Posts Tagged Henry Winkler
Blue Oyster Cult Members Beat Heckler Into A Coma With Cowbell
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 9, 2014
It all started innocently enough with a Saturday Night Live sketch featuring Christopher Walken back in 2000. Since then, the Blue Oyster Cult have been besieged by swarms of people all shouting the same thing “More Cowbell”. At first, the band enjoyed all the attention. “We thought it was hysterical,” said Cult front man Eric Bloom, “we were huge Walken fans and loved the whole cowbell thing.”
As time has worn on, the sheer repetition of the same joke has taken its toll. Bloom cannot go anywhere without hearing the same joke over and over. “I go to the supermarket and am in the frozen food aisle. Some fool runs by me and yells “More Cowbell”. I go to the 10 items or less checkout line…some idiot behind the register yells “Here’s your change….More Cowbell!!!”
“It happens everywhere. I’m at my proctologist the other day and the guy keeps shouting “More Cowbell” during my exam. At funerals, people come up to me as I’m leaning over the casket and shout ‘More Cowbell’.
“We are basically this generation’s Fonzi, with everyone coming up with their thumbs up shouting ‘Ayyyyyyy!’. It’s no wonder Henry Winkler got up on that bell tower and shot all those people.”
“Do you know how many bad Christopher Walken impersonations I’ve heard in the last month? 500 or 600, easily,” said Buck Dharma, the band’s lead guitarist. “We loved the attention at first, but people just won’t stop. The other day, somebody spray-painted “More Cowbell” on our family’s Labrador retriever!”
“Everybody wants to be part of the same joke. Everybody wants to prove they get the same stupid cultural reference. Everybody wants to be laughed at. Everybody should be covered head to toe in boils and left in the sun to rot.”
At a concert on Tuesday night in Akron, Ohio, things got out of control. The audience began screaming “More Cowbell” at the opening act “Yah Mo B There”, a local Michael McDonald cover band. Before Blue Oyster Cult came onstage the crowd chanted “More Cowbell” for nearly an hour. During every single song, the audience howled “More Cowbell” accompanied by raucous laughter.
Bloom was progressively becoming more annoyed. “We are doing ‘Harvester of Eyes’, they kept shouting it. We are doing “Career of Evil”…same thing. “Burnin’ For You”….again and again. Endlessly. We pleaded for them to stop, but they kept going.”
One fan, Zelmo Beaty, shouted the same line in a Christopher Walken voice for the duration of the show nonstop. The band had heard enough. They decided to take action.
They leaped from the stage taking drummer Jules Radino’s cowbell, held Beaty and took turns beating him over the head for five minutes the instrument, Dharma was heard shouting “How funny is it now?!!! You want anymore cowbell?!!!!” as security wrestled the bloodied cowbell from his hand.
Beaty emerged from his coma on several occasions rambling about how funny he thinks Jimmy Fallon is, how much he loved the Hunger Games series and how he thought Miley Cyrus’ public display of twerking was inappropriate.
No charges have been filed against the band by local law enforcement.
According to Akron Sheriff Will Kane, “This sort of violence is not normally tolerated in our community, but in this case, we can really understand. In America, people say the same ten things over and over again. No creativity. No originality. Just the same stupid lines ad nauseum. What The Blue Oyster Cult did was wrong, but can you really blame them?”
Highlights From Albert Einstein’s Address to Congress On March 21, 1937
Posted by Keith Spillett in Pointyheaded Highbrow Stuff on February 24, 2014
Many people remember Albert Einstein as the father of modern zoology, the inventor of the Kangol hat and the guy who posed for all of those Apple ads, but he was so much more. He invented the Theory of Relativity, which outlawed marriage between a brother and sister, and came up with a formula for a diet soft drink so tasty it could not be distinguished from a regular cola. He inspired many great leaders, including fight promoter Don King, who borrowed his trademark hairstyle as homage to the fallen scientist.
Einstein made many speeches. Often, they were in front of audiences, but he was also extremely talented at communicating with animals and once did an hour-long speech on hypothetical calculus to a teary-eyed den of mountain lions on the outskirts of Inner Mongolia. Probably Einstein’s most famous speech is the one he gave to Congress in March of 1937. Communism, fascism and fashion trends like the jaunty mustache were on the march in Europe and China had been broken by a band of willful 6 year-olds who had gained access to the top shelf of the cabinet in the dining room. Einstein saw what the world was becoming and issued this dire warning to the elected representatives of the people of the United States.
“My fellow Americans. Today I come to philosophize with a hammer instead of a Bunsen burner. My mind, weakened and tainted by the impurity of booze and fast women, is still capable of envisioning a way in which our world cane become a better world for our children. And our children’s children. And their children. Along with their great grandchildren. And the children who emerge from the wombs of those children. On and on south of heaven.”
“Where was I? Ah… A man becomes preeminent; he is expected to have enthusiasms. (Pause) Enthusiasms (Longer pause) Enthusiasms. (Really long pause) What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which brings me joy? (Pulls out a baseball bat and holds it over his head) Socialism! Godless, freedom killing, spirit destroying, human-bondage creating, wealth redistributing, nation wrecking, mind-erasing socialism. I dream every night of dragging the rich landowners into the street and stomping their faces into hamburger. But all this is not important. Today, I am here to talk about peace.”
“Many people have predicted that World War III would be really bad. Terrible. Awful. I mean, really bad. As a really, extremely smart person, I want to be clear that I too agree that war would cause both death and destruction. Because I am smart, I am able to go into a laboratory and build a portal into the future. I have done this. I have seen things. Bad things. Bats eating the gizzards of children. Children feeding children to other children. And why? War! War, ladies and gentlemen…what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again y’all!” (Members of Congress shout “Good God” in unison)
“As I emerged from the portal, a giant talking eagle perched on my shoulder and whispered into my ear. Eagles are wise birds. They are the only animal in nature besides man that are capable of taking vast fields of energy, converting them into laser form and using them to melt the faces of their rivals. This wise old bird told me something I’ll never forget. Here is what he said…
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. And I know not what weapons World War IV will be fought with, but chances are after the whole destruction of society bit plays itself out, humans will be able to once again be able to rearm and create shiny new weapons of doom in order to fight World War V.”
“And I know not what weapons World War V will be fought with, but I’m assuming at this point, for World War VI, humans would be advanced enough to create giant clouds of ice that would rain flesh severing hail on all the cities of the people they hate the most. And if World War VI be fought that way, World War VII probably will be fought by cybernetic beings capable of flaying the flesh off of an entire nation with the blink of an eye.”
“And if World War VIII is fought that way, aliens will probably come into the picture for World War IX because earth is the only planet remaining in the universe that has water, an element vital in the creation of alien hover boards and automated Chinese food buffets. And World War X will probably be fought in space by planet-sized computers.”
“This will lead to World Wars XI though XVI, which will use technology that is so advanced my eagle brain and mouth are not capable of articulating what will happen. But, seriously…it will be awful. Not kidding.”
“World War XVII will actually be a period of 1000 years of peace intended to cause great suffering among the billions of people who seem to rejoice at killing billions of other people. Then, the great peace will be broken by World War XVIII, a reenactment of World War VII performed by a group of talented actors in the foothills of North Carolina. It will initially be meant to entertain survivalists and other fans of war, but it will morph into a 10 yearlong brutal, barbaric struggle control of a picture of actor Henry Winkler.”
“World War IXX will be fought from flying cars equipped with Gatling guns. World War XX, The Platinum Anniversary War, will be the war to end all wars because Romans only came up with numbers up to twenty.”
“And this is why I, as probably the smartest person you will ever come in contact, with urge you to stop making other people die. Because even if they are complete idiots, they can still recognize both pain and the absence of being alive. And no one deserves that. Even Germans.”