Language is an incomplete, ever-evolving method of communication. Few people realize, for example, that in Japanese there is no word for “goreslam”.
There are thousands of situations that there simply are not words for. Rich Hall noticed this in the early 1980’s and addressed it with a brilliant comedic bit called “Sniglets” where he attempted to create words for experiences that had yet to be named.
Heavy metal fans are often faced with events, circumstances and personality types that have yet to be named and, therefore, remain in a strange limbo between the tip of a person’s tongue and reality.
Here are a few terms that should help you identify things you’ve seen but can’t properly express…
Botulizing The Necronomicon-The habit shared by many death metal bands of improperly using medical textbook terminology and mixing it with satanic themes in order to sound both intelligent and sinister
Cairomaniac-A lyricist who writes song lyrics exclusively about Ancient Egypt (ex. See Karl Sanders, also Karl Sanders)
Dialectic Unrealism-The act of arguing that people should pay for albums when they can illegally download them for free
Disciples of the Swatch-People who mix ridiculous 1980’s fashion trends with heavy metal tee shirts (ex. Mixing Flashdance leg warmers, pink neon sunglasses and an Iron Maiden “Killers” tee-shirt)
Eight-Trackers-People who believe that metal albums sound better in a lower quality format
Finntrolling-When someone won’t stop sending you links to novelty metal bands that make them laugh but annoy you
Hellowhining-Complaining about falsetto vocals in power metal songs
Iron Maven-Any person who claims Iron Maiden got worse after Paul Di’Anno left
Lulufying-An album that seems so terrible in concept that you can’t imagine listening to it (ex. Morbid Angel’s follow-up to Illud, in which they plan on mixing death metal with yacht rock, could be the most lulufying record of the year)
Maidenflation-The bizarre phenomena in which a metal record, no matter how weak it is, improves in people’s eyes as it ages
Merzbowing Out-Risking life and limb by running to flip to the next song when the one 52 minute noise song you have comes up on random
National Socialist Anxiety Disorder-Fear that skinheads will stab or strangle you in a mosh pit
Norse Code-References to obscure Scandinavian mythological figures in black metal songs
Oldbangery-Claiming to have seen bands like Venom and Iron Maiden minutes after their careers began in a club with 5 other people
Queenswrong-When a band attempts to create something that sounds similar to Queensryche’s “Operation Mindcrime” and instead make boring, yuppie metal records (see the last 3 Geoff Tate Queensryche albums)
(See also: Righting A Queenswrong-Kicking a singer out of a band because he draws to much attention away from the actual music)
Scamburglary-Shoplifting a Scatterbrain album
Slambologist-Someone who can discuss, in detail, the difference between the first two Suffocation albums
Slamborghini-A beat-up, broken down car that has a series of heavy metal bumper stickers strewn haphazardly on the back
Vikermaniac-A person, who cannot stop mentioning to anyone who will pay the slightest bit of attention, the details of Varg’s murder of Euronymous
#1 by =Monty Santo= on August 8, 2014 - 5:19 PM
Scamburglary-Shoplifting a Scatterbrain album… Well thank you Keith, now I have coffee all over my slamtop…
#2 by Keith Spillett on August 8, 2014 - 11:33 PM
Ha! I’m just glad to live in a world where someone else gets the occasional Scatterbrain reference.
#3 by Top 5000 Metal Albums on August 11, 2014 - 8:55 AM
Tyrannical Trenditionalism – Second rate offshoots with 1/10th the talent of Keith Spillett trying to jump on the metal journalism bandwagon… (i.e. Decibel Magazine, Kerrang, FC&M, and Metal Sucks)
#4 by Keith Spillett on August 11, 2014 - 9:31 AM
HA!!! Yeah! I like it!
#5 by Walker Oden on September 3, 2014 - 9:06 AM
METALINECKUS A Red Neck that Owns 3 or More Metallica shirts (usually Load, Enter Sandman, and a excessively worn Ride the Lighting with the sword in the toilet ) t shirts!
Has a limited knowledge of metal bands, not fond of that stuff where u can’t understand em.
The MetalNeckus has Heard of Slayer, maybe even listened to them, But could not recite a single lyric if asked, partly do to the fact that he thinks Abyss. is a word for when your Drunk and gotta pee so bad that you take Abyss where ever you are. It is Common also for the MetalNeckus to List
Lynyrd Skynyrd, or Molly Hatchet in there discography of Metal Bands. You can also spot one rather quickly, as they Still seem to care that Rob Halford is Gay, and speak of it. often with shame for still enjoying the song Heading out to the Highway. which is a national anthem of sorts to many of them. There are many other characteristics that can help you identify a MetalNeckus: The ever popular Mullet of course is the most common, however Missing teeth,a Smiley Face burned in the skin with a Lighter, a single Long dangly Earring usually a sword,skull or cross (right ear unless your like Rob Halford) , A horribly done Tattoo often misspelled. The Vehicle of Metalneckus or MN, Is generally a Older Chevey pickup truck, or even a El Camino. U can bet there is at least one or two Rebel Flag stickers. a gun rack, and more than likely 4-5 mini Future MN’s with a various assortment of mullets and and even more worn Motley Crue/Quiet Riot/ or Skid row shirts on.
The MetalNeckus is a common Sight at shows threw out the southern hemisphere of the United States, but there have been sittings of them as far as Wyoming , Utah , Rarely are they seen In California . as They Do not get along with there Distant Cousin the MetalSurfus.
Warning:: the MetalNeckus are a simple People, and are not generally violent unless provoked.
however, they don’t much care for things they don’t understand or anyone who disagrees with there traditions or rituals. speaking ill of any Metallica album, or failing to slam your beer after holding it high and spilling a bit of it on you after every single Yell of the current band playings name or simply “heavy Metal” has often resulted in catastrophe ( careful that too is a much to big word ) if you look up from the pit or wonder into a group of them It is best to Just Scream METAL up your ass” and spit some beer into the air.. or pull out a Lighter and hold it up high moving it slowly to the music. this will distract them till you can get to a higher Iq area!! Also do not look at the MetalNeckus’s Girlfriend as she will most assuardly be looking at you. If she speaks to you Pretend you didn’t here her or say something chauvinistic. MN don’t take kindly to anyone talking to there ladies, even Family members. Oddly enough their ladies often are just that ” family Members. keep your language simple , your beer high. and your full set of teeth hidden, and you should be ok. MetalNeckus handles right, and with the proper safety can be a interesting thing to watch as they often beat themselves silly and or drink themselves into stupid situations. Great decoys at big festivals for avoiding law enforcement, which again ironicly are former MetalNeckus.
now fully developed to become the Highly Dangerous MetalNeckus DIckustPigus!! Avoid at all costs.! More on them later. thanks for reading and may your Metal stay Fast and Hard!