Rioting and looting continues to rage in Ferguson, Missouri as pro-Robin Williams miscreants destroy high quality consumer products in the hopes of avenging “the worst American tragedy since the death of Michael Jackson”.
The riots, triggered by the suicide of the beloved star of “Toys” and “Patch Adams”, looked to be quelled earlier in the week when city officials agreed to play “Jumanji” at a local theater for 24 consecutive hours offering the really bad people who are destroying things free admission. However, the malcontents began to riot again when it was announced that reruns of “Mork and Mindy” would no longer be played on Nick at Night.
According to community organizer and rioter Ralph Parsons, “we considered several non-violent tactics to bring awareness to this crisis. We thought about marching on city hall or even boycotting belts. However, when something of this magnitude takes place, drastic actions are needed.”
The godless heathens, who just break stuff because they are bitter about their inability to succeed in a country where you can do anything you want if you just work hard, have begun a recent spree of burning down Quik Trip (QT) convenience stores. The National Guard has been called in to protect the wonderful array of coffees and fresh baked goods offered at low prices to an adoring public.
Parsons, who was recently laid off and lost his home because of his laziness and poor hygiene, believes that the media’s coverage of the riots has been highly inaccurate.
“I keep turning on the television and hearing all this nonsense about the racial stuff. Sure, police often target African Americans. Sure, African Americans represent a disproportionate number of the people in our prisons. Sure, some unarmed 18 year old was shot by a police officer. But honestly, how does all this stuff compare to the sheer horror our community has experienced by having our hopes and dreams of a sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire dashed in such a cruel way?”
As cries of “It’s time to stop the looting and start shooting a remake of Hook” fill the streets, a terror has begun to grip the people of Missouri, punctuated by the question filling the mind of every American…
“When will it end?”
#1 by johndockus on August 15, 2014 - 11:19 AM
Jonathan Winters in a diaper, from that Three the Hard Way Mork and Mindy episode, descends out of the sky, but instead of being in an space alien Egg, he hovers, zooms around in giant upside-down police helmet shooting a death-ray. Rioters drop in the streets. Wendy O. Williams back from the dead, with mohawk and Patch Adams red clown nose on, just given to her to lift her spirits by the recently arrived Robin, breaking through the sound barrier, leaps through the window of Mr. Parsons, screams, “Nanu, Nanu, Motherfucker!” and kicks her boot through his T.V. screen. Canned laughter when John Wayne Gacy enters, fully dressed as a clown, plops down on the couch next to Mr. Parsons who looks on in horror, and says to Wendy O. while picking his teeth with a toothpick, “Hey Babe, get me a beer.”
#2 by Dave on August 16, 2014 - 7:02 PM
I wonder if Family Guy’s syndicator will stop airing re-runs of the Robin Williams episode in the same way that you’ll never again see the Simpson’s episode where Homer goes to the World Trade Center. They should. America can’t handle cartoon reminders of it’s greatest national tragedies.
#3 by Keith Spillett on August 17, 2014 - 7:40 AM
Netflix is pushing Robin Williams films like they are going out of style. Including “World’s Greatest Dead”, which is so twisted on so many levels it is profound.
#4 by johndockus on August 17, 2014 - 1:29 PM
Moscow is no longer on the Hudson. About now from the dark shore he should be making his way toward the River Styx. I wonder what kind of laughs Red Robin is going to provide Charon before being ferried across. I hear that guy Charon is a hard one to make laugh.
Well, back to the Palace in my head. There’s this Zen Master attending a meal there with me, and he can poach an egg without moving a limb.
#5 by Keith Spillett on August 17, 2014 - 3:32 PM
It still freaks me out that the band Styx is after that river. You’d figure they’d be more sinister.
#6 by johndockus on August 17, 2014 - 3:47 PM
Like the tortoise racing the hare, I’d like to see a race in the sky between Jonathan Winters in his giant upside-down Police Helmet and (the) REO Speedwagon. Something to put Smoky and the Bandit to shame. Of course I’d be pulling for Jonathan Winters, to fall behind a bit, get frustrated, then start using his Death-ray on the REO Speedwagon members. Preferably the wipeout and explosion would happen in the rioters and looters below.
What’s this, aww, damn it. I’m being called away again, back into the Palace in my head. G.G. Allin drops deuces into a poker game being played by some of the Muppets.
#7 by johndockus on August 16, 2014 - 10:39 PM
… Afterall, this has only been a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Now back to the program where John Wayne Gacy and Wendy O. Williams, back from the dead, the new Bonnie and Clyde, were spotted amongst the rioters in the streets of Ferguson, Missouri. Anarchy in the USA. I hear Jonathan Winters is a deadly shot with his death-ray, zooming around in his giant upside-down Police Helmet. Nanu, Nanu. Rest in peace, Robin Williams. This world sucks anyway.
Gotta go now, I live in a Palace in my head, and a wonderfully witty hunchback wearing a satin and suede jumpsuit and a cowbell around his neck for my amusement is about to serve me my hors d’oeuvres. John Dockus
#8 by Top 5000 Metal Albums on August 18, 2014 - 10:27 AM
In a related story, it has been brought to my attention that post hardcore band ISIS is going to reform this year, but change their name to Basket Of Puppies.