Posts Tagged United States
The Man Who Would Be King Diamond
Posted by Keith Spillett in King Diamond For President in 2012 on August 23, 2011
(Here’s a great piece that was on CNN’s website last Friday)
(CNN)-After watching him burst from the obscure world of heavy metal music onto the national stage as a Republican candidate for the Presidency, most Americans are asking the same question, “Who is King Diamond?” As of 2010, most political commentators hadn’t even heard the album Fatal Portrait let alone considered him to be a possible challenger to Barack Obama’s Presidency. However, the past few months have seen a whirlwind of political action by The King, including solving the debt crisis, helping to overthrow Mubarak’s government in Egypt and giving a speech in front of 2 million screaming, poorly-dressed metalheads at this month’s Million Metalhead March.
Not only is The King gathering a flood of support from disaffected Republicans (as well as some Democrats), his shadowy political action committee, known as THEM, has raised over 13 million dollars in less than 2 weeks. In order to understand King Diamond’s appeal to voters, it is first important to learn about his fascinating background. In many ways, The King’s story is America’s story.
Kim Bendix Peterson was born in Copenhagen, Denmark in 1739. He was the son of Per Peterson, a blacksmith, and Abigail Peterson, a blood-drinking witch who was a direct descendant of the God Poseidon. He was an intelligent young man who was deeply interested in alchemy, local politics and dead animals. When he turned 16, he had his first meeting with the Dark Lord Satan, who was working as a science teacher at The King’s high school. Satan, who was impressed by young Kim’s quick wit and nimble mind, became something of a mentor to him. “I remember when I first met him,” said Satan in an exclusive interview with CNN last week, “you could just tell he was going to do great things.”
When Kim turned 21, he officially took on the name King Diamond during a ritual sacrifice of Copenhagen’s largest water buffalo. The King was immediately given the powers of invisibility, the ability to cast spells on those he felt were deserving of torment and the occasional ability to raise the dead. Satan worried that The King might be taking on too much at a young age, but Diamond was able to keep things in perspective, rising to the role of Dark Prince in a span of less than five years.
Things haven’t always been easy for The King. Diamond has had to overcome several major obstacles in his life including a yearlong bout with bubonic plague and his grandmother’s devastating battle with mental illness. However, nothing compares to the horrible four year stretch where he was dead back in the 1840s. After being burned at the stake by wild-eyed French farmers who believed he caused blight on their crops, he was trapped in a darkened purgatory for what seemed like eternity. Eventually Charon, the ferryman on the river Styx, found the King screaming falsetto Latin choruses at passing demons and led him out of the realm of eternal darkness. “I felt like The King still had so much evil to bring to the world,” said Charon in his biography “Rollin’ On The River of The Dead: A Memoir”, “so I took pity on his soul and returned him to the world of the living. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”
After his return to earth, The King became involved in politics, eventually landing a high-ranking position as Ambassador to Russia under President Teddy Roosevelt. While in the Roosevelt administration, Diamond accidently helped to negotiate the end of the Russo-Japanese War. For his work, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize along with the President, an Award that he tossed into a blazing fire moments after he received it. Things turned sour between him and Roosevelt soon after when the President refused to allow Satan to take control of Arizona, which he believed Satan rightfully won from the President in a game of poker. The King became disillusioned with politics and travelled to the Far East in order to learn meditation techniques from several enlightened masters.
The King returned to Europe in the 1970s and began his career as a musician, believing that music was the best way to spread his message of unbridled horror to the world. After stints in bands like Brainstorm and Black Rose, the King truly found his calling in the 1980s fronting metal legends Mercyful Fate. Along with the seven studio albums he recorded with Fate, he also put together twelve magnificent studio records as a solo artist. After seeing what he referred to as the “embarrassing state of American politics”, he decided it was time to return and save America from the “tyranny of the painfully stupid”. The King plans to bring a no-nonsense approach to governing that includes a more equitable tax code and the return of the guillotine. He has a bold, striking vision for America that many consider radical. However, in these troubled times, a radical message like his may be just what Americans are looking for.
King Diamond Rocks Million Metalhead March, Announces Presidential Run
Posted by Keith Spillett in King Diamond For President in 2012, The Politics Of Catastrophe on August 13, 2011
Yesterday, over 1.8 million Metalheads marched on Washington D.C. demanding equal rights, less corruption in government and Hipster Reform. The rally, one of the largest in the nation’s history, culminated on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial with speeches by metal luminaries the likes of Steve Harris, Joey Demaio and Thomas Gabriel Warrior. However, the big moment took place at 4 PM when metal legend King Diamond repelled down the Washington Monument and strode onto the stage to give his keynote address.
Speculation has grown over the last few weeks about a possible King Diamond run for President in 2012. The crowd eagerly awaited his announcement. Metalheads traveled from as far away as New Zealand to see the speech. Jimmy “Buzzsaw” Samhain, a King Diamond fan since his older brother loaned him Abagail when he was 8, travelled by bus from Flagstaff, Arizona to see the speech. “He’s going to save us. I wouldn’t have travelled 3 days through a terrible blizzard to see him if I didn’t know for sure that HE IS THE ONE!!!!”
The Crowd HAILS The King as He Begins His Speech
The crowd didn’t have to wait long to find out The King’s plans. Early in the speech, he thrilled the crowd by making his intentions clear. “In 2012, the spirit of evil will overtake Washington and I will lead this nation back to greatness. I will be your next President!!!!!”
Many questions have arisen about the problems King Diamond’s campaign might face. Steven Witchkiller, of the organization Black Metal Fans For Truth, openly asked the question in an editorial written for the Washington Post on Wednesday whether someone born in Denmark could be President of the United States. Witchkiller is clearly unaware of the provision in the 17th Amendment to the Constitution that allows Danes and Swedes to run for President. It was passed during Woodrow Wilson’s administration to thank Denmark and Sweden for their unyielding support during World War I. Diamond would actually be the second Danish born President, following in the footsteps of Gerald Ford. However, many legal scholars have argued that since most Americans struggle to know the difference between Amendments and Commandments, the 17th might not actually apply.
Other members of the press have wondered what The King believes about many of the major issues facing Americans. Up until yesterday, many Americans didn’t even know what party he would run with. In a press release issued last night after the March, The King stated he would run as a Republican, in spite of his dislike of nearly every stance that Party has taken in the past 30 years. It is felt that his best chances lay in running Republican due to the general weakness, mindless incompetence and borderline insanity of most of the candidates currently in the field.
None of these issues seemed to matter as The King addressed 1.8 million screaming metal maniacs. After breathing fire for two consecutive minutes at the beginning of his speech, The King launched into a passage that will be taught in classrooms 200 years from now. In order to fully capture its spirit, we will reprint this section in its entirety.
“See…..I have dreams, too. Dreams of doctors putting giant spiders on their patients, dreams of grandmother’s evil gnarled hands reaching out from beyond the grave, dreams of ghastly horsemen chasing me through the night. I dream the dreams of pure mortal terror. I dream of a Washington over taken by headless ghouls and heartless corpses. I dream of an America so consumed by rage and horror that people cannot even leave their homes without fear of being attacked by hounds sent by the Dark Lord himself. I dream of a day where little metalhead boys and girls can wildly assault and maim hipster children without the fear of going to jail. I dream of a giant rock concert with all Americans, except hipsters, swaying back and forth, listening to “”Amon” Belongs To “Them””. We will let the bells of evil and malice ring from the hills of Georgia to the mountains of Colorado. We will let the bells of darkness and torment ring from sea to shining sea. And when these bells ring Americans will know it’s time to join hands and sing (falsetto) “Toooooonight The Circle Is Broken Forever!!!!!!!”
The March was not without its problems. Three metalheads were arrested by police for giving a “corpse paint makeover” to the statue of Lincoln behind the stage. Hipster protestors and metalheads clashed in front of the Capitol for five minutes when one of the protestors played a Band of Horses song from his radio. In spite of these isolated incidents, the day was a rousing success and may well be the beginning of a political campaign that will reshape the nation for generations to come.
Everything Is Dumb
Posted by Keith Spillett in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing, The Politics Of Catastrophe on August 11, 2011
“It is not a case of choosing those [faces] that, to the best of one’s judgment, are really the prettiest, nor even those that average opinion genuinely thinks the prettiest. We have reached the third degree where we devote our intelligences to anticipating what average opinion expects the average opinion to be. And there are some, I believe, who practice the fourth, fifth and higher degrees.”
–John Maynard Keynes discussing Beauty Contests in the General Theory of Employment Interest and Money, 1936
Do you believe in big government? Then you must be a communist who looks to manipulate lazy poor people into voting for you by offering them the opportunity to spend the rest of their lives as indolent pikers. Dumb. Do you believe in small government? Then you must be an evil spirited misanthrope who doesn’t care one bit about anyone but yourself. Dumb. Are you pro-choice? Then you must be a maniacal baby killer who seeks to undermine basic human values. Dumb. Are you pro-life? Then you must be one of those religious psychopaths who want to force women back into the June Cleaver model of complete helplessness and social inferiority. Dumb. Do you like Obama? Then you are clearly in favor of the destruction of the American Way of Life. Dumb. Do you hate Obama? Then you are clearly a closeted racist unable to cope with the forces of progress. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
It’s all so insanely dumb. CNN had a question on their Facebook site last night asking all of their likers the question of what should be done about the economy. Everybody responded with some inane pet theory running the gamut from the flat tax to value added taxes to the repeal of all taxes to forcing the Chinese to send their entire work force to Africa to the Fair Tax to more sin taxes, etc. 2,658 comments in 15 hours. People inevitably started arguing and quoting dumb things they heard other people say. People called each other names. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Everybody’s an expert. Each man a king, each woman a queen. Dumb.
I am not exempt from this sort of asinine posturing. I have moments where I forget that I am part of the mob. Wishful thinking does occasionally overtake my brain. The wicked, awful truth is by contributing to the blogosphere, I have merely exchanged my pitchfork and torch for a MacBook. I get worked up over the horrors of military spending or the Ponzi scheme-like quality of modern finance or the disgusting, venal nature of American politics from time to time and write about it. Dumb.
The truth of the whole thing is far worse than a person can contemplate without a complete psychic meltdown. It’s not just that we are dumb, that idea by itself is tolerable, even somewhat amusing. It’s that the product of all modern discourse seems to be dumb. Let’s assume for a moment that some of us want to use reason as an antidote to the basic dumbness of our world. Fine. Good luck. The non-dumb folks among us are welcome to use subtle, intelligent arguments to understand the world. It’s a free country, as they say.
Now, let’s say one of the non-dumb want to step outside of the perimeters of their mental world and, say, lessen the suffering of others or effect social change on any level. Well, those folks will present their ideas to a population that, for the most part, is uncomfortable and even threatened by anything that resembles reason. Let’s say you are making a reasoned argument for the truth of global warming. How on earth could you possibly explain the nuances of a concept like that to a person who believes that science is completely untrustworthy and dinosaurs weren’t real? Every time it snows they will thumb their nose at you and scream out “SEE!” Let’s say you are a bright and articulate religious person and you want to make a reasoned argument for what you believe? You will be met with every anti-religious cliché in the book and lumped together with sycophants from Jimmy Swaggart to Ayman Al-Zawahiri. You can’t win.
Eventually, the pure force of dumbness will overpower any even moderately intelligent argument. Seeing this, a person making reasonable arguments might well begin to lose trust in their audience. In order to enact any sort of change in our world, one must not just have a great idea, one must have an idea that the mob can be talked into. When the realities of the situation begin to occur to someone with an idea, they naturally begin to tailor their ideas to the wild eccentricities of the mob.
Most people might not understand the nuances of the idea of a welfare state, but they can certainly be convinced that its not right that someone who has a private jet pay the same taxes as they do. Now, the argument has moved out of the realm of thought and into the realm of pure, visceral dumbness. Pretty soon, an intelligent point about general inequity has become a shouting match between “the defenders of those with private jets” and “those who hate America.”
The upshot of all this weirdness is that extremely intelligent people are forced into becoming absurd polemicists. The merits of the idea take a backseat to the constant push and pull of public opinion. This idea is perfectly captured in the earlier quote by Keynes. The whole thing becomes a Faustian Beauty Contest fought not on the merits of what is beautiful, but rather, on the merits of what the mob might find the most beautiful.
Finding a point of view that makes sense becomes a lot like defensive driving. You are not driving based solely on the rules of the road, rather you drive based on what the idiot in the Camaro doing 100 miles per hour with a Pabst Blue Ribbon in his lap might think the rules of the road are. Even if you drive well, the moron next to you can still kill you. So, you adjust to the stupidity of the whole venture. In that adjustment, ideas that are logical are often jettisoned for more acceptable generalizations that can be absorbed by a mass of angry people. And those generalizations are met with counter generalizations, which are met with counter generalizations. The whole thing gets pushed out to the n-th degree. Suddenly, we are excitedly screaming at each other over what Joe The Plumber thinks. After a few hundred rounds of this everyone’s an idiot and no one can tell the difference. Over and over and back and forth. Dumb.
I offer no solution to this problem. This may well be how democracy works when you get it out of the textbooks; I’m not sure. I do wonder what the outcome of this insanity will be. I feel like I’m chained to 300 million lunatics going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Everyone is paddling in different directions. Everyone thinks that they know how to escape and are just as convinced that the morons next to them are messing things up. We argue over how we got in the barrel, we argue over how to best get out of the barrel, we argue over whether The Falls are even real, we argue over how big the barrel is, we argue over who should get out of the barrel first, we argue over whether we should work together or separately. The result of all this strain and turmoil is no different then if we did nothing at all. We move towards The Falls with no clear explanation of what is happening and no possibility of ever getting out of our predicament. Dumb.
Members of Morbid Angel Eat Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young in Bizarre Promotional Stunt
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on August 6, 2011
CSNY Only Moments Before Being Ingested By Morbid Angel
In an attempt to revive sluggish sales of their new record, Ilud Divinum Insanus, Florida death metal band Morbid Angel ate all four members of 60’s pop supergroup Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young in a paganistic blood ceremony last night in Des Moines, Iowa. While the move was thought by many to be too extreme, Morbid Angel felt that they owed this to their fans. According to Vincent, “Several of our legion of metal warriors were disappointed by the latest release. We wanted to reach out and let them know, in no uncertain terms, that we are still committed to the values that once made us great. In eating these aging rock legends, we sent a message that Morbid Angel is back.”
Apparently, the band had been hunting Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young for over a month. After several near misses, they finally captured them backstage at the Iowa Peace and Freedom Festival after a beautiful encore of “Teach Your Children”. Initially, the band had only considered eating David Crosby, but the opportunity to devour the entire group proved to be tempting to resist. Morbid Angel was particularly lucky to have consumed the band in the State of Iowa, one of three remaining American states that have not outlawed cannibalism. “Every once an a while the good lord hands you a golden opportunity,” said guitarist Trey Azagthoth, “we knew it was the right thing to do.”
The eating of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young follows a recent trend of gormandizing grizzled rock veterans. Earlier in the month, Deicide singer and all around nice guy Glenn Benton ate the leg of Scottish singer songwriter Donovan during a spirited version of “Hurdy-Gurdy Man”. Country Joe McDonald, of Country Joe and the Fish fame, survived an attack of bloodthirsty members of the band Malevolent Creation by hiding all night in an abandoned farmhouse waiting for police. Clearly, Morbid Angel’s devouring of an entire band was meant to up the ante and bring death metal to the next level.
Since last night’s attack, Morbid Angel has received nearly 10,000 rambling letters of support. One letter was nearly 800 pages long with nothing but the phrase “Mormo loves me, Mormo loves us” scrawled again and again in red finger paint. Vincent claims he has been asked by several fans for his recipe. “Young was quite dry. It was important to add a good deal of cumin and sherry to overcome the taste of years of whiskey and bad living. The rest of the group required very little seasoning. Graham Nash was particularly delicious!”
As of now, Morbid Angel has no plans to eat any other celebrities, although with the declining economy, many Americans are expected to resort to cannibalism as grocery store shelves become emptier by the day. Morbid Angel’s record label, Seasons of Mist has already begun to capitalize on yesterday’s events by selling tee-shirts with “Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young” crossed out and replaced by “Breakfast, Lunch, Snack, and Dinner”. Rumors have circulated that a Morbid Angel human cookbook called “Morbid Angel Cooks With The Stars” may be available in time for Christmas.
King Diamond Solves Debt Crisis, Considers Presidential Run
Posted by Keith Spillett in King Diamond For President in 2012, The Politics Of Catastrophe on August 3, 2011
The King Speaking To Reporters After Yesterday’s Debt Agreement
As the President signed the agreement ending the American debt ceiling crisis into law it became clear that there is a new hero in Washington D.C. and his name is King Diamond. The King, using his incredible powers of persuasion and high-pitched falsetto voice, forced the Democrats and Republicans into negotiating an end to a battle that might well have crippled the American economy for years to come.
He became involved on Friday July 22nd when President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner broke off discussions. “If it weren’t for King Diamond, we probably would have gone into the worst economic crisis in our history,” said Senate Majority leader Harry Reid in an interview with CNN’s John King yesterday evening.
The King crafted an agreement that was amenable to both sides. Instead of raising taxes on the wealthy or cutting Medicare, King Diamond offered a 3 percent tax increase on all heavy metal albums bought in the United States. As most readers know, heavy metal album sales account for nearly 12 percent of Gross Domestic Product and record labels that sell heavy metal albums are the second largest employer in America today.
The King’s plan also calls for a 20 percent tax on all Exodus albums that don’t feature Steve Souza as vocalist. “That Rob Dukes fellow is extremely talented, but does anyone really believe Exodus is better without Souza. I say, tax them until they bring him back,” stated the King in a press release.
These two revenue streams should account for nearly four trillion dollars in new money coming in over the next ten years. In the President’s Address announcing the agreement, Obama made a point to single out King Diamond for his important contribution. “King Diamond’s willingness to be both firm and flexible was the key to the deal,” said Obama, “he’s a great vocalist and a warm and wonderful man.”
All this recent publicity has led some to wonder whether King Diamond might consider a bid for the Presidency in 2012. Diamond has refused to answer most questions about his willingness to run, but yesterday he told a reporter from the New York Times that he was seriously considering it. Webpages have sprouted up all over the Internet trying to convince the King to step in and save America from chaos and despair. The King has told his followers that he plans to make a formal announcement of his plans next week at the Million Metalhead March in Washington D.C.
Political commentators have mixed feelings about what the King’s candidacy could do to a race. While his appeal with the American public is undeniable, few people really know much about him besides the fact that he is an amazing singer and can command the forces of evil at a moment’s notice. Nobody even knows what political party he’s in (although he recently attended a thousand dollar a plate fundraiser for The Sugar-Coated Satan Sandwich Party).
Many pundits have pointed out that songs like “Night of The Unborn”, a song about zombie fetuses that attack a Planned Parenthood center, prove that he is Pro-Life and, therefore, would probably run as a Republican. A recent CNN/Gallup Poll claimed that if the King ran as a Republican he would defeat President Obama 46 to 43 percent. He polled particularly strongly in crucial battleground states like Ohio and Florida.
According to political columnist and talk radio host Jonathan Winthrop, “King Diamond’s entry into the 2012 Presidential race would change the whole thing. He could unite a coalition of crazed metalheads and, using the power of metal and his connection with the Prince of Darkness, I believe he could defeat Obama easily.”
Watching The Defective
Posted by Keith Spillett in Existential Rambings, Pointyheaded Highbrow Stuff, The Politics Of Catastrophe on August 1, 2011
The following conversation took place recently in a mental hospital on the planet Klorg located in the Rumach Galaxy 20,000,000 west of Arcturus. The patient, Wsghk Z Weryhi, was locked in a padded cell and sedated for his own safety approximately one week ago. His family brought him in claiming that he disappeared for a day and reemerged exhibiting signs of severe dementia. We now join an interview between himself and the esteemed Doctor zZefgh W KorgabS already in progress.
(Editors note: The conversation was conducted in KlorgeanRW, a dialect common in the Southern Provinces of Klorg. The language and concepts have been adapted so that it can be understood by the primarily English speaking audience of The Tyranny of Tradition)
Dr. KorgabS: So, I want to go back to what you were saying earlier, about this America you claimed to have visited…
Weryhi: Doctor, I am sure that I was there. I snuck into the interstellar dock at the community center and set it for random coordinates. It took me to America.
Dr. KorgabS: Okay, so, let’s talk about this America. I want to make sure I understand what you are telling me. Please describe this whole, what did they call it, (consulting his notes)…ah yes, this “free market” idea that many of these Americans believe.
Weryhi: Sure….some of them believe that this system of economics that they have, they call it capitalism, is essentially perfect. They think that if they all do as they wish and accumulate as many resources as they can, everything will work out for the best for those that make what they like to call “good decisions”. Basically, some of them actually believe that selfishness is a good quality that is the best thing for the community.
Dr. KorgabS: (with a perplexed look on his face) Okay….now Wsghk, you can understand why I’d think this sounds a bit odd, right?
Weryhi: Believe me, I had the same response. One of them told me about this fellow named Adam Smith who said an “invisible hand” runs things and allows people acting only in their best interest to be protected. The invisible hand makes everything work out. Or, that’s what the fellow in the bowtie told me.
Dr. KorgabS: An…invisible hand???
Weryhi: Yes.
Dr. KorgabS looks down at his information tablets trying not to look concerned and moves on to the next subject
Dr. KorgabS: And….this democracy idea that most of them talk about.
Weryhi: Yes! It was a fascinating thing. From time to time they actually pick the people who make the most important decisions. It sounds like a great idea, but what they do with it is bizarre. Once they’ve picked these “politicians”, many of these people turn around and blame them for everything that goes wrong in their lives. Even though they were the ones who picked them in the first place! Then, if the politicians do what they want them to, they pick them again and start blaming them the minute these folks are elected. It’s amazing! They seem to take no responsibility for the choices they make!
Dr. KorgabS: Yes, you seem to talk a lot about how they blame each other.
Weryhi: One of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen. One very small section of the population controls most of the resources. Most of them struggle while a few of them have more than they need. Yet, many of the Americans blame those who have very little of the resources for making “bad decisions” and ruining things for the group. Every once in a while, a few of the people with a lot of resources blame other people with a lot of resources, but they don’t really try to change anything.
Dr. KorgabS: Do these Americans blame any one else?
Weryhi: They blame EVERYONE! That’s all they do. They blame people who don’t live in America. They blame people who come to America. They blame people who have new ideas. They blame people who don’t do what they want them to. They have entire television channels dedicated to blame.
Dr. KorgabS: Fascinating. Is anyone ever above blame?
Weryhi: Well, they like to make up stories about these people they call The Founding Fathers. Apparently, they understood everything and rarely had bad ideas. The funny part is they use these made up stories to justify all sorts of bizarre actions. These people seem to have almost limitless imaginations!
Dr. KorgabS: This is truly amazing.
Weryhi: Isn’t it. Some of them believe that this invisible all powerful being, that they have a bunch of different names for, controls everything and tells them what to do.
Dr. KorgabS: (incredulous) An invisible, all-powerful being that…tells them what to do? Sounds like that invisible hand thing.
Weryhi: Yes!!!! This invisible being idea is so strange. If things go well for them, they say he did it. When things are going badly, many of them don’t change anything about their lives, they just close their eyes and pretend to talk to this being. Apparently, they think this invisible being has some great plan that they are all a part of. If they disobey the voice in their head, they fear that after they die they will be set on fire for the rest of time.
Dr. KorgabS: Simply amazing. And many of them believe all of this?
Weryhi: Here’s the weirdest part….not only do they believe it, they are proud of it. Incredibly proud of all of these strange ideas. They wave flags and have parades to celebrate them. Without a trace of irony, these people act as if they have found the greatest set of ideas ever created. They are so impressed with these ideas they are willing to go to war and commit querby so that people will act more like them. (editors note: there is no English equivalent to the word querby. It means something like killing or harming based entirely on a delusion. It is the worst possible act in Klorgian society. No one there has committed querby in the past 20 years)
Dr. KorgabS: They commit QUERBY and are proud of it!!!! I simply cannot believe that.
Weryhi: If I hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t either.
Dr. KorgabS: (standing up and leaving the room) You understand that this sounds pretty far fetched?
Weryhi: I know, I know. But I saw it with my own three eyes.
Dr. KorgabS: We will be in to check on you and talk more later. Until then, try not to think about that place.
Weryhi: I’ll try, Doctor. Thanks for listening.
20 minutes later in Doctor KorgabS office. KorgabS sits at a desk discussing the interview with his colleague and friend Doctor QwB
Dr. KorgabS: He seemed so convinced. The details are incredible. I have never worked with a patient with such detailed delusions.
Dr. QwB: It all sounds so crazy. I mean, the part about the interstellar space travel is quite possible, but this America he described sounds ridiculous. Does he know it can’t possibly be real?
Dr. KorgabS: No, I don’t think he does. It’s so sad. I’ve never met a sicker being in my entire life.
American Burlesque or I Just Flew In From Vaudeville and Boy Are My Arms Tired
Posted by Keith Spillett in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing, General Weirdness, The Politics Of Catastrophe on July 25, 2011
Last Christmas, my wife bought me one of those human cloning machines that they sell on TV for 129.99. At first, I didn’t have much of a use for it and it stayed in the back of my closet. However, I started getting some wacky ideas in June and began sending away for samples of the DNA of famous Borscht Belt comedians. I got an excellent mixture of Milton Berle, Shecky Greene, Mort Sahl, Buddy Hackett, Henny Youngman (his even came in a small violin case!) and a dash of Rodney Dangerfield. At a local DNA shop in downtown St. Paul, I purchased the DNA of several 1960s radicals like Huey P Newton, Abbie Hoffman and George McGovern.
Two days ago, I took all the DNA, threw it into the machine and, as per instruction, simmered for 12 hours. I just wanted to see what the combination would create. I wanted no trouble. What came out of the machine yesterday morning was beyond my worst nightmares. It was around 7 feet tall, had a cheap looking tuxedo and a blown out afro. It looked like a bizarre cross between Strom Thurmond and Julius Erving. It told me that it must find a club and do stand up comedy. I tried to stop it, but it tossed me aside and ran out the door. Minutes later, this creature burst into the VFW Hall located down the street from our home and began doing its routine for the 15 or so semi-drunken patrons. I was able to get there in time for the second half of the act. The following is a transcription of what took place.
Creature: What’s the difference between an American and a gorilla?
The gorilla won’t tell you it’s proud to be a gorilla.
Thanks, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.
Woman in the Audience: YOU SUCK!!!!
Creature: Thanks, you’re a dear. I wish I had my hunting license.
Man in the Audience: Get OFF THE STAGE, Idiot!
Creature: All right, all right! What has 600 million legs, over 1 million guns and an IQ under 70?
The American Public
Bartender: Shut UP! Please!!! I’ll call the police if you don’t get off of the stage!!!!!
Creature: How do you get 200 million Americans to vote?
Turn on American Idol
Thanks! Tip your servers!!!
Woman in the Audience: YOU SUCK!!!
Audience: BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Creature: Yeah, George W Bush, George W Bush…..The other day I asked Bush where’s the 20 dollars I loaned him. He said in the other room under the weapons of mass destruction. He went to get it and I never saw him again. But, hey, you re-elected him!!!! I LOVE THIS CROWD!!!!
Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (bottle smashes behind The Creature’s head)
Creature: What’s the best part of voting in Florida?
Knowing it won’t count
Take My Wife, Please!
Man in the audience: Come back when you’re funny!
Creature: Hey, I forgot you were all Americans. Do you want me to repeat any of these slowly?
Audience: BOO!!!!! (three more bottles smashed against the wall behind The Creature)
Creature: What do you call an American who works 60 hours a week in order to pay off 25,000 dollars in credit card debt?
Free! Ya get it! Free! You guys are the best crowd I’ve had in months!
Man in the Audience: (over a chorus of boos and bottles smashing) SHUT UP! We’ll tear your eyes out!!!!!
Creature: Ahhhhhh….what are you going to do? Invade Iraq again!
A mob of angry patrons began to storm the stage. I ran up and grabbed The Creature by the arm and pulled it out of the bar. A group of three raging men ran after us as we sprinted down the street. After a few blocks, they stopped chasing us. We were both exhausted and safe….for now.
I realized later that night that this creature simply couldn’t exist in our world. It was too jaded, too unwilling to accept compromise, too hateful, too cynical. I had created a monster that did not belong in today’s America. It was just going to cause trouble and incite riots wherever it went. I knew what I had to do. I crept into the room where The Creature was sleeping and pushed a pillow over its face. It struggled and screamed, but after a minute or two, it stopped thrashing around. I went back to my room, turned on the television and fell asleep. The problem had been solved.
King Diamond Offers 11th Hour Compromise to End U.S. Debt Crisis
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness, King Diamond For President in 2012, The Politics Of Catastrophe on July 22, 2011
The King Speaking To Reporters At Today's Press Conference
Tired of the political bickering taking place between the Republicans and Democrats over the raising of the debt ceiling, metal legend King Diamond has offered a compromise in the hopes of averting a major economic crisis in the United States. At a 7:30 PM press conference, The King scolded President Obama and the Republican Party for “playing political games” at a critical time. “This is unacceptable!” shouted the King in a mild falsetto voice, “My sleep has been disturbed by rumors of the US Bond rating being downgraded. Do you people understand what the fiscal ramifications of that would be!?!?! This must stop nowwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!”
In response to the stalemate in Washington, The King offered an economic package that he felt would be acceptable to both sides. The King’s debt deal would shave 3.8 trillion dollars off of the Federal Debt over a 10 year period with only a modest tax increase and minor cuts to Social Security and Medicare. He intends to generate additional revenue by putting a 20 percent tax on all albums by “awful mallcore bands”. He also plans on heavily taxing all hipster related products. “You know those stupid tee-shirts they sell at Target with pictures of Spam and Dr. Pepper on them. We are going to tax the hell out of them. Teach those people to dress like adults!” opined the King. “I’m not worried about hipster backlash. Hipsters don’t even like hipsters!”
The King has summoned President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner to a meeting at his hidden lair located somewhere in the Alps. The King’s Lair has only been seen by a handful of people and has never been photographed. There have been rumors over the years that he has the world’s last remaining minotaur in a pit in his backyard. According to The King the meeting, set for Tuesday afternoon, should straighten everything out. “If I was able to put my differences with Mercyful Fate aside in order to reunite and make great music back in the 90’s, these humans can certainly put aside their petty differences,” said the King in a scornful, frustrated voice.
The King had harsh words for the politicians standing in the way of a deal. He threatened Tea Party members and others who are willing to risk default on the U.S. debt with “a trip to grandmother’s house”. The King has another press conference scheduled for Wednesday afternoon at which he plans to bring either a signed agreement or “a bag full of their skulls.”
Dispatches From The Republican Convention September 14th, 2040
Posted by Keith Spillett in The Politics Of Catastrophe on July 19, 2011
Nixon Thrills 130,000 People In San Francisco
The Republican Party seems poised to return to power after their thrilling convention concluded in San Francisco, California last night. The keynote convention address, given by Republican Presidential Candidate LeVance Nixon, brought the house to a twenty minute standing ovation. Nixon pledged that the Republican Party is committed to “freedom now, freedom tomorrow and freedom forever” in a speech that some commentators are calling the best in the party’s history. Several polls taken within minutes of Nixon’s speech showed that Nixon picked up 8 to 12 points against his opponent, Democratic Incumbent Juan Jose Herrera and now leads in 31 of the 44 states.
Nixon’s campaign theme of entirely eliminating nearly every function of government has gained steam in the past few months. His major idea of privatizing the entire United States military and offering it to other countries as a mercenary defense force has captured the imagination of many. Nixon claimed last month that the US could have the money to re-aquire the state of Oregon and allow the Social Security Age to dip below 95 for the first time since 2030 if the program is instituted. Other Nixon programs, including the elimination of public schools by 2050, a program dismissing taxation for Americans making over 250,000 dollars a year and the immediate closing of the Food and Drug Administration, have also gained popularity since Nixon announced his intention to run for the Presidency last year.
A year ago, many of his ideas seemed far-fetched, but even the most radical ones have gained an audience. Nixon’s revolutionary re-working of the welfare system, once thought to be too radical, is a hit even now with some Democrats. His program, originally decried by many for its cruelty, would force people receiving federal benefits for more than two years to exchange a kidney for continuing benefits. “The poor have senselessly and selfishly hoarded their kidneys without regard to the harm they have caused. You can sell a functional kidney for $25,000. It’s time the poor do their part to make America great again! Even the lazy can contribute to our once great nation!” Nixon told the screaming crowd of conventioneers.
The Problem of the Moths has plagued much of the Presidency of Juan Jose Herrera. Nixon looked to capitalize on this issue through a proposal to give a ten year long tax holiday to any corporation that captures more than 100 giant man eating moths per year. According to Nixon the program will “encourage the growth of the real generators of the Great American Job Engine…corporations. It will also help to stop moths from consuming the flesh of innocent, hard-working Americans.”
The energy around the Nixon campaign is a testament to the youthful, revitalized nature of the Republican Party. Many of the parties core supporters are 18 to 34 years old. They are attracted by the Parties strong anti-government message. It was a Republican Congress and President, as most remember, that legalized all drugs in 2025 and gay marriage in 2026. Since those fateful decision, the Party has attracted a slew of gung-ho, young supporters. Hundreds of young Nixon supporters, calling themselves the Nixon Youth, staged a spontaneous rally outside of the Harvey Milk Arena after his speech. “Nixon’s for freedom and freedom is for America. Government sucks! It’s that simple!” shouted Emilia Antonia, a Nixon supporter who had travelled all the way from the ruins of Boston to be a part of the special evening.
George Clooney Agrees to Buy Bones of Bathory’s Quorthon For 1.6 Million Dollars
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on July 11, 2011
In a highly awaited auction, film star George Clooney outbid several other interested collectors for the rights to purchase the bones of former Bathory frontman Quorthon at Southeby’s in London on Friday. Clooney paid a record 1.6 million dollars for the skeleton, the most ever paid for the remains of a metal artist.
Clooney, a lifelong Bathory fan, felt this was the best way to pay his respects to the band that got him into metal. “I’ll never forget the day I bought Under The Sign of the Black Mark,” said Clooney with a nostalgic, distant look in his eye, “it was the first time I ever fell in love.”
The purchase of the organs and bones of dead metal artists has become a hobby among Hollywood celebrities of late. Julia Roberts started the trend last year when she purchased the spinal column and jawbone of Ronnie James Dio for five hundred thousand dollars. Roberts has already offered two million for the corpse of former Iron Maiden singer Paul Di’Anno, who has not yet died. Roberts plans to consume the corpse in a stew with several other diehard Maiden fans while listening to the album Killers at her palatial home in Malibu, California.
The bidding war over the corpse of Mayhem and Burzum’s Varg Vikernes reportedly may run over 10 million dollars. The country of Albania has already expressed interest in buying his lungs and placing them in the town square in the city of Tirana as a potential way to ward off the evil spirits that have plagued that European nation for the past century.
The recent surge of interest in the band Bathory contributed to the high cost of Quorthon’s bones, which six months ago could have been purchased on Ebay for only four thousand dollars. However, since last month’s release of the Bathory celebrity tribute album, “It’s Never a Fine Day to Die”, the band has become a household name. The first single of off the album, a duet version of Necromansy performed by Elton John and Ke$ha, climbed to number 7 on the Billboard chart this week. Other major Bathory tributes are popping up all across the United States.
Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour proposed a bill to recognize February 17th as Quorthon day in the state “for his contributions to the black metal movement” and Dairy Queen has offered to give anyone free French fries if they bring a copy of “Blood Fire Death” into any of their nearly nine thousand nationwide stores for the next month.
Quorthon’s estate upped the bidding by promising to give a full ten percent of the purchase price to The Salvation Army. Clooney was thrilled not only to be able to finally caress the femur bone of his favorite vocalist; he was also happy to be able to help out a good cause in the process. Salvation Army spokesman Marshall Whitcomb praised the donation and remarked “I haven’t heard much of this Bathory, but my daughter assures me they are great. We look forward to building churches and community centers around America in Quorthon’s name.”
The Tyranny of Tradition 