Posts Tagged Brian Cashman
In secret memos obtained by The Tyranny of Tradition, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has recommended that baseball legend Alex Rodriguez be suspended from the game for life for “acts detrimental to the game, his health and the personal hygiene of those around him.” According to Selig, there is strong reason to believe that Alex Rodriguez has, since 2009, been injecting himself with a bizarre cocktail of rock legend GG Allin’s pancreatic fluid, ox blood and yogurt.
Allin, known for his grotesque on stage antics and general hatred of most members of the human race, died of a heroin overdose in 1993. Allin’s pancreas and several other of his body parts went missing after his autopsy, leading many experts to believe they had been eaten by his fans. However, in 2003, Biogenesis owner Anthony Bosch came across the pancreas at a yard sale in Bangor, Maine. Bosch quickly realized that the Allin’s pancreas had the ability to bring out Incredible Hulk-like torrents of aggression in those who injected fluid from it into their bodies.
Rodriguez purportedly became a client of Biogenesis because he felt that the horse and elephant hormones he had been shooting into his system did not give him enough of an edge. ARod was the first of the Biogenesis clients to begin regularly cycling the Allin mixture. While he had success with the concoction, it came at a price.
While he had a great season in 2009 and led the Yankees to a World Series, his behavior started becoming extremely erratic. At one point during the playoffs that year, Rodriguez became enraged at Derek Jeter and intentionally projectile vomited on the Yankee captain’s girlfriend.
Things became much worse in 2010. He spent much of his time in the locker room listening to Hank Williams records and mumbling incoherently about wanting to be covered from head-to-toe in bacon grease. Before each at bat, he would put a lit cigarette out on his tongue. In June, ARod drew his first non-steroid related suspension when he head butted umpire Ken Keiser over a called third strike. During a September series in Arlington, he began lacerating his face and chest with a razor blade, bleeding into a water gun and firing it at hostile Texas Ranger fans.
Things came to a head during Spring Training in 2011 when Rodriguez allegedly beheaded a lion during the seventh inning stretch and began throwing its internal organs at Cub fans. He was restrained and removed from the premises by police, but not before ripping the front hood off of teammate Russell Martin’s Camaro in the parking lot.
Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman was concerned at the change that had taken place in Rodriguez. “Sure, he was always a spoiled, arrogant, narcissist, but we never felt he was a danger to the safety of those around him until 2009. That year, he started doing things that were, quite frankly, a bit strange. Let’s face it, urinating on second base to celebrate hitting a double is simply not the Yankee Way.”
In yet another in a growing series of scandals around baseball’s most beleaguered franchise, the New York Mets, details have begun to come out showing that left-handed reliever Pedro Feliciano was severely abused over the past few seasons. Yankees GM Brian Cashman yesterday claimed that the Mets had abused Feliciano in his time with the club. Since Cashman’s statement several sources close to the Mets organization have come out with horror stories about Feliciano’s treatment.
Former Mets Manager Jerry Manuel was responsible for much of the abuse. Sources confirm that Manuel locked Feliciano in a closet for 12 hours without food or air after he gave up a game-tying single to Phillies second basemen Chase Utley early last season. Things only got worse from there. Apparently, Feliciano was tied to the foul pole in right field during a rain delay in a game against the Nats in July after walking pitcher Drew Storen. Another source claims pitching coach Dan Warthen covered Feliciano’s left arm in honey and threatened to unleash hundreds of angry ants if Feliciano didn’t agree to stop using his breaking pitch to righthanders. Other sadistic punishments included being locked in a cage with an angry gorilla, being pummelled by former Vice President of Player Development Tony Bernazard and having to pitch to Ryan Howard with first base open. Treatment of Feliciano got so bad that Social Services removed him from the custody of the Mets on two occasions during last season.
The Mets front office could not be reached for comment about the Feliciano abuse allegations but have scheduled at 2 AM press conference to discuss the charges.