Danzig To Fight All Americans on August 1st

danzig_cake-1 Glenn Danzig has had enough!

For years, Americans have mocked him. They giggled at his bluesy, Elvis-like vocal style. They chortled at the novelty of a man nearly 60 years old still attempting to fit into muscle shirts. They created hundreds of thousands of memes with him carrying kitty litter to his car. They howled watching the guy from the Northside Kings knock him senseless.

Now, Danzig will make them pay. danzig-200-110711-1320690833 At exactly 10 o’clock this morning Danzig issued an official statement from his castle on the outskirts of Lodi, New Jersey throwing down the proverbial mesh shirt and challenging anyone who wants to poke fun at him to no-holds-barred battle for survival. Danzig has stated that on August 1st at noon he will be behind the Wawa in Hoboken and willing to fight all comers.

“I told your children not to walk my way. I told your children to hear my words. What they mean. What they say,” read Danzig’s Press Secretary and former Nixon aide Ron Ziegler from a somewhat incoherent prepared statement written by the famed vocalist.

The throng of reporters gathered in front of the moat surrounding Danzig’s famed Castle Liberskull looked on incredulously as Ziegler continued.  “They laugh and they laugh. Silly little puppets dancing on their silly little strings. AHHHAAHHAAAAA…look…Danzig’s buying an ordinary consumer item that all cat owners have purchased at one time or another. He’s a normal person.”

“Or…HAAAAHAAAA… some guy from some band that no one has ever heard of sucker punched Danzig and he slipped on a wet spot on the floor and fell. He’s no superior being. He’s a mortal. Like me. Well…meet me at the Wawa at high noon on August 1st and we’ll see who the superior being is.” Danzig-590x393 Danzig has hired boxing trainer extraordinaire Freddie Roach to train him to fight the mob of hundreds of thousands of so-called “internet trolls” who are reportedly ready to descend on Hoboken in order to get their shot at knocking out a heavy metal legend.

Roach was an odd choice for Danzig, considering he’s an expert in training fighters like Manny Pacquiao for one-on-one combat, but has never prepared a man to simultaneously fight the population of a medium sized American city. Still, Danzig is confident that the training regiment Roach has prepared for him, which features regular sparring against a pack of feral wolves Danzig keeps locked up in his basement, will ready him to destroy all in his way.

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  1. #1 by tadcuper on June 18, 2015 - 7:39 PM

    I’m there but, I ain’t fighting…just to get some serious footage!

  2. #2 by Ambrose Mugwump on June 19, 2015 - 4:10 AM

    Let’s just hope Glenn remembers to duck this time.

  3. #3 by joe on July 20, 2015 - 7:03 PM

    It was luck and Glenn slipped, for those of u that don’t know Glenn danzig is a black belt in jeet kun do the style taught by Bruce lee and Glenn even knows the death punch 👊 me I’m rooting for Glenn ya he is sixtyish that’s why wants to train to keep upper hand incase of fighting multiple people

    • #4 by Frank M on August 2, 2015 - 1:32 AM

      trolololol nice try though

  4. #5 by thefirstdark on July 21, 2015 - 7:56 PM

    Reblogged this on The Darkness in the Light.

  5. #6 by hahahha on July 22, 2015 - 10:42 PM

    Would like to see him try, I seen the lead singer of NorthSide kings drop this pos like a bag of *****.

    Danzig can’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag.

  6. #8 by kyle korpcp kowalewski on August 1, 2015 - 11:13 PM

    I hope you destroy any and all fools who actually think you something or someone less then that which you truly are Danzig.an immortal godhead of your own path.rock on brother

  1. GLENN DANZIG V. THE INTERNET (PART FOUR) PARODIES, MASH-UPS, AND CONSPIRACY THEORIES – the void report

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