Posts Tagged Nixon

Tyranny of Tradition Is A Real Website!!!

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There have been a great number of allegations thrown at Tyranny of Tradition over the past few days.  While our record for jurnalismcore integrity should stand on its own, as leader of this vast and unimpeachable media empire, I felt it necessary to respond in order to make sure that the public understands the depths to which we will plunge to in order to expose the truth.

In an article written by Grimlock Von Myxlplyx, Edward-In-Chief of the anti-American, freedom-hating, infant-killing tabloid Universe Number Five, it is claimed that Tyranny of Tradition has printed several articles that are untrue.  If I’ve learned anything from watching American politics, it is that we must first attack and slander the source of these lies, then, if we have time left over, address the charges.  For, if you, the public, are able to see that the person making these charges has ever lied or done anything wrong in their entire lives, you will believe nearly anything I have to say.

First, you should know that Grimlock Von Myxlplyx is not even the real name of the fellow over at Universe Number Five.  In reality, his name is Dr. Oystein Von Deafendorfer.  He uses a cryptic assumed name because he is wanted in several states, as well as the country of Angola, for robbing ferrets from pet stores using a bayonet.  Second, while he may be a “doctor”, his degree from Oxford University is in Rabbit Cloning.  He is certainly not an expert in jurnalismcore and is in no position to critique our rigorous ethical standards.

His website has claimed things that are completely preposterous. In 2012, they claimed that the band Dying Fetus plagiarized the song “From Womb To Waste” from the 1966 Isley Brothers classic “Baby Don’t You Do It”.  The independent law firm of Nixon, Rosewater, and Eichmann determined conclusively BEFORE the article was written that it was actually stolen from The Brothers Johnson’s 1977 hit single “Strawberry Letter #23”.  No mention of this was made in Dr. Deafendorfer’s article!  You call that jurnalismcore?!?!

Further, Universe Number Five is actually a front organization for Al-Qaeda.  Most of the articles are written in a complex code, that, when translated into Yiddish, reveal critical, top-secret information on the location of important American celebrities like Dyan Cannon, George Kennedy and Lisa Marie Presley, all of whom have been considered targets for assassination by Islamic extremists.  Finally, Dr. Deafendorfer has admitted to me on several occasions that he does not like Slayer.

Just so you, the public, are clear, Tyranny of Tradition is the finest and most truthful source of jurnalismcore on this planet.  We have a staff over 9,000 fact-checkers who steadfastly comb through each article in order to ensure that every word printed is completely, one hundred and fifty thousand percent true.  Before an article reaches your eyes, it has been inspected by some of the top trained editors on the planet from some of the most prestigious universities including Harvard, Yale and University of Phoenix.  Our site has received hundreds of thousands of awards including the coveted Charles R. Ponzi Award For Truth back in 2008.

I often see comments attached to Tyranny articles saying things like “Dude, you know Tyranny of Tradition is a fake website, right?”  These words make me the most angry, because Tyranny IS a real website.  We have a URL address for godsakes!  If you look at your computer screen the site is REALLY there.  I am not a magician.  I can’t go to your house, get inside your brain and make you see things that don’t exist.

I know the Tyranny of Tradition is real because it is, in fact, made of molecules.  Now, I know molecules aren’t important to the people of this generation, but I come from a time when molecules really meant something.  To slander molecules by claiming they are not real is an insult to myself, my family and those who have served in the armed forces to protect American molecules from the invasion of foreign molecules.

I leave you with the words of my colleague, the esteemed scholar and quote writer Ralph Waldo Emerson.  When Mr. Emerson was asked what he thought of our fine website he simply shook his head and replied “Tyranny of Tradition is the truth, the American public is the illusion.”

Yours in Truth, Justice and The American Way,

Reverend Keith Spillett

Edguy-In-Chief

Tyranny of Tradition

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New Book Claims Nixon Considered Assassinating Black Sabbath Members

For years one of the great mysteries in American political history was what President Nixon said in the missing 18-½ minutes of tape that was “accidentally” erased before it was given to investigators.  A new book may just answer that question.

According to Nixon’s story, his personal secretary Rosemary Woods erased the missing section of tape when she was trying to transcribe the details of the conversation for the Watergate Hearings.  In a new book, “Knowing Dick:  My Mother’s Time Under President Nixon”, Petey Woods, Rosemary’s eldest son, claims that she revealed to him that Nixon had detailed discussions about assassinating members of the metal band Black Sabbath on the deleted section of the tape.  He also claimed that his mother was asked by the President to destroy the section because he worried about “a wave of heavy metal coming over to the U.S. from England and spreading lawless, godless communism.”

The book claims, Nixon, who has also been rumored to have encouraged the assassination and overthrow of Salvador Allende in Chile, wanted to see a similar fate for Bill Ward, Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler.  Nixon was much less concerned about Ozzy, who he felt was a drag on the talents of the rest of the band.  However, Nixon was concerned that “Sabbath might go ahead and get someone like that fellow Dio from the band Elf.  Then, they’d all have to go or they’d be unstoppable.”

Nixon believed the CIA could be enlisted in plans to get rid of Sabbath.  “After all, we used them to overthrow Mossadegh in Iran and Arbenz in Guatemala.  They helped get rid of Trujillo in the Dominican Republic, Diem in Vietnam and Patrice Lumumba in the Congo.  They even tried to kill Castro 8 times for god sakes.  Getting rid of a bunch of angry, power-chord obsessed Brits should be no trouble whatsoever for the boys over at Langley.”

“The President was deeply concerned about the potential dangers of a style of music that loud and that intense,” says Woods in his book.  Apparently, most of the 18-½ minutes is an anti-metal rant that featured the President raving about the future of metal.  “Eventually they’ll be bands that play a style called speed or thrash metal.  They’ll have names like Slayer and Demolition Hammer and they will corrupt the young.  I can envision a world where kids run into each other in a dance they like to call “moshing”.  They’ll be encouraged to kick their friend in the head and have a ball.  Is this the type of America you want, Haldeman?”

One of the most shocking revelations about the tapes is Nixon’s Nostradamus-like ability to accurately predict the path of heavy metal.  At one point, he allegedly referred to a style of metal from Scandinavia that he believed would be called “bleak metal” and would feature band members wearing corpse paint and playing fast, angry metal filled with high pitched screams. He then allegedly went into graphic detail about his concern that there might be a so-called “death metal” scene in Florida in the early 1990s where bands like Death and Morbid Angel “could completely warp the minds of an entire generation with satanic imagery and blast-beat drumming.”

Nixon even went as far as saying that if Black Sabbath isn’t killed, we’d see a future with bands like “Suffocation, Pig Destroyer, and Goatwhore telling our kids god knows what”.  By “taking out Sabbath”, Nixon believed he could strike a final and decisive blow against the forces of heavy metal.  “All we need are a few bullets, a little arsenic in their beer and a car bomb or two. Then the kids will start listening to positive stuff like Anita Bryant and Bing Crosby again.  And just what the hell is a Goatwhore anyway?”

However, if Sabbath was successful in their metal mission young people would “fall like dominos” and eventually America would be filled with a majority of “black tee-shirt clad, long-haired maniacs who live to thrash all night and sleep all day.”

Later in Nixon’s life, he slowly began to accept heavy metal and even was rumored to have listened to Pantera’s “Cemetery Gates” on his deathbed.  However, his willingness to use the power of the Presidency to kill members of a heavy metal band is deeply troubling for the remaining twenty or so Americans who believe that America doesn’t have the right to go around the world murdering people who are a perceived threat.

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