Posts Tagged GG Allin
In a bold move to show his willingness to commit to bipartisan solutions in 2015, President Obama has announced he is sacking FDA Commissioner, Margaret “Quarter Pounder” Hamburg, and giving control of the FDA to none other than G.G. Allin.
Obama, who many pundits believe is trending towards complete mental and emotional collapse, has been recently observed running around the White House lawn at all hours of the night naked and bleeding while howling indecipherable song lyrics. His appointment of Allin coincides with his “Fear and Loathing” 2nd term agenda, a stark contrast to his “Hope and Change” message from six years ago.
Ever since 19 Americans contracted Ebola from eating overregulated meat products, the FDA has been under fire from Republicans and Democrats alike. Allin seems like just the man to bring sanity back to the Food and Drug Administration.
G.G.Allin faked his death in 1993 to escape the punk rock lifestyle and pursue his interests in micro pig breeding and aspartame mining. Those who knew him intimately recall that Allin was always striving to help people reconcile their differences and overcome their phobias surrounding bodily fluids and extreme cuddling.
Allin’s surprising appointment is intended to allow for less red tape and more botulized red meat for an American public who “just wants government to get out of their lives”.
According to House Speaker, John Boehner, many Republicans see this appointment as too good to take at face value, and are cautioning of a possibly more sinister agenda below the surface. Allin’s connections to the aspartame mining industry is raising a few eyebrows in Congress.
Aspartame has been a hot button issue ever since President Obama signed an executive order last year requiring a restructuring of the well known Food Pyramid. The order, commonly known as “To Aspartame A Land”, has mandated that an additional foundation to the food pyramid be added to reflect the need to consume a minimum of 10-12 servings of aspartame daily in order to maintain optimal pancreatic health.
Critics of the new food pyramid allege that Allin’s appointment may be a conflict of interests, as he owns a 93% stake in Hawaii’s aspartame mines. This questionable appointment comes only days after Michelle Obama’s Marxist school lunch program mandated that all lunches contain at least 65 percent aspartame and 10 percent spinal fluid.
Democrats that support the President’s decision to discharge Margaret Hamburg warn that Allin’s appointment could send the wrong message to the two thirds of voters who stayed home this November. With Rikki Rockett and Gene Simmons recently being tapped to hold seats in the President’s administration, liberals fear that Obama is projecting a level of instability not seen in politics since H. Ross Perot had to be forcibly gagged and carried off the stage by security guards during a 1996 Presidential debate. They are also concerned that young voters, many of which have been alienated by a corrupt and ineffective political system, will begin choosing video games and social media over direct involvement in the American political process.
Congressman Ted Cruz, the lone socialist in the Republican party, opined on the House Floor today that, “When being a musician is seen as qualifying a person to make decisions about what is safe or not safe to consume, is it any wonder that demoralized young people will throw in the towel and never believe that they too can be something in this country?”
“Isn’t it time the President focus on issues important to the American people, like restoring Christian as our official language or recognizing a corporation’s religious freedom to marry and merge with the love of their choice?”
Time will tell if Allin has what it takes to bring America back to sensible levels of fecal content in its mercury-laden flounder and free market solutions to marketing new products like genetically modified pork rinds.
In secret memos obtained by The Tyranny of Tradition, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has recommended that baseball legend Alex Rodriguez be suspended from the game for life for “acts detrimental to the game, his health and the personal hygiene of those around him.” According to Selig, there is strong reason to believe that Alex Rodriguez has, since 2009, been injecting himself with a bizarre cocktail of rock legend GG Allin’s pancreatic fluid, ox blood and yogurt.
Allin, known for his grotesque on stage antics and general hatred of most members of the human race, died of a heroin overdose in 1993. Allin’s pancreas and several other of his body parts went missing after his autopsy, leading many experts to believe they had been eaten by his fans. However, in 2003, Biogenesis owner Anthony Bosch came across the pancreas at a yard sale in Bangor, Maine. Bosch quickly realized that the Allin’s pancreas had the ability to bring out Incredible Hulk-like torrents of aggression in those who injected fluid from it into their bodies.
Rodriguez purportedly became a client of Biogenesis because he felt that the horse and elephant hormones he had been shooting into his system did not give him enough of an edge. ARod was the first of the Biogenesis clients to begin regularly cycling the Allin mixture. While he had success with the concoction, it came at a price.
While he had a great season in 2009 and led the Yankees to a World Series, his behavior started becoming extremely erratic. At one point during the playoffs that year, Rodriguez became enraged at Derek Jeter and intentionally projectile vomited on the Yankee captain’s girlfriend.
Things became much worse in 2010. He spent much of his time in the locker room listening to Hank Williams records and mumbling incoherently about wanting to be covered from head-to-toe in bacon grease. Before each at bat, he would put a lit cigarette out on his tongue. In June, ARod drew his first non-steroid related suspension when he head butted umpire Ken Keiser over a called third strike. During a September series in Arlington, he began lacerating his face and chest with a razor blade, bleeding into a water gun and firing it at hostile Texas Ranger fans.
Things came to a head during Spring Training in 2011 when Rodriguez allegedly beheaded a lion during the seventh inning stretch and began throwing its internal organs at Cub fans. He was restrained and removed from the premises by police, but not before ripping the front hood off of teammate Russell Martin’s Camaro in the parking lot.
Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman was concerned at the change that had taken place in Rodriguez. “Sure, he was always a spoiled, arrogant, narcissist, but we never felt he was a danger to the safety of those around him until 2009. That year, he started doing things that were, quite frankly, a bit strange. Let’s face it, urinating on second base to celebrate hitting a double is simply not the Yankee Way.”