Posts Tagged Pancreas

ARod Facing Lifetime Suspension For Injecting Himself With Fluid From GG Allin’s Pancreas

arod

In secret memos obtained by The Tyranny of Tradition, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has recommended that baseball legend Alex Rodriguez be suspended from the game for life for “acts detrimental to the game, his health and the personal hygiene of those around him.”  According to Selig, there is strong reason to believe that Alex Rodriguez has, since 2009, been injecting himself with a bizarre cocktail of rock legend GG Allin’s pancreatic fluid, ox blood and yogurt.

Allin, known for his grotesque on stage antics and general hatred of most members of the human race, died of a heroin overdose in 1993.  Allin’s pancreas and several other of his body parts went missing after his autopsy, leading many experts to believe they had been eaten by his fans.  However, in 2003, Biogenesis owner Anthony Bosch came across the pancreas at a yard sale in Bangor, Maine.  Bosch quickly realized that the Allin’s pancreas had the ability to bring out Incredible Hulk-like torrents of aggression in those who injected fluid from it into their bodies.

ggallin

Rodriguez purportedly became a client of Biogenesis because he felt that the horse and elephant hormones he had been shooting into his system did not give him enough of an edge.  ARod was the first of the Biogenesis clients to begin regularly cycling the Allin mixture.  While he had success with the concoction, it came at a price.

While he had a great season in 2009 and led the Yankees to a World Series, his behavior started becoming extremely erratic.  At one point during the playoffs that year, Rodriguez became enraged at Derek Jeter and intentionally projectile vomited on the Yankee captain’s girlfriend.

Things became much worse in 2010.  He spent much of his time in the locker room listening to Hank Williams records and mumbling incoherently about wanting to be covered from head-to-toe in bacon grease.  Before each at bat, he would put a lit cigarette out on his tongue.  In June, ARod drew his first non-steroid related suspension when he head butted umpire Ken Keiser over a called third strike.  During a September series in Arlington, he began lacerating his face and chest with a razor blade, bleeding into a water gun and firing it at hostile Texas Ranger fans.

Things came to a head during Spring Training in 2011 when Rodriguez allegedly beheaded a lion during the seventh inning stretch and began throwing its internal organs at Cub fans.  He was restrained and removed from the premises by police, but not before ripping the front hood off of teammate Russell Martin’s Camaro in the parking lot.

Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman was concerned at the change that had taken place in Rodriguez.  “Sure, he was always a spoiled, arrogant, narcissist, but we never felt he was a danger to the safety of those around him until 2009.  That year, he started doing things that were, quite frankly, a bit strange.  Let’s face it, urinating on second base to celebrate hitting a double is simply not the Yankee Way.”

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Dave Lombardo Has Additional Arms Added To Keep Up With Younger Drummers

Dave Lombardo Today

Eventually, Father Time catches up with us all.  Former Slayer drummer Dave Lombardo was once thought to be the undisputed greatest metal drummer on earth.  Scores of adolescents spent many a Saturday night watching Headbangers Ball and air drumming his fills from the beginning of “Seasons in The Abyss”.  Nearly every great young drummer used to be called “the next Dave Lombardo”.  Then, at some point, the world caught up with him.

“Some of the new wave of drummers are just quicker today.  They have taken my style and improved it with a youthful energy that it’s hard for a 47-year-old to match.  I needed something to get my edge back,” said Lombardo last night in an exclusive Tyranny of Tradition interview.  What Lombardo did was both amazing and terrifying.  In a first of its kind surgery, Lombardo had two additional arms added to his body.  The arms are functional and just as useful as the two he was born with.

The possibilities for Lombardo are now nearly endless.  His drumming style will most certainly take on a uniqueness that the metal world has never thought possible.  He will also probably become an amazing juggler and will be able to put away groceries with the speed and dexterity his family has never seen. But, the deeper ethical concerns about a drummer being able to add limbs was the talk of the metal world after Lombardo’s announcement.

“It’s not right that someone can just have limbs added to be a better drummer,” said Battleax Kidneystone, drummer from the death metal band Malignant Pancreas.  “If a major league baseball player added extra legs to run faster there is no way they’d let him play.”

Others, like Chainsaw Bloodcolon, from the band Carpathian Impetigo Sore, were less concerned.  “If he wants to run around the rest of his life looking like a freak, I say, let him.  I’m sticking with the two arms that Satan gave me.”

Still, Gene Hoglan, the recently named Commissioner of Metal Drumming, is looking into whether Lombardo should be allowed to play for Slayer on their next tour.  Hoglan, who recently ruled that performance enhancing drugs like beer, crack and Moon Pies were allowed for drummers, is faced with an even more challenging issue here.

Some argue that this could lead to a slippery slope where drummers will have more and more arms added to be competitive.  Imagine if Sean Reinert from Cynic decided he was going to add 10 arms and 14 legs.  Dream Theater would take Mike Portnoy back in a second if he showed up with no less than 100 additional limbs.   The next phase would be guitarists having additional fingers and singers having additional mouths with separate voice boxes.  Think of how many strings a djent guitarist could put on his instrument if he had 52 fingers to play with.  It is possible that if Hoglan allows Lombardo to keep his additional arms, the metal scene in five years will be indistinguishable from a circus sideshow.

However, if Hoglan rules against Lombardo, the case will surely end up in court.  As most legal scholars know, the 2nd Amendment to The Constitution guarantees the right to bear arms.  “The founding fathers wanted us to have life, liberty and the pursuit of additional limbs, otherwise they wouldn’t have written it down.  Besides, what is more American than using technology to grab every possible competitive advantage over others,” said Lombardo.  “Being a highly successful four-armed mutant is, in many ways, the American Dream.”

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Philip Morris Corporation Purchases Exclusive Naming Rights to Emphysema

In a move to reestablish itself as a force in the cigarette industry, tobacco giant Philip Morris today purchased exclusive naming rights to emphysema.  They will pay the World Health Organization (WHO) 900 million dollars over the next 10 years in order to own the right to name the disease whatever they want to.  Initially, Phillip Morris simply wanted the words “Philip Morris, Official Sponsor of Emphysema” to be spoken each time the crippling illness was mentioned, but for an additional 100 million per year they have been given the ability to give the disease an entirely new name.  In order to get rid of the negative connotations people have with the word “emphysema” the disease will now be referred to by doctors and health care professionals as “Skippy”.  “We felt that emphysema strikes a gloomy chord with the public and that there was no harm in brightening the name up a bit,” said Philip Morris Public Relations Director Henry Haldeman.

The corporate re-naming of diseases is part of a larger privatization trend that includes selling formerly public property to corporations.  It started with the privatization of water supplies and other formerly public resources, but has now moved to more abstract concepts like disease names.  The bidding war has already started for the rights to name rhumetoid arthritis and diabetes, the next two ailments that will be on the block.  There have been rumors that the right to name several body parts is the next frontier.  Last year, The Disney Corporation offered 400 million dollars for the rights to name the human pancreas, but a serious bidding war has yet to develop.

Part of Philip Morris’ deal with the WHO is to pledge 10 million dollars a year to emphysema research.  According to “We are not trying to convince people that emphysema, uh, excuse me, Skippy, is a good disease.  We are just trying to remind people that Philip Morris is an important member of the global community.  Therefore, we will continue to maintain our commitment to eradicating Skippy from the planet,” said Philip Morris CEO James Erlichman in a press conference to announce the deal.

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