Posts Tagged Dokken
When 49-year-old Charlie Ronce first heard Dokken’s seminal metal record “Tooth and Nail”, he knew loved it. Now, thanks to a 5-4 decision by the United States Supreme Court, he has the right to marry it.
As predicted by conservative pundits and politicians, the Supreme Court’s decision to allow gay marriage has opened the floodgates to all sorts of marriages between men and inanimate objects. In Paraphiliacs United vs. Cleaver, the court ruled that Ronce and any other depraved weirdo can do whatever the hell they want, anytime they want, to anything to they want without facing any repercussions whatsoever.
Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote the landmark decision, which has cleared the way for an orgy of godless, disgraceful acts that will bring a quick, painful end to the existence of the United States of America. “No love is more profound than the love of a man for whatever gets him off. Now, go do whatever sick, disgusting stuff comes to mind without regard to decency or hygiene. It is so ordered,” wrote Kennedy in words that will forever embolden perverts everywhere.
Ronce’s courtship of “Tooth and Nail” began when he purchased the album at a Sam Goody in Yonkers, New York in 1985. He casually dated the album at first, still having relations with other albums including Kix “Blow My Fuse” and Sleeze Beez “Screwed, Blued and Tattooed”. However, by the 1990s, he found himself connecting to “Tooth and Nail” on a spiritual level and wanted to demonstrate his deep, abiding commitment to it.
He proposed to his copy of the album on a trip to Hawaii in 1994 after Don Dokken himself autographed it in the Honolulu Airport. Ronce then began his mission to have a court somewhere in America sanction his fetishistic love of the record. Today, his struggle for the right to do something that no sane person would really ever bother trying to do has been validated.
Conservative Justice Antonin Scalia wrote a scathing dissent, but was unable to read it because police detained him after he leaped across the bench and lunged at Justice Kennedy’s throat with a penknife. Scalia’s opinion contained nearly 50 references to the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, talked at length about how much he hated the song “Just Got Lucky” and ended with the words “Drop The Bomb – Exterminate Them All!” scrawled in blood at the bottom of the page. Scalia was released later in the day on his own recognizance.
The American Psychiatric Association announced today that they have classified a new mental illness known as David Coverdale’s Disorder. DCD is a disorder named for Whitesnake frontman David Coverdale, and it is characterized by a high degree of salaciousness and narcissism that can be devastating to affected individuals.
The APA has published a list of associated symptoms and encourage people who suspect they may have DCD to contact a mental health professional right away. Males 35-45 are considered the highest risk group.
- Relentless sexual arousal, regardless of the circumstances
- Uncontrollable sweating
- A hugely inflated sense of self
- Compulsive use of double entendres or innuendo
- Kissing with tongue exclusively, including family members
- Increased cheesiness
- A tendency to walk the streets at night (also associated with Dokken’s Syndrome)
- Strong attraction to torrid situations
- High saliva production
- Leathery skin
- Body odor that mimics cologne or body spray
- Excessive smugness
- A penchant for medallions
As of yet, no single course of treatment for this disorder is proven, though members of the health community expect that its effects are reduced through aging or an acrimonious split with Tawny Kitaen.