Posts Tagged Form letter

Metalhead Insult Form Letter

Occasionally we receive insulting or life-threatening posts or emails here at Tyranny of Tradition.  While we enjoy these greatly, we have begun to notice an alarming trend.  Most of them are either poorly written or possibly symptomatic of a severe break with what we commoners like to refer to as “reality”.  In order to improve the quality of these insults, we have created a form letter for those of you that struggle with expressing yourselves in writing. 

The answers are based on the most common, clichéd insults or recycled comments that we have received over past year and a half.  We left out any profanity or pseudo-ironic internet abbreviations that tend to be a major part of these letters so that we could focus more on content.  Questions 6 and 7 are meant to be representative of the majority of our insulters, so feel free to add your own information after the word “Other” if the responses don’t properly represent you.  Please use this form if you feel the sudden urge to attempt to humiliate or degrade us.  It will save us the many seconds that were wasted trying to figure out what you were talking about.

Dear ________________________________,

     A.  Internet Warrior

    B. Poser

    C. Guy who lives in his mother’s basement

    D. Troll

   E.  Idiot

Your blog sucks.  I read your last post and you are ______________. 

      A.  not funny

     B. not heterosexual

     C. a little troll who lives in his mother’s basement

     D. a butthurt, hipster English major

 E.  overweight

 F.  skinny and frail

  G.  the type of guy who thinks his beard and haircut makes him look like Kerry King when in fact it just makes him look homeless

   H.  Both E and G

   I.  Both F and G

J.  All of the Above

I hate you.  Your blog is _______________.

      A.  second-rate Onion

      B. a third-rate Onion

      C. just like The Onion

      D. like that internet site that does parodies of news articles

I hope you _________________. 

      A.  drown in a lake

      B.  die in a fire

      C.  get a girlfriend and stop writing

      D.  start doing something productive with your time

      E.  stop spamming pictures of Scott Baio onto my Myspace profile

      F.  move out of your mother’s basement

G.  Learn the proper uses of there and their

Your writing reminds me of _______________.

      A.  Everybody Loves Raymond

      B.  dog vomit

      C. The Onion

      D. the last Morbid Angel album

I spend a lot of time judging other people’s writing in my time as _____________ and yours is the worst I’ve ever read.

      A.  a metal message board moderator

      B. inmate 657891 at the Dannemora Correctional Institute

      C.  the president of the fan club of some black metal band that no one has ever heard of

      D.  a highly bored casualty of the current downsizing trend

       E. Other___________________________

  If I see you on the street I’ll probably _________________.

     A.  stare at you with a menacing look and hope that you notice my Burzum hoodie

     B.  tell you how much I love your blog

     C.  mutter under my breath about you living in your mother’s basement and hope you didn’t hear me

     D.  ask you if you write that blog that’s like a metal version of The Onion

E.  drive a spike through your head and dance on your corpse while singing “Transylvanian Hunger”

     E.  Other_____________________________

You suck,

Your fake internet name here_______________________________________

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