sabbath isn’t killed, we’d see a future with bands like “Suffocation, Pig Destroyer, and Goatwhore telling our kids god knows what”.  By “taking out Sabbath”, Nixon believed he could strike a final and decisive blow against the forces of heavy metal.  “All we need are a few bullets, a little arsenic in their beer and a car bomb or two. Then the kids will start listening to positive stuff like Anita Bryant and Bing Crosby again.  And just what the hell is a Goatwhore anyway?”

However, if Sabbath was successful in their metal mission young people would “fall like dominos” and eventually America would be filled with a majority of “black tee-shirt clad, long-haired maniacs who live to thrash all night and sleep all day.”

Later in Nixon’s life, he slowly began to accept heavy metal and even was rumored to have listened to Pantera’s “Cemetery Gates” on his deathbed.  However, his willingness to use the power of the Presidency to kill members of a heavy metal band is deeply troubling for the remaining twenty or so Americans who believe that America doesn’t have the right to go around the world murdering people who are a perceived threat.

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