Posts Tagged Dungeons and Dragons
A few weeks back, I sent an email to A Band of Orcs, a death metal band of beasts who traveled to Earth from another realm. I was hoping to get an exclusive interview, but when I received no reply, I went about my life and forgot about it. Suddenly, on Saturday morning at 5 AM, I was awakened by a terrible howling noise followed by a frightening crash.
Gogog Bloodthroat, the singer from A Band Of Orcs, had broken down my front door and was climbing my stairs with a giant knife between his teeth. I tried desperately to run away, but Gogog grabbed me and pinned me against the wall. He was raving about a magic album they were recording that was coming out in June or July that was going to destroy all human eardrums. According to Gogog, the cover art was going to be done by a brilliant slave named Chuck Lukacs. I was able to ask him some questions before I blacked out from the beating I received.
Gogog: I was out in the stalls abusing the warhorses abusing calling them humans when you sent email. If you want to abuse something in your life or your realm, I found calling them human seals the deal. They are ready to throw some metal your way. Yes. YESSSSSS!!!!!
Tyranny: So let me ask you, I’ve never been an Orc before and I’m really curious…. What is a typical day in the life of an Orc like?
Gogog: Gogog never wake up too early. He make grunts do most work in mornings. But when Gogog wake up he smell, take deep breath, smell death, destruction and fire. That is Gogog’s breakfast. Wake up in morning, go out, abuse warhorses. Then, we go out, dominate, play heavy metal for all the pathetic humans that are out there in your realm. They are sooooooo….pathetic…..I love that word. Patheeeetic. I use that word from the Waterdog….he tell me “pathetic”. He tell me “your thought patterns are pathetic”. I love it! Everything pathetic!
Tyranny: You have an excellent vocabulary for a flesh-eating beast….
Gogog: Pathetic!!! Ahmmmmmmmmm….(incoherent growling)
Tyranny: If they had a monster SAT that could end up on it. Great word.
Gogog: It helps having a Shaman who teaches you vocabulary so you can speak to the stinky flesh piles such as yourself.
Tyranny: Well, thank you!
Gogog: It is a complement!!!! (more incoherent growling followed by horrifying laughter)
Tyranny: What possesses an Orc to start playing music? It doesn’t seem like a natural thing for you to do. Why did you start a heavy metal band?
Gogog: Well………SLAYER!!!!! REIGN IN BLOOD!!!!! We hear as Orcs, need to know, what is this magic? We hear this we feel like destroying. Jed! The one human that lives. That is all I must say.
Gogog: He teach us this magic you call metal. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. We must play constantly. Metal hurt. Metal don’t hurt, humans hurt. You scratch our back, we destroy yours.
Tyranny: Is it hard to play instruments with Orcfingers?
Gogog: Not at all. Orcs play everything with their fingers. You should hear the noise when we pick our ears. We have very thick ear hair to keep elves and berries out of our ears. Nobody hears the music that comes out of our ears when we pick them. Just Orc. It’s almost as beautiful as heavy metal! Everyday we learn more. We learn more. Hail Gzoroth!
(My 3 year-old daughter walked into the room at this point totally oblivious to the giant Orc holding me by the throat against the wall.)
My daughter: (excitedly) Daddy, my rash is better.
Tyranny: That’s great, sweetie. I’m talking to an Orc right now. Why don’t you go downstairs?
Gogog: Does the little princess want to ask a question?
Tyranny: No…No….She’s fine. (Thankfully, she left at this point and didn’t become Orcfood) Now, I keep hearing you talk about The Maelstrom. What is…(overly dramatic pause)….The Maelstrom?
Gogog: Maelstrom! Vortex of a lot of power magic. Destruction. Destroys everything around it. Bottom line…it brings the tribe.
Tyranny: I heard a story from your manager, Mr. Grimp….
Gogog: (laughing hysterically) YEEEEEEEEES! Mr. Grimp!!!! YEEEEESSSSSS! Know your place! YEEEEESSSSSSS!!!
Tyranny: How did you arrive on earth?
Gogog: That’s where humans get confused. We are not aliens. We not come from a different planet, we came from different realm. We come through Vortex, Maelstrom, that is the difference. We are not Martians! HeheahaaaaaaaaHeahahhahahahahahhahahahhaha………Martians! That is really funny. We come from a different REALM! REALM!! REALM!!!!!!
Tyranny: You came here through the Vortex???
Gogog: Kids playing Dungeons and Dragons, of course. Rolling dice. Gruesom Grimp is big jokester. He bring us through. (unintelligible shouting) He bring us through Vortex. Bring Orcs to Santa Cruz, California. Not knowing what’s going on. We destroyed everybody right there. Then, we hear magic in the tower above. We run upstairs and we hear SLAYER….REIGN IN BLOOD!!! Most amazing magic. Vortex. Maelstrom. I can’t say more.
Tyranny: That’s a beautiful story….
Gogog: People travel to Santa Cruz mountains now not only to find Bigfoot, now to find Orc. People everywhere we see! When Orc Tower appear, Bigfoot scared! We see Groongrich all the time. Humans say “See the Groongrich!” We the Groongrich!
Gogog: Groongrich!!!! GROONGRICH!!!! It’s something big in distance that oogs. You know your life is in danger, but yet you not know what it is. GROONGRICH!!!!
Tyranny: Groongridge??? Groongrich???
Gogog: (becoming hostile) GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOONGRICH!!!!!!!!! Must I spell?!?!?
Tyranny: I got it! As you may know, There is a lot of anti-Orc propaganda out there. What could you say to help convince the readers that Orcs are actually charming, lovable and benevolent creatures?
Gogog: Anti-Orc Propaganda!!!!!!!!
Tyranny: Yeah, people say they eat human flesh, they smell, they don’t clean up after themselves and are pretty anti-social.
Gogog: Yes….yes….all of the above. Humans are very good at destroying what they don’t understand. That’s why Orc still here. Humans understand Orc. We smelly, we mean, we don’t have love for anything on the planet. That’s us!
Tyranny: Let’s talk about your eating of human flesh. Now, you do eat human flesh, correct?
Gogog: NO!!!!! Gogog wear human flesh. Human taste like….meh…..it stink. Almost like Orc, but worse. We have human over. Eat brain. Leave drums for Oog. Oog make cymbals out of all kinds of human stuff. Then, we take the flesh and we wear it, we put it on. We wear it at war. I only wear the ugliest humans. The fur you see on Gogog is not animal fur, but hairy human.
Tyranny: You are kind to animals???
Gogog: NO!!!!! Not at all! We hope they take over your realm and destroy you guys. That’s why we call them all human. Like taking a Groongrich, sticking it with stink and calling it dumb and human. They take over EARTH!!! EARTH!!!! EARTH!! Hahahahahahahhahahahaaaaaa….
Tyranny: What have been some of your most successful human hunting strategies?
Gogog: To take a human down!?!?!? We play metal. You not see this on your Youtube, your Twitterface. You see human scum. We take the camera, post it on Youtube, DRUMS, CYMBALS, so on and so on.
Tyranny: You have some pretty imposing tusks. Are there Orc dentists who help you maintain proper dental hygiene? How often do Orcs need to brush and floss?
Gogog: Hairy humans! We bite into hairy humans with tusks, clean tusks, we ready to go. We show everything, we no hide. You see everything. Humans in your realm hide everything. We show you everything. Therefore, you think we lie. We no lie, we tell you the truth.
Tyranny: That was actually pretty deep.
Gogog: YES! You struggle with your words, Gogog speak truth now. Pick up jaw off ground.
Tyranny: A lot of my readers are interested to know what they can do to be spared when the Orcpocalypse comes. What’s your advice for them?
Gogog: Hail Gzoroth!!!! Buy our merch. Buy tee-shirt. Make armor out of it.
Tyranny: So, if they buy your merch or the new album that your working on, will they be spared.
Gogog: Most definitely. You buy CD, new album, tee-shirt, you spared. We see bumper sticker on car. Leave spared! We see! We travel in cage on back of tour bus. We see through holes for air. We see bumper sticker say “Band of Orcs”. They are the chosen ones, because they choose. You see! You choose, you get! Nothing for free. Well, sometimes. Gronk! Throw stuff out in crowd for free. We argue, but Gronk! always right. We think he magic. Like what you humans call Jedi Mind Trick.
At that point, the pain of being hit repeatedly in the skull with an elephant femur became too much to bear and I passed out. I awoke in a bed at Grady Hospital in downtown Atlanta a day later with multiple concussions and a missing ear. Hopefully, Gogog will be pleased with this interview and will leave me alone. Hail Gzoroth!
Fellow Deranged Wanderers
- 5,447,149 lives ruined
- Ozzy Checks Into Rehabilitation Center For Addiction To Marzipan
- Wormrot Still “Worst Funeral Drone Doom Band”
- How Jaded Reviewers See Metal Reviews
- Rihanna Signs with Unique Leader Records
- Donald Trump Revealed To Be First Cro-Mags Singer
- Fleshgod Apocalypse Drummer Passes Turing Test
- Abbath Comes Out
- Pokémon GO: Jamey Jasta Caught in Florida for Trespassing
- Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing
- Basketball Coaching Nonsense
- BlaK Dan's Theatre of Cruelty
- Blithering Sports Fan Prattle
- Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers
- Existential Rambings
- General Weirdness
- Health Tips for An Early Death
- HEAVY METAL MUST BE DESTROYED
- Here's Why I Dislike You So Much
- King Diamond For President in 2012
- Mr. Spillett's Academy Of Film Study For The Mentally Tormented
- Notes on Carcass Heartwork
- Parenting Tips For Those With Children
- People Who Were Willing To Speak To Me
- Pointless Music Reviews
- Pointyheaded Highbrow Stuff
- Really Brilliant Things You Should Read But Probably Won't Because You Are A Pantera Fan
- Sunday Funnies
- The Exorcism of Glen Benton
- The One Time I Left The House
- The Poetry of Death
- The Politics Of Catastrophe
- The Resurrection of Michael Jackson
- The Sarah Palin Fiasco
- Totally Useless Information
- November 2017
- October 2016
- September 2016
- August 2016
- July 2016
- June 2016
- May 2016
- January 2016
- December 2015
- October 2015
- September 2015
- August 2015
- July 2015
- June 2015
- May 2015
- April 2015
- March 2015
- February 2015
- January 2015
- December 2014
- November 2014
- October 2014
- September 2014
- August 2014
- July 2014
- June 2014
- May 2014
- April 2014
- March 2014
- February 2014
- January 2014
- December 2013
- November 2013
- October 2013
- September 2013
- August 2013
- July 2013
- June 2013
- May 2013
- April 2013
- March 2013
- February 2013
- October 2012
- September 2012
- July 2012
- June 2012
- May 2012
- April 2012
- March 2012
- February 2012
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
Top Posts & Pages
- Five Fantastic Facts About Donkeys
- Danzig To Sue Everyone On Earth
- Deicide’s Glen Benton Saves Baby From Burning Building; Throws It Back
- Former Night Court Star Richard Moll Introduced As New Vocalist For Napalm Death
- Morgan Freeman Slated To Play King Diamond In New Film
- Stick To The Original Plan and Wait For The Concert
- About The Tyranny of Tradition
- George Clooney Agrees to Buy Bones of Bathory’s Quorthon For 1.6 Million Dollars
- You Agree to Participate in The Exorcism of Glen Benton
- Mike Browning Rejoins Morbid Angel, Announces Split With Band
WordsAbbath art Atlanta barack obama Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories baseball basketball Black metal Black Sabbath Burzum Carcass Cronos Danzig dave mustaine death Deicide existential dread existentialism fear freedom Glenn Danzig God Health Heartwork heavy metal heavy metal music Hipsters Human Humor Iron Maiden James Hetfield Jeffrey Walker Jeff Walker Judas Priest Kerry King King Diamond King Diamond For President in 2012 Lars Ulrich Lemmy liberty Manowar Marshall McLuhan megadeth Mercyful Fate Metal Metallica Mitt Romney Morbid Angel Music NBA Ozzy Ozzy Osbourne Pantera Phil Anselmo philosophy politics President Religion and Spirituality Republican Richard Nixon Rick Santorum Ronald Reagan Satan Shopping silkk the shocker Slayer suffering Sweden terrorism Testament Tony Iommi United States Varg Vikernes Venom weird