Metalhead Insult Form Letter

Occasionally we receive insulting or life-threatening posts or emails here at Tyranny of Tradition.  While we enjoy these greatly, we have begun to notice an alarming trend.  Most of them are either poorly written or possibly symptomatic of a severe break with what we commoners like to refer to as “reality”.  In order to improve the quality of these insults, we have created a form letter for those of you that struggle with expressing yourselves in writing. 

The answers are based on the most common, clichéd insults or recycled comments that we have received over past year and a half.  We left out any profanity or pseudo-ironic internet abbreviations that tend to be a major part of these letters so that we could focus more on content.  Questions 6 and 7 are meant to be representative of the majority of our insulters, so feel free to add your own information after the word “Other” if the responses don’t properly represent you.  Please use this form if you feel the sudden urge to attempt to humiliate or degrade us.  It will save us the many seconds that were wasted trying to figure out what you were talking about.

Dear ________________________________,

     A.  Internet Warrior

    B. Poser

    C. Guy who lives in his mother’s basement

    D. Troll

   E.  Idiot

Your blog sucks.  I read your last post and you are ______________. 

      A.  not funny

     B. not heterosexual

     C. a little troll who lives in his mother’s basement

     D. a butthurt, hipster English major

 E.  overweight

 F.  skinny and frail

  G.  the type of guy who thinks his beard and haircut makes him look like Kerry King when in fact it just makes him look homeless

   H.  Both E and G

   I.  Both F and G

J.  All of the Above

I hate you.  Your blog is _______________.

      A.  second-rate Onion

      B. a third-rate Onion

      C. just like The Onion

      D. like that internet site that does parodies of news articles

I hope you _________________. 

      A.  drown in a lake

      B.  die in a fire

      C.  get a girlfriend and stop writing

      D.  start doing something productive with your time

      E.  stop spamming pictures of Scott Baio onto my Myspace profile

      F.  move out of your mother’s basement

G.  Learn the proper uses of there and their

Your writing reminds me of _______________.

      A.  Everybody Loves Raymond

      B.  dog vomit

      C. The Onion

      D. the last Morbid Angel album

I spend a lot of time judging other people’s writing in my time as _____________ and yours is the worst I’ve ever read.

      A.  a metal message board moderator

      B. inmate 657891 at the Dannemora Correctional Institute

      C.  the president of the fan club of some black metal band that no one has ever heard of

      D.  a highly bored casualty of the current downsizing trend

       E. Other___________________________

  If I see you on the street I’ll probably _________________.

     A.  stare at you with a menacing look and hope that you notice my Burzum hoodie

     B.  tell you how much I love your blog

     C.  mutter under my breath about you living in your mother’s basement and hope you didn’t hear me

     D.  ask you if you write that blog that’s like a metal version of The Onion

E.  drive a spike through your head and dance on your corpse while singing “Transylvanian Hunger”

     E.  Other_____________________________

You suck,

Your fake internet name here_______________________________________

, , , , , , , , , ,

  1. #1 by Universe Number Five on March 19, 2012 - 4:39 PM

    Hahahaha, nice! I take it the previous incarnation of this was a rough draft that was posted accidentally! SPAM!!!!!!!!!!

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on March 19, 2012 - 4:40 PM

      YEAH! I was really annoyed about that. I hit space bar and the dang thing published! At least I got the Scott Baio pics out before it sent.

  2. #3 by John Erickson on March 19, 2012 - 6:07 PM

    There’s one minor problem with your theory here. Any moron ignorant enough to post hate mail here probably doesn’t know the letters of the alphabet, and would thus be stymied by your form.
    As opposed to us regular readers, who are ignorant morons but enjoy your posts. 😀

    • #4 by Keith Spillett on March 19, 2012 - 6:21 PM

      John, my man! I’ve missed you!!!!! How have you been???

      • #5 by John Erickson on March 19, 2012 - 6:39 PM

        Rotten, unfortunately. A week of real killer headaches – some of the worst I’ve ever had. Got through today okay, so I’m hoping they’re over and done with.
        Kinda sad, too. Blackjack went missing a couple months ago. Fortunately (for him), I found out that his owner sold him to some other guy for stud work. So he’s up to his … well … you get the idea. 😀

      • #6 by Keith Spillett on March 19, 2012 - 6:57 PM

        I’m sorry to hear that, John. Sounds like Blackjack has a good gig going though!

  3. #7 by Nurav on March 20, 2012 - 12:22 PM

    Sadly, the humor quotient in metalheads today seems to be alarmingly low. They still haven’t included “This Is Spinal Tap” in school curriculum, have they?

    • #8 by Keith Spillett on March 20, 2012 - 12:40 PM

      There is a real gap among the ‘headz. I’ve met some of the brightest, wittiest people I’ve ever known through metal. For every 10 great comments, I get one that shows very little creative thought. I don’t mean to paint everyone with the same brush, but the ones that are bad REALLY standout and were worthy of an homage article.

  4. #9 by joe on March 20, 2012 - 2:12 PM

    Dear Troll Idiot,
    Your blog sucks. I read your last post and you are both overweight and the type of guy who thinks his beard and haircut make him look like Kerry King when in fact it just makes him look homeless. I hate you. Your blog is a third-rate Onion.I hope you stop spamming pictures of Scott Baio onto my Myspace profile. Your writing reminds me of Everybody Loves Raymond mixed with dog vomit.I spend a lot of time judging other people’s writing in my time as inmate 657891 at the Dannemora Correctional Institute and yours is the worst I’ve ever read.If I see you on the street I’ll probably stare at you with a sensual gaze.
    You suck,
    Your fake internet name here Joe Belushei

    This is my attempt at an acceptable complaint letter. How did i do?

    • #10 by Keith Spillett on March 20, 2012 - 4:14 PM

      You knocked it out of the park. Stellar insulting, sir! I like the “sensual” ad lib towards the end. Well, I mean, in theory anyway.
      I’d like to see Everyone Loves Raymond mixed with dog vomit. That would be fun.

      • #11 by joe on March 21, 2012 - 12:23 PM

        Thanks, I was hopping this would be an adaquate letter, and yes it would be fun.

  5. #12 by victoriagrimalkin on March 20, 2012 - 4:06 PM

    Dear Keith,

    I tried to figure this out, but I am a

    “D. a butthurt, hipster English major”

    and it was too complicated.

    Luv, Grim

  6. #14 by Johnny Ringo on March 20, 2012 - 11:17 PM

    Dear Internet Warrior,

    Your blog sucks. I read your last post and you are the type of guy who thinks his beard and haircut makes him look like Kerry King when in fact it just makes him look homeless. I hate you. Your blog is like that internet site that does parodies of news articles.I hope you keep spamming pictures of Scott Baio onto my Myspace profile. Your writing reminds me of the last Morbid Angel album.I spend a lot of time judging other people’s writing in my time as the president of the fan club of some black metal band that no one has ever heard of and yours is the worst I’ve ever read.If I see you on the street I’ll probably stare at you with a menacing look and hope that you notice my Burzum hoodie.

    You suck,

    Varg Vikernes

  7. #16 by Not Phil Meil-Johnson on April 24, 2014 - 4:06 PM

    Dear idiotic internet poser troll who lives in his mom’s basement,

    Your blog sucks. I read your last post and you are an unfunny, homosexual/bisexual/asexual/something, overweight, skinny, frail, type of butthurt hipster English major who trolls in his mother’s basement thinking that that makes you look like Kerry King when in fact in makes you look like a homeless E and G. I hate you. Your blog is just like a 2.5th-rate Onion site that does parodies of news articles. I hope you drown in a flaming girlfriend who will make you do stop writing pictures of Scott Baio with your time somewhere other than your mother’s basement THERE. Your writing reminds me of The Everybody Loves dog vomit Insanus. I spend a lot of time judging other people’s writing in my time as a highly bored inmate at a metal message board that no one has ever heard of Other_____________ and yours is the worst I’ve ever read. If I see you on the street I’ll probably ask if I love your blog that’s like a metal version of The Onion and hope that you notive my Burzum hoodie while singing “Transylvanian Hunger” under my breath and hope you didn’t hear me Other_________________.

    You suck,

    Not Phil Meil-Johnson.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: