Posts Tagged james murphy

Heavy Metal Music Guitarist James Murphy Has The Power To Heal Seals!!!

James Murphy Seal Saver

Famed metal music guitarist James Murphy has a surprising new gig!!!  After years of playing music dedicated to the worship of evil in all its forms, Murphy has become a Seal Healer.  He’s currently saving the lives of hundreds of sick seals at Tampa’s famed marine mammal park SeaWorld. Murphy, who is himself a mammal, has been responsible for over 239 spiritual healings since his return from a Tibetan ashram last fall.

Murphy, who is best known for his work in Obituary, Disincarnate, Cancer, Konkhra, Testament, Agent Steel, Aggressor, Artension, Abigail Williams, Death, DAATH, Firewind, Gorguts, Malevolent Creation, Nevermore, Solstice, Vicious Rumors, Captain and Tenille, Cancer, Mitch Ryder and The Detroit Wheels, Count Basie and His Orchestra, The Oakland Raiders, Robocop, George McGovern’s failed 1976 Presidential Campaign, the Russo-Japanese War and Broken Hope, was hired by Seaworld after he gave mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a Hump Back Whale named Shalamar during an August visit to the park.

After Murphy’s heroic moment, SeaWorld discovered that he was a man of uncommon abilities, able to rescue seals from certain death using a bizarre form of chanting and telepathy taught to him by famed monk and Las Vegas crooner Wayne Newton.

“James is a magician. He looks into their sad, wounded eyes and revives the spark of life within them. He is a Level 27 Cleric, a healer, a saver of seals,” said SeaWorld International President and CEO Toro Jublio.

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Murphy, who was recently the recipient of this year’s Man of The Year Award from The International Ex-Seal Clubbers For Christ organization, has been quite humble about his accomplishments. “Really, saving seals is quite simple. I’d like to eventually work towards greater accomplishments like teaching advanced calculus to dolphins and instructing tuna fish on how to live happy, fulfilling lives without the need to be in water.”

Murphy plans on taking his Seal Revival show on the road this summer during his tour with the Italian disco-metal band Seventh Seal. The band will conclude each set with Murphy playing an instrumental version of Beethoven’s “Ode To Joy” while bringing a seal back from the dead. During the New York show at Madison Square Garden, he plans on reviving Stumpy, a Harbor Seal that died proudly serving his country during World War II.

Pig Destroyer plans to open for them during the North American leg of the tour.

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Metalhead Immolates Self In Protest Of Rolling Stone List Of Top 100 Metal Bands

The war over Rolling Stone’s list of the Top 100 metal albums of all time just got more heated.  On Thursday morning, metalhead activist Steve Dalkowski lit himself on fire in his living room in Asbury Park, New Jersey in an attempt to show his anger at the recent Top 100 list.  The fire consumed two-thirds of his house and his entire collection of Pig Destroyer live DVDs.  According to a note left by Dalkowski, he could “no longer live in a world where Borknagar’s 2012 release Urd is not given its proper respect by metal fans and the media as a whole.”

Dalkowski’s note, which railed against several notable omissions from the list, was scrawled on the back of a gatefold vinyl copy of “Anthems to The Welkin At Dusk”.  It included a scathing critique of the list, which he noted “failed to include anything by Darkthrone, Mayhem or any of the early Gorgoroth records.”  Further, he added that “the doom genre got totally and completely ignored.  What sort of Top 100 list would leave out anything by St. Vitus?”  He finished the note by excoriating the writers at Rolling Stone for “not even knowing which Death album James Murphy was on.”

Rolling Stone’s list has been criticized by many metalheads for including bands that are not traditionally considered heavy metal.  Number 23 on the list, for example, was Bob Dylan’s “Blonde on Blonde”.  The Shins “Oh, Inverted World” and Kanye West’s “Late Registration” were also considered worthy of being in the Top 100 causing great consternation among those who follow metal.  Still, Dalkowski’s reaction is considered extreme.

Dalkowski’s self-immolation is the latest in a string of metal related self-disfigurements.  Two months ago, Nevada metalhead Jim Loudermilk doused himself in sulfuric acid to protest Cryptopsy’s failure to use fretless bass on their recent self-titled album.  Last week, metal fan James Riley drowned himself in a giant vat of mustard in order to voice his displeasure that Bolt Thrower is not being allowed to play two sets at this year’s Maryland Death Fest.

Dalkowski is currently in critical condition at Mount Sinai hospital with burns over 90 percent of his body.  Doctors expect a full recovery but believe he might never again be able to grow hair on his tongue.

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