Of Antlers and Essence


(Whatever you do, when you get up to the counter, do not say the word “antlers”.  You want a cup of water.  This is McDonald’s.  There are people in line behind you.  They are anxious to get their McRibs or apple pies or whatever they came here for.  Just say “Water, please”.  That’s all.  Don’t screw this….)

Woman Behind The Counter:  Welcome to McDonald’s.  How can I help you?

Me:  Antlers.

Woman: (with a quizzical, mildly amused look)  Uhmm.  How can I help you?

Me:   Antlers?

Woman:  Sir?

Me:  (pleadingly)  Antlersssssss…

Woman:  (in a sacchariney sweet “oh, I get it, your trying to be funny and I’m trying to get through the day without choking a customer” voice)  Ha.  No sir, we don’t have antlers?  Would you like a Quarter Pounder?

Me:  (I swear, I’m trying to say “water”)  Antlers…antlers, antlers…..aaaaaanttttlers.

Woman:  (losing patience)  Sir, we do not have antlers?  What is it that you….

Me:  (I have lost any control of my tone)  ANTLERS!!!!!!!!

Woman:  (looking frightened)  Uhm.  Sir, are you okay?

Me:  Antlers?  Antlers!  Antlersantlersantlersantlers!!!  ANT-LERS!!!!!

(The people in line behind me are growing more impatient.  There is angry mumbling.  People behind the counter are starting to pay attention)

Woman:  (near tears)  Sir, I’m going to have to go get the manager.  I don’t understand…..

Me:  Antlers!!!!!  What part of antlers do you not understand????  ANTLERS!!!!

(The woman behind the counter turns and begins to walk towards the back of the kitchen)

Me:  (Turning towards the gathering crowd behind me) Antlers!!!!  All I want are some antlers!  Antlers!  I’m thirsty!!!  Don’t you understand! Antlers!!!!  Anyone….please!!!!

A large man in the line:  (helpfully)  Are you okay?  Do you need some….assistance??

Me:  I asked for antlers!  Not a difficult request!  Antlers!  Antlers!  Antlers!  Am I not speaking English or something?

An elderly woman behind me in line:  (slowly dipping her hand in her purse for either mace or a cellphone)  I think that you are confused.  Antlers are things that are on a deer’s head?

Her husband:  Or an elk.  Or a caribou.  Or a…..

Me:  Listen you ignorant mongrel!  I came in here, I asked politely for antlers and these people are acting like I’m crazy.  ANTLERS!!!  You are trying to confuse me, but I’m not confused.  I’m as clearheaded as I have ever been IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.  I was born in New Rochelle Hospital!  My mom’s maiden name is Czechlowski!  I have green eyes!  The 18th President was Ulysses S. Grant!  ANTLERS!!!!

(The enormous manager comes out from behind the counter with a menacing look.  He puts his hand on my shoulder.  I spin around and glare at him.  His name tag reads “Timothy”)

Manager:  Sir, I’m going to have to ask….

Me:  ANTLERS!  Listen you burger flipping, fry shoveling fascist!  I made a simple request.  I asked for….

Manager:  (sternly)  You are going to have to…..

Me:  NO!!!  I will not be silent in the face of tyranny! I will not wilt in the face of oppression!  I will not change my order!!!  I will not stand mutely as you ignore my desideratum!!!!  You will not press down upon my brow with this crown of French fries!!!!  You will not crucify me upon an arch of gold!!!!!!

Manager:  (looking towards the kitchen)  Somebody needs to call the police.  CALL THE POLICE!!!!  (looking at me)  Sir, if you do not calm down you are going to be arrested.  Please…CALM DOWN!!!!

Me:  Calm down!!!  Don’t tell me to calm down. Don’t you understand!!!  Antlers….you mindless chromosome deficient mongoloid!  Antlers are all I wanted!  ANTLERS!!!!!  The world is falling apart!  The ice caps are melting!  Small microbes are currently circulating through this room AS WE SPEAK that have the power to kill us all!  I just want some ANTLERS!!!!

Manager:  (trying to hold in his fury)  Okay….OKAY….we don’t have any antlers?  Is there anything….ANYTHING….else we can get you?

Me:  ESSENCE!!!!!

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  1. #1 by Orange (a/k/a David) on April 28, 2013 - 12:39 PM

    Ionesco is reborn.

    • #2 by Jim Wheeler on April 28, 2013 - 1:11 PM

      Orange you gonna clarify that?

      • #3 by Orange (a/k/a David) on April 28, 2013 - 5:00 PM

        I was thinking of Ionesco’s plays “Rhiniceros” and “The Bald Soprano”. I used to think they were about something. Now, I realize it’s about antlers.

    • #4 by Keith Spillett on April 28, 2013 - 2:42 PM

      It’s a shame that Ionesco is gone (Eugene, for those of you keeping score at home). I am trying to get his decaying corpse to write my autobiography.

  2. #5 by mirkinfirkin on April 28, 2013 - 1:07 PM

    It is well known that most MacDonald’s, with the exception of those in Quebec, where it’s MacDonald, are embarrassed about their antlers (that’s why they push artificial chicken or pork products. They have no beef, just ask at Wendy’s [Wendy in Quebec]). Also, asking for water at a MacDonald’s would pollute your precious bodily fluids, contaminating any essence you have, so not a good idea to start with.

    • #6 by sunshinefromshadows on April 28, 2013 - 1:15 PM

      Actually their chicken products are mostly antlers. That’s why they’re so crunchy.

      • #7 by Keith Spillett on April 28, 2013 - 2:49 PM

        They are in season from July to October. If you get a batch outside of that stretch, they are quite gamey.

    • #8 by Keith Spillett on April 28, 2013 - 2:48 PM

      Quebec is an illusion. A bad bit of saurkraut I had at dinner last night. Don’t trust anything they tell you.

      • #9 by mirkinfirkin on April 28, 2013 - 4:16 PM

        No, Quebec is not a good place for sauerkraut. Reality itself is too twisted, especially in bat country.

  3. #10 by Jim Wheeler on April 28, 2013 - 1:09 PM

    • #11 by Keith Spillett on April 28, 2013 - 2:41 PM

      People out there are crazy! This is why I don’t leave the house.

  4. #12 by sunshinefromshadows on April 28, 2013 - 1:14 PM

    Hm. Czechlowski. Is that Ukranian?
    Oh, and good post.

  5. #14 by BlubberMouthMetal on April 28, 2013 - 2:09 PM

    The proof is in the pudding.

    • #15 by Keith Spillett on April 28, 2013 - 2:42 PM

      Pudding is a poor man’s cornflakes.

      • #16 by mirkinfirkin on April 28, 2013 - 4:12 PM

        Reminds me of my student days – pudding and beer … mmmmmmmmmmm ………….

  6. #17 by Universe Number Five on April 28, 2013 - 4:05 PM

    A 39 cent supersizing is in order…

    • #18 by mirkinfirkin on April 28, 2013 - 4:22 PM

      39 cents? For just 99 cents your likeness will appear 200 hundred feet tall on a screen above downtown Las Vegas, Quebec.

      • #19 by Universe Number Five on April 28, 2013 - 6:20 PM

        well, you clearly have to weigh out which of these propositions serves your interests… for me a Larger pair of Caribous beats a picture of me in the Nordique Den o’ Sin…

  7. #20 by mirkinfirkin on April 28, 2013 - 8:37 PM

    Just had a thought … don’t know if this is even in the realm of possibility, but it just occurred to me while my monkey was getting touched, and I could be entirely wrong in this, but with this fixation on antlers … could it simply be that you might actually just be horny?

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