Blue Oyster Cult Members Beat Heckler Into A Coma With Cowbell

MoreCowbell

It all started innocently enough with a Saturday Night Live sketch featuring Christopher Walken back in 2000. Since then, the Blue Oyster Cult have been besieged by swarms of people all shouting the same thing “More Cowbell”. At first, the band enjoyed all the attention. “We thought it was hysterical,” said Cult front man Eric Bloom, “we were huge Walken fans and loved the whole cowbell thing.”

As time has worn on, the sheer repetition of the same joke has taken its toll. Bloom cannot go anywhere without hearing the same joke over and over. “I go to the supermarket and am in the frozen food aisle. Some fool runs by me and yells “More Cowbell”. I go to the 10 items or less checkout line…some idiot behind the register yells “Here’s your change….More Cowbell!!!”

“It happens everywhere. I’m at my proctologist the other day and the guy keeps shouting “More Cowbell” during my exam. At funerals, people come up to me as I’m leaning over the casket and shout ‘More Cowbell’.

“We are basically this generation’s Fonzi, with everyone coming up with their thumbs up shouting ‘Ayyyyyyy!’.  It’s no wonder Henry Winkler got up on that bell tower and shot all those people.”

“Do you know how many bad Christopher Walken impersonations I’ve heard in the last month? 500 or 600, easily,” said Buck Dharma, the band’s lead guitarist. “We loved the attention at first, but people just won’t stop. The other day, somebody spray-painted “More Cowbell” on our family’s Labrador retriever!”

“Everybody wants to be part of the same joke. Everybody wants to prove they get the same stupid cultural reference. Everybody wants to be laughed at. Everybody should be covered head to toe in boils and left in the sun to rot.”

Blue-Oyster-Cult

At a concert on Tuesday night in Akron, Ohio, things got out of control. The audience began screaming “More Cowbell” at the opening act “Yah Mo B There”, a local Michael McDonald cover band. Before Blue Oyster Cult came onstage the crowd chanted “More Cowbell” for nearly an hour. During every single song, the audience howled “More Cowbell” accompanied by raucous laughter.

Bloom was progressively becoming more annoyed. “We are doing ‘Harvester of Eyes’, they kept shouting it. We are doing “Career of Evil”…same thing. “Burnin’ For You”….again and again. Endlessly. We pleaded for them to stop, but they kept going.”

One fan, Zelmo Beaty, shouted the same line in a Christopher Walken voice for the duration of the show nonstop. The band had heard enough. They decided to take action.

They leaped from the stage taking drummer Jules Radino’s cowbell, held Beaty and took turns beating him over the head for five minutes the instrument, Dharma was heard shouting “How funny is it now?!!! You want anymore cowbell?!!!!” as security wrestled the bloodied cowbell from his hand.

Beaty emerged from his coma on several occasions rambling about how funny he thinks Jimmy Fallon is, how much he loved the Hunger Games series and how he thought Miley Cyrus’ public display of twerking was inappropriate.

No charges have been filed against the band by local law enforcement.

According to Akron Sheriff Will Kane, “This sort of violence is not normally tolerated in our community, but in this case, we can really understand. In America, people say the same ten things over and over again. No creativity. No originality. Just the same stupid lines ad nauseum. What The Blue Oyster Cult did was wrong, but can you really blame them?”

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  1. #1 by dmr226 on June 9, 2014 - 1:43 PM

    It should also be legal to viciously attack anyone doing Monty Python bits in cheesy, fake British accents.

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on June 9, 2014 - 1:58 PM

      YES!!! I’d vote for a Presidential candidate if that were the one issue they discussed.

  2. #3 by Kirth Gersen on June 9, 2014 - 2:35 PM

    Do you know what – I don’t think you’re being entirely truthful about the “Akron Incident”…

    OK, I admit, I only realised it when you said they’d played “Harvester of Eyes”…

    But you’re right about the “More Cowbell” comments, of course – that not only really gets my goat, but also bends it over and rams a large cowbell up it’s arse…

    And here’s the sacrilege: I don’t actually think that SNL sketch was particularly funny in the first place – surreal, maybe – especially for BOC fans – and the band members themselves, but how the hell did it take on such a cultural significance? Where did THAT come from…?

    • #4 by Keith Spillett on June 9, 2014 - 3:35 PM

      I was happy they mentioned BOC on Saturday Night Live at the time. It was very cool. But America beats a joke to death like no other culture. I’m a huge fan of the band and really admire their songwriting skills. When I bought my last car, the way I paid tribute to owning it was “Fire of Unknown Origin” from beginning to end driving around.

      You can’t have a conversation about them with anyone without the eventual “More Cowbell” reference. Everything has to be turned into a communal joke that we can all be a part of. The global village is a hellish nightmare of repetition that even Dante couldn’t have dreamed up.

  3. #5 by jerry bertschy on June 9, 2014 - 3:39 PM

    Good for BOC. hardrock would be at a different kilter without them. There will never be 5 lead guitarist on the same stage ever again. RIP Al.And fock you C.W.

  4. #7 by lew on June 12, 2014 - 5:08 PM

    They had the name of the band members wrong. There has been other songs with cowbell. I took a lot of joking from friends because they knew I was a big fan of the band. Snl is so stupid and i ignore the show completely! In the 70’s the show was funny. When twits like lyndsay lohan and miley Cyrus host the show it shows how desparate they are for entertement. Snl-do us boc fans a favor and let boc play reaper on your show.

  5. #8 by blus murah on October 19, 2014 - 11:02 PM

    Yes! Finally something about beli blus.

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