Posts Tagged Iron Maiden

Former Iron Maiden Singer Paul Di’Anno KOed in Seventh Round by Boxing Kangaroo

Paul_Di'Anno

Last night, Caesar’s Palace was the scene of one of the most anticipated boxing matches in recent memory as Humsy, a boxing kangaroo from Perth, Australia, knocked out former Iron Maiden vocalist Paul Di’Anno with a stunning display of speed and power.  Di’Anno had recorded a 17-1 record over the last five years, with his only loss coming in a controversial twelve round decision last October against a bear.  A victory against Humsy would have given Di’Anno a shot to fight Momo the Giant Narwhal, the current reigning MBF heavyweight champion.

Humsy, a relative newcomer to the metal vocalists versus animals boxing scene, seemed unphased by the boisterous Las Vegas crowd.  He danced around the ring, reminding many reporters of a young Cassius Clay, repeatedly pounding Di’Anno with jabs to the face and chest.  Di’Anno landed several solid blows early, but was worn down by Humsy’s vicious bobbing and weaving as well as his years of drinking Koch’s Golden Anniversary, making bad albums and playing children’s birthday parties.

Humsy Prepares For His Fight With Di'Anno

Humsy Prepares For His Fight With Di’Anno

In the seventh round, Di’Anno lunged clumsily at Humsy with a right hook and was left wide open for a left-hand cross that knocked him to the mat for the fourth and final time.  The man who recorded two of the finest metal records in the history of the genre clutched at the ropes trying to pull himself up, but was never able to get to his feet.  As the ref counted Di’Anno out, Humsy was fed a cookie by his handler as and bounced around the ring to waves of wild cheering from the capacity crowd.

Humsy is already looking at a potential pay-per-view matchup against former, current Queensryche vocalist Geoff Tate in a match that some experts have dubbed “The Fight of the Century”.  Tate, who recently pummeled a seal into a coma during a September fight at SeaWorld, is the number one ranked contender for the heavyweight crown.  Humsy’s trainer Angelo Caprice, however, has indicated he’d be open to fighting lesser known vocalists like Metal Church singer Mike Howe, who has fallen on hard times recently and is so broke he can’t afford to pay attention.

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Ulysses Stern, Actor Known For Playing Dave Mustaine in Megadeth, Dies at 83

Stern With Megadeth Bandmates Michael Corbin, Mark Alteri and Phillip Riesling

Ulysses Stern With Megadeth Bandmates Michael Corbin, Humberto Quintero and Phillip Riesling

Veteran character actor Ulysses Stern, who played the controversial singer and guitarist from the heavy metal band Megadeth from 1992 until 2007, died earlier this morning in his Pomona, California home of a heart attack.  Stern had been battling Alzheimer’s Disease since he retired from his role as Mustaine in 2007.  He was 83.

A veteran of hundreds of plays, movies and television shows, Stern made his acting debut in 1958 in the Broadway version of Tennessee Williams’ classic “A Streetcar Named Desire”.  From there he moved on to television, where he was featured on several hit shows including The Twilight Zone, Wagon Train and Petticoat Junction.  He briefly replaced Eddie Albert in the role of Oliver Wendell Douglas for six episodes on the television show Green Acres in 1968 during Albert’s highly publicized bout with leprosy.

He spent most of the 1970s and 80s playing colorful roles in major motion pictures starring some of the most popular names in Hollywood.  He was in four films with Burt Reynolds, including a memorable two-minute performance as a police detective in the Oscar winning film “Sharky’s Machine”.  In spite of this, by the early 90’s his career was in a tailspin.  He had reached the point where the only roles he could land were in Lifetime movies and Budweiser ads.  That was when he caught the eye of talent agent Mickey Krantz.

Krantz was so impressed by his performance as Jimmy Nolan, a Vince Neil-ish grifter, in the Lifetime movie “Baby Monitor:  The Sound of Fear”, that he offered Stern the chance to play Mustaine.  Carmine Trovatelli, who currently plays Robb Flynn in the band Machine Head, had played Mustaine through a good part of the 80s and 90s, but left the role in after a nasty contract dispute.  This paved the way for Stern to take over the role upon the release of “Countdown To Extinction”.

dave-mustaine

Although critics were often fond of Stern’s portrayal of Mustaine, the public had mixed feelings.  Megadeth achieved its greatest period of commercial success under Stern, but many of the fans believe the songwriting was far superior when Trovatelli was playing Mustaine.  “Megadeth was the thrashiest, most inventive band in the world when Trovatelli was playing Mustaine.  When Ulysses Stern became Dave Mustaine, Megadeth sold out as far as I’m concerned.” wrote Lemmy von Corpsegrinder on the “RIP Guy Who Played Dave Mustaine When They Started To Suck” Facebook page that appeared seconds after Stern’s death.

Funeral services for Mustaine are planned for Wednesday.  Hector Bayley (the actor who currently plays Mustaine), George Lemansky (the actor who plays Bruce Dickinson) and Arnold Weismuller (who recently took over the role of Rob Halford) all plan to be in attendance.  However, Victor St. Pierre (best known for his work as the post-ReLoad Lars Ulrich) has already gone on record stating he wants no part of the funeral and will not attend along with the rest of the actors playing members of Metallica.

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3,000 Copies of New Carcass Record To Be Released On Limited Edition Goitre

new carcass

Fans of the band Carcass have a lot to look forward to in 2013.  First came the news that the band had returned to the studio to record their first album in 17 years.  The album, to be titled Surgical Steel, is due to hit stores sometime later this year.  Now, it has been announced the band will be releasing a limited printing of 3,000 copies of the new album on 780-gram goitre.

For years, goitres were thought to simply be swollen thyroid glands found in people with iodine deficiencies.  Until recently, few music fans realized how effective goitres were for carrying high definition sound.  “Goitre has a much warmer, richer analog sound, but retains that sound quality better over time,” said record producer and sound quality expert Hakaru Hashimoto, who is currently working on Neil Diamond’s first goitre based release “Banned in Boston”, scheduled to come out in late 2014.

Several bands including Portal, Jungle Rot and Manilla Road have recently released limited pressings of their new albums on goitre, but Carcass is, by far, the most well-known metal band to put out a new release in this fashion.

goitre

While new goitre records are still relatively uncommon, the re-release of earlier editions of albums on goitre has quietly become a successful way for artists to cash in.  These rare items have fetched huge sums on websites like eBay.  A goitre version of Metallica’s “Ride The Lightning” recently ran one music aficionado 2,000 dollars.  However, with improvements in goitre harvesting techniques, it is possible that the industry may embrace going “full-goitre” as early as 2021.

Owning albums on goitre has become a major status symbol among some hardcore metal fans.  Seattle, Washington opened America’s first Vinyl and Goitre Shop earlier in the spring.  The store has been flooded with fans seeking early Iron Maiden and Judas Priest goitres.  While many metalheads have jumped on the goitre bandwagon others, like 30-year metal veteran Danny von Hellstorm, lead vocalist from the band Albino Autopsy, claim they have gotten sick of all of the “goitre posers” that are flooding the scene today.

Growing their own goitres has even become a fashion statement among some metalheads in Florida.  Congenital Hypothyroidism, a band out of Punta Gorda, became the first group to grow matching goitres earlier in the year.  None of the members have consumed salt in the past 8 months in order to grow the lumps in their neck that would allow them to call themselves the world’s first “proto-goitrecore” band.  Goitremania can clearly be taken too far, as evidenced when the band’s lead guitarist Neoplasm von Goitrogen was hospitalized after complications related to his attempted goitre piercing.

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852 Fascinating Words With “A Tale of Two Maidens” Writer Anne Echols

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Anne Echols is an amazingly talented writer from Atlanta who has just released her third book, A Tale of Two Maidens.  She is a brilliant teacher and a wonderful human being. I was honored to get a chance to talk to her last week about her new book, Joan of Arc and, of course, Iron Maiden.

For those folks out there who haven’t read it, tell us a bit about what A Tale 0f Two Maidens is about…

The book is about a fifteen-year-old Felise who is an apprentice scribe in medieval France.  She dreams of escaping her cruel guardian, who plots an arranged marriage for her.  She dreams of being a writer and a book shop owner.  The Hundred Years War rages all around her, even spilling into her town.  This takes place at the time that Joan of Arc blazes onto the scene as a teenage girl who claims God-given powers to change the fate of France.  Joan inspires Felise to run away and embark on a daring adventure of her own.

Every day draws her further into the underbelly of a life she has never known — a world of lepers and vagabonds, brawling men and loose women. Burning villages and terrified peasants are left behind in the path of war as Joan tries to free France from the English.  When a young suitor from home pursues her, Felise finds herself drawn to him despite her quest for freedom and her distrust of men.

Following after the army, Felise meets Joan face to face and soon finds herself torn between Joan’s single-minded sense of purpose and her own desire for love and personal fulfillment.

Lepers and vagabonds!  Sounds like she went to a Poison concert.  What was the inspiration for writing A Tale of Two Maidens?

I wrote two other books (both non-fiction) about women in the Middle Ages.  Joan of Arc has always fascinated me since I read saint’s tales about her and I wanted to understand the truth about her.  I researched her life and found out that there were Joan imitators both before and after her death — false Joans who went around pretending to be her.  That gave an idea for my book — to see how she influenced ordinary women of her time.

Joan of Arc figures prominently in your book.  What do you think she was like in real life?

Blunt; down to earth; practical; bad-tempered; pious and celibate; fiercely loyal to the Dauphin (deposed prince); illiterate.  Didn’t like dressing as a guy at first but I think she kind of got into it after a while.  She would hear the sound of church bells and lapse into a vision of her saints but then snap out of it and go off and lead her men into battle.  I don’t think she liked the adulation of the crowds and certainly didn’t believe that she could perform miracles.  I think she truly cared about her soldiers — almost like a big sister.

If Joan of Arc were alive today, what do you think she’d be up to?

She’d be attached to a ruler who had been has been unjustly deposed (or unjustly lost an election) and exiled and she’d be the star military genius helping him or her get back in power.  Maybe Radonski in Venezuela.  She’d be an indigenous peasant from a small village in Venezuela with undiagnosed schizophrenia and hear voices to help him contest the election or stage a coup.  I picture her in a Rambo style bandana driving around Venezuela in a tank — with a tatoo of her beloved saints and lots of groupies.  They would use her name to market clothing products, t shirts, berets, and of course Joan of Arc goat cheese (I really saw this product at my local grocery store!)

Earlier I could have seen her as a female Che Guevarra.

Many of the readers are metalheads, so I want to make it clear, A Tale of Two Maidens is not a comparison between Iron Maiden with Bruce Dickinson and Paul Di’anno.  But, in your opinion, who is the better frontman for the band?

Both are great singers, but I’d pick Di’anno for being raw and real — I believed that he was actually feeling the emotions as he sang.  Dickinson was more theatrical and was having more fun performing but I didn’t believe him as much as I believed Di’anno.  I think Joan would have liked the first singer better too.

Who was “more metal” Shakespeare or Chaucer?

This is a tough question…Chaucer came to mind first because I could really see someone doing a metal style Pardoner’s Tale in Middle English.  Also I think the earthy, bawdy exterior of the tales (but often with a melancholy but truthful interior) lend themselves well to the metal blend (at least in my mind) of raucous exterior but often emotionally charged, compelling interior.  And the ‘on the road’ setting definitely applies to both.

Shakespeare’s play have already been done in so many styles from the Luhrmann Romeo and Juliet, to a stage interpretation of Julius Caesar done in Star Trek style sci fi, so why not metal?

A Tale of Two Maidens is available on Amazon.com.

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Westboro Baptist Church To Protest Funeral of Iron Maiden Guitarist Janick Gers; Gers Claims He’s Not Dead

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The Westboro Baptist Church is at it again.  This time, they have planned a massive protest at the funeral of Iron Maiden guitar player Janick Gers.  There is only one problem; Gers believes that he is not dead.

“The whole thing is preposterous! My pulse is beating….you want to feel it,” claimed Gers to a roomful of skeptical reporters.

In spite of Gers protestations, the Internet has been filled with articles about his passing into the afterlife.  Facebook has registered over 10,000 “RIP Janick” posts in the last several days.  The Westboro Baptist Church has already flown 4,000 protestors to Des Moines, Iowa, where Gers’ memorial service is supposed to be held next week.  Yet, in the face of overwhelming evidence, Gers will simply not admit that he is dead.

“You have to believe me!  I’m alive!  ALIVE!!!!!!” howled Gers as he fended off two EMTs who were trying to force him to lie down on a stretcher in order to be transported to the morgue.

The cause of death is yet to be determined and probably will not be until Gers agrees to an autopsy.  So far, he has refused to be dissected. “If he’s alive, then let’s have him prove it,” said Des Moines Chief Medical Examiner Claude Perineum, “if we get in there and find out he’s telling the truth, we will immediately stich him back up and send him on his way.  Otherwise, he’s just being dishonest and wasting the time and money of the taxpayers.”

While many in the metal world have grieved the supposed passing of Gers, Westboro Baptist Church leader Fred Phelps has been overjoyed.  Phelps, who believes that America is being punished for its acceptance of gays and lesbians and its tolerance for high amounts of fluoride in the water supply, has already arrived in Iowa for the funeral.  According to Phelps, “the decadent lifestyle and love of Satan preached by these British ne’er-do-wells has eroded the moral fabric of America.  Iron Maiden’s singer, Ron Halford, is, in fact, an admitted homosexual!!!”

WBC Pastor Fred Phelps Prepares To Welcome Maiden Fans To Iowa

WBC Pastor Fred Phelps Prepares To Welcome Maiden Fans To Iowa

At a rally last night at The Des Moines Church of Christ The Climate Change Denier, Phelps announced that he had in his possession proof that heavy metal is a Trojan horse being used to turn America into a “breeding ground for the gay way of life”.  “In my hand right now is a list of 205 homosexuals in the heavy metal world!” hollered Phelps with his grocery list grasped tightly and held over his head.

Many Iron Maiden fans plan to attend the memorial service whether Gers is dead or not.  “Iron Maiden is the greatest band of all-time and, even though no one can figure out why they needed a third guitarist, this is indeed a terrible loss, if it is true, which it might not be,” said devout Maiden listener Kent Tekulve, who plans on walking over 1,000 miles from his home in Flagstaff, Arizona to the service.

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Exclusive: The Secret CIA Plot To Break Up Slayer

Kerry+King++bagpipes

The note under my door said “Meet at 3 AM in the parking garage behind the Waffle House.”  I’d received notes like this before and, usually, they either led to great information or some guy in nothing but a trenchcoat asking me if I wanted to hold hands and whisper Carpenters lyrics into each other’s ears.  Typically, these messages came from my high level contact in the CIA, a man who will only let me refer to him in public as Deep Thrombosis.  He’s worked in The Company for many years and has put me onto some of the bigger stories Tyranny of Tradition has broken.  He was the guy who tipped me off to Obama’s drumming on the first Overkill album and Nixon’s plot to assassinate the members of Black Sabbath.

I knew that a night meeting with Deep Thrombosis could be the thing that gets me that Pulitzer Prize I’ve been coveting all these years or even a date with The Great Kat.  However, I was not prepared for the monumental significance of what he was about to tell me.

“Tonight, we are going to pull back the curtain,” whispered Deep Thrombosis while his shifty, beady eyes darted from side to side.  “The information I’m about to give you could bring down the whole circus.  If you print it, be warned, there is a good chance you will end up having a ‘boating accident’ or accidently hanging yourself while trying to install a garage door opener.  And for godsakes, if you print this, you need to promise not to mention you got it from a source in the CIA!  They’ll be able to track it back to me.”

“I will absolutely not mention how I got this information,” I told my CIA source.  “I swear it!”

He proceeded to tell me the most outlandish story I had ever heard.  A story of violence, intrigue and a CIA so out of control that it would go so far as to break up one of the great thrash metal groups of our time.

slayer

“The Company had heard some rumors that the next Slayer album was going to be all about drone strikes on Al-Queda bases.  The thing was going to be called “South of Reason”.  Typical longhaired hippie liberal propaganda.  We’d have let Limbaugh handle them except they were going to reveal potential bombing coordinates, out some of our higher level agents, and really turn the metalhead public against the whole ‘secret murder of civilians who have had no trial’ thing.  We couldn’t let it happen.  So we took action.”

“The first part of the plan was to kidnap Kerry King and replace him with an actor who resembled Kerry King.  We have a guy who has done some jobs with us in the past who was a dead ringer for King, a sort of grubby, misshapen fellow who slightly resembled a poorly shaven yeti.  We scooped up the real Kerry and threw him into Guantanamo and told the guards he was actually Osama Bin Laden’s masseuse and to ‘not torture him’ until he gave us any information on the whereabouts of the secret terrorist training camps in Iceland.”

“The guy we are using as Kerry almost gave the thing away during the first show.  He played three or four really great solos, which confused the audience.  Luckily, one of our agents got ahold of him and told him to haphazardly move his whammy bar around really fast when it was his turn to solo and no one would know the difference.  Things went fine after that.”

“We slipped a mind-altering substance into one of Araya’s drinks and, through the power of suggestion, convinced him to start listening to Asking Alexandria.  We figured this would jam up any creativity that was flowing through his head.  Then, we gave a copy of the band’s financial information to Lombardo.  The rest is history.”

“It was our best work since we got rid of Mossedegh in Iran in ’53.  Or Arbenz in Guatemala in ’54.  Or Allende in Chile in ’73.  Or….well, you get the point.”

Tom-Araya

“The thing is, I’ve begun to realize that this sort of thing is dangerous.  After all, if the CIA can destroy Slayer or overthrow the government of a foreign country or randomly kill civilians who happened to be in the same vicinity as people we believe to be terrorists without the consent of the American people, then what is the point of even calling our country a democracy.”

“I started thinking of what a soulless, unaccountable beast like the CIA could do if it really put its mind to it.  Forcing Exodus to do a ska album?    Getting Testament to hire Michael Bolton as their lead singer?  Letting Janick Gers write all the songs on the next Maiden record?  The possibilities were too horrible to consider.”

“So, I have chosen you to help put a stop to this.  Publish this article tomorrow and remind America that in a democracy, the government needs to be accountable to the people or else they have ceased being a democracy.   That transparency is the only thing that can keep us from becoming a nation capable of any atrocity in the name of opening new markets and exploiting new sources of human capital.  That America should stand for something greater than the principal of bending other, weaker nations to our will.  And that Slayer should start writing stuff that sounds more like it did before Divine Intervention, because honestly, the new stuff hasn’t been all that impressive.  Except for God Hates Us All.  That was pretty cool.”

I heard the sound of a car door slam in the corner of the garage and turned to look at it.  When I looked back, Deep Thrombosis was gone.

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Metallica Names Former Ethiopian Emperor Halie Selassie As New Bass Player

Ending weeks of speculation, Metallica has chosen former Ethiopian Emperor Halie Selassie as their new bass player.  The search began back in 2011 when bassist extraordinaire Robert Trujillo left the band after being named US Ambassador to Kyrgyzstan.  The band had auditioned over 30,000 potential bass players before finally settling yesterday on Selassie.  Selassie, who died in 1975, was known for shepherding his nation through a war with Italy and years of internal strife as well as being a member of Ethiopia’s top Metallica cover band “Purify”.

Selassie remains a controversial figure in the metal community since he ordered Metallica to stop using chemical weapons against Megadeth back in 2009.  He has always been wildly popular among large sections of the Rastafarian metal community, but is universally despised by most Italian Fascist metalheads.  Selassie is perhaps best known for his speech in 1936 in front of the League of Nations where he argued that Iron Maiden, not Manowar, should be considered the rightful Kings of Metal.

Selassie will begin his tenure in Metallica next month when the band gets to work on recording its next album “Exile in Ponyland”.  The new record, due to come out sometime in late 2013, is a concept album that is based on both the popular My Little Pony toy series and Dante’s Inferno.  The album’s story will focus on the travels of Starlight and Bright Eyes Pony as they journey through the darkest regions of hell.  On their journey, they meet and befriend several lovable, unforgettable characters that are suffering eternal damnation.

Unlike some previous Metallica bassists, Selassie will be a major part of the songwriting process.  He has an impeccable reputation throughout the music industry as a top-flight songwriter and has even scored Top 40 hits in the 1970s with the song  “Devil Went Down To Georgia”, performed by The Charlie Daniels Band, and in the 1990s with the song “Crossroads”, recorded by Bone Thugs’n’Harmony.

Many different bass players applied for the job, including several well-known names.  Veteran actor Burt Reynolds was initially considered a shoe-in for the job, but fell out of contention last month when he and guitarist Dom DeLuise joined Corrosion of Conformity.  Former Pittsburgh Steeler coach Bill Cowher, 19th century philosopher John Stuart Mill and Nobel Prize winning economist Milton Friedman were all leading candidates for the position, but Selassie was able to win out due to his leadership and vision for the future of the band.

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