Archive for category General Weirdness
U.S. Mainland Braces For Late April Release Of Over 20,000 Queensryche Albums
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on April 5, 2013
April may indeed be the cruelest month for fans of the band Queensryche. Since The Great Queensryche Schism of 2012, several bands have emerged with the name Queensryche, leaving many in the metal community in a state of total panic and utter confusion. After Geoff Tate’s abrupt firing, the band broke off into two distinct units with the catchy monikers Queensryche with Todd LaTorre and Queensryche Starring Geoff Tate The Original Voice. Things quickly spiraled out of control.
Thousands of people who have been associated with the band have stepped forward producing albums under the Queensryche name. Bobby Murphy, a drum tech from the original Operation: Mindcrime Tour, plans to release an album using the band name “Queensryche Starring That Ruddy, Poorly Shaven Guy Who Used To Score Dope and Painted Ladies For Them When They Were In Detroit And Parts of The Upper Peninsula” on April 19th.
Dwayne McGill, the band’s accountant during the late 1980s has gotten into the mix recording under the name “Queensryche With The Guy Who Figured Out That Geoff’s Ten Thousand Dollar Haircut Was A Legitimate Deduction”. That record is due April 21st.
James Calbreath, a promotions specialist who worked with the band early in their career will be issuing an album using the alias “Queensryche Featuring The Guy Who Told Geoff That Putting An Umlaut Above The Y Would Make Them Look European And Therefore Allow Them To Perceived as Deeply Intellectual By Most Americans” drops on April 22nd.
Even people who have never had anything to do with the band have gotten in on the trend. “Metal” Mark Krutzenheimer, a Connecticut man who had all of the lyrics to “Queen of The Reich” tattooed on his back in Proto Norse, will be using the designation “Queensryche Spotlighting The Voice of The Guy Who Broke Off His Engagement With A Girl Because She Said Jet City Woman Was Her Favorite Song By The Band” when his record hits stores on April 23rd.
Geoff Tate, formerly Eddie Garfield, a traveling vacuum cleaner salesman who changed his name to Geoff Tate in 1995 during his conversion to Islam has an album coming out on April 25th. On it, his band will be referred to as “Queensryche Starring The Geoff Tate Who Spent Six Months In Guantanamo Bay Because He Happened To Be Selling A Copy of Muhammad Speaks In Valdosta, Georgia.”
These are only a small sampling from the thousands of Queensryche albums that are expected. Bob Rockenfield, a noted Queensryche expert and professor at University of Anencephaly in Lake City, Florida, fears that this onslaught of April Queensryche releases will lead to a period of Queensryche Inflation, an economic condition where all Queensryche albums become equally valueless and people are unable to milk every possible cent out of the band’s name.
2014 In Review: Year of The Metal Subgenre
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on April 3, 2013
A near tsunami of new metal bands came to the forefront of the American music scene in 2014. After Obama signed the controversial law in 2013 that outlawed country music, boy bands and songs by coke addicted former Mouseketeers, metal began to take off as the most popular form of musical expression in the land.
A wave of new bands brought in a flood of popular subgenres. After all, how can you possibly catch the attention of an audience numbed into a near coma by a never-ending stream of cute kitten pictures on their computer without some sort of hook?
Years back, a number of metal bands figured out that by coming up with new subgenres you can effectively con the audience into the belief that they are experiencing something totally state-of-the-art. This was a brilliant assessment, because truthfully, there are only so many ways you can cook an egg. If you take the story out of metal, it’s mostly just a bunch of sweaty, badly dressed people making loud noises for a bunch of sweaty, badly dressed people who are apoplectically staring into The Nothing.
Honestly, how different is one three and a half minute thrash song from another? Is technical death metal really all that unique in comparison to, say, regular old garden-variety death metal? Thus, God created the subgenre and gave us a way to turn tiny, obscure distinctions into whole schools of thought and belief. One man’s doom is another man’s sludge, as the old saying goes. Or something.
When the next civilization digs through the rubble a thousand years from now and finds all the 2014 issues of Metal Maniacs it will be clear, this was The Year of The Metal Subgenre. So, it is with great pleasure that I present to you the best new subgenres created in 2014 along with the band that best represents that style.
New Wave of Soviet Socialist Metal (NWOSSM or NWOCCCP)
When I think about 1980’s power metal, my mind often drifts to the Soviets. Many people would argue that very little great creativity came out of Russia and its satellite states in the 80’s. Clearly those people haven’t heard some of the early albums by Lenin’s Tomb or Khrushchev’s Shoe. As young Russians look back on the glorious days of bureaucratic inefficiency that marked the end of the Soviet Empire, many of them have started playing the music that dominated that era.
Best Band: Iron Curtain
Unblackened Yachtcore
This quirky fusion between the raw, earthy tones of Christian black metal and 1970 and 80’s soft rock caught fire in 2014. Many music aficionados were looking for a way to reconcile their passion for the music of Michael McDonald and the songs of Darkthrone. This cutting edge subgenre gave them the perfect combination. Lyrically, it blends elegant prose from the New Testament with poignant stories about the dreams and inner longings of Yuppies.
Best Band: Captain Trips and Tenille
Proto Originalist Doom
Who would have believed that doom metal could possibly be blended with the text of Supreme Court decisions written by Antonin Scalia in order to create a new style of music? Dark, heavy, Sabbath inspired guitar riffs are used here to celebrate the spirit of unbridled judicial restraint and the idea that just about every thought that was formulated after 1787 is entirely worthless.
Best Band: Woe vs. Wade
Post-Marxist Extremely Technical Progressive Rawlsian Eco Thrash (PMETPRET)
More of a social movement than a style of music, PMETPRET bands have attempted to use technical death metal as a tool of creating social justice and encouraging recycling.
Best Band: Fates Warming
Anatomical Glam Grindslam
Grindcore was a dying subgenre until it caught an infusion of hair metal earlier this year. Something about the idea of putting together the catchy, party rock stylings of bands like Poison and Cinderella with the fierce brutality of early Carcass and The County Medical Examiners struck a chord with the American public.
Best Band: Twisted Blister
New York City Viking Hardcore (NYHVC)As most Americans know, a Viking gang crime wave hit New York City in early 2014. Alienated young teens joined Viking gangs in droves and pillaged many of the stores and homes that were not guarded by people with assault rifles and high capacity magazines. NYHVC has become a way of expressing their rage at our dysfunctional social order.
Best Band: Freyahazard
Heideggerian Ontological Powerviolence (HOP)
If you are like most Americans, you feel deeply offended that you grew up in a culture that has been thoroughly shaped by Cartesian Dualism. You also probably wonder how you can best disclose being-in-the-world as a whole. And you probably own at least the first four Spazz albums (the ones they did before they sold out). It is not a coincidence that HOP music caught on overnight and became the top selling subgenre in metal in 2014.
Best Band: Being-Toward-Death-Angel
Old School Hebraic Nu-Metal
The most surprising comeback in 2014 was the resurgence of Nu-Metal, only this time instead of “borrowing” style and imagery associated with African American culture these musicians began stealing traditional Jewish themes.
Best Band: Limp Brizkit
Symphonic Free Market Hayekia’N’Roll
In an attempt to connect with younger, hipper Americans, The Heritage Foundation, in conjunction with the Koch Brothers, have spent over 30 billion dollars creating melodic death metal records in order to spread the message of free market intellectual titans like Milton Friedman and the guy who invented the chicken sandwich.
Best Band: Children of Serfdom
Nickelback Call Press Conference To Denounce Metal Archives Website For “Sophomoric Prank”
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on April 1, 2013
April Fools’ Day hasn’t been all that amusing for platinum selling recording artist Nickelback. Singer Chad Kroeger woke up to over 23,000 emails written by fans who were confused by the Metal Archives.com April Fools’ Day prank that claimed, among other things, that Kroeger “waxes his chest and shoulders” and that he was “extremely touched” by Metallica’s recent album “Lulu”. Kroeger and the rest of the band called a press conference at Alberta’s Hilton Hotel ballroom today to set the record straight.
“Okay….first of all, I have never waxed my shoulders. I waxed my chest once when I pledged Lambda Chi in college. But, that was it. The story that has been circulating about me having eyebrow implants is also one hundred percent false,” exclaimed a visibly shaken Kroeger.
“And another thing, the whole story about us playing some NHL concert replacing Bathory. Bathory for godsakes! How many records have they sold? Maybe if you are some lunatic who drinks his mother’s blood and crucifies cats in your basement you might own a Bathory record or two, but most of the people I know don’t really listen to them. The idea that we would ‘replace’ them, like we are some sort of fill in for a second rate Slayer cover band, is completely absurd,” shouted Kroeger at a room full of shocked reporters.
“And the story about,” Kroeger paused to collect himself as a tear began to stream down his face, “the story about…..the person dying and the crowd saying something like ‘it doesn’t matter, just another dead Nickelback fan’……we love our fans. Nobody….NOBODY loves the fans more than we do! A Nickelback concert is like a family. To imply that our fans, the very blood in our veins…..OUR FANS don’t care about each other. Disgraceful!”
“I’ve worked my whole life….MY WHOLE LIFE! To create music….for the people. To have our record of excellence insulted by a….metal website. A sophomoric prank that some jobless metalhead vagrant thought was funny. Well…HAHAHA! Hysterical.”
“You know….we’ve been through a lot. When they wouldn’t let us play at the Super Bowl because they said we were nothing more than ‘an amped up boy band’, we were like ‘whatever’. When haters say hateful things about us being ‘the audio equivalent of experiencing complete spiritual death’ and ‘the worst thing to come into the world since the Bubonic Plague’, we’re like ‘whatever’. When our parents, OUR OWN PARENTS started telling people their sons worked as morticians rather than admit that were responsible for the song ‘Someday’, we were like ‘cool, whatever’. But this metal website joke, this is the final straw!”
“So, until Metal Archives prints a full retraction and apologizes to us in person, we are through. No more catchy lovelorn ballads! No more rockin’ tracks to get your lady out on the dance floor! Nothing! We are through. You don’t have Nickelback to kick around anymore!”
At that point, Kroeger slammed his microphone onto the table and stormed out of the hotel ballroom with his band in tow. According to James Franklin, noted Nickelback expert and author of ‘How You Remind Me: A Fans Guide To The Greatest Canadian Rock Band Since Triumph’ this threat might just be serious. “You can only push a band so far,” said Franklin after the raucous press conference, “these boys have been unfairly targeted by a smear campaign so awful it would have made Gandhi look like an axe murderer. How much more do these fellas have to take?”
Editors Note: As of 9:30 tonight, the Nickelback April Fools’ Day page at Metal Archives has been taken down. We are, at this moment, unsure of the reason the site has removed the offending material. So far, we have been unable to reach anyone there for an explanation or comment.
New ESPN Commercial Features Metallica Drummer Lars Ulrich Eating Wilt Chamberlain’s Pituitary Gland
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness, Health Tips for An Early Death on March 20, 2013
When Lars Ulrich paid $120,000 dollars for the rights to own former Laker great Wilt Chamberlain’s pituitary gland last month at a Los Angeles auction, experts speculated that he was losing his mind. After all, what possible use could the gland of a four-time NBA most valuable player have? People laughed as Lars overbid by almost $100,000 dollars to ensure he locked up the rights to the secretory organ. They aren’t laughing anymore.
During a soon-to-be-aired ESPN commercial, Lars began gnawing on Chamberlain’s gland while the rest of the band stood around telling standard, boring rockstar jokes. By the end of the commercial Lars had grown to the height of 8 foot 3. Only recently, height experts had estimated Ulrich to be a mere 5 foot 6. Some experts have speculated that Ulrich’s height may reach 11 foot 7 within the next month.
Ulrich Moments Before His Appearance On ESPN
The consumption of the glands by metal celebrities is rare but not unheard of. Back in 2006, Slayer vocalist Tom Araya was seen chewing on the adrenal gland of famed actor Lee Marvin at a Corrosion of Conformity show. At the time, many experts in the field of adrenal gland eating believed that Lee Marvin’s organ contained a rare hormone that would allow anyone consuming it to become invisible for 12 hours. Araya, however, merely ended up with a headache and a brief, bizarre hallucination where he believed that he was former President Rutherford B. Hayes.
While consuming the glands of other humans tends to be unpopular, the inhalation of donkey glands has become a fad among many of today’s teens. Snorting donkey glands (or glarfing as many teens call it) has become the main recreational activity of a whole generation of adolescents. The effects of one “rail” of donkey gland can be feelings of unbridled euphoria, the power to control the minds of others, werewolfism and even, in some cases, vortex breath (the ability to exhale gale force winds from one’s mouth and nostrils).
In spite of the fact that they are illegal in 26 states, donkey glands are available at most corner gas stations and even some supermarkets. According to some donkey gland abuse experts, 1 out of every 3 American teens have experimented with glarfing. Police are reporting an alarming rise in the number glarfing and driving arrests. The U.S. might well be in the grips of a donkey gland snorting epidemic.
The logistical ramifications of Lars’ decision to abuse the gland of Wilt Chamberlain could be significant. After all, fitting behind a drum kit at nearly 12 feet tall might pose a serious challenge to the once diminutive Ulrich. However, the bigger concern for society at large are the effects of a role model like Ulrich sending the message that it is “cool” for young people to engage in glandular abuse.
With America facing a glarfing crisis, some experts believe the tacit celebrity endorsement of the recreational consumption of glands could lead to a situation where all forms of authority are undercut and full-scale anarchy and chaos grip the nation. The American family could be entirely annihilated. Humans might be replaced by zombie-like, gland-addicted creatures that stumble through the streets at all hours searching for their next fix.
The entire fabric of modern civilization might be destroyed. Or even worse, many of the long cherished records held by professional athletes could be shattered by hormone-gargling, mutant “superathletes”. Many experts believe that the only solution to this epidemic is a full scale War on Glands where the military is used to break up international gland cartels and high school students are subjected to twenty hours per week of gland abuse reeducation.
Borneo Hunger Strike Enters Day 173; Locals Demand Demented Ted Reunion
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on March 13, 2013
In 1994, Demented Ted, a Chicago based death metal band, released their unheralded, chimerical debut album “Promises Impure” on Pavement Records. Besides a small article in the Chicago Tribune (which lauded the band for “singing about genetic engineering as opposed to, say, decapitation,”) “Promises Impure” went largely unnoticed by just about the entire music listening world. Following a tour with Broken Hope, the members of Demented Ted went their separate ways and on to a life of quiet contemplation. Had it not been for the timely intervention of mutant animals, a Bornean monk, and legendary actor Donald Sutherland, that’s how the story would have ended.
Sutherland was working on the film “Outbreak” in 1994 when a he was handed a copy of the album by co-star Cuba Gooding Jr. Gooding had caught Demented Ted the night before and accidentally purchased their CD at the merch table thinking it was DVD copy of Jaws 3-D. Sutherland, a devout metalhead who partially financed the Entombed album “Wolverine Blues”, immediately got hooked on the record and brought it with him on his vacation to Borneo after the film wrapped up.
When he first arrived in Borneo, Sutherland was immediately attacked and ripped to shreds by a pack of gigantic three-headed moths. His head was put in a local museum for the amusement of the inter-dimensional travelers that often visit the island while attempting to elude the narwhal shaped jellyfish that police time travel in this sector of the galaxy. The rest of his body was taken to different parts of the island to be used in the annual Jane Fonda ritual mock sacrifices that are popular in some of the smaller villages. In the midst corpse pillaging frenzy, Sutherland’s copy of “Promises Impure” was snatched up by a crafty monk named Tippi Hedren (his parents were huge fans of the Hitchcock classics “The Birds” and “Marnie”).
Hedren smuggled the album past the local authorities at great risk to his own safety. After all, death metal and most grindcore were illegal for most of Borneo’s history. Up until recently, the nation, in fact, had very little interest in music in general. Voronezh FM, the country’s one radio station, actually played the Garth Brooks album “Ropin’ The Wind” on repeat interrupted only by local weather broadcasts from 1991 until 2004. When Hedren played the record for his religious order, they were deeply moved, identifying on a spiritual level with the metronomic double bass and relentless riffing. It quickly became a staple of religious life in the village of Banjarmasin.
The arrival of the record coincided with the elimination out of Type 5 Banalpox, a disorder that forces the victim to watch Terrance Malick films repeatedly until falling into a coma. The disease had plagued the nation for hundreds of years and had seemed incurable. Many of the locals connected to the disappearance of the virus with the Demented Ted record.
Slowly but surely through tape trading and the use of music transporting micro-viruses, the people of Borneo grew to love Demented Ted. In Borneo today, it’s rare to meet a schoolchild that doesn’t know the words to “Liquid Remains” by heart. Choirs of old women singing “Psychopathology” on street corners are not an uncommon sight. Demented Ted CDs and tapes are actually used as currency in many of the villages of Northern Borneo.
The people of Borneo have grown impatient. They have waited what has felt like a hundred lifetimes clinging to the hope that a Demented Ted reunion will come to the island. They have written hundreds of thousands of letters to the band and prayed vociferously to any god that they think might listen, but to no avail. Finally, 173 days ago, in a last, desperate act, the people of Borneo have renounced the consumption of food or water. According to the government’s Department of Demented Ted and Human Development, Borneo cannot survive another three months without a concert from the band.
So far, the band has remained silent on the matter, preferring to ignore the suffering that the large, Demented Ted deprived island has had to endure. Several human rights groups have issued public statements imploring them to get back together and at least throw together an EP of Uriah Heap covers in order to satiate the Bornean people’s endless lust for obscure mid-90s, Chicago death metal. However, many experts think a reunion is unlikely and that a solution to this crisis is not coming anytime soon.
A Picture of Borneo Taken From A Satelitte
I’m Pretty Sure One of The Guys From Mastodon Lives on My Block
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on February 27, 2013
It’s one of these guys. I’m not sure which. Most white people in their 30s look alike to me.
About two weeks ago, the house up the street had a moving van in front of it. At first, I didn’t think much of it. After all, I live in Atlanta and people are always moving around in order to avoid the rampaging hordes of flesh-eating reptiles that roam the streets at night. Had I not built a Y2K shelter some years back, I would have probably been devoured myself. My family and I hide there during the evenings, watching old VHS copies of The Young and The Restless until the wee hours of the morning with shotguns in our hands. My 4-year-old is particularly skilled at shooting the beasts when they try to overpower the deadbolt. She’s a great shot for 4. I’m hoping that one day she can lead the humans as we rise up and try to take back control of our cities from the robot overlords. Maybe she won’t. We all grow up thinking we are going to be something special. Sometimes, we just end up working in retail.
The fellow coming in and out of the moving van seemed nice enough. He had longish hair and a mustache that made him look something like either Ron Kovic or a relief pitcher for the Brewers in the mid-70s. I greeted him with my usual Sufi chant and politely asked if he minded if I took a lock of his hair in order to fuse his DNA with a water buffalo. He looked a bit shocked, so I put my shirt back on. That way he would not have to stare at the eyes that had begun to grow out of my stomach.
Suddenly, a feeling of recognition overwhelmed me. I knew this fellow. He was in the band Mastodon. I don’t know how I knew, I just knew. I immediately asked him to autograph my copy of .38 Special’s “Wild-Eyed Boys of The South”. I had been carrying this copy of the album with me for months asking celebrities to sign it. So far, I had gotten Rick Wakeman, the former Yes keyboard player who currently works at the Publix deli counter in Decatur, and Jerry Mumphrey, the former Yankees outfielder who lives inside of my right kidney, to put their names on it. Had this Mastodon guy signed it, it would have completed my collection and allowed me to pass into the cosmic netherworld of alien dwarves. But he refused.
He broke my heart. As a fan, all I ask is for a little acknowledgement. After all, I’ve spent hours of my life listening to that album with the whale on the cover of it. Is a signature too much to ask for?
It’s like the time I broke into Cal Ripken’s home and demanded that he sing all of the lyrics to “Covered With Sores” by Cannibal Corpse at gunpoint. I wasn’t asking a lot. My request certainly didn’t warrant the two and a half years I served in the Allenwood Federal Correctional Facility. Or the removal of all of my teeth at the hands of some hired goon named Vito. But the Ripkens can be brutal when you cross them. I learned that the hard way.
So here I am. It’s 2:30 in the afternoon. I am covered in honey and ox blood from head to toe. Waiting. Hoping. I’ve been in the guy from Mastodon’s living room for 3 hours now playing Black Ops 2 on his Xbox. I wonder if he’s at the supermarket. Or collecting and trading pig exoskeletons with his church group. Or meditating at an ashram in Utah. Or at the park reading his dog-eared copy of V.C .Andrews’ masterpiece “Flowers in the Attic”. He has to come home at some point. Doesn’t he?
Tony Iommi Undergoes Surgery To Reattach Original Fingers, Adds Two More
Posted by ChicagoRanter in General Weirdness on February 26, 2013
A Picture of Iommi Taken After His Recent Surgery
After more than 40 years of playing and performing with his injury, Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi has finally reattached his finger tips, plus 2 more digits.
Iommi, who lost the tips of 3 of his fingers in 1974 after trying to recreate a stunt from the film “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York,” has learned to play guitar by protecting his mangled fingers with a delicate combination of Silly Putty, raisins, and twist-ties. The mixture, which Iommi mashed onto the tips of his fingers before performing, is said to be the source of Black Sabbath’s iconic sound for the past 4 decades. However, when frontman, Ozzy Osbourne became violently ill after accidently ingesting too much of the mixture, the band deemed it too hazardous of a tradition to continue.
With all Silly Putty-based mixes out of the picture, Iommi was left no choice but to undergo surgery to reattach the missing fingertips.
Last week’s fingertip surgery was deemed a success, but Iommi decided to go under the knife again 2 days later. After a series of escalating dares by his band mates, Iommi underwent additional surgeries to attach two extra fingers on his playing hand.
The campaigns, a Facebook page called “If This Page Gets 10,000 Likes My Friend Will Attach 2 More Fingers On His Hand” and the viral Twitter hashtag “#ThumbsForTony” proved to be wildly successful, gaining more than 20,000 ‘likes’ and 38,000 ‘RTs’ respectively. Two fast-acting fans jumped at the chance to donate a finger to the cause and the fingers were exchanged and attached in a matter of hours.
“I’m not happy he did it,” said a spokesperson at the Black Sabbath camp who wished not to be named, “but then again, you don’t just turn down a triple-dog-dare from Ozzy Osbourne.”
The surgeon, Dr. Tony Welling, whom Iommi selected based solely on their mutual first name, had no previous experience in amputation or reattachment surgery. And the donors, a 5-year-old spider monkey named Coco, and late Chicago mayor, Richard J. Daley, will both receive lifetime backstage passes as well as the secret recipe for Iommi’s raisin-putty-fingertip mix.
(The fellow who wrote this article, Andrew Sebastian Bach, is a complete lunatic. He blogs regularly at chicagorants.com where he regularly explores important issues facing the Windy City like face-eating llamas and why everyone hates the White Sox)
Supreme Court Finds Moment of Prayer Before Atheist Concert To Be Unconstitutional
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on October 8, 2012
Florida death metal band Atheist thought they were doing the right thing for their community. They had been scheduled to play a series of concerts during lunch at local elementary schools throughout the Tampa/Clearwater area in order to spread the appreciation of music and the love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. However, on Thursday, the US Supreme Court upheld a law that prohibits prayer during metal concerts on public school grounds. In effect, this means that Atheist and other faith-based death metal bands are no longer allowed to pray before concerts at public schools.
A good number of local politicians and parents have denounced the decision, which shocked most legal experts who are used to the government letting people get away with anything they want as long as they invoke the name of the Christian God. Members of the band Atheist are particularly outraged by the Court’s ruling, which they believe prohibits their constitutionally guaranteed right to pressure young school children into conforming to wildly absurd community standards. According to Atheist drummer Steve Flynn, “if music can’t be used as a tool of forcing children into the belief that every mistake they make could potentially earn them an eternity of torment, what’s the point of even playing?”
Atheist has been known for their outspoken Christian beliefs over the past few years. They refuse to play concerts on Sundays and have been known to throw Chick-Fila sandwiches at anyone wearing satanic black metal shirts or mocking Tim Tebow’s throwing arm. They played several fundraisers earlier in the year for Presidential candidate Rick Santorum and have even dedicated their song “Faux King Christ” to Moral Majority Founder Jerry Falwell at a concert in July.
The Court has not been shy recently over taking cases involving religion and heavy metal. Last year, they ruled 5 to 4 that members of the band Deicide can be forced to do the Pledge of Allegiance before concerts in spite of the fact that they are Jehovah’s Witnesses and their faith prohibits saluting secular symbols. In a landmark case back in 2008, they ruled that the black metal band Watain was prohibited from throwing out non-Kosher animal parts into the audience during concerts taking place in a synagogue.
Metallica Names 2,000 Pound Walrus as New Bass Player
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on October 3, 2012
Ending weeks of speculation, Metallica has chosen Nessie, a 2,000 pound performing walrus, to be their new bass player. The search began back in 2011 when bassist extraordinaire Robert Trujillo was eaten by a pack of feral orangutans at the Jones Beach Toll Plaza in Long Island, New York. The band had auditioned over 62,023,017 potential bass players before finally settling yesterday on Nessie. Before being selected by Metallica, Nessie has had a storied career that included a stint as halfback for the New York Jets and three years as a backup singer for the Isley Brothers.
Nessie is relatively new to the metal scene, but has already made a big impression. During a freezing cold outdoor concert in Oslo, Norway, Nessie laid on top of Megadeth singer Dave Mustaine for the entire song Tornado of Souls in order to save him from frostbite. However, not all of Nessie’s experiences with the metal scene have been positive. Controversy followed Nessie after he knocked Kerry King unconscious after a Slayer show in March. King had apparently tried to eat one of Nessie’s fins, driving him into a wild, murderous rage.
Nessie will begin his tenure in Metallica next month when the band gets to work on recording its next album, the nautically themed “A Porpoise Driven Life”. The new record will feature several exciting new tracks including “Of Wolf and Manatee”, “Trapped Under Ice Fishermen”, “The Cod That Failed”, and “Saint Angler”. They are also planning another in the long series of Unforgiven songs, this one called “The Unforgiven Mambo Number 5”.
Industry experts expect the album to come out sometime in late 2015 in order to coincide with Red Lobster’s yearly Endless Crab Legs promotion. Red Lobster became the official sponsor of Metallica earlier this month.
Metallica Names Former Ethiopian Emperor Halie Selassie As New Bass Player
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 27, 2012
Ending weeks of speculation, Metallica has chosen former Ethiopian Emperor Halie Selassie as their new bass player. The search began back in 2011 when bassist extraordinaire Robert Trujillo left the band after being named US Ambassador to Kyrgyzstan. The band had auditioned over 30,000 potential bass players before finally settling yesterday on Selassie. Selassie, who died in 1975, was known for shepherding his nation through a war with Italy and years of internal strife as well as being a member of Ethiopia’s top Metallica cover band “Purify”.
Selassie remains a controversial figure in the metal community since he ordered Metallica to stop using chemical weapons against Megadeth back in 2009. He has always been wildly popular among large sections of the Rastafarian metal community, but is universally despised by most Italian Fascist metalheads. Selassie is perhaps best known for his speech in 1936 in front of the League of Nations where he argued that Iron Maiden, not Manowar, should be considered the rightful Kings of Metal.
Selassie will begin his tenure in Metallica next month when the band gets to work on recording its next album “Exile in Ponyland”. The new record, due to come out sometime in late 2013, is a concept album that is based on both the popular My Little Pony toy series and Dante’s Inferno. The album’s story will focus on the travels of Starlight and Bright Eyes Pony as they journey through the darkest regions of hell. On their journey, they meet and befriend several lovable, unforgettable characters that are suffering eternal damnation.
Unlike some previous Metallica bassists, Selassie will be a major part of the songwriting process. He has an impeccable reputation throughout the music industry as a top-flight songwriter and has even scored Top 40 hits in the 1970s with the song “Devil Went Down To Georgia”, performed by The Charlie Daniels Band, and in the 1990s with the song “Crossroads”, recorded by Bone Thugs’n’Harmony.
Many different bass players applied for the job, including several well-known names. Veteran actor Burt Reynolds was initially considered a shoe-in for the job, but fell out of contention last month when he and guitarist Dom DeLuise joined Corrosion of Conformity. Former Pittsburgh Steeler coach Bill Cowher, 19th century philosopher John Stuart Mill and Nobel Prize winning economist Milton Friedman were all leading candidates for the position, but Selassie was able to win out due to his leadership and vision for the future of the band.
The Tyranny of Tradition 