Metallica To Donate 1 Percent Of Profits From Album To Victims of Being Trapped Under Ice


Heavy metal is known as a type of music that promotes Satanism, debauchery and ritualistic homicide. For years, bands like Varg Vikernes and Megadeath have celebrated the suffering of millions in order to sell record albums. In a bold step to forever alter the image of heavy metal, Metallica has decided to take a look at the man in the mirror and make a change.

After the band visited a hospital ward in Blaine, Minnesota filled with children who had been trapped under ice, the members of Metallica have decided to give back the best way they know how. With money.

In the last 20 years, nearly one million Americans have been trapped under ice. This can lead to hypothermia and really bad cardiopulmonary stuff. Being trapped under ice is the 179th leading killer in America today, just behind accidentally dropping a toaster in the bathtub and hoof-in-mouth disease. Awareness of this national crisis is critical in order to raise awareness of this national crisis.

According to Metallica spokesman Chuck Ponzi, “It is critical that the public understand that Metallica really cares about people. We wanted to take pictures of them at a leper colony, but that was deemed too dangerous, so instead they decided to help The National Trapped Under Ice Foundation battle against other diseases for the charity dollars of millions of Americans.”

“It’s a win-win situation. People can absolve themselves of the responsibility of having to actually take action to help others all while enjoying a fabulous new album. Also, by bringing awareness to this vital cause Metallica can rehabilitate their reputation as money-grubbing swine and make absurd amounts of money in the process.”

“The guys have been talking a lot lately about wanting to make a difference. The other day when they were at a local Starbucks drinking seven-dollar coffees, it became clear how they could do it. Starbucks gives two percent from every beverage sold to save the rainforests. Why can’t Metallica sell their brand in the same way?  Let the public spend money on things they want and let them feel like good people for doing it!”

Several bands have already jumped in with ideas on how to create a better world while hawking useless consumer goods. As of today, two percent of every Immolation tee-shirt sold will go to burn victims while MOD will donate the proceeds from three percent of every hoodie sold to those suffering from AIDS. Even Kiss is getting into the act by donating a full .0000001 percent of sales of Kiss lunchboxes to help fight depression.

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  1. #1 by Tom Campagna on August 18, 2014 - 7:55 AM

    No no no you have it all wrong. Gene Simmons does donate that amount of money BUT, only to those who suffer from a condition called “death” if you are familiar. The major caveat is that they must be buried in a KISS Kasket.

  2. #2 by Top 5000 Metal Albums on August 18, 2014 - 9:17 AM

    I am most inspired by those victims who were able to escape the creeping death before fading to black…

  3. #3 by Chris Hunter on August 18, 2014 - 1:14 PM

    All children who have been trapped under ice will now be transported to the newly built hospital named St. Anger’s. Which, coincidentally, only 1% of people can tolerate.

    • #4 by Top 5000 Metal Albums on August 18, 2014 - 2:05 PM

      Mainly because their in-room garbage cans sound like snare drums…

  4. #5 by burgerdogg on August 19, 2014 - 2:42 PM

    Varg Vikernes is not a band. Also, it’s “MEGADETH”

    • #6 by snagon1487 on August 19, 2014 - 3:36 PM

      You just fact checked a satire site. Kudos!

      • #7 by Keith Spillett on August 19, 2014 - 6:07 PM

        I love that! The Tyramaniacs always help me keep it real.

      • #8 by burgerdogg on August 19, 2014 - 7:15 PM

        I am aware

  5. #9 by nick on September 3, 2014 - 8:19 AM

    This is so fake ,its pretty funny tho.

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