Posts Tagged Sebastian Bach

Kiss Army Invades Poland

War Criminals?

War Criminals?

“Death, makeup, savagery, merchandising rights, Lick It Up…” 

These are the words being posted on social media by the devastated citizens of Poland the day after the Kiss Army unilaterally invaded their country. Thousands are feared dead or overcharged for concert tickets, following this, the latest aggressive act by the hardcore group of Kiss fans. The United Nations Security Council is scheduled to meet later this afternoon to discuss their options while various human rights groups have decried the actions of the Kiss and their army.

The invasion of Poland by Kiss Army forces, not to be confused with the Vinnie Vincent Invasion, is rumored to have started shortly after Gene Simmons discovered a Warsaw flea market selling bootleg copies of Revenge. Simmons issued an ominous statement which said, “You Poles better pay up, I have two ugly children who have a $400,000 a day diamond laced orange sherbet habit. You think you can get a piece of the Kiss fatherland? There is going to be hell to pay.”

However, tensions between the Kiss Army and Poland are more deeply rooted and may go all the way back to 2008 when Prime Minister Donald Tusk refused to allow Tommy Thayer to wear Ace Frehley’s makeup, thereby forcing him to miss the band’s Polish dates and robbing Kiss of their one member who can play an instrument competently.

Polish citizens are facing numerous challenges following the invasion, most notably only being allowed to buy Kiss products. Most Poles are complaining that despite looking great and being readily available, most Kiss products are overpriced and lack any true substance. Kiss guitarist and plastic surgery aficionado Paul Stanley claims this is ridiculous, saying, “sure some of our products are missing their original ingredients, but with the just the right touch and a lot of lawyers, you can make even the worst product great…in fact, most people won’t even know it’s not the real thing.”

Perhaps the most alarming figure is the number of Kiss caskets ordered following the invasion, with over 1,000 “rocking death vessels” already being shipped to Europe.

Both political and cultural leaders have been vocal in their criticism of the Kiss Army following today’s events. Barrack Obama was quoted as saying, “this is almost as bad as Hot in the Shade…almost.”

Noted astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson added, “I have always hypothesized that Kiss and their fans were the most despicable people on earth, but not I have the quantifiable evidence!”

Memes misquoting Dr. Tyson found their way to social media immediately and have been misused and misunderstood throughout the day.

Yet despite their heinous actions and deplorable music, Kiss and their army have their supporters. Long time overweight Kiss apologist Eddie Trunk said, “Look, this invasion of Poland is the best thing Kiss has done since Love Gun. I know a lot of people want to see these guys hang it up and give Poland a break, but so long as Peter Criss comes on my radio show and lets me suck up to him, I will always be a Kiss fan.”

Other noted Kiss fanatics such as Sebastian Bach were seen wearing authorized “Polish Invasion” tour shirts and have boycotted polish sausage, decrying Poland as a country that just doesn’t understand what good music is.

Kiss has started a kickstarter campaign to further fund their invasion, offering videos of polish children being tortured with Paul Stanley solo records for $73 and pictures of Gene Simmons ego, taken from space, for only $144. In the meantime, the world can only wait and see if and when this will all ever end…and at what price.

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Help Us Raise $250,000 Dollars For Bolt Thrower to Play My Daughter’s Birthday Party

bolt thrower

We have always been a Bolt Thrower family.  Many of our happiest, most memorable times have been spent listening to their music.  Whether it was me soothing my son on his first trip to the dentist by playing him all of “In Battle There Is No Law” or my wife and I making the long car trips from Atlanta to Minnesota go by quicker by singing “Cenotaph” with them, Bolt Thrower have almost been like relatives.  This is why, on my daughter Jo-Anne Bench Spillett’s sixth birthday, we’d like to hire Bolt Thrower to play the party.

However, as you probably have figured out, hiring a death metal band to fly from England to Atlanta to play can be expensive.  My wife and I talked about how to make it happen financially, but short of working nine more jobs and selling the platinum grill I had made during my brief rap career, it didn’t seem affordable.  Enter the miracle that is Kickstarter!  We have seen several projects from a Veronica Mars movie to an Obituary album to a nose job for Sebastian Bach all get funded this way.  Why couldn’t our dreams come true as well?

Therefore, I am proud to announce that The Tyranny of Tradition will be starting its first Kickstarter campaign to raise $250,000 dollars to get Bolt Thrower to play my daughter’s 6th birthday party on November 22nd.  Sure, $250,000 is a lot of money, but I want to assure each and every one of you that each and every penny will be put to good use.  In the spirit of transparency, here is an itemized list of what the money will be used for.

Band Compensation  $25,000

Bolt Thrower is a legendary band and they won’t come cheap.  Being metal legends, they deserve to be well compensated for their time.  They will, of course, be responsible for their own airfare.

Hotel:  $3,000

While we’d love to have them in our home for a one-time, special birthday concert, the wife and I are not particularly keen on letting them stay in our house overnight.  We live in a gated community with an extremely active homeowners association.  I’m not sure they would be willing to tolerate Baz Thomson walking out at 7 o’clock in the morning holding a Miller Lite and wearing nothing but his boxer shorts to get the newspaper.  Let’s face it, they are kind of, well, dirty looking.  Not any more than most metal bands, but certainly not the type of people we necessarily want the neighbors to see us with.  They’ll fit in fine at the Super 8 motel out in Snellville.

Permits:  $20,000

According to the City of Atlanta, I’m not technically allowed to have a death metal band play in my backyard without a permit.  Because of the potential noise and disruption, several local city officials have told me that it will be impossible to get a permit for the event.  The $20,000 will be used to bribe the necessary City Council Members needed to get us the permit or, in case they are unwilling to be bribed, to hire a private investigator to dig up humiliating blackmail information on them.

Security:  $10,000

Instead of hiring one of those costly, pretentious professional security companies, I have contacted a local motorcycle gang, known as The Disciples of Satan, to make sure that things don’t get out of control.  Not only will they be tasked with crowd control, they will need to go door to door in the days leading up to the concert and threaten my neighbors with violence or the potential kidnapping of their children should they complain to the police about the noise or lack of available parking.  The Rolling Stones used a similar approach to security with great success.

Home Renovations:  $80,000

Our home is simply not ready for a concert of this magnitude.  The backyard will need to be equipped with arena style seating, a stage and adequate bathroom facilities for the 10 or 20 children that will be attending.  Also, a hot tub will need to be added overlooking the backyard in order to allow me to help loosen up my back from moving furniture to ensure the children don’t break anything if they wander into the living room.  We will also need to add marble countertops in the kitchen and a new family room in order for us to spend quality time together.

Opening Bands:  $10,000

Bolt Thrower is an older band who probably can only do a one hour set without risking collapse.  Most parents expect these parties to go 2 to 3 hours.  So, the show will feature several talented local bands including Spectrecide, Butter Knife Appendectomy, and Dysrythmic Sphincter Valve who will perform while the kids are playing party games like Pin the Murder Rap on Randy Blythe.

Live Pokémon Characters:  $5,000

Besides old school death metal, both of my young children love Pokémon.  What would make them happier than if people dressed in Pokémon suits came out during Bolt Thrower’s set to really get the pit moving?  We’d have Snorelax, Charazard and even, during the encore, a visit from the one and only Pikachu.

Incidentals:  $10,000

It’s amazing how many things need to be rented or purchased outright in order to make something like this work.  Lights, speakers, smoke machines, animal parts to be tossed into the crowd, a cake, and goodie bags filled with Bolt Thrower merchandise can really add up.

Remaining Money For Personal Compensation:  $87,000

This is America.  No one works for free.  My wife and I plan on working hard to make this day very special for our little girl.  Thusly, our effort should be rewarded in the form of monetary compensation for our time and labor.

Hopefully, this campaign will raise the funding necessary to make my daughter’s birthday a day to remember.  If it is successful, this is only the beginning.  I am already in the planning stages of several possible Kickstarter campaigns including a $300,000 campaign to stop Megadeth from making another album, a $5 million dollar drive reanimate Dio and a $250 million dollar fundraiser to take over the nation of Botswana and declare it a Heavy Metal Republic.  So, take a moment of your time and help us to make November 22 the best 6-year-old birthday party ever.  You’ll be glad you did.

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Tony Iommi Undergoes Surgery To Reattach Original Fingers, Adds Two More

A Picture of Iommi Taken After His Recent Surgery

A Picture of Iommi Taken After His Recent Surgery

After more than 40 years of playing and performing with his injury, Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi has finally reattached his finger tips, plus 2 more digits.

Iommi, who lost the tips of 3 of his fingers in 1974 after trying to recreate a stunt from the film “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York,” has learned to play guitar by protecting his mangled fingers with a delicate combination of Silly Putty, raisins, and twist-ties. The mixture, which Iommi mashed onto the tips of his fingers before performing, is said to be the source of Black Sabbath’s iconic sound for the past 4 decades. However, when frontman, Ozzy Osbourne became violently ill after accidently ingesting too much of the mixture, the band deemed it too hazardous of a tradition to continue.

With all Silly Putty-based mixes out of the picture, Iommi was left no choice but to undergo surgery to reattach the missing fingertips.

Last week’s fingertip surgery was deemed a success, but Iommi decided to go under the knife again 2 days later. After a series of escalating dares by his band mates, Iommi underwent additional surgeries to attach two extra fingers on his playing hand.

The campaigns, a Facebook page called “If This Page Gets 10,000 Likes My Friend Will Attach 2 More Fingers On His Hand” and the viral Twitter hashtag “#ThumbsForTony” proved to be wildly successful, gaining more than 20,000 ‘likes’ and 38,000 ‘RTs’ respectively. Two fast-acting fans jumped at the chance to donate a finger to the cause and the fingers were exchanged and attached in a matter of hours.

“I’m not happy he did it,” said a spokesperson at the Black Sabbath camp who wished not to be named, “but then again, you don’t just turn down a triple-dog-dare from Ozzy Osbourne.”

The surgeon, Dr. Tony Welling, whom Iommi selected based solely on their mutual first name, had no previous experience in amputation or reattachment surgery. And the donors, a 5-year-old spider monkey named Coco, and late Chicago mayor, Richard J. Daley, will both receive lifetime backstage passes as well as the secret recipe for Iommi’s raisin-putty-fingertip mix.

(The fellow who wrote this article, Andrew Sebastian Bach, is a complete lunatic.  He blogs regularly at chicagorants.com where he regularly explores important issues facing the Windy City like face-eating llamas and why everyone hates the White Sox)

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